Social Question

partyparty's avatar

Have you ever regretted losing a dear friend?

Asked by partyparty (9127 points ) January 28th, 2011

As we go through life, I suppose we have regrets about things that have happened. Under what circumstances did your friendship cease?
Did you feel responsible?
What are your regrets?
What would you do differently?

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36 Answers

seazen's avatar

GQ.

I do have a friend or two like that. I hate to think about it – it’s still painful. But kudos for the thought-provoking question.

Staalesen's avatar

I did… It was the classic story.. one of my best friend and me were in love with the same girl.. He “won”...
They blamed me with false accusation of me trying to break up their relationship..
kinda glad I did not, cause she turned out to be a real harpy.. Still, I miss the friendship we had.. He was kinda like a brother to me…
My regrets are more along the lines that I should have never let a girl come between our friendship… I did not feel responsible, but they tried har to make me feel that way..
Differently ? Well, gone to another pub the first time we met her I guess…

partyparty's avatar

@seazen Yes if they are a true friend it always hurts doesn’t it? Hope the question didn’t upset you :)
@Staalesen So sorry you were blamed

marinelife's avatar

I lost a good friend of more than 30 years standing. I am still not sure why, although I have theories. She wanted to move our friendship to an acquantainceship, but I couldn’t do that. It was too painful for me so I cut off all contact with her. The huge pain has died down now although I still think of her fairly often and regret the ending of the friendship.

@Staalesen Have they since broken up? Could you contact your friend and attempt to renew the friendship? Maybe he feels bad now too.

Staalesen's avatar

@marinelife Yes, they have, and I have tried to reach out a few times, over facebook and such, and thought we had a new start on our friendship before he suddently cut all contact again…..
@partparty: Thanks :)

AmWiser's avatar

I can’t say that have lost any dear friends only some folks I may have thought were friends. Personally, I refuse to dwell on the past and who or what might have been. I hope that doesn’t sound cold-hearted.:\

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I haven’t lost a dear friend yet.
There are people that I won’t talk to anymore and that is with good reason.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

The dear friends that I regret losing took their own lives. Yes, that is meant to be plural.
Do I feel responsible? Of course, at least in part.
My regrets? Not doing more to let these people know how much better my life was with them in it. If I had things to do over again, differently, I would do exactly that.

Cruiser's avatar

Only one and he died of brain cancer. I got really upset over that and took me a long time to let go of that anger I felt. I had another “friend” I thought was a dear friend until he got me in a ton of hot water with the Feds…I wanted to pummel him for that and would have a very hard time not doing so for what he did to me if I ever see him again. No regrets there!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Yeah, I regret losing them, but the one’s I have let go were for a reason.

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coffeenut's avatar

No regrets….When some bridges burn they can’t be rebuilt.

I’ve shed 9 good friends for various reasons…and a lot more general friends…

partyparty's avatar

@marinelife Yes I think we always remember and think ‘what if’ don’t we?
@AmWiser No it doesn’t sound cold hearted. Perhaps they weren’t really true friends :)
@lucillelucillelucille Do you have any regrets about
@TheOnlyNeffie That is so very, very sad. Thanks for sharing it :)))
@Cruiser Yes, I think the first reaction we have when we lost a true friend is anger, then lots of questions as to why.
@Adirondackwannabe Are you happy with your decisions? Do you still think about them?
@noelleptc No regrets?
@coffeenut Did you try to salvage the friendships?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@partyparty Can’t say I’m at all happy about it, but I think it was the best thing I could do for them.

Scooby's avatar

Not so much regret I don’t think is an appropriate word, well maybe… I mourned the loss of my best mate when he died. I regret that no one has taken his place or could take his place ( guy stuff ) in as much as how close two friends, two men can be having grown up as kids together, sharing the same memories & thoughts …. I regret there was nothing I could do to stop his passing, nothing at all.

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coffeenut's avatar

@partyparty The world contains something like 6,900,369,312 people says Google so ya burnt bridges don’t waste my time or energy….

Austinlad's avatar

I’ve told this story on Fluther before but it bears repeating. I had a co-worker years ago who was also a friend and lived in the same condo I did. We got into a work argument and stopped talking. For two days I wanted to break the break the ice and talk with him, but before I could, I got word suddenly that he had dived into the pool at our condo and died of a brain hemorrhage. Do I regret losing this friend? Yes—and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

aprilsimnel's avatar

I had a friend from high school/college whose life changed when she married, as it would. I think it’s wonderful that she found the guy for her and as far as I know, they have a child and live a contented life together.

She had come to visit me shortly after I turned 31 and chastised me during dinner as “immature” because I hadn’t gotten a “responsible” job, nor hit any of those markers of American adulthood as she had. Even her husband was appalled at her vehemence. I politely cut the outing short and we haven’t spoken since. I don’t know why she lashed at me in that way. I thought we were good friends. :(

partyparty's avatar

@Scooby There is such a gap when you lose a good friend isn’t there? So sorry for your loss :)
@Austinlad Oh my gosh that is so very, very sad!!
@aprilsimnel How very rude of her. Don’t think you need friends like that!

Ellis1919's avatar

Although sometimes I might miss a certain person, I choose to live my life without any regrets. I believe that everything (more or less) happens for a reason. Some people are meant to always be in our lives and others only for a brief time. That doesn’t mean I won’t try to keep a friend in my life. I’ve lost numerous friends over the years. I take responsibility for everything on my end and I would hope that they would do the same. For me, I know I need to be more open, stop pushing people away and try harder to keep the friendships going.

wundayatta's avatar

I’ve lost any number of friends in many different circumstances. Some were because of foolish moral stands I took. Some were because I became sick and could not maintain those relationships. Some because it was just too hard for me to get up the will to try to reach out to them. Life is hard enough at the moment. I need friends that are easy to maintain—friends who actually live in the area. Long distance friendships are too hard.

ducky_dnl's avatar

Only two. The first I’m sure everyone is familiar with (since I’ve asked so many questions about him). I regret a lot of things about that situation. The biggest one was not taking the chance to make myself happy, but I can say slowly each day I’m starting to dwell on it less. Is it wrong to say that I’m forgetting everything involved with him in general? I actually had freakout because I had a blank moment and couldn’t even think of his last name. My best guy friends last name! Yes, I feel slightly responsible. :/

The second is my opossum. That loss hurt the most actually. I still cry if I bring it up. I regret leaving home and not being able to see her one more time (she was buried before I got home). I feel very responsible for her death. I was like a mom to her. I was supposed to keep her safe and knowing that I didn’t come through was the biggest hurt. I wonder what she was thinking when she was dying. Was she thinking I abandoned her? That’s another thing that eats at me. Sylvia (my opossum) really helped me when I found her. I was happier then I had been in a while. I feel bad about it and I guess you can say I’m back in the somewhat “numb” phase because of this loss.

BarnacleBill's avatar

I lost a long-term friend because they introduced us to another couple who lived in their neighborhood, and I invited that couple over to dinner at our house without inviting my long-term friend. She saw it as a slight; I really just wanted to get to know the couple without having the whole conversation filtered through my friend, who has a strong personality. It was only one time, but it turned out to be 15 years before my friend spoke to me again. She would not accept an apology.

Bellatrix's avatar

I had a friend I met when I first started work in Australia. She is a beautiful, kind and compassionate person and I would count her as one of the best friends I have ever had. She moved to a city a few hundred miles away and soon after I separated from my now former husband and I went through a bit of an isolationist phase. I became quite introspective for a while. I needed to get my head straight and focus on my children and when she wrote to me at my former address and my ex passed the letter to me, I didn’t reply. Not because I didn’t care about her, but I was too wrapped up in my own existence. That letter had her new contact info on it and I lost it. I have searched Facebook and the like to see if I could find her, the telephone directory, etc. but to no avail. I would very much love to speak to my friend and apologise for not keeping in touch.

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

@Mz_Lizzy Hopefully someday you’ll be able to find her again, it sounds like a friendship that you’d really like to rekindle.

I had a really good friend back in middle and early high school. We did almost everything together. But then I introduced her to some guy I’d met at summer camp who needed friends… and it turned into more than that for them. She valued her new online relationship with this guy (who was a creep and a slob, actually) more than her long-standing friendship with me. On top of that, after a major sports-related injury to her leg she decided to start homeschooling. So we didn’t see each other much… over time we just grew apart. Last time I saw her, I was visiting her sister, and she barely spoke to me. I’m still friends with her on facebook, but essentially we don’t exist to each other anymore.

I don’t really regret losing the friendship exactly, since she didn’t turn out to be the best of friends. I regret not having the opportunity to talk to her about the things that caused us to move apart. We were so close, and our friendship just faded away into nothingness; there was no real closure. I like closure.

partyparty's avatar

@Ellis1919 Yes I suppose we are all guilty of not maintaining friendships, because we are too busy getting on with our own lives. Thanks for your honesty.
@wundayatta Yes long distance friendships can be difficult at times. I suppose I am fortunate as I have a long distance friendship, and know they will support me despite their distance.
@BarnacleBill That is so very sad. She really should have understood your reasons :)
@Mz_Lizzy I can see why this happened. There was too much going on in your own life to respond to her. Good luck in your search. I hope it works out for you.
@ParaParaYukiko Yes to have chatted and got closure would have been good. Thanks for your honest answer

BarnacleBill's avatar

@partyparty, yeah – when she last spoke to me before not speaking to me for 15 years, she said she felt like I excluded her because I thought they were intellectually superior to her in some way, and that I was being snobbish. As it turned out, the wife was a painter and shared studio space with a friend of mine. The husband was an accountant and very introverted. They were new in town, and knew no one but their neighbors out in the suburbs. They bought the house in that area on a recommendation from a realtor. I only asked them to dinner so I could get to know them, and they could feel like they knew people besides neighbors, who had common interests. I knew I would run into them at gallery openings. As it turns out, my friend made such a big thing out of the dinner that they felt they couldn’t talk to me when they ran into me; the husband sent me a note telling me that it wasn’t worth the neighborhood drama it created. They moved away about 18 months later.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Yes, my ex mother-in-law. She had been a mother to me since I was 19, before her son and I decided to even date or get married. One of her married daughters cheated on her husband who was one of my and my husband’s best friends- we kept our brother-in-law and shunned my husband’s sister. My mother-in-law never forgave me for not taking her daughter’s side and she also never forgave me when her son and I divorced.

partyparty's avatar

@Neizvestnaya That is such a shame. It would have been really lovely for you and her to have remained friends :-(

Bellatrix's avatar

Ty ParaParaYukiko – I certainly would and I hope I will find her again too.

Scooby's avatar

@partyparty

You can say that again :-/
“There is such a gap when you lose a good friend isn’t there”

It’s been almost twenty two years now since he died, at the age of twenty two…. :-/
He’s sorely missed….

FutureMemory's avatar

I haven’t seen her in 15 years, and it’s been 8 years since we last spoke on the phone – and I regret it every single day.

partyparty's avatar

@FutureMemory Oh that is so very sad. Did you break up amicably?

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