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leezer30's avatar

Am I in the wrong for being mad about this like my husband says?

Asked by leezer30 (214points) June 15th, 2010

Ok so I know that the way I found this information out is not right on my part but I was looking at my husbands e-mail this morning and discovered a facebook message from a woman saying I had a great time talking to you last night I am working tonight so hopefully we can talk then. My husband works nights and apparently had called this woman several times while he was at work. Well I ask him who she is and why he is calling and being kinda sneaky about it and he first tells me she is a friend of a friend and tells me where she works then after some questioning he tells me she was a girlfriend at one time and he had called her because she had asked him to on facebook and it wasnt a big deal. So my question is: Is it ok for a married man/woman to call there ex’s and chit chat or is that stepping over the bounds? I think one of the major things that made me upset about it is I had never heard of this girl before today, he didnt tell me he had talked to her so It all seemed like a secret.

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35 Answers

CMaz's avatar

Sit down with him. Nice and calm.
Shit happens, especially when it has to do with the no good internet. :-)

Be kind, be loving and let it be ok. That no matter what, we all make mistakes. (if he did)
Find a way for you both to come to a conclusion, have an understanding and end it.

Then have crazy sex.

BoBo1946's avatar

@ChazMaz after that, no need of me putting my 2 cents into the mix…damn good answer! you might have saved a marriage….and if at all possible, most are worth saving…most!

tranquilsea's avatar

Facebook can be a great tool to get in touch with old friends, but things can get very complicated with old flames. I recently had an old boyfriend, who had been a “friend” on Facebook for 3 years, send me long personal message filled with things like, “We were meant to be together”. As soon as I read it I felt immediately guilty although I hadn’t done anything to lead him on. I sat on it for a week, then wrote this guy a response and then told my husband and let him read both the original message and my response. Then I de-friended him from Facebook.

If I was you I would talk to your husband and ask him why he hadn’t told you. But don’t assume the worst as it could have been very innocent.

leezer30's avatar

@ tranquilsea I tried to have a conversation with him about it and asked why he didnt tell me and he said he didnt know and he didnt have anything else to say about it and he got very upset about me asking him and screamed when you have something else to talk about i will talk to you.

JLeslie's avatar

I think a phone call is crossing a line, especially if there is going to be another phone call. I also think there is nothing wrong with you looking at his facebook. My husband and I both are back in touch with old friends and SO’s on facebook, but I, and I hope he, never make “plans” with an ex SO. I do chat every so often with my ex, months can pass in between, but it is random, not planned, and his wife is a friend of mine on facebook also. Nothing is a secret.

He crossed a line. He should agree to not call her anymore.

Merriment's avatar

I think you are upset with him and don’t think it is my place or even your husband’s place to tell you that you shouldn’t feel what you feel.

I think he crossed a line. Do I think it is a marriage ending error? No. Do I think it’s an excellent time to talk about the “rules” you both have regarding what does and doesn’t constitute fidelity? Yes!

He is angry because he knows he has been caught. Not only caught having made the call but caught in a string of lies. (Friend of a friend, etc) And if he can turn up the volume of his anger towards you he hopes he can side track you from your justified anger.

I’d let the situation lay for a few days and then I would bring it back up in a “I need to let you know what I do and don’t find acceptable in a marriage with me” kind of way. As opposed to a “You cheating, lying, bastard, you are no damn good” kind of way.

leezer30's avatar

@ Merriment thank you for the advice, it is kinda hard to rationalize when you are in the situation and upset.

JLeslie's avatar

Good point @Merriment made that it was kind of a string of lies. If it was totally innocent he should have just answered your question straight off the bat honestly.

leezer30's avatar

My thought was if there was nothing going on and it was innocent why the lie to begin with, why the anger, why the flat refusal to talk about it hardly at all, why have I never heard of this girl, the whole ordeal makes me feel as if what else do I not know.

tranquilsea's avatar

@leezer30 My husband laughed when I told him about what this guy had said to me via e-mail. I wanted to punch him when he laughed but I could tell he was concerned. He asked me to delete him from Facebook, but I already had. When it comes to issues like that I know what is necessary.

It is concerning that your husband evaded the truth when you confronted him. I would let things calm down and then talk to him again and tell him that you are uncomfortable and upset with his contact with the SO, his lies after the fact (who wouldn’t be?) and how he reacted when you confronted him. @Merriment gave some great advice on how you can word that conversation without putting him on the defensive.

chyna's avatar

Just because he lied doesn’t necessarily mean there is anything going on besides the phone call. I understand your anger and you have the right to feel angry that your husband hid something from you. When you do talk to him about it again, ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same thing. Put the shoe on the other foot. But be calm when you talk to him, or he will tune you out again.

Kayak8's avatar

I completely agree with @Merriment above. He may not have done anything, but he is at least feeling guilty about his behavior—so he could have had curious thoughts. I think part of the conversation you have with him is to validate that those kind of thoughts are normal. To follow up on the thoughts with actions is a bit different.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’m in agreement here that he crossed the line when he turned angry at you. If what they were up to was really innocent then there’s no reason for him to have reacted with anger to you his chosen life partner. I’m also in agreement with @chyna suggesting you ask him how he’d feel to find out you had a phone buddy or text buddy or even better… a text pic buddy. He should know as per @ChazMaz that the evil internet can find you just the right play friend more than willing to step into hubby’s attention void. Like @Merriment says, talk about what’s acceptable between you two as far a acquaintances and friends go.

marinelife's avatar

It is not OK for him to be talking to another woman outside of the marriage and keeping it a secret from you.

It doesn’t matter how you found out. (Unless you were purposely looking at his email, which is a violation of his privacy, but two wrongs don’t make a right.) What he did is still wrong.

Also, since you found the email, perhaps he is hiding stuff, which is not right.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

He is probably trying to hide something from you. When someone gets angry because you asked for a straight answer be extremely wary. If it was innocent, he would have told you up front, made a joke about it and told you about her. It’s the anger part——the guilty anger that would bother me the most. He may only be talking to her…but that can lead to more. Nip it in the bud. (Read “Emotional Infidelity” the book.)

So, let’s say that he is doing something he should not be doing. What can you do proactively to make sure that everything is okay at home? Calm down and talk to him, not so much about her…but about the both of you and your relationship. Is there something that is missing? Are you guys not talking about things?

All I can say is….having been through the proverbial wringer….with issues like this…being up front and clearing the deck as soon as anything comes up is the best way to go.

JLeslie's avatar

I also agree with @chyna Men are like deer in the headlights when they get caught. Even if there was nothing bad going on, once caught he is tripping all over his words and trying to get away with telling you something that he wants to believe won’t upset you. Stupid. But, happens all of the time. They are like children. I guess women do it too, but I think less often.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

You are entitled to your feelings and your husband should respect them.

You have been given excellent advice above by several people and I hope you and your husband work through this in a way that strengthens your relationship.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I really like what @DarlingRhadamanthus has written here: “So, let’s say that he is doing something he should not be doing. What can you both do proactively to make sure that everything is okay at home? Calm down and talk to him, not so much about her…but about the both of you and your relationship. Is there something that is missing? Are you guys not talking about things?”

I too have gone through the wringer with a similar issue and the argument was bitter and circular. I know firsthand about “emotional cheating” and how it all seems innocent at first until someone else you care about gets hurts or has experience of their own and just writes you off as an idiot. I hope your hubby gets smart real quick.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Do you trust him?

Cruiser's avatar

Every one at some point in time is curious about their exes and what they have been up to or how things worked out for them. It’s a natural curiosity….but it is not normal or cool to act on this curiosity. Facebook et. all has made it oh so convenient to just take a peek at our past life mistakes. IMO nothing good can come out of knowing the good bad or ugly of life gone by. The past is the past and needs to be left where it belongs. Tell him to man up and quit the FB BS with the X’S!!

reverie's avatar

@leezer30 “I was looking at my husbands e-mail this morning”


I think some really good points have been made above with regards to your husband’s behaviour and your reaction on this specific occasion, but to be honest, when reading your question, this is the thing that stood out to me as (possibly) a little bit worrying. I just wondered why you read your husband’s messages and what your motivations were, and whether this is something you do regularly.

BoBo1946's avatar

ummm…know where to go for love advise!

JLeslie's avatar

@reverie Are you asking because you think she had reasons to be suspicious? Like he was showing symptoms of cheating? Or, because you think she is awful for checking his emal?

reverie's avatar

@JLeslie I’m just asking because I want to know, as it could possibly be indicative of a relationship problem in some circumstances. I’m not asking because I’ve pre-judged anyone’s behaviour, because the normality and acceptability of these things in relationships vary so much from person to person. However, I asked, because under some circumstances, I think there could potentially be an issue if one partner finds themselves checking or wanting to check their partner’s correspondence.

Maybe in their relationship they look at each other’s messages, and that’s totally normal for them, and it’s not done at all out of insecurity, suspicion or concern – they may just not want or have any need for privacy in certain areas like e-mail or Facebook. Maybe she is a little insecure, and was looking at his e-mail because she is worried about the content of some messages. Maybe his behaviour has been a bit off recently, and she suspects (consciously or subconsciously) that something might be up. I wouldn’t dream of judging her as “awful” for checking his e-mail, because without knowing whether or not that is a typical and acceptable thing in their relationship, and her reasons for checking, it would be impossible to say whether or not there might be some sort of problem there.

Personally, this is something that wouldn’t be cool in my relationship, and I know that if I personally found myself checking my boyfriend’s e-mail for messages that are sent to him and thus not intended or required to be read by me, it would be because I was feeling uncomfortable in some way – maybe his behaviour had changed, or I was feeling a little insecure and worried. But that’s just me, and other people conduct their relationships differently, and what’s right and wrong varies tremendously from relationship to relationship. The way she said that “I know that the way I found this information out is not right on my part”, to me, suggested that it maybe wasn’t a totally normal thing in their relationship, and it made me slightly concerned as to what feelings and motivations she had that made her look in the first place, hence my question.

leezer30's avatar

I was looking at his e-mail because he has a past of cheating on me lots of times even as soon as 6 months before we got married he had sex with another woman. The thing that made me curious and made me look was that we usually talk on the phone several times when he is at work for long amounts of time, well sunday when he talked to this girl we hardly talked at all the conversations were really brief and he would have to go suddenly so I felt something was different or wrong. Plus he hasnt been the same at home as he usually has, he has become more sarcastic, he has been instigating fights, and when I try to have these talks you guys are suggesting I have he gets angry and says he has nothing to say or gets sarcastic. I went home last night and he didnt talk to me at all. Im not sure what I can do that is right.

CMaz's avatar

“cheating on me lots of times even as soon as 6 months before we got married”

With this new information. I take back everything I previously said.

As much as you are allowing this person in your life to behave this way. Something stinks.
He is a cheat and is playing you.

JLeslie's avatar

@leezer30 Yeah, that changes everything. He is a cheater. If you want to live with a cheater I hold no judgment, your choice. If you want to live with someone who doesn’t cheat, then you have to leave him and find someone else.

Your sentence, Im not sure what I can do that is right listen, that is classic type of talk by women who are being controlled, feeling insecure, and desperate. You want to believe that if you just do everything he wants he will love you and treat you well. He is a cheater, it has nothing to do with you. There are men who cheat, ad women for that matter, because their own marriage is becoming difficult or disconnected, and they find themselves entangled with someone else. Then there are people who cheat, because they simply do. They need to always feel like king of the hill, have their ego messaged, yearn for the excitement of a new chase. I really think he is the latter, because there seems to be a reoccuring pattern, which means there is nothing you can do if I am right. There is nothing to work on, and nothing you can do, because you will never be able to provide him with the feeling he gets from a new conquest. I hope I am wrong, but I will suggest one more thing, if his dad is a cheater, and siblings are cheaters, you’re screwed. I have witnessed how this runs in families.

chyna's avatar

I too, take back my answer. He is a cheater, so you have every reason to ask him questions. If he refuses to answer them, you have every right to not put up with him and leave.

leezer30's avatar

I realize I have every right to question him and he should be able to communicate with me but when I ask him questions he flips, no matter how I ask him he always says Im accusing him even when Im not and says how my mind is already made up so it doesnt matter what he has to say, I have tried to explain my feelings to him and to explain to him its not ok with me for him to secretly call ex girlfriends from work and not talk to me about it and explain that we are married and the days of doing stuff like that are over but he does not see how he is in the wrong and does not understand why it would bother me. Im all out of ideas.

JLeslie's avatar

@leezer30 I really understand. He won’t talk because he doesn’t want to stop what he is doing. He won’t talk, because there is nothing to talk about in his mind. He wants you to shut up and stop interferring.

Hey, when I was with a cheater his sister-in-law once said to me, when I was upset and felt he was cheating again, she said, “it doesn’t matter if he is cheating. What matters is he is not giving you what you need to feel happy and secure in your relationship with him. Don’t drive yourself crazy needing to know if there is another woman, what you do know is he is not willing to work on your relationship with him and you are miserable.” I wish I had listened to her when she told me that. It took me a couple of more years to get out. It was very hard for me.

chyna's avatar

@leezer30 He understands, he just wants his cake and eat it too. He thinks if he refuses to talk about it, you will just give up talking about it and he gets what he wants. You, and to cheat with whomever he wants. I would just give him an ultimatum, see a marriage counselor with you and give up his girlfriends, or give you up. And make good on that promise. I’m saying this only if you are really at the place that you want something done. If not, just let it go.

tranquilsea's avatar

As others have now stated you need to give him an ultimatum. He heads to a marriage counsellor with you and agrees to no contact with this ex girlfriend or you should walk. The problem is not going to go away and you deserve better. But you have to be ready to follow through.

Ask yourself why you are with him if this is the way he is going to treat you.

Again, you deserve better.

JLeslie's avatar

Only give an ultimatum if you are ready to leave. If you had proof of a full blown affair would you leave?

Merriment's avatar

He is using anger and silence and everything else to shut you up. While you are busy trying to modify your approach based on the negative feedback you have gotten for the other 99 times you tried to talk to him he is sitting back, taking a breather, and gathering ammo for his next attack.

Honestly, that he is now giving you the silent treatment would be the last straw for me. He’d waltz his ass home tomorrow to changed locks.

I don’t think you are going to get his attention at this point, given his history of cheating and your history of staying with him despite it, with anything less than full out, decisive action.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

Oops…..just read what you wrote….that he has cheated on you before. Now, I know that he is very capable of doing something covert. I’ve been there, unfortunately, and I would like to paint an “all roses” picture of men who “see the light” and change (and no doubt, there are some.) But it’s not like that——a man who cheats and gets away with it (i.e. you end up marrying him) will not change. I found photos on the computer and even had e-mails printed out from a woman that were quite salacious—-and confronted him (my ex)....and he was still denying it. It’s like Wanda Sykes said (when talking about Bill Clinton’s prevarications): “You have to stick to the lie.” And men do that. You can have the tacky polyester lime green panties in your hand and the naked woman standing in your kitchen covered in whipped cream and he will still deny it.

Get your ducks in a row. Get more evidence, Prepare yourself. Or if you want to save this——go get counseling. But the problem with cheaters is…they will only “get it” or “get that you are serious” when you leave them. And that’s what is sad most of all, because by that time, your heart will be so closed off from pain, that it is too late.

I wish you all the best and I am sending you lots of hugs….I promise you, you are not the only woman going through this. All the networking sites and all the anonymous ways to flirt and meet people on the internet have made us a “throw-away relationship” society, unfortunately.

Take care of yourself. You really do count and you really are worth of a relationship based on trust and mutual respect.

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