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WhiteWingDove's avatar

(NSFW) What funny phrase(s) have you heard that you try to use?

Asked by WhiteWingDove (388 points ) February 26th, 2012

First thanks to augustlan for a previous question that prompted this one.
Are there funny phrases you have heard from others that were so good you not only remembered but now sometimes appropriately use (and sometimes tell the story of where you got it?)

I’ll give my favorite examples.
From Texas (several people):
When eating something really spicy, I preface my comment by a quote from one friend by saying (in the right company) “That was so spicy it made me want to slap my grandma….”

When someone really takes to something fast, they are going at it ”...like a fat kid to cake!”

Heard a while back on Oprah, but I immediately understood the intensity; a relative was conveying the feelings for a person who had committed heinous acts on a family member: “I wouldn’t spit on xxx if xxx was on fire”.

The best came from Scotland. I worked with a delightful 50-ish Scottish lady back in the 1980’s. One day she was so frustrated at the incorrect way people were performing a task. She made the remark that “The next time I see them doing that, I’ll be coming in their ears!” . (Meaning she would lecture them sternly.) Well, the majority of ‘them’ were males, age 25–40.
Someone did explain how that could be construed differently. She laughed and blushed. The next time she walked through the work area, there was a gasp and the guys covered their ears. She was a good sport, for more than this everyone remembered her fondly!

I’d love to hear your experiences!

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33 Answers

Judi's avatar

The only one I can think of usually gets groans, but I think it’s cleaver. I don’t recall where I heard it but it was in the 60’s or early 70’s.
“You lie like a wall to wall carpet.”

ShanEnri's avatar

I have no idea where I got it from…but when frustrated or angry at someone “I’m gonna rip off your arms and beat you to death with them!”

bkcunningham's avatar

My mother-in-law used to have some good phrases. She would say, “The truth will stand when the world is on fire.” I use that one every now and again. When talking about some Gypsies we knew, she would say of the husband and wife, “He’d lie and she’d swear to it.” I got to use that one the other day talking about politics.

A popular saying where I was born and raised is, ‘He’s as dumb as a coal bucket.’ If you hadn’t seen someone in a long time, we say we hadn’t seen them in a coon’s age or a month of Sundays. My husband is from Northern New York and his famous saying about someone he considers worthless is, “He’s so lazy he wouldn’t get off his own balls if he was sitting on them.”

Keep_on_running's avatar

“I want you to take a step back… and literally fuck your own face!”

I’ve always wanted to use it…

Trillian's avatar

The short version that my dad used to say was to; “pound sand”. The long version was something he’d “trot out” (that was for you, @Augustlan !) on special occasions when he was sure of the attention of the person. He’d say “I want you to find a stump, a hammer, and a big pile of sand. Then you can turn yourself over the stump and pound all that sand up your a**.
I actually got to use the long version one time to the horrible woman who lived next door to me, once upon a time. But that’s another story.

cazzie's avatar

My Dad had some good ones.

‘Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the bottom.’

‘Everyone to their own taste, said the cow as she licked her nose.’

There is a guy on TV, I saw an interview with him, not the show. He was full of them and I only remember one.

‘Hotter than a billy goats butt in a field full of peppers.’

Bent's avatar

Like a pig on ice = very silly
Like a cat on the way to Hell = going very fast
Boiling like pea soup = talking incessantly

downtide's avatar

I love the word “gobsmacked” which is local to the north-west of England, and means “shocked”.

mazingerz88's avatar

I sometimes express my disappointment with a joke when a dear friend calls and needs my help for whatever reason, after failing to call just to say hi for months. I tell him, “Hey, thanks for always being there whenever you need me.” Lol.

ucme's avatar

“You’re as thick as a gurkha’s foreskin”
Used in reference to a person of limited intelligence.

filmfann's avatar

Just before I got married, I went to Arkansas and Tennessee to visit my Mothers family, whom I hadn’t met.
While I was there, and sitting at the dinner table, someone reached across the table to get a plate of something, and they said “Pardon my boarding house reach”. I loved the expression, and latched onto it.
3 years later, I met my wife’s mother for the first time. She was from Kentucky, and wasn’t sure about me til we sat at the table, and I reached for a plate, and said “Pardon my boarding house reach”. Well, she lit up with a smile. It was an expression she knew well, but hadn’t heard for many years. At that moment, I was okay in her book.

Dutchess_III's avatar

The ones we use originated with our kids when they were little.
“That makes me sad all day.”
“Oh! I like it that!”

Dutchess_III's avatar

Oh! Mom said her Dad, who was a Dutch immigrant, used to tell the kids, “I’m gonna lop ya on your dunderhadden!!”
My dad, who was from Texas, used to tell us “I should beat you s’verly ‘bout the head an shoulders!”

rebbel's avatar

“You’ve got a good heart….., it only should hang on your back so the dogs could eat it.”

dabbler's avatar

My dad used to say, “Rich or poor, it’s always nice to have (enough) money.”

AshLeigh's avatar

“You make me want to stick small furry creatures in a microwave.”
“I will slap a baby!”

Dutchess_III's avatar

Um…F a Duck and see what hatches….

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

“I’m gonna rip off your arms and beat you with the bloody things!”

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

“Fuck me running!” which means, “Dammit, I’m so fucked!”

“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!”

AshLeigh's avatar

“Fuck me sideways” which means “I’m screwed…”

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

“I’m gonna rip out your eyes and piss in your dead skull. You fucked with the wrong marine!” I’ve always wanted to use that one…

Dutchess_III's avatar

“You’re short, your belly button sticks out and you’re a terrible burden on your mother.” My son came up with that one. Have no idea where he got it!

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@Dutchess_III That’s a quote from Bill Murray in Ghostbusters 2. =0) Fast forward to 1:45.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I…had a feeling it was a quote from somewhere! : ) He does a lot of Monty Python too.

deni's avatar

He’s about as welcome as a turd in a swimming pool.

deni's avatar

@AshLeigh I will slap a baby! Hhahahahahah thats great. Totally gonna use it.

AshLeigh's avatar

@deni, do it. :) It cracks me up. Haha.

Ponderer983's avatar

“Shit or get off the pot” – Courtesy of my Dad.
“Trying to fit 10lbs of shit in a 5lb bag” – Courtesy of my History of Illustration Professor.

Ponderer983's avatar

OH! and “Happiness is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.” That was some movie I think.

Mat74UK's avatar

When a guy in the pub likes something and goes at it, he says “I was like a tramp on chips”.

I noticed I’ve been saying a phrase lately and I don’t know where I’ve got it. When I’ve been disagreeing with someone I’ve blurted out “you’re having a giraffe aren’t you”. Meaning “You are joking right”.

Bent's avatar

@Mat74UK the “giraffe” is cockney rhyming slang for “laugh”

Mat74UK's avatar

@Bent – yeah “I aint two short planks mate”, it’s just I’m from up north and don’t know where I got it from.

tacres's avatar

O where does one begin. ” Hiram you’re headed for the rhubarb”, Hell , west & crooked, Its just a curse left over from Egypt,

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