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ducky_dnl's avatar

Did I overreact or not enough?

Asked by ducky_dnl (5378points) August 24th, 2010

I was with my boyfriend and his friends today. We were all having a great time until one of his buddies had to make a very sick joke about car accidents. I simply voiced that I had lost a friend that way and they shouldn’t make fun of it because they don’t know how it hurts other people. His friend then decided to lay on the ground and make a disgusting sound mimicking the sound of something getting run over by a car. He then asked me “do you think it sounded like that?” and started laughing. The worst thing was that my boyfriend was laughing as well. I simply stayed quiet trying to keep myself from crying and going off on that guy. They continued making fun of car accidents and at one point they brought my friends name into a joke. My boyfriends friend was asking me what my friends name was, and my boyfriend told him. Then he got his other friend to pretend to be my friend who died. I literally wanted to kill him at this point. I was so shocked by the whole thing. My heart dropped into my chest and I wanted to cuss and scream and just go off. I didn’t though. What would you have done? How should I address my boyfriend for what he’s done?

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32 Answers

marinelife's avatar

Wait until you are not quite as upset about it. Sit down and have a serious discussion with your boyfriend.

Tell him that you are really disappointed that he not only didn’t support you, but that he participated.

Try to liken it to some experience in his life. Has anyone in his circle died or his family? Ask him how he would have felt if the guys had been making fun of that.

Then you need to seriously think about whether you want to be with this guy. He’s a little low on the maturity scale.

shadowofdeath's avatar

honestly what he did was cruel and you definitely give him some words on it. but relax and wait till your calm(er). going off on him will solve nothing

jabobo_11's avatar

I would have went off!
That is not something you joke about, ESPECIALLY if someone that has been through it or was close to someone that has.

But you should really talk to your boyfriend about this and tell him to pass it on to his immature friends.

OpryLeigh's avatar

I don’t think you overreacted to this at all. Your friends and boyfriend seriously disrespected your feelings there and I think you need to discuss this with your boyfriend. Be honest with him about how it made you feel.

Austinlad's avatar

Sounds like your BF was showing off to his friends at your expense and, not to defend him, got in too deep to stop. I don’t think you could have done anything more at the time. A serious one-on-one talk is now in order.

josie's avatar

Usually guys stop doing stuff like that at around age 22 or so. Be patient. If they are older than that, I have no good advice.

Blackberry's avatar

What are those guys? Like 12? If it continues after talking to him then I would consider getting new friends.

ducky_dnl's avatar

@Blackberry My boyfriend is 19. His friends are 19–23. :/

chyna's avatar

I would’ve walked away from the situation after you noticed it was continuing after you spoke up. But since you didn’t I would make sure the boyfriend knows exactly how you felt about how they acted and why. If he isn’t sympathetic with your feelings on this, you may want to rethink your relationship with this immature clod.

keobooks's avatar

One of my best friends was killed in a car accident almost 20 years ago, and I think my heart still would have briefly stopped if someone said something so crass. Of course, I’m almost 40 now and the idea of 40 year old men being so immature is a whole different story. If someone my age said something like that, I’d consider their mental health to be in tatters.

Teenage boys and guys in their early 20s can be really annoyingly clueless. I don’t think you overreacted. I don’t think I could date someone so insensitive.

rebbel's avatar

I think we all (most of us?) make jokes sometimes about the harshest things, that’s okay, i believe.
And sometimes we do so and end up in an awkward situation because somebody listening to it has had a similar thing happen (similar to the subject of the joke).
What the guy telling the joke should have done was apologize to you, that he felt sorry that you had to go through such ordeal and leave it to that.
What he and his pals and your boyfriend did now was very rude and crude and your feeling that day was totally understandable and legit.
@marinelife‘s suggestion seems to me a good one.
Note: your boyfriend could have felt he was in a awkward situation himself, torn between you and his pals, he wanted (hopefully) to support you but also didn’t want to be seen a ‘sissy’ by his friends for not joining in the ‘fun’. I could be wrong about the latter, though.

That0neguy01's avatar

I totally agree with @rebbel . couldnt have said it any better myself. we’ve all been there on time or another. people make mistakes. and he coulda been stuck in that position between keeping his friends and you. even if it was a terrible thing to do, id at least give him one more chance, and tell him how u felt about it

muppetish's avatar

This is almost too personal for me to post, but I need to share my experience.

When I was a sophomore in high school, an online friend of mine (who was my mentor in writing) was killed in a traffic collision on the freeway. The other four members of her family who were in the car with her (she was riding shotgun) sustained serious injuries. She was the first close friend I have ever lost. It still hurts.

During my senior year of high school, a group of nine students were involved in a car crash. It killed three students, put a friend of mine in a coma, and the others received injuries of varying degrees (not to mention the emotional turmoil everyone who knew them went through.) We had an assembly about drunk driving late in the year. People joked about the assembly—as crudely as you described in your post—and it was not remotely funny. I was flung into a two-week long depression. I couldn’t stop crying. Instead of standing by me, one friend told me to get over it.

In my experience, if someone does not empathize with your pain (even if you explain your situation and experience) then they are not worth your time. You did not overreact. You are not being too sensitive. Your boyfriend needs to realize this.

@marinelife was spot on. That’s the advice I would have wanted when I was in high school.

mrentropy's avatar

You guys are a lot more forgiving than I am. What the friends did was stupid, immature, and crass.

What they boyfriend did was unconscionable. He should have been a man about it. Maybe he could not have stopped his friend from acting like an ass, but he sure as hell didn’t have to jump in and join him.

I’m with @marinelife, too, although my decision to stay with him wouldn’t take long to reach.

Cruiser's avatar

I’d be a bit perturbed at the BF for not sticking up for you or at the least telling his buds enough was enough already. Next time a swift kick in the nuts should get his attention to tell tell his friends to cool it. Other than that not a whole heck of a lot you can do for morons like this dude other than to rearrange his equipment too but doing so IMO would be more trouble than he was worth.

NaturallyMe's avatar

I agree with some of the things above. Sometimes people do make jokes about things and that’s fine – one can’t always tell whether someone in the group has had a personal bad experience about it. However once they find out that you’ve had a bad experience on that topic, they should stop joking about it immediately, it’s very insensitive to ignore your experiences.
I’d also have a serious talk with the boyfriend and tell him how it affected you, and then see his reaction to what you just told him. If he seems genuinely sorry, give him another chance, otherwise i’d choose to just not be with him anymore because he obviously doesn’t care about your feelings.

le_inferno's avatar

@ducky_dnl WOW. These boys are 19–23? Here I was expecting you to say they were 15–17. They are adults, and that behavior is absolutely unacceptable. The way they acted was totally insensitive and childish. I would be furious if my boyfriend did not rebuke them, and even more furious if he encouraged their idiocy. This would be a total deal-breaker for me. I have no tolerance for that kind of ignorance.

Disc2021's avatar

Very insensitive. Wow.

Now, there are times when I make jokes with close friends about—maybe not this kind of stuff but other things that may or may not be insensitive. If I think I’d be pushing anyone’s buttons by making these kinds of jokes, I keep them to myself. In the event that I would offend someone similarly to your situation, I’d apologize and change the subject. What happened here (whether or not you were taking things too seriously isn’t the point) was just cruel.

I think your boyfriend may have been placed in a challenging position and therefore acted the way he did. Still, I think he had a number of mature, acceptable ways of dealing with it under the table and he simply chose to do nothing (for you? unbelievable). I’d definitely talk with him about it.

Ivan's avatar

You’ve been dating this guy for like a day. How many douchebag things does he have to do before you leave him?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Under 18yr old = typical but still idiot move, ditch the bf.
Over 18yrs old = inexcusable idiot move, ditch the bf.

Steve_A's avatar

If he is this immature I would worry about when you talk to him seriously about an issue that matters to you, how he will react.

I’d say if you get into argument about it or he considers you “whiny” because of that, dump him ASAP.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I agree with @mrentropy.
I would not want to know him any longer

BarnacleBill's avatar

I agree that the boyfriend needs to hit the road, for three reasons. The first is having a sophomoric sense of humor. The second is siding with his friends over you. The third is being insensitive to your feelings; he knew you had a friend die in a car accident. The second and third are real deal breakers—he had the opportunity to choose, and he didn’t choose you. That should have been a no-brainer.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

No, you didn’t overreact – they were being idiots and your boyfriend doubly so. I’d walk out.

Trillian's avatar

Insensetive and immature. You may want to rethink whether this is bf material. Right now I guess if he were to choose between you and his friends, the friends are more important. Maybe he’ll grow out of it, and maybe he’ll continue to be insensetive and immature and your feelings and possibly other things will be put at risk.

kenmc's avatar

Sounds like a winner!~

You didn’t react at all. From your description it sounds like you had every right to flip a fuckin’ lid. Don’t take shit that severe. You don’t deserve that. No one does.

ashsaintsfan's avatar

dude im sorry all this advice is good but i wouldve beat the shit out of his friends and then castrated the boyfriend. that was totally uncalled for.

Frenchfry's avatar

No you were not over reacting. Those boys need to be slapped, and your boyfriend. I would of walked off and went home and gave them all the silent treatment. Find better friends.

free_fallin's avatar

It sounds like this guy and his friends were complete assholes. Without being there I can’t judge them too much because I don’t know the entire situation. I will say that people are guilty of going with the flow when around their friends so he may have just been reacting because he wanted to retain his reputation with his friends. It’s no excuse but I am playing devil’s advocate. I think it would be hasty to end things with him. You should tell him exactly how you feel and see what he says. If he remains an asshole, then get rid of him.

shelley's avatar

I think your boyfriend is pathetic for laughing along, the manly thing would be to tell them enough’s enough. As for the guy who made the joke, he’s a jerk and I would not acknowldge him in the future unless of course he sincerely apologises and admits he was a massive wanker. You already told him it offends and upsets you so no need to say it again, when you see him from now on, just dont even look in his direction… because he is nothing to you. I would warn your boyfriend he needs to be a man, otherwise you’ll go find a real one.

shoebox's avatar

I would dump your boyfriend and act as mad as you want towards this guy..just be serious and let him know mocking such a situation is disgraceful… he has no respect… and neither does your boyfriend…. why hang with these people? thats just wrong.
Some one who does that and your boyfriend are really perverted and rude. no respect whatsoever! go find yourself some one worth your time.

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