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BarnacleBill's avatar

Lesbians: Do you have a problem with guys hitting on you?

Asked by BarnacleBill (16083points) August 8th, 2010

A young woman I work with is a lesbian, and is in a relationship with another woman (both are in their early 20’s). They have been dating for about a year, but do not live together. My co-worker shares a house with three other woman, who are not lesbians. She is constantly being hit on in her home by either her housemates’ boyfriends, brothers or friends who come for parties. She sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night to find a guy sitting in her bedroom.

Confronting the roommates and the young men, she gets answers like “He’s Christian, he wouldn’t do anything creepy like that” or “are you sure you weren’t coming on to him?” or “are you sure you’re really a lesbian?” or “you just haven’t met the right guy yet.”

Is this a common problem?

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39 Answers

JLeslie's avatar

I am not a lesbian.

Sound like she lives in a place full of Christians, bible belt most likely, who do not respect her.

No one wants unwanted come-ons or attention. Sounds like they are not accepting that she is lesbian, but even if she were straight and men were hitting on her, who she prefer were not hitting on her, it would be uncomfortable.

Lightlyseared's avatar

Lesbian or not, if a strange bloke is sitting in your bedroom, uninvited, in the middle of the night thats just weird and probably a matter for the police.

Jude's avatar

Yes. The sad part is, when I tell them that I’m in a relationship with a woman, they don’t seem to want to back off. Or, when I’m with her, they are overly aggressive and try to be apart of the situation. We’re both cute girls and sometimes, we hold hands or are affectionate (not too much pda, though) and so, we tend to attract horny assholes.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Yes, people don’t believe me, they think it’s just a phase or I haven’t met the right man, yada yada yada.

But more to the point: Even if she was straight, how would random men being in her room while she’s sleeping be even a little bit ok? I’d call the cops on these men, and move into a place where my roommates had some respect for me, and didn’t put me in harms way.

Jude's avatar

My girlfriend also gets pissed off because guys will come up to me (in a bar) and flirt, then I tell them that “this is my girlfriend” (in other words, back off, buddy), but, they don’t. No respect.

She always threatens that she’s going to beat them up, ha.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

I think I see a slight difference between your question and your details. Are you asking if it’s offensive to be hit on by a man in general… or if it’s offensive to be disrespected by someone that actually knows you and just doesn’t care about what you want?

Because I think anyone would be offended by the latter.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@jjmah I have that problem too. They don’t hear “I’m taken” so much as “you’re 5 minutes of skirt-chasing away from a 3some”.

Lightlyseared's avatar

Also the “He’s a christian he wouldn’t do anything like that” comment isn’t worth anything – have you seen how many catholic priests have turned out to be paedophiles.

jerv's avatar

I am a straight man who is hit on a lot by gay guys. Most accept my heterosexuality and apologize for getting the wrong idea about me and a few try to get me to experiment.

The truth is that a lot of guys regardless of orientation will try anything to get someone into bed.

JLeslie's avatar

@Lightlyseared A Catholic would never say, “he’s a Christians,” and the the Christian who would say it doesn’t count the Catholics as Christians.

Lightlyseared's avatar

@JLeslie In the UK Catholics are considered to be christian.

JLeslie's avatar

@Lightlyseared Here to if you are anything but an evangelical Christian, they seem to not accept the Catholics as Christian. I find it ridiculous.

skfinkel's avatar

I don’t think any religion has been shown to be an antidote to bad choices, poor ethics, or questionable morals. Witness many religious demagogues on TV who turn out to have scant if any morals at all. Each day, a new revelation. Not to mention the tragedy of so many at the hands of predatory priests.

JLeslie's avatar

@Lightlyseared Would any of your Catholics say, “he is a Christian,” to mean he is a good person who would never hit on a girl who did not want the attention?

cockswain's avatar

I totally get why lesbians (or anyone) would find that offensive. Sad truth is, if you are a hot lesbian couple you are the Holy Grail of het male sexual conquest.

Lightlyseared's avatar

@JLeslie I doubt it. If we think some one is a good person who wouldn’t hit on a girl after she had made it clear she didn’t want the attention then we’d say so. Religious belief has nothing to do with it.

RANGIEBABY's avatar

I am Catholic and I would never say that. I don’t think this has anything to do with someone’s religion. It has to do with a jerk that can’t get the message. It is up to the girl to set them straight, even if it means being rude. Some people force you into using stronger words to get your point across.
And the remark “are you sure you weren’t coming on to him?” is just plain ludicrous. That would most likely be the question of a jealous person. She needs to move where she can get more support from her friends.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@RANGIEBABY It’s hugely invalidating to say “are you sure you weren’t coming onto him”. I mean, imagine if this guy who’s in her room (???!!!??) had assaulted her – would her roommates response be “are you sure you didn’t initiate sex while unconscious?”

BarnacleBill's avatar

@TheOnlyNeffie, part of what I find appalling is that the blame seems to be laid on this young woman, when she is in her own home, minding her own business. Maybe this is really two questions – guys in general hitting on young women, and by sexual orientation. It is extremely wrong to be aggressively interested in a woman who does not express interest in you. I’m not sure if this is because lots of young men can’t read social cues, grew up watching too much talk show television, or what.

The house is a great deal on the rent, and my friend is the one that found it, so she doesn’t think she should be the one to move out. The roommates were her friends in high school, and she feels that asking them to move out would lead to hurt feelings. I’m not so sure that I understand this reasoning, as they are all out of college, and don’t seem to have much in common besides high school. She really needs to have a lock on the bedroom door, and use it, which is unfortunate that she would need that to feel safe sleeping in her own home.

JLeslie's avatar

@Lightlyseared Exactly, Catholics here would never do it either, only the evangelic type Christians who think religion has to do with everything, it’s tiresome. I doubt you have many like that over in the UK . America seems to have a corner on the market. They are only in certain parts of our country, primarily the south. These Christians, Baptists, and some other denominations don’t like that the Catholics pray to Mary and others, and some additional reasons that I cannot remember, so they feel Catholics are not really Christians.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@BarnacleBill While sometimes society can see lesbians as in need of more “saving” than other women, and thus whatever men do is ok so long as it’s in the name of bringing a lesbian over from the dark side, what is happening to this woman is really more of an issue of rape culture and a blame-the-victim mentality.

BarnacleBill's avatar

There are parts of the country were “he’s Christian” means “he’s accepted Jesus Christ as his personal Savior” and was baptized as a Christian and anything he does from that point on means eternal damnation. Or at least that’s how a someone explained it to me. I think using “He’s Christian” means he wouldn’t do that because it means “fry in Hell”.

I don’t think a lot of people understand their religions, but go along with it because of a need for community identification.

I don’t think “he’s Christian” negates this type of behavior as being anything but predatory.

JLeslie's avatar

@BarnacleBill He’s a Christian means they would believe him and not her if it came down to a he said she said. At least that is how I see it. He is a Christian and would always behave in a Christian way. To add insult to injury in this situation, she is a lesbian, which in their minds God is not too happy about. He cares about God’s word and follows it, and she doesn’t.

JLeslie's avatar

@BarnacleBill Probably that much thought was not put into it when it was said though, admittedly. In these parts it is just a sentence they throw around a lot, part of the vernacular. They just don’t realize it is offensive to some people.

BarnacleBill's avatar

I’m really worried that something bad is going to happen to this young friend. There seems to be a sense that overt sexual aggression is a fact of life, regardless of sexual orientation.

JLeslie's avatar

@BarnacleBill Well, I don’t blame you. It seems the people around her are horrible, and do not take her seriously. Where does she live?

BarnacleBill's avatar

Northern Kentucky.

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BarnacleBill's avatar

I can imagine what the modded comments are. The Creation Museum is just down the road, but so is The Merton Center and the second largest Buddhist Center in the US is “up the road a piece.” It’s not all bible belt.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@BarnacleBill What do you imagine they are?

BarnacleBill's avatar

LOL About the same that I get when I travel and mention where I’m from. The state has a reputation of being backwards and uneducated. Part of that is true. Part of it is distrust of anything new and unfamiliar. It’s more of a lack of imagination.

mineown's avatar

I have to say that as a straight male, I find it very annoying when lesbians hit on me just to tease me and build me up just to tell me they don’t like guys and aren’t interested.

JLeslie's avatar

@BarnacleBill I know wonderful people from Kentucky, its not that I think all of Kentucky is going to be bible thumping Evangelicals. All I am saying is if you are going to come across a Christian who is going to say something like “he’s a Christian” it is likely to be in the bible belt.

tinyfaery's avatar

It happens. If the guy doesn’t shove off after knowing I’m taken and gay then I turn into a woman no one would want to be around. I have perfected the stone-faced, bitch stare. And I follow that with my “get the fuck away from me” spiel.

I recommend a lock on the door and a very pointed discussion about boundaries.

BarnacleBill's avatar

@JLeslie, I knew exactly what you meant. No worries. And there are a lot of wonderful people, kind, generous people here. A significant part of the population wants everyone to be just like them, and can’t fathom why being different from them is something you would want to be.
@tinyfaery, I’ve pretty much decided that the only way I will be able to sleep is if I have a locksmith go over and install a doorknob that locks with a key. She didn’t want to have to ask the landlord to pay for it, because she didn’t want to have to tell him why she needed it.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Anyone who doesn’t count the Catholic religion as “Christian” is an idiot who doesn’t know history.

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