Social Question

le_inferno's avatar

Is this kind of behavior excusable?

Asked by le_inferno (6189points) June 3rd, 2010

My boyfriend came to visit me at home for the first time yesterday. He had a cold so he was a little under the weather, and it may have contributed to a bad mood, but he was just extremely negative the entire time. He was generally unimpressed with everything we did/encountered: “Eh, I’ve seen better.” “Meh, I’ve had worse.” He wasn’t satisfied with anything. When my friends left, he tore a couple of them apart for about 10 minutes and wouldn’t shut up about it, even when we were making out. I was pretty offended. I didn’t feel comfortable taking off my shirt, because my mom wakes up in the night sometimes, and I was worried she’d come downstairs. A few minutes later, he asks me if I want to have sex (I’m a virgin, and he knows). I thought this was really insensitive and extremely poor timing; he just railed on my best friend, and I just told him how I’m paranoid about being walked in on. Why would this be a good time for us to have sex for the first time? I started crying because I was so overwhelmed by all the bad energy. He knew I was really worried about him having a bad time and reassured me that he was enjoying himself/liked hanging out with me… yet he kept complaining and being a jerk. He was just oblivious to how upset it made me. It’s like he’s not pleased with anything, he thinks out loud/says rude things, is oblivious to how hurtful he is. I am not ready to write him off yet, but these are bad signs. And he’s studying abroad in a month until November, and I’m no longer sure if I want to stay committed to him. I don’t know if it’s just a small annoyance I should deal with, or if it’s going to be a dominating personality flaw.

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28 Answers

CaptainHarley's avatar

If you hang around with this jerk, you deserve whatever he chooses to dish out to you.Any man who doesn’t treat you like the lady you are, doesn’t deserve anything from you!

Seaofclouds's avatar

How long have you been with your boyfriend? I personally wouldn’t put up with his behavior, but it’s really up to you. I have a hard time staying around anyone that doesn’t respect me.

chyna's avatar

This doesn’t sound like a small annoyance. It sounds like a selfish, self-centered person with no regards to you or your feelings. Major red flag if he asks you if you want to have sex at home with your mom there. That is beyond rude, he is a certified jerk.

Kayak8's avatar

Move on sweetheart and find a real man who is secure enough in himself to not make you feel like #&$*!

gemiwing's avatar

In forty years, when you look back at the person you had sex with for the first time- do you want to think about sharing this with someone who cared for you, treated you kindly and made you feel safe? Or do you want to think how you had sex with a man who made fun of people you care about, didn’t care how it made you feel and pressured you to have sex when you weren’t comfortable?

This person doesn’t sound like the best example of a loving, safe and calm person. Move on- there’s no shortage of people in the world.

Merriment's avatar

If you started crying he was most certainly not oblivious to how you were feeling. What he was, since he continued to act that way after you started crying, was indifferent to your feelings. Oblivious you can work with…indifferent, not so much.

You ask what would make him think now was a good time for sex and I say to you he likely figured he’d give it a shot since all of your other boundaries (like dissing your friends and everything else) seemed to be breachable. Why not go for the big one?

Don’t look at it as “giving up” on him, look at it as “standing up” for yourself.

CMaz's avatar

Never an excuse to be a douche.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Let me kick him in the doodads for you.
you should get rid of him

Blackberry's avatar

No excuse at all, thumbs down, offf with his head.

le_inferno's avatar

@Seaofclouds I met him in mid-February, we’ve been dating since the end of March.
@Merriment Well, I didn’t adequately explain to him why I was crying, because I didn’t really understand at the time either. I told him I was upset about him going abroad and how next semester will suck without him, and I also mentioned I was worried he’d had a bad night. Really, I think I just felt a growing distance and disconnect from him, felt like nothing was going right in his eyes, and confused that distant feeling with him going abroad—like I was going to lose him even more. Most of all, I think on a not-wholly-conscious level I was crushed that I might have been wrong about him, when I originally had so much hope and happiness about the relationship. He comforted me when I was crying, and that was fine, it’s just that the next day he continued being negative!

It’s hard to stay angry at him too, because once he left he started being all sweet and cheerful via text messaging. He’s much more tolerable when we’re alone or texting or out somewhere.

chyna's avatar

So if the only kind of relationship you want with him is texting and hanging out alone with him, this is the guy for you.~ No one deserves to be treated the way he treated you and bad mouthed your friends. His next step will be to start running you down and make you feel worthless. You’ve only dated him 2 months and he can’t keep it together any longer to show his “dating side” to you? If nothing else, tell him what you have told us. Tell him how he made you feel when he acted the way he did at your house. If he is willing to listen and change his behavior, then give him another chance. If he blows you off, acts like you are being stupid then you need to get out of this toxic relationship before it gets worse.

le_inferno's avatar

@chyna Yeah, I definitely plan on talking to him tonight. It’s just hard, because there are a lot of things I like about him. He has a lot of good qualities, but I just saw his bad side, and it’s overwhelming.

chyna's avatar

Good luck!

cookieman's avatar

Guy sounds like a schmuck. And while you may like things about him, you’ve only been dating a few months. He’s more than likely been on his best behavior as the relationship is new.

He let his guard down and showed you a glimpse of the real him.

Don’t be afraid to be alone. You have value. Don’t sell yourself short.

Facade's avatar

@le_inferno There are SO many guys out there. Think about it. There are several guys out there for you to pick from who won’t treat you this way. You’ll bump into a few of them eventually. You’ve only been with this boy for a short time. I say break it off. It may be painful, but that will only last for a little while. You can do it

MissAusten's avatar

I’ve been married for almost 12 years now, and I’ve seen all of my husband’s moods and bad sides. There’s a difference between being in a bad mood or not feeling well, and basically just not caring much about someone else’s feelings. I’m sorry to say this, but from what you described it sounds like your feelings don’t matter much to him. :(

That doesn’t mean you need to immediately give up on him, but it does mean you should look out for yourself and be careful. Try talking to him about it without making accusations or arguing. Just tell him what you’ve noticed and explain how you feel about it, and ask that his behavior change. You have a right to ask for respect and caring. If he apologizes and acts sweeter, that’s great. Just don’t be lulled by talk, but pay attention to what he actually does. Actions speak louder than words, you know. No one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect, but there has to be mutual respect and a willingness to take care of the other person. It’s not easy to walk away from a relationship that turns out not to be good for you, but you deserve better.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

Pressuring a lady to have sex when she doesn’t feel comfortable is the behavior of a brute. A gentleman should wait until his lady feels right and safe, then choose a pleasant venue.

You’ve only been together three months? I waited three years until my lady felt safe and secure in our relationship. She initiated the physical love. This might not seem particularly macho of me, but she came from a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive background. Her happiness and well-being were more important to me than momentary gratification.

Maybe you don’t need such radically gentlemanly behavior, but at minimum a lady’s first time should be on her terms, and with a partner who is gentle and considerate. This episode may be telling you that this person is not right for you. You did well to stand for your principles. Your first time should be memorably pleasant, not some fearful coupling under emotional pressure.

bea2345's avatar

Take heed of the above advice, @le_inferno – your boyfriend sounds like a twerp.

perspicacious's avatar

I don’t think either of your behaviors was particularly excusable. He appears to be a royal jerk who you should forget. If you have to worry about mom waking up you are too young to be undressing and thinking about sex.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@le_inferno So it’s been about 2 months. Now you’ve seen this side of him. Since you are still getting to know him, I think this is a good measure of his character. You deserve better. I think you should consider it a lesson learned and move on with your life.

MissA's avatar

Life is too short to give your precious self to a jerk like this guy. He has issues…issues that you don’t need to deal with at this point in life. BUT, if you stay with him, your life will center around his DISlikes…that’s what you’ll hear about the most.

His considerations are not with your best in mind.

Silhouette's avatar

It looks like it is to you. I count 4 excuses you’ve made for him in your question and your comments. If it’s like you say, a rare occurrence, then it’s probably just a bad day. If it’s happening more often than that and it’s starting to get to you it might be time to rethink your relationship.

le_inferno's avatar

I spoke to him tonight about it; he feels like an idiot and apologized profusely, so we’ll see if he lives it down!

gemiwing's avatar

@le_inferno The proof is in the pudding, so keep an eye out. It’s easy for a manipulator to say the words- it takes an authentic person to actually change. Keep your wits about you and try to remember that. I hope it works out for you.

le_inferno's avatar

@Silhouette I may have made some excuses, but in reality I was trying to present a less biased picture of the situation.
@gemiwing Thanks :) I definitely will be watchful.

Silhouette's avatar

@le_inferno They look the same in print, no offence intended.

Buttonstc's avatar

I just have one simple bit of truth borrowed from a very wise woman who has been thru a lot in her life. And it not only applies in this situation but to everyone else whom you will meet in this long road called life. It’s very simple.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
“When people show you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM.

Maya Angelou
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

If you don’t see how that applies in this situation, I really feel sorry for you. He has revealed himself to you in all his self centered glory in neon colors. If you keep trying to cover it over and make excuses for it, it will come back to bite you in the butt in a big way later on.

Respect yourself enough to not tolerate being treated this way by anyone ever. EVER.

There are plenty of guys put there who will treat you the way a gentleman should treat a lady (or any other person).

With respect and consideration. But if you’re willing to settle for a lout like this, then that’s what will be in your life. Dump him like yesterday’s garbage and pave the way for a decent guy to come in to your life. He won’t show up as long as this jerk is there.

He has revealed himself. Believe it.

le_inferno's avatar

@Buttonstc I understand what you’re saying, but he did strongly resent the way he acted after I laid it out for him, and he wants to re-do the whole experience. I think it’s significant that he is willing to admit he was wrong and is trying to make it right. If I notice this behavior is persistent, then I’ll reconsider. But until then, I’ve decided I really don’t think it’s fair to not give him a chance. The information in this question only describes his behavioral flaws and does not reflect his whole character.

No one is perfect. If I get rid of every guy who does something I don’t like, I’d be a very lonely individual.

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