Social Question

monStar's avatar

Why can't I get a boyfriend?

Asked by monStar (50points) August 1st, 2010

I’m 21 and I’ve never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, never kissed a guy, never held hands with a guy, never had a guy tell me he likes me, the list goes on.

I’m quirky, intelligent, and sweet. I’m not sure if I’m appealing in the looks department because only girls say I’m pretty. I’m a little on the shy side but I know many shy girls that have had boyfriends and there’s a lot of guys that claim they like shy girls.

I’ve tried striking up conversations with guys myself and they will respond but they don’t seem interested enough to keep the conversation going :(

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51 Answers

daytonamisticrip's avatar

their probably nervous

marinelife's avatar

Quit looking so hard. Instead, focus on making a lot of friends and getting active in the social scene.

Then you are likely to meet someone.

Something else you can do is join a type of group that interests you. Hiking club, sailing group, something you are genuinely interested in. You will meet people that way.

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hungerforpizza's avatar

There is tons of dating sites out there if your interested in that. Also, maybe your friends can set you up on blind dates? Just don’t force anything, that will end badly.

monStar's avatar

@marinelife I’m not desperate or anything, I just don’t happen to meet any guys that are interested.

@Necromancer I don’t have myspace/facebook. I have a pic on my profile…

@hungerforpizza Not interested in dating sites.

gorillapaws's avatar

@monStar You look hot to me. Maybe you smell really bad and everyone is too polite to tell you? Honestly, it’s pretty baffling that someone as attractive as you are is having a hard time finding a guy that’s interested in her. The only thing I can think of is that it must have something to do with the types of guys you’re hanging out with/interested in.

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Carly's avatar

Have you ever strongly tried to pursue a relationship with someone else?
I think the best way to meet someone is to find them when they’re doing something you’re interested in as well (sports, at a concert, at a school event). Then the two of you have at least one thing in common. I don’t think it’s really hard to find a bf/gf, you just have to know how to take the next step from friendship. I wouldn’t suggest a dating site at your age (I’m 22 and the thought of meeting a random person online doesn’t sound very comfortable).

In my experience, I’m moved onto this “next level” of friendship by simply showing the person that I was very trustworthy. Sincere people will only be intimate with you if they can share their intimate life and thoughts, so work on making deeper relationships, especially with the guys you’re attracted to. ^_^

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monStar's avatar

@Carly You’re probably right. I haven’t strongly tried to pursue a relationship. I don’t really like the idea of being the pursuer. So if a guy doesn’t seem as interested as I want him to be even though I’ve just met him and we’ve only talked once I just drop it and never talk to him again (I know that’s bad >_<)

Also, I think a lot of guys don’t see me as girlfriend material. :(

Response moderated (Obscene)
le_inferno's avatar

@monStar Well, how do you expect to get anywhere when you drop guys after one meeting? Here’s how I got my boyfriend: I met him at a party, we continued texting each other days after, I invited him over to hang out several times. I pushed the relationship along for a while; I initiated hanging out the first few times. Soon, he started asking me to have lunch with him and such. Eventually he got the balls to ask me on a real date. Sometimes, if you want something, you gotta work for it. Don’t expect guys to immediately be in the palm of your hand. They might get interested in you after they get to know you better. Once the relationship gets going, it really doesn’t matter who pursued it. You’re together and happy, that’s all that counts.

monStar's avatar

@le_inferno You’re right I need to be more assertive __
I’m so used to everything coming easy to me. I’m too fearful of rejection/failure to do that. I’m sensitive :(

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Do you work? I was similar to you in that no guys would hit on me in school or college (except teachers) but on my jobs then guys weren’t anywhere near as inhibited and something about the work setting made flirting easier as if it wasn’t as direct because we were already coworkers. Dating people from work is sketchy in a lot of fields but soooo many people spend most of their lives there and so meet partners there or through work functions.

monStar's avatar

@Neizvestnaya Teachers? Really? XD
I don’t work anymore but when I was I didn’t get any guys flirting with me. I had a lot of blond co-workers and they looked like models…so I was overlooked.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@monStar: Put this in mind… plenty of blondes who look like models will look at you. You say you’re on the shy side? People often read that as being aloof, preoccupied… already taken.

Next time you’re around anyone you think you’d at least like to have a first date with then try to start a conversation about things you like, places you like or would like to see one of these days. That’s a conversation several people can have together and no one feels pressure because it’s easy talk but between the lines then interested people gain information. It’s easy to say, “that sounds so cool, a great place for a date even”. People will look at you and ask if you have a bf to which you can naturally answer with a smile and say, “no but I kind of like the idea starting to date now that I feel like an adult”.

Invent a few scenarios and then run yourself through them with a few things you can say about yourself so if they come up you will appear relaxed, open and natural.

meagan's avatar

I wouldn’t worry about it. Either girls are too concerned about not having a boyfriend, or they’re too concerned about why their boyfriend is cheating.
Most men are really no good. And they probably aren’t dating you because you might be too smart for their games. Or you aren’t being slutty enough to attract their attention.

Its a sad world we live in.

Keysha's avatar

I was someone that never dated anyone, either. I stayed that way, for various reasons, until I was 40. Then I met Arisztid, and never looked back. I’m the type of person, it seems, that only has one Love. And I had to wait until I met him, before anything happened for me.

Here we are 6 years later, and still together. My way worked for me.

perspicacious's avatar

Like @marinelife said, just be social and do new things where you will meet new people. Think of new acquaintances as potential friends; one of them will eventually strike a romantic note for you both.

gorillapaws's avatar

I think @Neizvestnaya may be onto something. If a girl is being particularly shy or not really engaging, I would interpret that as her politely signaling to me that she’s not interested. Being a gentleman myself, I would tent to move on in that situation instead of trying to “press my luck” and possibly make the woman feel uncomfortable.

Assholes, of course don’t care, and are just trying to get laid, but you don’t seem like the type looking for that. I think the advice about opening up a bit, and definetly giving the guy more than one chance is the way to go.

@meagan I agree that there are a lot of assholes out there. One thing I’ve noticed though is that women tend to all flock to the alpha males. This causes the alpha male to become an asshole because he can get away with it—as the laws of supply and demand dictate. As a result, there are usually a lot of decent guys out there who would love to find a girl they can treat well but go unnoticed. So if you broaden your search, and give non-alpha males a shot, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Best of luck to you both.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@monStar Welcome to fluther. And, great eyes. I found the secret to me meeting women was not to try. Relax, be myself, and they just came to me. I think people can sense it pretty quick if you aren’t being yourself, and they throw up their defenses, And I have to agree with gorillapaws, a lot of women hook up with the bad boys, but it might be because they have issues or lack self esteem. Hang out where the type of guy you like hangs out and just relax and be open to whatever.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I had a few nice dates tell me they were hesitant to ask me out because they assumed I was already taken since I didn’t talk about hanging out with girl buddies or partying and didn’t give details about my personal life. The nice guys thought I was modest and taken, the bad boys didn’t care like @gorillapaws says, the bad boys were just about themselves. After that I decided to drop a few hints about being single which worked like saying how much I adore the good guys even if they take longer to ask me out. It worked, I’ve got a GREAT guy who often asks how he found me or why someone else hadn’t scooped me up and my answer has been I was waiting for the right one to try.

le_inferno's avatar

@meagan Bitter much? I don’t think it’s really fair to say “most men are no good.” Not every guy is just looking to take advantage of girls. I think that’s evidenced by all the happy couples in the world, clearly demonstrating the existence of men who want more than just a dispensable piece of ass. Men have penises, yes, but they also have hearts. Only the girls who have been burned too many times are too calloused to realize that.

BoBo1946's avatar

If that is you on the avatar, you must live in a neighbor where the boys have vision problems! You are a very attractive lady.

A bad boyfriend is 10 times worse than not having one. Be patient, the right man will come along. Don’t settle just for a boyfriend girl. Find the right boyfriend!

Great place to meet nice people is at church.

Good luck!

Steve_A's avatar

Maybe your attractive looks + intelligence was too much for them to handle, truly you never know guys can be shy,nervous and intimidated by such a combo.

Or you could just flirt more, if you’d like practice here. :)

BoBo1946's avatar

@Steve_A great point….the intimidation factor.

Ludy's avatar

be honest, if you like somebody just tell them, of course sometimes they might not share the same feeling but at least you won’t waste ur time, take charge, my fiancee said that i was very intimidated when he met me, I asked him out on a date, gave him te first kiss (not his first, our first), pay for our dinner, but I am a very impatient person so i could not wait for him to conquer his fear to talk to me, so yeah, almost 3 years and counting… :D

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

I guess you shouldn’t be thinking so much of a boyfriend now, you are still young to me. (No Offence!) I am excactly the same as you. and I am 16:) I think I’ll better concetrate on school and education right now than boys….
What I am saying is that you should maybe go to clubs every 2 weeks or something… I am sure there are a lot of guys there:)

monStar's avatar

@meagan Sometimes I feel like that when I’m in one of my man bashing moods.
@Keysha Maybe that’s how it will end up being for me.
@Adirondackwannabe Thanks. I’m myself most of the time…no luck XD.
@Neizvestnaya Yeah, I’m not into partying and I’m not exactly an open book either, so maybe guys do assume I’m taken. I also noticed that many people think I’m much younger than I am (some people think I’m as young as 13) Do you think that has anything to do with it?
@BoBo1946 Yes that’s me. I’m being very patient but when all your friends have boyfriends and you don’t it kinda makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Churches make me uncomfortable O_o
@Steve_A and @BoBo1946 I don’t think I’m super attractive or super intelligent. I’m pretty average so I don’t think I can intimidate anyone. Yeah…I don’t do flirting. I was raised around all women so I don’t really know how to interact with the opposite sex properly
@Ludy I don’t really like anyone right now. There was a guy in one of my classes that I kinda liked and he was really nice to me but then I found out I wasn’t his type :(
@Thesexier When I was 16 I didn’t care. I’m 21 now and I don’t have any experience with guys so that’s starting to make me worried. Oh I hate clubs!

Ludy's avatar

Think, he wasn’t your type then :D

BoBo1946's avatar

@BoBo1946 respectfully disagree…you are a very attractive lady. Good luck…

janbb's avatar

@monStar What do you like to do? How do you like to spend your time? @marinelife was right on target that the best way to meet someone is at an activity you are doing that you enjoy. Then you will be relaxed and have a topic of conversation that you are both interested in.

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

@monStar , Damn!.
sorry that I can’t help:/

Good Luck :D

monStar's avatar

@janbb I’m an artist so I like doing anything creative. I like playing video games, playing with my cat. surfing the web. My hobbies are kind of boring, none of those things require me to be around people.

janbb's avatar

How about taking an art class? It is harder to meet people if you are more of an introvert; I understand that.

Carly's avatar

@monStar that really depends on what you consider “gf material”

I think both people in the relationship should treat each other as they would want to be treated
(you can take that as the golden rule or not). It wasn’t until I started acting exactly like I wanted to be treated that I found the right person for me to date.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@monStar- yes, if you look very young then people are often uncomfortable to ask or even flirt because they don’t want others to observe and pass judgement they are perverts. Again, find ways to drop into conversations your age and single status.

Example: “I love getting carded!” That says right there you’re 21 or older.

lostinyoureyes's avatar

@monStar Thanks for asking the question I’ve been too chicken to ask! We’re around the same age…sounds like we have really similar personalities…and everything that everyone here has told you to do is everything I hardly do either. You’re not alone, if you’re worried about that.

Sometimes we just have to be an open book, and assume that’s the only way anyone will ever know us at all.

And regret is a bitch. So let’s take a chance….

silvermoon's avatar

@monStar You sound a lot like me. Recently I started seeing a guy who had liked me for ages but I didn’t know it so I thought why not give him a try. Like you I don’t have any experience in the department of “men” but don’t let that get you down. You are proberly getting noticed and just dont know it. Try smiling at people on the street (a smile always makes others smile) and if you decide you like a guy a simple “Hello” can be all it takes in beginning to knnow someone. Don’t worry about being shy just be you and smile because you lovely smile will bring confidence and guys do love a great smile.

evandad's avatar

Give it time. It’ll happen.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

It usually happens when you least expect it. Don’t sweat it you are young. Plenty of time.

SVTSuzie's avatar

Go to a rock concert, you’ll get a boyfriend…

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@SVTSuzie Yeah, that works. If she get’s a STD and pregnant, she’s got the triple crown.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Making some pretty rude assumptions about the girl aren’t you?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Russell_D_SpacePoet Remembering a few concerts I’ve been to, but yes, I deserved to be called on that.

dynamicduo's avatar

Hello @monStar. I’d like to share with you my similar experience with dating.
I too did not have a boyfriend for a long long time. I really didn’t consider it a priority, and no one really asked me out or anything. I guess I was probably focused on my regular friends and doing the things I like. I too am a very creative person who finds a lot of comfort in doing things on my own. And am quirky, intelligent, etc. Very similar in fact.
I did things I liked, spent time with friends doing fun things, in general I was content living my life by myself.
Then I started a new job, met a guy, started up a conversation, which eventually resulted in us seeing a movie and then seeing each other. And we are still together now, going on 6 years I believe I kinda lose count of these things.
I wasn’t looking for anyone, it just happened while I was going on my daily life.

You know the cliche advice they give you in magazines: just be yourself, don’t look, love will find you? It’s cliche because it’s often true. Sure you can find romance by actively searching it out. But I wouldn’t do that without having given it an honest chance of happening naturally. Try to get out of the house and do something in public, after all you won’t meet anyone new in your own house. Take a class, like a painting class or a new art skill. There are plenty of these if you look around. That way you’ll be around a group of people with a common interest, which eases the discussion. But you’re not going to take classes with the primary intent of meeting guys, you’re taking classes to better yourself and to learn a new thing you want to learn. You will meet new friends. Some of these friends may have the potential to be more than friends. Many will not. Such is life. I’ve met some of my best friends doing things like this, taking a language class, etc. Sometimes we don’t even have the initial hobby in common anymore. But that hobby at that time was a bridge to let us get to know each other better. And if I hadn’t been in a relationship already I can guarantee you this method would have resulted in me being in one.

But even if it doesn’t result in love, it can result in friendship which opens a door down the line. And something I’ve learned is that life is all about opening doors where you never think you’ll need them. A friend you meet invites you to a party, and boom, there is the friend-of-a-friend who you have an immediate connection with. Chance encounters. Random encounters. You have to take the initiative to open some doors for others to start opening up, and it can be tough for introverts to do this, but give it a shot first before going on to dating sites etc. I guarantee you there are many guys who are happy doing similar things that you do – staying in, making crafts, playing games, reading books, tinkering with electronics, etc. Ironically enough, all these guys tend to be the ones who avoid parties/gatherings/other social events where they can meet girls who are like them. But hey, with you out at these events, half the battle is won!

Jabe73's avatar

@gorillapaws I like your answer the best here.

@monStar I will briefly add something here. If girls truely want a decent guy for a boyfriend they have to be willing to be assertive in some way. Even if you are “traditional” and do not want to directly ask the guy out you can still talk or approach a guy first. Approaching/talking to someone first and asking someone on a date are two different things. Actually I just met someone (first date in quite a while for me). We are not serious, we just met but she talked to me at same store we would always see each other at, she threw hints that she was single and started talking about how she wished she had someone to go to the amusement park with then I suggested we go together, next thing we had a date. Little tricks like this can work real well. :)

melissa92's avatar

i’ll say im in the EXACT same boat….im very pretty nice…cool and everyone just overlooks or ignores me….im supposedly ‘super hot’ and gorgeous….people just refuse to be with me and guys only try to use me for sex——in essence most guys just try to use me…for something then bail…but theyre kissing up to their real GF or other girls and treat me liek dirt…from your picture—youre really cute and it wudnt make sense why u cant meet a guy…maybe its just bad luck——it isnt what you’er doing….guys these days EXPECT women to chase them it seems…in some have to be the aggressor or the loser aloof weirdo guy just waits for the next girl that will ‘chase’ him…most women these days are REALLY aggressive and guys aer losers/pussies…they sit back and wait for a girl to hit on them rather than the other way around….society has changed and guys arent normal the way they used to be…you literally have to kiss their a**es for them to show any interest in you or show them ALL the interest….im like you…im pretty and i dont sit around pursuing men just because…they get an ego trip off that..because of that im single and cant meet a guy…it seems either…i refuse to chase some egotistical loser out there…just b/c that’s what society has turned into——guys who are wimps who sit back while women do all the work…and their egos are so shriveled theyre terrified of rejection…(their #1 stupid excuse for EVERYTHING) so they say “well if a girl likes me she’ll show it”...“i dont do anything until the girl shows shes interested in me” that’s what you’re stuck with…idiots and egomaniacs and insecure scared losers who cant as much show a girl interest…most of the time….really, you just have to turn into the aggressive sluts most stupid girls are these days…most of the time to end up getting a ‘boyfriend’ have to do the chasing, fawning, etc…the idiot guy sits back then FINALLY makes a move after you’ve given half your soul to the loser… the 21st century is not a fun time to date—mostly morons out there and most guys fall for b*tches and mean spoiled women and will give everything to these mean spoiled bossy controlling c*nts while overlooking nice girls… ive been single ALL my life and im nice pretty cool…im screwed b/c men are terrified of me b/c im beautiful and so i dont have a chance at meeting someone…b/c guys egos are so shriveled to hell they cant handle being with a really pretty girl or who knows…

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