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Disc2021's avatar

Should I be upset/concerned about this or am I overreacting?

Asked by Disc2021 (4488points) September 11th, 2010

It was birthday yesterday. I went out with a few friends, including a guy that I was interested in. Mind you, all of the friends knew this and the guy I was interested in probably knew this as well as we’ve been seeing each other for awhile. Anyway, towards the end of the night, one of my ‘friends’ (which we’ll call “Friend”) started making direct, obvious advances towards this guy (which we’ll call Guy). This irritated not only me, but most of the people I came with seemed to be irritated by this and wanted to leave almost immediately (which we did) and I haven’t heard of either of them since – which I think I’m pretty much done with both of them.

Although there were no established lines or statuses between me and Guy and I reserve anyone the right to hook up with virtually anyone they want, I just think that this was a very untimely, tasteless, inappropriate and low thing for not only Friend but Guy to execute on my birthday (and my other friends agreed). Am I being unreasonable? Should I just let “bygones be bygones” and pretend nothing ever happened or is this a lesson learned, that I should choose my friends a little more carefully?

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24 Answers

AmWiser's avatar

You kinda answered your own question when you wrote ‘I reserve anyone the right to hook up with virtually anyone they want’..... Guy must have already understood your position on life and took heed. So maybe you should let by gones be by gones.

Blackberry's avatar

There’s an unwritten code that is usually proper to follow where you don’t make a move on someone you know your friend likes. Your friend could have waited to see if it would even work out, but yeah I also agree if you weren’t dating it’s free game.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

They are both jackasses.

MrItty's avatar

you’re being unreasonable. If you’re not actually with the guy, you have no claims to him. You’ve been “interested” in him for a while, but haven’t done anything about it? He’s fair game, and your Friend was perfectly within her rights to assume that you weren’t going to do anything about it.

MrItty's avatar

The lesson isn’t that you should choose your friends more carefully. The lesson is that if you like a guy and want to start something with him, don’t be a pansy about it – DO IT.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Both “Friend” and “Guy” were being inconsiderate in the extreme. I think you are right in not wanting anything else to do with either of them.

marinelife's avatar

Your “friend” and I use the word loosely was certainly out of bounds to make a move for the guy you were interested in on your birthday right in front of you.

The Guy has no such obligations, but it sure doesn’t bode well for trying to have something going with him.

I would drop both of them.

Cruiser's avatar

I say that although it sucks what your friends did, the laws of attraction are at play and your friends apparently had it going and my guess this has been brewing for a time. Lick your wounds and hold your head up high especially around your tacky friends.

llewis's avatar

You said you’ve been seeing Guy for a while, and that your other friends were aware of that. Friend is obviously not a good friend, so if I were you she would be “downgraded” to acquaintance. Guy is either not reliable, not really as interested as he seemed, or trying to play games on you, so maybe approach him with caution, too. The good news is – you gained important information and didn’t lose anything you actually had.

Aster's avatar

You can’t trust girlfriends with guys you like. That’s just the way it is if the guy is good looking. I wouldn’t drop her or anything but I would have lesser feelings for him and I’d keep looking.

deni's avatar

you aren’t overreacting. all signs point to Friend being a really SHITTY friend and Guy being not at all worth your time, and also shitty.

zenvelo's avatar

you say this happened at the end of the night. If you had not made it clear by then that you were focusing on Guy, both Guy and Friend may have just figured you weren’t all that interested. Were you planning on hooking up with Guy that night? Did you expect him to hang out just waiting to see if you took him home for the night?

When out with a group, and that special person is also along, you need to make your intention clear; how long was Guy supposed to wait to find out whether or not you were more than interested?

BarnacleBill's avatar

Unless he left with her, you don’t know that anything happened. It sounds like your interpretation of the relationship with the guy was different than his. You were interested, he was okay with hanging around until “something else” came along.

Friend is not friend, guy is not boyfriend.

Disc2021's avatar

@AmWiser @MrItty , You’re right, and I’m not trying to flip-flop and say one thing and mean another. However, I just think there is a certain amount of tact that could have been used by both of them – exchange numbers and get together later or some other time, not in the middle of the room on my birthday. I actually toned a lot of the story down, this “Friend” actually started putting me down and bringing up embarrassing situations I was involved in front of Guy, obviously for a particular reason. If that’s where the line of friendship is drawn, meaning, we’re friends up until it comes to some dude you’re interested in, it’s just not much of a friendship to me in the first place.

john65pennington's avatar

Each day is a learning lesson and you just had yours. this person could have waited for a more “opertune time” to hit on the other person, but maybe that was the intent of the situation in the first place. to make a statement? maybe. anyway, this was just another lesson in life that you have experienced. you have learned that some people are not what you thought they were. right? learn from this lesson… have just started in life. there will be more.

Disc2021's avatar

@zenvelo I was actually in the middle of trying to hold a private conversation with Guy when Friend came up and threw himself on Guy’s lap.

weeveeship's avatar

I think your friend might be doing this on purpose, as you mentioned that A) she knows you are interested in the guy and B) the advances were obvious and direct (presumably with you around to see it).

stardust's avatar

I think they were both inconsiderate. I don’t think your upset is an over-reaction. They don’t seem like genuine friends.

zenvelo's avatar

The added information means that “friend” was way out of line, and should be shunned. Given her sabotage, it’s up to you to decide to give Guy another chance or, if you feel he was too much of a jerk, write him off.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Though I agree they’re both free to pursue who they want, since both of them knew you kind of had a crush on “Guy” and so for them to hook up under you nose and at a gathering held specifically in your honor, that part was tasteless and inconsiderate. You’ll meet lots of people like that in your life but you don’t have to make them friends in order to be cordial acquaintances.

trailsillustrated's avatar

dear @Disc2021 I had a friend like this, we were best friends from childhood. This friend would behave exactly as you describe. I knew this friend for many years, and when we were much, much older, during my divorce, she kicked me in the teeth with a betrayal that took my breath away. just sayin

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

Disc….This “Friend” was not a friend. Her timing was tasteless and hurtful….especially if she knew how you felt. I am constantly amazed at how women will do this to other women. I don’t understand this. I never have.

Drop them both….you need true friendship not people like this.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

I say lesson learned. I’d be a little pissed about the situation also.

babymama's avatar

My advice is, stop worrying about how you ‘should’ be feeling, and figure out how you really feel about it. Then, take care of sorting out your emotional needs based on that.

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