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danimal's avatar

I need advice about how to deal with my exgirlfriend?

Asked by danimal (63points) September 22nd, 2009

4 months into our relationship things were going crazy, we were both very unstable and both probably not ready to even be in a relationship. We both tried to break up with each other many times but we always failed at it and stayed together. Both of our esteems dropped terribly and one day I found a woman who made me feel good about myself again. I decided to sleep with her and break it off w/ her. I saw it as a quick ejection seat out of the relationship.

It was a one-night stand w/ that one girl, and I did break up with my girlfriend. A month later we were together again, even cheating couldn’t separate us. I told her we will not be officially ‘together’ and in my point of view, we had a great year and some change together. In her point of view I was a terrible mean jerk(who cheated) and was blinded by love. I find this out 2 months ago.

Interesting thing is, I am now the one blinded by love and she is the one that doesn’t want to officially be ‘together’. She has gotten very busy and distant from me and I really want to treat her the way I should had 2 years ago. She won’t give me the chance, but yet whenever I try to wish her good luck w/ her life and leave her in peace she tells me she still loves me and doesn’t want me to go. This has been dragging out or the past 2 months. She is talking to other people ‘cute guys’ online in which she claims she has no interest in.

I’ve been going a bit nuts, lets face it these cuter guys online are more suited for her than I am, and hell they look cuter too (i’d even bang em). I get paranoia about her just trying to get all the ducks in a row w/ these guys before she cuts me loose. Every time I ask her about any questions directly about us she says a lot of “I dont knows” “I don’t know what to say” “I need time to think” etc…

I love her as much as i would expect a groom to love his fiancée the seconds before he says “I do”

which is why i want to do the right thing, and I don’t know what that is. Sometimes I feel she is dragging it out mostly out of confusion and memory of my unfaithfulness and how much of a terrible person I became afterwards. I feel she is to busy for me, and i feel she has better options. Sometimes I feel she just needs some time getting her life in order to take me seriously again. The best chance at a good life I can possibly see for her is for me not to be in it. And i want to do leave her for her sake… But each time I try she shows affection which makes it impossible.

Should I stick around and wait till she find somebody else so she can live on peacefully? (Terribly Terribly difficult, in the past 2 months i’ve become a hollow shell of a man) Should I try to practice patience and pray that she’ll one day feel about me the way she used to? Is the right thing to do to stop talking to her as so we can both begin the healing process? Should I buy her something designer so that the love for a material object is associated with myself? (hah…)

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8 Answers

DarkScribe's avatar

You lost me with the “I’d even bang them” comment. You don’t seem to grasp what a real relationship is while she seems to be discovering what it is not.

XOIIO's avatar

I concur

danimal's avatar

if i could edit my post i would, i made another one! >_< truth us, the way i sprinkle some dark humor constantly in my life has also created problems. it holds true to fluther, while this post hasn’t helped my understanding of what to do w/ my love, it has shed some light on how my habits are the cause of my unhappiness.

wundayatta's avatar

My answer remains the same as the last time you asked this question. Also, Here’s an answer to an almost identical question that might be of use to you.

Zen's avatar

@danimal That, my friend, is an excellent beginning. Good luck, and welcome to fluther.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

Sounds like karma caught up with you. At some point she had to go through the same thing you’re going through now. It also sounds like the relationship (if you can even call it that) is a lost cause. Once you’ve put each other through that much bullshit it’s too hard to ever start fresh. If you haven’t ever been on the same page since the beginning, odds are that you won’t ever be.

MissAnthrope's avatar

This relationship sounds very unhealthy. Lots of red flags go up for me, reading your description. It sounds as if this relationship is codependent and addictive. (no judgment, I’ve been there, myself)

This relationship is like a drug; it’s not good for you, but you’re unable to quit it on your own. Neither of you is happy, things aren’t getting better, yet you hang on to it anyway. If the relationship were a drug, you’d require an outside force to help break the habit/addiction – likely you’d go to rehab or a program, get out of the situation(s) that trigger the desire to use, and learn better life skills.

Having been through an addictive relationship, myself, I think the best possible outcome is to break it off with her entirely. You can make it easier and tell yourself that after a month or two, you’ll re-assess, but it’s actually probably best that you behave as if it’s final because it will better help you let go and move on.

The push-pull aspect is unhealthy, even though it’s normal to have this in healthy relationships, just to a much lesser degree. She’s also actively trying to make you jealous and keep you tied in, which is not good for your self-esteem or positive mood. Also beware that you’re not in love with the idealized version of her or the relationship.. take a good, hard look at everything and how it makes you feel. If you’re able to be truly honest with yourself, I think you’ll find that all of this drama, stress, and heartbreak aren’t worth it.

Good luck.

mass_pike4's avatar

you cannot wait something like this out. You have to move on and let her decide what she wants to do. Do not let her pull you in and make you all confused. It would be better if you two just went separate ways for a while. What happens, will happen and take everything day by day. Going out of your way for her will just complicate things more, and trust me I’ve been in a similar boat. Tugging along and trying to work things out throws everything out of proportion. Bottomline is she will eventually forgive you, but she hasn’t yet. Some girls wil never forgive and just throw you out of their life.

I guess what I am hinting at is that you are fortunate you two still keep in touch. She knows that you still have feelings for her, and she knows she has feelings for you too. When you make a mistake like you did, they are hesitant because you hurt her badly. Like I mentioned before, play it out. If it is meant to be, it will work out. But, do not go out of your way to get back into things. Do not rush anything. Be the person you are and compliment her, etc. the little things. (That is if you really want to get her back) The little things make a big difference and eventually you two may get back together for sure and you won’t even know what you did.

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