General Question

bellusfemina's avatar

What do I do about the rude company that I invited to stay at my house?

Asked by bellusfemina (808points) June 22nd, 2010

I told my 18 year old brother that he could stay at my house while his girlfriend is visiting from out of town. He didn’t want to stay with our mom since she is very strict, and won’t let them sleep in the same bed. I have a nice house with a pool, and they have their own space during the day since my husband is out of town, and I am at work all day. I don’t even know his girlfriend, but figured we would visit once she got to the house last night. Within 10 minutes of being home from the airport, the two of them are in the back room going at it, and I have the t.v. up in the living room and can still hear what’s going on! Then, they decide to take their “party” to my only bathroom and they are in there for 45 minutes with the water running. This morning at 5 a.m. I am woken to them making all kinds of noise in the next room, when they both know I get up early for work!! I also noticed that half of my prescription pills were gone from my makeup bag this morning. (which were well hidden in my bathroom cabinet) In addition, my brother who normally talks to me while I am home, has barely said two words to me. His girlfriend won’t even hardly respond when I try to speak to her. I am so angry, but I don’t even know where to begin!! Should I just kick them out?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

41 Answers

syz's avatar

I was going to suggest that you lay down some ground rules, but the stolen drugs negates that. That falls under the “Oh, hell no!” category. Sit them down, tell them it’s not working out, and hand them some hotel phone numbers as you escort them out the door.

LuckyGuy's avatar

He’s 18 so you have to figure there will be a fair amount of bumpin’ and thumpin’ . Remember?
However, the drugs? Make 200% sure they are absolutely stolen and then confront them as soon as you get home today. Don’t wait.
Tell them “I’m sorry but you both have to leave by the time I go to work tomorrow. I will set the alarm for you. Is 5 AM ok?”

Jeruba's avatar

Don’t even bother to invite them to sit. Usher them out as quickly as possible and direct them to the nearest Motel 6. Don’t give them another night. You are under no obligation to be polite to people who have treated you this way.

netgrrl's avatar

Oh yeah, theft is the dealbreaker. Adios!

gorillapaws's avatar

Must be weird hearing your brother hooking up. I would probably be needing those perscription drugs just to drown the sound out of my head if it were my sister…. ewwww….

I agree with the consensus, kick ‘em out and send them to moms. Also, make it clear that stealing from family is not cool.

chyna's avatar

Stealing prescription drugs that you need is really low. Show them the door, pronto.

HGl3ee's avatar

They blew it big time, you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. Also, I agree with checking to make sure the prescriptions are indeed stolen and then make sure they are aware that it’s completely unacceptable.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Take all these people’s advice, plus put the following on very loud early in the morning:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8Tiz6INF7I

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

While the medication is one thing, there are obviously other issues to consider. Maybe your mom knows her son better than you know your brother. And now you do. If you care about him, explain why he and his girlfriend need to leave your home. It might turn out to be a life lesson, but don’t bank on it.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

I would go with @Jeruba‘s suggestion.

If he is stubborn or unruly and you are afraid he won’t go, then I would try a different approach. Don’t get upset, don’t let them see you upset. Instead, I would suggest a movie or a restaurant very nicely and get them out of the house. Then lock the doors. Does he have a key? Then smile and suggest before they leave: “Oh, Noisy Brother and Very Rude Girlfriend…may I have the key before you guys leave? I lost mine, but I’ll go make a copy while you are out for dinner.” And don’t make a copy. Lock the doors. Turn up the stereo.

Leave a note on the door: ” If you attempt to enter my house, I will prosecute you for breaking and entering. If you make a scene, I will call the police. You have been unbelievably rude to me and disrespected my property. Go away.” And I would call the police if they start pounding on the door to get in.

Sometimes you have to practice tough love…and they were out of line.

Jeruba's avatar

I think the deal was broken even if they didn’t touch the drugs at all.

gorillapaws's avatar

@DarlingRhadamanthus Seems like a bit too passive-aggressive, no? I think @bellusfemina should show her maturity and directly confront them, explain clearly why she’s kicking them out, and then do so. No need to be secretive, or play weird games.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

This may be a plea to retract my original answer, as it was from an adult perspective.

When I was about 21 and fresh out of college, I moved in with my brother and sister-in-law. One night after a work shift that ended at 11:00PM, I went out with some co-workers. When I went back to the garage where the car was parked, there was my brother with a panicked look on his face.

Having lived without parental guidance at college, so to speak, it didn’t dawn on me that they would be concerned. At that point in my life, I was young, invincible and, well…ignorant. We then sat down and set some ground rules, which were perfectly acceptable to me.

If you care about him, have a chat with them about what is bothering you and set some guidelines. They can either adhere to them, or you can show them the way to the door.

HGl3ee's avatar

Now I’m curious if this was a first time occurrence or if something like this has happened before..

Buttonstc's avatar

@pied

There are no ground rules needed to know that theft of medication is wrong, wrong, wrong. And if they are controlled substances, that’s a trip to jail.

Theft does not deserve a second chance. Some things are just not to be tolerated.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

@gorillapaws….We are not dealing with dignified and gracious guests here. What sort of weird games are they playing with her? And in her own house? And secretive…who took the drugs? I realize that these are students, but they have not been polite or nice to our Fluther-friend.

The whole posting was that she was not sure what to do… I sensed she really didn’t want a confrontation or have a big blow-out (I may have been totally wrong.) I guess I was worried for her safety with what she shared. I was attempting to be helpful if she wanted to use some other non-direct tactic. Having grown up with pushy people who can’t take “No” for an answer, I was just giving her some other ideas…if confrontation was not in the cards. Why can’t she do _both? Confront them/talk to them and if they don’t listen, get them out of the house and then lock the doors!

And there is the whole issue with the drug theft. If you are dealing with unreasonable people, you may have to resort to something else. That’s why I gave another suggestion. It is defintely a “last resort” tactic. And I wasn’t clear on that. My apologies.

Merriment's avatar

They stopped being “company” and became “invaders” along about the time they pillaged your medicine cabinet. Show them the door. If you can’t do this on your own then I suggest you call your mom, apologize for “going over her head” in regards to her attempts to control your brother’s behavior and throw yourself on her mercy. Offer her dinner and when she gets there I don’t think she will have any problem clearing out your home for you.

Will there be hard feelings on your brother’s part? Probably…but aren’t you feeling a bit of hurt feelings yourself?

I’d also advise getting this all handled before your husband returns..dealing with extended family crap is the last thing he will want to face after a long work trip.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@Buttonstc You are right…and this is why I like Fluther so much. Something new to learn every day.

@bellusfemina Another thing to take into consideration: Maybe it was just one of them that pilfered the medication, and the other knows nothing about it. Letting them both know why they are being asked to leave could be insightful for the other into who they are dating.

Please let us know what happens.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

They’re avoiding you because they KNOW they’re behaving badly. Your brother is accountable to you for his guest in your home, you are not a brothel or a free motel.

Buttonstc's avatar

You’re not a free pharmacy either.

I wonder which one is gobbling the pills ? If it’s her, he needs to find a different gf asap.

cazzie's avatar

You could try talking to just your brother first, but if it were me, they would find their bags packed outside the door with me waiting for them for a stern talking to. The noise alone might have been dealt with by a chat, but how does one resolve the stealing of drugs? No doubt they’ll deny it. But, if it wasn’t your brother, don’t you think your brother should know that his girlfriend is stealing drugs from his sister? If they are in it together, the deserve the boot.

I don’t know how close you are to your brother. Maybe you can talk to him. Either way, they need to stay somewhere else, I think.

And I would warn your mother too, in case they try that route. No need to go into details perhaps, but you could just say they are ‘bad company.’

PandoraBoxx's avatar

We had an instance of rude behavior with house guests. It stemmed from my child “showing off” for the friend, wanting to act as if they were independent. (Not the drug part.) So she treated me as if I were the housekeeper, that she didn’t have to follow any rules, mouthed off to me, etc.

I hope the girlfriend does not turn up preggers as a result of this visit.

bellusfemina's avatar

UPDATE!!!! I thought you all would like to hear this!! So I was going to calmly talk to him when I got home from work last night. I notice when I get inside my house that my bedroom door was shut…....OMG….they weren’t just on my bed, they were IN MY BED!!!! They are gone! Sent them packing right away. My brother still doesn’t understand why I am furious!!!

gorillapaws's avatar

@bellusfemina make sure to explain that you don’t care that he’s having sex, it’s that he’s being rude in the WAY he’s having sex (keeping you up at night, running your water for 45 mins, on YOUR BED!), also call him out on the stolen meds. Explain why you need them, and how messed up it is for family to take that from you.

He should know why he’s being kicked out so it doesn’t create a wedge between you down the road.

chyna's avatar

Ewww. That is beyond rude, that is just disrespectful. And to act like he doesn’t understand why you are upset? He is immature far below his 18 years.

Jeruba's avatar

I heartily disagree with @gorillapaws. I don’t think you owe him an explanation for anything. Nor do I think you are responsible for taking the hit in order to ensure some future relationship with this self-centered boor. He owes you manifold apologies (though perhaps not an explanation since I doubt that one is possible). When he’s ready to acknowledge how outrageously out of line he was, I hope you are willing to forgive. But what happens next is his move.

gorillapaws's avatar

@Jeruba I didn’t say she owed him anything. I think explaining the exact reasons that he’s being kicked out leaves no room for misunderstanding, and it let’s him know what he did wrong. He’s so immature that he may just think he’s being kicked out because he’s having sex, and not understand that his behavior was wrong and hurtful. People need to understand what they’re doing wrong before they can change.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Send him the link to this question.

bellusfemina's avatar

Well another update: I actually was considering letting them come back, but then my sister called me irate (they were over there) saying they had trashed the bathroom. So he’s staying with my mom now, and they have to sleep in separate rooms. haha.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Good luck to your mom with that. And I hope she doesn’t have any medication.

chyna's avatar

I’m not sure why you would actually consider letting them come back. How much disrespect can you take?

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@chyna Some people can take a lot. My aunt is a martyr considering what she has taken on without a complaint over her 87 years. Everyone loves her. Her level of respect by others? Probably not as high, but not ruled out. How she lives with the things she’s put up with? No clue.

bellusfemina's avatar

@chyna Well, there is more to the story….He stayed over at my sister’s after I kicked them out. She is due to have a baby any day, and lives in a very tiny apartment. Yesterday, she was begging for me to take my brother and his girlfriend back to my house, because they were eating the last of her food and making messes. I didn’t want the stress of having them there to send her into labor! The other option of him going to my mom’s to stay, was not looking so good yesterday- they got into a huge fight (because she won’t let them sleep in the same bed/have sex in her house). My mom threatened to call the police and have him arrested if they don’t follow the rules. That would just be a really bad situation, since his girlfriend is 16 and he is 18. (not sure what the laws are about that- they’ve been together for 4 years) I sure don’t want him ending up in jail over something so stupid, which could potentially ruin his life….Anyways, so yesterday I was just wanting to make peace for the sake of my pregnant sister, and really stressed out mother. (who gets so stressed dealing with him that she gets chest pains and worries she will have a heart attack) As of last night, they are staying with my mom, and I told him if he behaves and obeys the rules and proves he can act respectful to people, I might consider letting them come back…of course now with detailed rules about what is acceptable. So it’s not that I put up with disrespect- it’s just the better option for making peace right now, with my family’s situation.

chyna's avatar

Oh, that is a bad situation all the way around. Good luck.

Buttonstc's avatar

What a mess !

But your Mother’s place is where they belong. Either that or a cheap Motel.

Just my opinion.

eden2eve's avatar

Hold on… am I the only one who thinks that a sixteen year old girl should be back at home with her parents instead of in bed with her eighteen year old boyfriend at his sister’s house. I’m with your mother on this one. What’s the matter with this girl’s parents?

Why are you surprised that she is acting like a child? She IS a child! Your brother is a child too, evidently. These two are demonstrably not responsible enough to be given this kind of latitude by the adults in their lives. Send her home.

bellusfemina's avatar

@eden2eve Haha…..my mom said the exact same thing today….what in the world are her parents thinking???

Merriment's avatar

@eden2eve – no you aren’t the only one to question the wisdom of allowing this underage sleepover.

Unless the age of consent is 16 this young man is one pissed off 16 year old and/ or one pissed off 16 yr old’s parent from facing statutory rape charges. And the whole family could have some serious ‘splaining to do about why they allowed it.

Jeruba's avatar

Why does anyone owe them free room and board? If they can’t take responsibility for themselves as adults, they are not entitled to adult privileges. It seems like they want to have what adults have while behaving like spoiled children who need to be taken care of and expect to be cleaned up after. There is no reason for anyone to buy into that.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

sure don’t want him ending up in jail over something so stupid, which could potentially ruin his life…

@bellusfemina, It sounds like he’s getting free passes on enough stupid behavior to land him in jail for other things. QUIT ENABLING HIM BEING A DUMBF_CK!! You are not doing him any favors by worrying about if he and his girlfriend have a place to sleep. They have a place to sleep. At your mothers. In separate beds.

You have to side with the“grown-up” camp on this one, and let your brother have to be accountable for his immature behavior and choices. He is choosing to be tossed out of people’s houses by his behavior. Why do you owe him access to free food, your medicine cabinet, and a place to screw (and possibly impregnate) his underage girlfriend?

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther