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Lorenita's avatar

Need advice on relationship issues?

Asked by Lorenita (735points) August 15th, 2010

Hello, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years… it’s been a rocky relationship, at the same time there are just so many things I love about him.. and I dont think im wrong if I say that, in the beginning I was the one crazy in love, not him, not at all.. but in time I chilled..and realized I didnt have to put up with everything just to like him and kinda became more rational and mature I guess, and its been great, we’ve become very close, and I love him very much. The thing is that, I met another guy, who I actually like a lot, and he likes me back, he’s told me so. But I had to turn him down. Now, he’s not just a guy I met overnight, I met him at work, and it’s been six months, we’ve become close friends… But somehow lately, I can’t stop thinking about this guy, and If I’m making the right choice here. What do you guys think? I’m very confused

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18 Answers

Seaofclouds's avatar

Only you can decide who you want to be with. If you decide that you want to be with your boyfriend, then you need to distance yourself from this other guy. If you want to be with this other guy, then you need to be honest with your boyfriend and end the relationship.

Frenchfry's avatar

. If you are happy in your current relationship .I would not go for a new guy. If you are miserable, break it off. I would not try to keep both that is just plain mean. I think you are just loving the excitement and the flirting of a new guy. I would not try to cross the line if I was happy with my relationship. Flirt to a point but do not touch. It’s up to you…

yeaiknow's avatar

you should choose the one who makes you smile. someone who can make you happy all the time.

Trillian's avatar

How old are you?
Ask yourself this; What is the guy at work giving me that my guy is not? Did he used to give it to me or have I always done without it? Is this something I can live without? Will my guy ever give it to me? Have I told him that I need it from him?
Generally, attractions outside of a monogamous relationship indicates some need not being met by the SO. Depending on what the need is. Sometimes it is an insatiable need that the other can never fill no matter what. That should be taken care of in therapy. If the need is external, you have some soul searching to do.
Above all else, remain honest and keep communicating with your man. Give him a chance to fill your needs by letting him know what they are. If he is willing…. well, it’s all up to you, really.
Good luck.

mollydrew's avatar

If you are interested in this guy at work and thinking about him a lot then most likely your 2½ year relationship is not giving you something you need. You do not mention if this is your first serious relationship or how old you are. You will never regret being honest, make your feelings and needs known. Is there a thrill about the fellow at work because it is “forbidden” or out of reach and your 2 yr plus relationship is that too settled? no excitement? Search yourself first what you want or need be honest with yourself first.

YARNLADY's avatar

No matter what you choose today, you might feel that you need to change tomorrow. The thing about relationships is they don’t mean anything until there is a commitment on the part of both partners.

skfinkel's avatar

You don’t need to make any permanent commitment with anyone right now—especially if you are not sure. Time to take an honest look at what you really like and want. If you need to explore a new relationship, tell your boyfriend what the story is. If you don’t want to give up your boyfriend for this new person, that tells you something too. Don’t be afraid to break-up though. Don’t act out of fear.

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

Oh this….Look….I know how you would feel about this. I bet a lot of people have had this, where they are in love with someone, it dies down, then you find someone else that you like. It’s always something that will occur to me. But I think it would be best to choose who you enjoy much more. I would be loyal to my other, even though I would have thoughts of other in my head. But if you truly, really like this guy….Let your mate down slowly…Don’t get sucked into things that will happen if something emerges unexpectedly… But I must warn that it you do or don’t get with this guy here is what will sometimes happen.

1: You go out with the other guy, but then he still loves you and you still have feeling for him, then creating a conflict between your emotions and what you really feel.

And 2: You don’t go out with the other guy, but you still love him, just that you don’t want to hurt your current mate right now….

Honestly to say, go with what you think is right. I’m sorry if this wasn’t very helpful and it did seem sorta vague…. So I wish you luck!

perspicacious's avatar

Be with the one you love. Not hard. If you can’t decide, you don’t love either of them

BarnacleBill's avatar

“Crazy in love” is usually infatuation, and not love. Love develops, and in the case of your relationship, it’s developed because you’ve worked at it. You need to spend some time thinking about whether or not this attraction to the new guy is just infatuation. What’s different about each of the guys? Perhaps the answer is, as @perspicacious says, neither of them.

Cruiser's avatar

Things should not be rocky in a relationship and sounds as though you have made your fair share of compromises to make this relationship work with your current boyfriend. Is that what you want out of your relationships?

Think of being connected heart to heart with someone who you will know is your soul mate. That person exists out there and if and when they show up in your life it is up to you to make that effort to at least find out…at least I would!! ;)

wundayatta's avatar

I don’t think there is any one right mate for anyone. There are probably thousands of people we could do quite well with spread throughout the world. But, unless you want to sneak around and run the risk of being caught, you can only have one.

I believe that, given a halfway right match, you can make a relationship and a marriage work. In some cultures, marriages are arranged, and the couple eventually comes to love each other. It is possible. That is to say that you could probably have a good relationship with either of these men, depending on how hard each of you is willing to work.

In our culture, we like the myth of “happily ever after.” We place great faith in the initial phase of a relationship. That’s where we know we’ve found the “right one;” the “soul mate.” We then expect this magic to carry us on forever in marital bliss.

It won’t happen. There are always problems and the test of a relationship is how you solve problems together. You know how you solve problems with your boyfriend. Do you know with the other guy? It’s possible. You do work together.

You say your relationship with your boyfriend is rocky. You’ve been having a hard time, even though there’s a lot you love about him. I hope you aren’t sacrificing yourself for those things. What do you fight about, and how do you resolve those fights? Are you comfortable fighting with him? Or do you dread it, fearing that each fight could be the last?

If you dread fights, then I’d say cut him loose. If you know that fights will end up with a resolution, then keep him.

Here’s another thing. Sometimes a guy might have his eye on someone else who is in a relationship. However, when he meets the guy she is currently involved with—if the guy seems nice enough—then the guy who wants to win her away may suddenly feel like he’s not so interested. On the other hand, if the new guy thinks the old one is a jerk, he may redouble his efforts.

In your situation, I wouldn’t trust my feelings. I’d probably be high because all these people want me. It would probably affect my relationship, and my guy would be wondering what was happening.

I have found that these feelings are fleeting. They may last only a month, or even a few months. If you do switch, there is a good chance the new guy is no different or ever worse than the old one. You never know. On the other hand, maybe both guys are wrong.

I would take inventory of everything I know about them. I would take inventory of my feelings about them. If the two match, great. Go with that guy. If not, flip a coin, or stay with the one you know.

truecomedian's avatar

For some reason Occams razor and your boyfriends balls come to mind. Bummer, he’s got a girl that has a wandering eye. You don’t have a lazy eye or anything cause I meant no offense. Sleep with both of them for as long as possible. No, kidding, tell your man about your feelings and be honest. Do it, yeah, do it, do that, that would be good.and yes I am on drugs

phil196662's avatar

Sometimes a rocky relationship is not healthy because the basic foundation in the two people is not sound, in this sense this very question comes up on here. Just because your with him for several years does not mean your getting along totally so here are some ideas.

Look at both of you and how you communicate, Argue or Compromise?

Show tardy for meetings

Give flowers

Get “Me” time together

Ok the other does these…

Makes you smile

Job Benefit- He’s there but keeps his professional there so either of you don’t get the boot!

Talked about future things you have not discussed with the other

You take lunch together and eat saving the kissing for home on the couch

You smile when he calls you at home and you meet to commute together!

***Just because you have been together Two Friggin years doesn’t mean you should stay together and suffer.

Here’s what you might consider;

Talk to your work buddy about the next step then talk to your home guy and explane that you are kinda tired of the angry dynamic and just want to make some changes, that it’s time to move on and find better compatibility with another person.

Get him to pack and be gone!

Don’t tell the work guy about this but take some time in your place to gather your thoughts and when it feels right- give the invite for work guy to have dinner and perhaps Make you a Pancake Breakfast!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I can’t give any more lurve for the questions @Trillian proposed you ask yourself about your bf. That is advice I know would have helped me in a particular relationship I wish I could’ve salvaged.

Lorenita's avatar

Thank you guys..I’m 26 yrs old by the way, and thsi is the second serious relationship I’ve had.

yeaiknow's avatar

im in this situation myself except im on the side of the other guy. you should choose the one that wants to always be with you. when you look in there eyes do you smile for no reason and feel your heart bursting through where you want to say something but all that comes out is a smile. if you picture yourself with one of these guys which one do you see yourself with in a month, year, severals. life is long and short so make all the short moments last forever.

kecorbin's avatar

You need to decide which one is best for you, and which one you have bigger feelings for. Which one will treat you better? Which one will you be happiest with? It is hard to separate yourself from your feelings during these situations but you must try. Make a list, if it will help; one vs the other. Positive vs negative. The most important thing is at the end of this you do not regret. Don’t hold on to someone just because you are afraid of change, especially if you are not 100% satisfied. you will regret that. (From experience). But on the other hand don’t rashly break it off if you may regret it later. I hope you work it out. :)

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