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missjena's avatar

Is it normal to be terrified of losing your significant other?

Asked by missjena (918points) August 2nd, 2010 from iPhone

I have met the post perfect man in my life. I love him so much that I’m worried that if we break up I’d be destroyed and never get over it. I’ve never met someone so perfect for me but I hate this feeling of the unknown future. Can anyone relate to this sickening feeling?

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26 Answers

MissA's avatar

If you focus on losing him, you will bring that into your reality.

Why not take each day at a time and be the best you are able, so that you may increase your chances of a lengthy relationship.

Cruiser's avatar

I am more terrified of them dying or suffering some horrible turn of event than them just walking away out the door. I can’t make anyone stay with me and I have learned you have to always keep stock in yourself in the event the unexpected does occur. IMO, too much or over the top investment in another person is just not healthy over the long haul.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I was thinking of you MissA when I read this question. When you aren’t scared of losing your s/o, then you might have a problem, missjenna. It’s part of the territory of life. You have to give of yourself to get back what makes life worth living.

misstrikcy's avatar

Oh absolutely! It is insecurity….
You haven’t said how long you have been with this guy… My own experience is that this can happen often at the beginning of a new relationship, especially if it is going well. Once the realtionship settles down a bit, and you feel more secure with your partner, then these feelings can often disappear.
But you can be driven crazy in the meantime…. try very hard not to think too much about them, nor act on them.

mary84's avatar

I can definitely relate to this, a few months ago I met the most perfect man as well, and everything was going great, it almost felt too good to be true. Which is why I began to worry and feel insecure, and just as people had predicted (including myself) this began to affect our relationship in a negative way. So you kind of build your own trap… Try and tell yourself that if it’s meant to be it will be, and if it screws up, then maybe it wasn’t meant to be. The one thing that will destroy your relationship is your own worries and insecurities, for sure.
Also if you can, try to talk to him about it and let him know you’re afraid.

Blackberry's avatar

No, it’s not normal, although it is common among certain types of people.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

Breaking up? No. Death? Yes. This fear is a matter of age difference.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@mary84 Your last sentence is the answer. Communicate!!!!!!

bburfield's avatar

I must admit, it is normal—at least from my little world. I think your fear is mainly built on insecurity. We fear losing what we think we aren’t good enough for, or believe that the other person isn’t sharing the same feelings that we are. You ARE good enough. You GOT him, now, try and enjoy this relationship. There’s nothing that drives a man more nuts than someone who is fearful of losing him and in turn becomes over-obessive. Be confident, and I’m sure he will notice the difference. I am only saying these things because I can relate completely. I know my husband loves me with everything he has, but he can’t help me unless I share these feelings with him. Just be confident in who you are as a person, and remember you are whole in yourself. I hope this helps.

CherrySempai's avatar

I would be scared of them dying.

I think if you just find out how he feels about you (if it’s as strong as you feel about him =]) then you’ll be comforted by hearing his thoughts. If things are really good now, then don’t worry about the future, and just enjoy the moment =]!

john65pennington's avatar

Life is what you make it. you and i are fortunate to have met a mate for life. the key is to live each day with each other, as though it were your last. no need to worry about something you canot control.

Zyx's avatar

Not normal, justified though.

mattbrowne's avatar

No, being terrified is not normal and also very unhealthy. Being a bit worried from a time to time might be okay.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I do worry – not about him leaving me, though…but about something happening to him.

Likeradar's avatar

I don’t know if it’s normal, but I don’t think it’s healthy. I think it’s so important to be happy enough with yourself and your life before entering a relationship so that it doesn’t make or break your life.

wundayatta's avatar

You sound like you haven’t had much experience with relationships. Certainly not enough to gain some perspective on them. You will find out that he is not nearly as perfect as he is now. You will find out that if you break up, you will be able to survive. You will find out that there will never be any certainty about the future.

When you fall in love, it creates incredibly strong feelings in you. It gives you a high that is actually higher than any drug can provide. It is instantly addicting. So the same thing that attracts you to a person makes you feel completely dependent on the person and unable to survive without them. You can not stand the idea of losing your fix.

Left alone, this high will gradually subside over time—maybe two to three years; in some cases a dozen years; and in a very few cases for a life time. Because it is gradual, you don’t really notice it so much, until you wake up some day a few years from now and wonder what happened. Then you either break up (divorce if you are married) or work to bring things back to a level that makes you both happy.

If you break up early on, then yes, it is devastating and it can take the same amount of time to recover from it as if you were following the path of a relationship that stayed together.

The thing is, you can’t worry about this. It’s too late now. You’re in the relationship. All you can do is enjoy it while it lasts, especially since, as many have pointed out, worrying about him leaving can make him leave once he gets tired of your worries. Jealousy doesn’t help, either.

If your love is real, then you should be able to talk about this. You can express your worries and work out ways for him to reassure you without it being a burden on him. If you can’t talk to him about this, then your relationship probably won’t last. The only way it will last is because you keep changing yourself into what you imagine he wants. In this way, you will become less and less yourself; less the person he fell in love with; and less the person you are. You’ll be very unhappy with yourself.

Your only choice is to be fully yourself, and to act as you would act when being fully yourself. If the relationship doesn’t work out when you do that, then it is not the relationship you thought it was.

So gain perspective on your feelings. This is normal and it will go away. If it doesn’t go away, that is a sign that something is wrong. You need to talk. If you can’t talk honestly and fully, then something is wrong.

Another thing to be very careful of is the role that fantasy plays in this. We all do this to one degree or another. In the absence of information, we imagine who a person is and what they will do under various circumstances. Sometimes we ignore information because we want our idea of the person to be who that person is.

Unfortunately or fortunately, people are usually different from who we imagine them to be. There is not much we can do to stop doing this, but we can be aware we are doing it, and try to get a reality check on our imaginations as soon as possible.

Your fantasy is that your true love will leave you and you will become a lost damsel, barely able to live. This fantasy gives you powerful feelings and makes you feel alive, even though it also makes you want to die. It is a romantic feeling. It is also pretty much unrelated to real life or to your lover.

Watch yourself. Look out for your imagination carrying you away. Get reality checks. Talk to him. About everything. And the rest, as they say, is gravy.

Frenchfry's avatar

Well I have not felt that in a long tme since I got married. My advice is don’t let it consume you because it could happen then.Just keep telling yourself that you deserve to be happy and show the confidence that. You deserve to be happy. You really do. Everyone does. I am not just worried about death like the others.

Seaminglysew's avatar

Loving someone else is always a risk, but well worth taking. I believe that if you are totally in tune with yourself and like who you are, you will feel more secure. You have to be whole and want to share that with someone else rather than wanting them to make you whole. If the future turns out not to work like you want it to you will not be destroyed, you always have your selfworth.

missjena's avatar

Thank you everyone for such a great discussion. I understand there are different stages of love. The first one being the addictive drug feeling kind of love. They say then it’s a deeper more comfortable love. They say in some couples those butterfly feelings go away and it’s a deeper love. My question is which ones stronger? Do you fall more in love as time goes on?

downtide's avatar

Fear of death, yes, but not fear of my partner walking out.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Think of the energy of a puppy, and then think of the look an old dog gives you with complete trust and love. That might give you an idea, missjena

evandad's avatar

There were a few times I could sense the end was near. I worried about it and did what I could to try and change things. It didn’t work. I still got my heart broken. It’s a part of life.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

It’s normal in a sense. I worry sometimes about how I would cope if a freak accident took my husband from me. But that’s also because we’ve been together for so long and we have 2 children together. My worry is natural because where would I live and how would I provide for 2 children on my own?

I think being “terrified” of losing your boyfriend is a bit too much though… Maybe you’re afraid of being alone? Right now you are unmarried and you have no intense responsibilities to tiny humans. Just live your life in peace, and believe that whatever is meant to happen will happen.

OpryLeigh's avatar

I can definately relate to that feeling, I am terrified of losing the man I love. Whether it’s normal or not I don’t know but I know how you feel.

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

I can say I relate to it….But since I’m having technical difficulties with her right now. I’m still terrified of losing her. And I think it’s a good thing that you feel that way since it shows that you really care for that person. I mean It’s hard to know what the future will have in store for you…But It’s best to just keep going with it. If things get out of hand and you break up…Maybe THAT’S what the future had for you… Good luck to you both though!

YARNLADY's avatar

Yes, it is normal, at first, but after it’s already happened a few times, and you have somehow managed to live through it, your learn to simply be happy with what you got.

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