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Supacase's avatar

Am I wrong to be upset/angry about this?

Asked by Supacase (14488 points ) November 23rd, 2010

My husband has been trying to get me to arrange for us to go out of town for a weekend since September. I finally worked everything out so that we would have the weekend after Thanksgiving, which is perfect b/c he has Friday off so it gives us a long weekend to boot.

Apparently his brother turning 30 trumps this. As of today, I have found out that we are going to dinner Friday night and then he is planning an out of town fishing trip for Saturday and Sunday.

Let me also mention that his brother is the type who floats in and out of our lives at his whim.

My husband said my attitude about this isn’t helping anything – just annoying him and pissing him off. I am angry and I am hurt.

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28 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Seems like (and it’s only what it seems like) that your partner is too cowardly to tell his brother that he and his wife have been planning something for a while and that that weekend is when it all came together. Ohoh, he should have been clear with you that that particular weekend is off limits for your plans.

iamthemob's avatar

Be angry and hurt. That’s fine. But you can find another weekend to go away – what if it was your birthday, and a significant one, and your sibling/mother/father/whatever decided to do something with their S/O that technically could be done anytime?

I agree that he should have told you that this particular weekend should have been off limits, like @Simone_De_Beauvoir said…but that’s an oversite that you can address with him after the fact.

Even if his brother is a floater – he’s a floater to you, and a brother to him. Don’t make him feel like he’s choosing family over family, that’s a lose/lose position – especially for the 30th birthday – that’s a big one.

If you drop it now, let him go, and wait to address him about it regarding the objective issues (lack of communication, etc.) You’ll get a better result, I’m sure.

Seaofclouds's avatar

Honestly, it sounds like a lapse in communication (from what you’ve written). It sounds like you both made plans without really discussing it with the other and without knowing what the other was planning. Did your husband know you were trying to get this specific weekend off? Did he know that you were most likely going to get it off or was it a long shot? Did he know you had the weekend off before he made plans with his brother?

I can totally understand being upset and it’s definitely something the two of you need to talk about and work out.

faye's avatar

I’d be upset. Wife trumps sometimes around brother everyday unless it’s illness. But make the best of it I guess. Get a friend and have a spa day with all the fixin’s while they are off fishing.

chyna's avatar

Pick another weekend. Even if the brother isn’t in your lives continuously, this is something your husband wants to do. Your being upset is understandable, but I would stop arguing with him about it. It will serve no purpose other than to make sure this is a rotten weekend for both of you. And if your husband did give in and go with you, would you two really have fun after this?

Supacase's avatar

I told him about this being the weekend we can go at least three weeks ago. I just heard about his plans tonight.

We can’t just do this any other time. I’ve been trying since September! Either he’s got a big project at work or we have no one to watch our daughter or any number of other things. I’ve planned around his dad’s birthday, our daughter’s birthday, my mom’s birthday, a trip to the hospital, the parade my daughter was in, etc. The difference is I knew about all of these things in advance. It is a hassle to get it all together and my mom won’t be willing to watch our daughter for a weekend again until after Christmas, I’m sure.

And, HE is the one who keeps hassling me to get this planned. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard, “Well, I keep trying to get you to go away for the weekend.”

trailsillustrated's avatar

I’d be very pissed. Not permanently, forever pissed but, but I’d do something with my own friends while he fishes and I’d tell him from now on, I’m not planning anything ever again. He can do it.

daytonamisticrip's avatar

You can’t be wrong about felling a feeling.
I would also be angry but try to see where he is coming from and understand his point of view and he’ll understand yours. Maybe try to compromise.

christos99's avatar

I admit the situation sucks, however, like you said – his brother is a floater so maybe your husband feels that this is a great opportunity to spend time with him. You have every right to be upset and feel hurt but compromise. I’m more than sure he is not a coward or intentionally trying to hurt you. Tell your husband during dinner on Friday not only does he owe you another weekend, but an additional weekend. Make it fun, find an opportunity, do we know if the weekend get-away was a surprise for your husband too from his brother? Is he going to catch up with childhood friends? Communicate with your husband in a positive manner and I’m sure everything will work out perfect… :-)

tinyfaery's avatar

I understand why you are pissed. He is picking his brother over you. He is reneging on plans he knew about three weeks in advance, and he is trying to make you feel bad for being hurt—which would piss me off even more than him flaking.

Go anyway, with a friend or relative, and tell him you are going to do it.

marinelife's avatar

Of course you have a right to be upset.

But I think that spending time with his brother is important to him. Probably more so because the brother is in and out of your lives.

Tell him when you are both calm and you are over the anger that you need his help to plan a getaway weekend. Ask him to look at his calendar and give you some possible weekends in January and February.

Then when you pick the weekend, ask him to write it on his calendar and consider it sacrosanct.

Supacase's avatar

Those of you who said he is eager to spend time with his brother while he is around are right. His brother lives near, but never has time for him. He has never chosen my husband over anything, or even been on time for anything they have done together. He was late to our wedding (he was best man). He uses my husband – I could give example after example – and I think that just pisses me off even more.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I am on your side. In my eyes then your husband should have given his brother a great big hug, said something like, Aw you know I love you man but the Mrs. and I have been planning an alone week for… like forever! We’ll have a toast in your honor, for sure.”

As to why you husband made plans on top of the ones he’d already made with you, his loving supportive life partner. Ahem. He probably feels he needs to take advantage of whatever time his fly-by-night type of brother has to share. Sounds like your husband is a good guy with a great big heart who has a hard time saying no.

I think your husband owes you a fabulous weekend away still and sooner than later. In my observations I’ve seen men take their wives for granted far too much as if seeing them everyday should be good enough without a treat now and then. Bah.

janedelila's avatar

@Neizvestnaya will you marry me?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@janedelila: Consider us fluther-civil-union-wed!

faye's avatar

@Neizvestnaya How perfect you said that!

jca's avatar

if i were you i would make my own little trip this weekend – just for one night. do the friday dinner with the brother, and then saturday go somewhere, with a girlfriend or to visit someone, and have a good time. when he complains to you at weekend’s end about his brother being late, whatever, just listen and don’t say a negative comment. let him choose another weekend, let him plan the next one. you said he has been trying to get you to arrange a weekend away, so i would tell him that you did arrange the weekend away, he chose not to go, and so next time the arranging is up to him to do. i think if you do this weekend away, it will help you get over the hurt and the anger. go and have a great time, and let the chips fall where they may.

Supacase's avatar

Thank you, everyone! All of the different opinions helped me think outside of my hurt and anger… eventually… without caving completely. We had a little spat, but it is all resolved. If he does go, I’m treating myself to a spectacular spa day (cheaper than his trip!) and if we go somewhere he has said he will call his brother and plan something for the two of them so we can skip the Friday night dinner.

faye's avatar

Yay, spa day!

snowberry's avatar

If you get upset, you feed his need to be self righteous about choosing his brother over you. This is unnecessary drama, and counter productive (I hate drama).

How about the next time he tries to get you to do all the work to set aside a weekend together, you hand him the phone numbers, and say, “I did all that once. It’s your turn this time. I’ll be looking forward to hearing what you come up with.” In case you have requirements (such as make sure someone takes care of the baby, the dog, AND the fish, you might have to give him that criteria to make sure all the bases are covered).

Kardamom's avatar

I miught be a little irritated, but that’s all. A 30th birthday is a milestone in a lot of people’s lives. Because the brother floats in and floats out, your hubby knows that he may not see this guy again any time soon (for whatever reason). Hubby is probably trying to make the most of his relationship with his brother because it sounds like it is very tentative, but your hubby probably loves him. He probably loves you too and wishes that you would understand and not make too big of a deal out of this. You’re right, it is a pain in the butt, but it doesn’t sound like hubby is trying to be mean to you, he’s just trying to be good to his brother on his 30th birthday, something that happens only once. Be sweet to hubby, try to plan another weekend and tell him that you love him and that you will have a fabulous time when you do go. The alternative is to be pissy and hold a grudge and give him grief. It’s too bad that he didn’t give you more warning, but men don’t think about these things as often as women. Just love him, reschedule and have a wonderful time whenever you do go.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Have you asked him to think about the message that passing up sex with you for fishing with his brother is sending you?

john65pennington's avatar

Apparently, your husband has forgotten that he married you, not his brother. your hubby also has forgotten that he has to deal with you, long after his brother is gone. if there is no compromise for you two, then pack a small bag and head to a casino and have some fun.

Sometimes, husbands get caught with their head up their ___and have to pay the price, later.

Seelix's avatar

I’m glad your hubby has been able to compromise, and that you have as well. I understand why you were angry; I would have been too! As I was reading the answers, I was going to suggest that you go to the Friday night dinner, then have a night away with hubby on Saturday.

Sometimes people see plans with their family as obligations, while plans with their SO are just something nice to do. My fiance has shown this a couple of times, but when we talked about it, I was able to get across my point that we are family too. We’re much better at working through things like this now.

Supacase's avatar

@Kardamom He said the same thing about it being the 30th. I said, “Really? What did you do for my 30th?” crickets :-) This was after we had calmed down, so it was all in fun, not accusatory.

snowberry's avatar

@Supacase Yeah, but that was a bit of a dig, actually. But you did have a point.

Kardamom's avatar

@Supacase Gee, I think I might be a little bit more mad at him than I thought in the first place. I figured he thought the 30th birthday itself was kind of important, but since he did nothing for you on yours, that makes me think he he’s kind of a big poopalotty.

So my next question is: does he have a tendency to bail out on other things that you want to do?

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