Social Question

Pandora's avatar

Which man is the least trust worthy?

Asked by Pandora (27710points) April 20th, 2010

Over the years my husband has had friends/co-workers who have flirted with me either openly or privately. The only two who ever did it openly would never flirt with me privately. I think they did it more to get my husband upset more than anything. Of course some how I would get some of the blame. True I am a bit of a flirt, but so is my husband.
Now the one’s who seemed to him ok would sometimes be the one to flirt with me in private. I never flirted back, because I always thought those were the ones most likely to read more into it.
My husband always mistrusted the ones that were in your face about it. I mistrusted the sneaky ones.
Which one would you mistrust most?
The one trying to get you jealous or the one that goes behind your back?

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31 Answers

DarkScribe's avatar

What has flirting to do with trust? All manner of people flirt. Trust has to do with character.

CMaz's avatar

That is easy. It would be you. For allowing it to go on and being a conspirator.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

I would say the sneaky ones are the ones to watch out for most. But ultimately it depends on who would go further than a flirt. Most men can’t help themselves if their flirting leads to being propositioned.

dpworkin's avatar

Sneaky fuckers exist all over the animal kingdom, and their payoff is always illicit procreation. I trust the out-front people.

Pandora's avatar

@ChazMaz, I would always tell my husband but way after the fact.about the sneaky ones. I didn’t flirt with those but I definetly knew when they were fishing. Couldn’t always tell him right aways because I knew he may do something stupid and I always knew how to cool a guy off.
As for the one’s who openly flirted I knew it was in jest. Even if they did find me attractive they really were not the type to ever try more. Proof was always that they would be totally different when alone with me. The flirting was to tick my husband off. I would only join in because he would get mad at me even if I went out of my way to not seem flirty at all.

Trillian's avatar

I question the motives of a man or woman who flirts with the SO of a friend on the dl. They seem likely to be testing the waters to see if you’re willing to take it farther. Or is the correct word – further?
Regardless. I believe that flirting is inappropriate behaviour when you are in a committed relationship, and is disrespectful to the SO and to ones self.
And as for the “open” one…What kind of friend does this to “tick him off”? Maybe it’s just me, but this does not equate to friendship in my book.

CMaz's avatar

@Pandora you are cool. :-)

But as the saying goes. Stupid is what stupid does.
Play with fire, someone is going to get burned. ;-)

Your actions might be innocent from your perspective but you have to think about how others might interpret it. As you said…

“The flirting was to tick my husband off. I would only join in because he would get mad at me…”

There is really no way to tell. Since you are part of the “issue.” Biased on your example. :-)

DarkScribe's avatar

@Trillian uestion the motives of a man or woman who flirts with the SO of a friend on the dl

My wife and I both flirt – it is fun and harmless. No “motives” involved.

BoBo1946's avatar

best for all concerned, don’t flirt, and don’t flirt back! That way, everyone goes home happy!

Pandora's avatar

@Trillian, Some people are flirty naturally and some people get hit on all the time just because them being nice seems to be flirting. When I worked at the bank, I had to be sweet to everyone. Male or female and act interested in the person to make them feel a part of the family. Needless to say some guys took it as I was flirting. My husbands behavior is often confused for flirting. He tells female workers they look nice today and goes out of his way to help people. It doesn’t bother me. I know he is equally nice to men. Everyone knows he is totally gaga over me and that I am gaga over him. So what is the harm?

plethora's avatar

Mr Sneaky…..for sure…:)

Trillian's avatar

@DarkScribe These guys do it behind the friends back when he is not there. The other does it “just to piss him off.” This makes her nothing more than a pawn in some game that he is playing, and completely diminishes her as a person.
@Pandora I apologize. I was under the impression that you wanted the opinions of the collective. My opinion obviously does not match yours. Or maybe you misread what I wrote, since I did not address your husband’s actions at all. If a person is “naturally flirty” is that not different than flirting with you just to piss your husband off?
I’d like to point out that there is a difference between professionally courteous and flirty.
You asked which is less trustworthy. From the circumstances that you describe, they rank about equally.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Flirting is not the same as propositioning. You flirting back is just flirting unless you’ve been propositioned and then the flirting should be halted all together out of respect for your relationship. People usually flirt a bit differently is a relationship is known, many stop all together with each other. I’d keep my guard up for the one who tries to get at me in private because that doesn’t feel like flirting as much as feeling out for a tryst.

Pandora's avatar

@ChazMaz Are you flirting with me?? LOL
Point taken. I may be a little bias.
But if he totally trusted me like I do him, than it would’ve never let anyone get under his skin.
But then that isn’t the question.
Just for people information. He understands that no one could ever be what he is to me. So he doesn’t let it bother him any more. Of course 28 years of marriage will do that.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

Which one of those people is most desperate for some sex. Desperation always = low trust. Doesn’t matter how they go about flirting

wonderingwhy's avatar

Personally, if I was your husband, I wouldn’t give either of them a second thought. I’d trust you as you’re my wife.

To answer your question. I’d keep an eye on both groups equally as each has, as evidenced by their attempted manipulation, a motive.

Pandora's avatar

@Neizvestnaya Yes they are different in my book as well. But some people read more into a flirt than what is really there. I remember once a guy friend who asked me why do girls flirt by pushing their hair away from their face.
I told him it wasn’t always flirting. I showed him how I must’ve pushed my hair back about 10 times as we ate because my hair kept falling near my mouth. And I told him the same when speaking to someone. A breeze may push hair towards your mouth. Its not like women like to have hair in their mouth all the time. And it also gets stuck to our lipstick.
Follow that movement with a smile or direct eye contact and some guys think its on. I like eye contact and smiling so you can see where I tend to get in trouble. But I am the same way with women, and babies and yet somehow they don’t read more into it..

Pandora's avatar

@wonderingwhy GA. Thanks. I see your point.

Zaku's avatar

Depends on the nature of the flirting, and how close it is to an actual proposition. Public versus private is one thing that indicates that, and private seems more likely to be an actual proposition, so without knowing anything else, I’d say the private ones seem possibly more like actual offers, but not necessarily so.

I can see though that if you defused the private ones by waiting to talk about them, while he actually saw the public ones, that might affect his reaction too.

But the real issue is whether my partner is trustworthy or not. And a big part of that is whether or not she tells me what goes on.

Zaku's avatar

double post

evandad's avatar

The one who is to be trusted least, is the one you like the best.

Pandora's avatar

@evandad, Took me a second to get what you meant.
I always figure the old adage was true. Better to be with the devil you know than the one you don’t.

Pandora's avatar

@Zaku, That is how I feel about it. Privately flirting with someones partner does have that feeling of being more serious.

phillis's avatar

@Pandora This is way more about insecurities on your husband’s part rather than being about which men might take it seriously. You’re right – private flirtations are nothing more than testing the waters to see if they can get a nibble from you. I wouldn’t trust the fuckers, either. The ones who do it in front of hubby are most likely trying to annoy him in a friendship way (but don’t count them out completely).

But, Pandora, I know you pretty damn well. You’ve given this a lot of thought and have deftly handled all these men, and did it with style and class. Any woman who puts this much consideration to the issue is quite obviously not a cheater. So the real question is, what’s up with your husband? Is it something that will pass, or something that needs to be addressed in a conversation? It sucks to be acused of something you’ve never even thought of doing.

Pandora's avatar

@phillis Thank sweety. Nothing wrong with him now. Actually this question came up because of another question about secrets. He was the jealous type when we first got married. You know me well enough to know I whipped him into shape. LOL He may get a little jealous once in a great blue moon, but I know he trust me. He’s maturer now and knows not to let people get his goat.
Any way, the secret question reminded me of times that I didn’t tell him of guys who would try to flirt with me. I would always tell him way later but that was because of his jealousy issues at the time. Besides I was and still am, fully capable of stomping on a snake any day of the week.
My husband always hated the one who flirted openly. He took it as a challenge, I guess. The ones who did it behind his back he figured were cowards. I always hated the ones who did it behind his back. I just never understood that logic. I figure, I rather know my enemy up front than take the chance with an unknown enemy who will put a knife in my back when it was turned.

phillis's avatar

Hoo boy, do I agree with you on that one! The one’s out in the open are the least likely to be serious. Watch out for water cooler gooses on the hiney, though :D

Your husband needs his damn leash jerked. Apparently, it’s been too long since the last time you had to do it, but the time has come ‘round again. Sorry, but it’s a fact of life. Men don’t get subtlety. I suggest a sit-down talk at a time when there will be no interruptions. Look at him intently, straight in the eye, and ask him (nicely, in so many words) what his problem is. If you handle the conversation right, he will end up seeing that the problem is his without your ever having to come out and say so.

CaptainHarley's avatar

The sneaky ones definitely cannot be trusted.

BoBo1946's avatar

@phillis hey sport, very good answer!

Sophief's avatar

I would mistrust the sneaky one, he’s the one that would more than likely have the affair.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

The ones who approached you privately were the ones most intent on entering into a relationship with you that would harm you and your husband and the relationship between the two of you.

The others were either just playful flatterers or guys looking to annoy your husband a bit.

The sneaky ones are always the worst and their motives are clearly the most potentially hurtful.

It sounds to me like you showed your husband and your marriage the respect they deserve.
Your husband should have great respect and trust for you.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

Just remember that by flirting you are allowing a potential window of opportunity develop.

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