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jca's avatar

Do married men respect women who say "no thanks, you're married" more than they do women that would be willing to be "on the side?"?

Asked by jca (28222 points ) November 26th, 2010

No, I’m not considering dating a married man. I just thought of this question and figured I’d throw it out to Fluther.

Do married men have less respect for women that date them? Do married men respect women who say “no thanks, you’re married” more then they do women that would be willing to be “on the side?” Or are they just grateful to find a woman that is willing to see them and respect is not an issue?

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17 Answers

CyanoticWasp's avatar

It’s a confusing question. Married men who think about ‘respect’ in these terms aren’t trying to date women that they aren’t married to.

Zyx's avatar

Real men always consider some factor of respect, even if it’s having absolutely none it’s still completely volountary. Though it does depend on his views of marriage, whether or not he’ll consider the remark intelligent. And that in turn factors into how much respect he has for her. And it is a confusing question, like @CyanoticWasp said.

AmWiser's avatar

A married man is not showing respect to his wife when messing around, so why would one think he has respect for any other woman. (IMHO)

josie's avatar

If a married guy is on the hunt, then I suppose he will keep pitching until he scores. I don’t think he will be thinking about respect as much as he will be considering availability. The few married guys that I have known who had girls on the side were either losers or miserable in their marriage. In the first case, respect is clearly not a word they understood. And in the second case, they were evading the truth, which is they needed to get divorced. It is a character flaw in either case.
My parents knew a couple who broke up because the guy was having an affair. My dad made an interesting comment, “Why would a self respecting married man be interested in any women who was dumb enough to get involved with a married man?”. I was a kid when he said that, but it makes alot of sense now.

Blackberry's avatar

Unless the man actually ‘fell in love’ to the point where he was going leave his wife, I don’t think respect is something he’s thinking about.

marinelife's avatar

Married men who date other women while married have no respect for any woman.

MrItty's avatar

A married man isn’t looking for a woman to respect. He clearly doesn’t have respect for any woman to begin with. He’s looking for sex, nothing more.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I feel I’ve always been treated much better by married men who know I don’t mess around than how they treat single or willing-to-cheat women.

dkranzberg's avatar

@josie
Excellent post!

Kardamom's avatar

I don’t think respect has anything to do with what a married man is thinking when he’s considering cheating on his wife.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

It really depends on the man. I’ve been the ‘other woman’ and the ‘woman who said ‘no thanks’ – in some instances, there is no respect for themselves or for me and it’s obviously an affair; other times, things are more complicated. The latest in my life has been me doing ‘no, thanks you’re married’ kind of thing and yes, they respect me more for that but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

wundayatta's avatar

Without any data, we can say anything we want, and who knows if there’s any truth to it or not? I think there are a number of myths about married men who are looking.

The major myth is that they only want sex. I suppose some only want sex, but from what I’ve read, most are actually looking for someone who can understand them and who they can talk to. Often enough, they don’t want sex at all. Just love and connection that they don’t feel with their wives.

It follows from this that it is a myth that married men don’t respect the women they get into relationships with. Maybe some don’t, but my feeling is that most respect them very highly—precisely because the “other women” are giving them something they don’t get at home.

The other women aren’t such ne’er-do-wells, either. These couples often have conversations about what they are doing and what it means. Often times, the women are very concerned about the man’s family and wife and don’t want to come between them. Why get involved, then? Because, guess what? They actually like the guy. They don’t want to wreck his life. They have no desire to hurt his children. They just want a chance to spend some time with someone who cares about them.

Often, they come from a marriage where they aren’t getting what they want. If they are single, they haven’t found a guy who is any good. A married man can seem attractive, in part, because he is married. He is tested and proven. The woman may be very lonely, and may have a boyfriend or two, or maybe none, but whatever the case, she isn’t getting what she wants, and the married man provides that, and not only that, but he respects her. Especially if she is concerned with his life and his wife and his children.

It may seem odd, but this gives her a kind of integrity. I’m sure there are married men who would never get involved with someone who didn’t place his family above their relationship. In fact, he’d be stupid to get involved with someone who didn’t care about his family, because she might blow up the whole thing.

People hear about cheating and they figure the cheaters are pretty much scum with no morals. I think the folks who do this do have morals, but often feel trapped by any number of circumstances and psychological circumstances, and they do this because they want some measure of happiness that they aren’t getting at home, and they are unwilling to leave their families.

I think the married men who get involved with women respect those who are concerned about his family much more than they respect those who don’t give a shit. Both will get involved. Some, odd as it may seem, do it with integrity.

MagicalMystery's avatar

About 15 years ago I had an affair with a married man. It lasted about 3 years on and off. I was in a relationship that was going nowhere, and then I met this guy and was attracted to him. I dropped some hints, and we started seeing each other. He had 3 children, a house, a wife with a good job. I told him I did not want to cause trouble. I was not out to take him away from his wife, I wanted some companionship and sex and that’s probably what he wanted, too. We stopped seeing each other because I needed to see someone more than once every month or two in order to feel close to them. I saw him now and then until about 4 years ago. I still talk to him on the phone occasionally, he calls to say hello.

GingerMinx's avatar

Who cares if some guy who is willing to cheat on his wife respects you? He isn’t respect-worthy himself.

MrsDufresne's avatar

It depends on the man.

Usually, people respect people when they have the courage to be honest.

So if a woman tells a man she’s married, and decides to sleep with him anyway, the lack of respect could occur, because the woman is willing to deceive her spouse.

If the relationship continues over time, he may end up thinking, that she might deceive him one day too.

YARNLADY's avatar

There is at least on fellow jelly who dated while married, and is now married to him. In my experience, this is very rare.

Men who date outside of their marriage would mostly fall into the category of disrespecting women.

captainsmooth's avatar

People that cheat on their spouses and their families don’t respect themselves, their spouses or their families.

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