Social Question

mowens's avatar

Gay dating... myth?

Asked by mowens (8307 points ) July 25th, 2012

A problem I often run into, being a gay male who normally strikes up conversation with strangers to get dates… is that when I ask someone to get coffee, they don’t always think it is a date. 8 out of 10 times they do, but those others really bother me. A one on one meeting with someone I barely know whos sexual orientation lines up with my interests, to me is automatically a date. Upon setting it up, I even usually jokingly say “it’s a date!” I do this to try to cement the idea in their head that my intentions are to eventually get to know them well enough to ask them to dinner, and then maybe something more intimate. Why are they surprised? And if they aren’t interested why do they keep coming back?

Example:

A guy I went on 5 or 6 dates with in the beginning of this year. We went to grab beers, I paid. Me paying means, in my head, I enjoy the time I am having in a “I am interested in you” kind of way. We then went to dinner, I paid again, also, in my mind letting him know I am interested. At thee nd of the second date, we made out. To me… that means HE is interested. This repeats until the 5th or 6th date, when I finally ask him if he would like to go out with me. His response was, oh I thought we were just going out as friends.

I was shocked and said, I barely have enough time for my friends as it is… I was really looking for a partner. I cannot dedicate enough time to a new friend.

He just left, and he still contacts me ALL the time. Ordinarily I would chalk this up to him being weird, but this kind of thing ALWAYS happens. How can I be more clear of my intentions? Can anyone else see why I would be frustrated?

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20 Answers

marinelife's avatar

Since it only happens 2 out of 10 times, I would chalk it up to the other person. I think that you have made your intentions very clear.

Relax, shrug your shoulders and move on.

tedd's avatar

Don’t say “it’s a date” as a joke, say it with a serious tone.

I’ve had this problem with women (or at least I did until I wised up to it). Showing your intentions only works to a point, eventually you have to make them factually vocalized and clearly known. The means by which you do that, be it stating it or physically acting on it, is up to you… but sooner or later hints and suggestions are no longer adequate. (and in my experience that point is well before date 5 or 6…. like, date 2 at the latest)

athenasgriffin's avatar

I think you need to spend more time figuring out what the people you date are looking for in a relationship earlier on. Figure out if they want commitment, etc. If they waffle around the issue or refuse to talk about it, move on.

As far as this particular issue goes, I have some female friends who take advantage of guys who will take them out on dates and buy them things that they want without solidifying that they are dating. They kind of subconsciously play dumb and act like they don’t understand the guys intentions so they aren’t in the wrong. Deep down they know that the guy doesn’t consider them just friends (as they forever insist they are), but they’ll never admit it. Stay away from people like this. My friends are lovely, sweet people, but they aren’t nice to date.

jerv's avatar

It’s the same for us straight people. Some of us heterosexuals have generous friends of the opposite sex who just hang out in a non-date setting. Orientation has nothing to do with it.

wundayatta's avatar

Get ready for platitudes.

People are weird. It hurts when people reject you. People give mixed signals. You can’t always get what you want.

Sorry. That’s the way life is for a lot of us. I’m sorry you’re having these troubles. I hope you find someone soon.

Trillian's avatar

Well, I never considered meeting for coffee to be a date. I’ve asked, and been asked by, both sexes to meet for coffee. Sex never crossed my mind.

bookish1's avatar

Do you not bring up relationship/dating type subjects after one or two dates? If not, how do you figure out if someone you ask out to coffee is already dating someone?

Also, my mind is boggling that this guy made out with you and then thought you were going out as friends… O_o I have no explanation for that !

mowens's avatar

@tedd I used to try earlier but I felt like it was being rushed and it seemed to scare people away. And at date 5 or 6 I feel like it is slow enough, we have always already kissed. (How is that not acting on it? People confuse me. I am an engineer. Give me the procedure please.

@wundayatta Oh I am far from hurt, I dont care what people think of me that dont want to hang out with me. But, my definition of a stupid person is someone who does the same thing every time and expects different results. The first few times, I figured it was them. But after about 10 times of the same thing happening (probably more) I have to look inward. There has to be something I am doing wrong to make people decide they would rather be my friend than date me.

@Trillian Sex is never on my mind at the first time. But I have never asked a person to coffee that I just wanted to be friends with… usually we go drinking, or play video games, or do something else like that.

mowens's avatar

@bookish1 You and me both. It has happend a lot of times. And we usually have made out multiple times, so I dont think I am a bad kisser. I have asked my exes, and they dont think so… they are both honest to a fault… so I dont think they are trying to spare my feelings.

Also, I usually get that out in the first conversation… by actually asking if they are single. :)

bookish1's avatar

@mowens, Are you often trying to date people your age or younger? It might be that a good number of gay gays of that age are not looking for relationships, and would therefore be oblivious to what you think are clear signs that that is what you are looking for.

mowens's avatar

I do admittidly go more for the younger ones. (my last ex was 19 at the time, and I was 25. But I am 28 now, and I give anyone a chance. Most recently I went on a date with a 31 year old, and I liked him but he ended up being insane. (we went on about 5 dates before I realized it, and I cut that one off, but I told him what was up.

@athenasgriffin good info to have. and yes, I agree. That can happen. :)

bookish1's avatar

FWIW, I haven’t been with any guys my age or younger (<24) who were interested in and capable of a relationship… But I’m sure they’re out there!

mowens's avatar

@bookish1 I know I should. But I often dont find out their age till later, I walk up and ask them for their number. I tjust so happens I find more 21 year olds attractive than 31 year olds. :) I don’t do it intentionally. Plus…. I live in one of the largest college towns in the US…. it is very 19–22 year old heavy. So it could be more than just me. IT COULD BE STATISTICS! HAhahahaha.

But it is probably my weewees fault.

wundayatta's avatar

Are you doing something wrong? Are you somehow attracting men who…. who what? How would you describe this? It sounds a little like you think maybe they are seeing you as a kind of meal ticket, but when it comes time to put out, they are out of there. You feel not hurt but what? Used? Cheated? Misled? Stupid?

I suppose it could be your personality. People like you before they get to know more about you, but when they do find out enough about you, they think they are aren’t interested.

If this is the case, I would think that it might be related to how you find your guys. What is your selection criteria? How do you decide who to ask for coffee? I can’t tell from what you’ve written so far, but my impression is that you don’t know much about these guys, so maybe you are attracted to them based on physical characteristics?

If that’s the case, then that could be what is leading you astray so often. It’s a pretty random way to find people. You’re much less likely to find someone compatible that way. You may well have to date twenty guys before you meet someone even vaguely compatible.

I think people have a much better chance of meeting someone compatible if they do it while doing something they really are passionate about. I met my love partners caving (an outing club trip), writing, doing political work, dancing, and doing other things that mattered a lot to me. I never dated. We did the activity together, and then hung out after, and gradually moved into relationships.

In doing this, I narrowed the people I met quite considerably, but I made sure they already had a lot in common with me before we ever got to know each other. In most cases, it meant we already shared 75% of world and political views, which is very important to me. So that’s probably why that method worked for me. Anyway, I can’t tell for sure because you haven’t talked about your search methodology, but it could be that you are meeting the wrong people because you are looking in the wrong places.

bookish1's avatar

@mowens: Hmm yeah, if you’re hitting on 19–22 year old boy-men-people, I am inclined to think that statistics are working against you. And I’m seconding @wundayatta‘s thoughts up there; if you’re just hitting on cute young guys because they’re cute, and young well.. A lot of them are going to be flakes and/or completely inexperienced about how to engage in moving toward a real relationship!
Myself, I was so excited when I realized I didn’t have to date college students anymore haha

mowens's avatar

@bookish1 The guy I was talking about that was earlier this year… he is a 27 year old programmer.

bookish1's avatar

@mowens: Yowza, well that just sounds like an anomaly… To go on 5 or 6 one on one hangouts with another gay guy, make out with him even, and continue to think it was just a friendly hangout? I just don’t get that…

mowens's avatar

Gonna respond to everone else I missed, super busy today. :(

RandomMrAdam's avatar

@mowens – Regarding dating younger guys – I would have to @athenasgriffin when he suggests you find out early if they are looking for a relationship rather than free dinner and drinks. How old were you when you decided that you wanted a serious relationship? I do not know much about homosexual males other than a few that I know personally, but from what I’ve seen at bars/clubs – many of the younger ones are still new to it, and are living the night-life and aren’t looking to settle down anytime soon. This may just be my stereotypical view, but I would probably aim for the older and more mature/established singles out there as you will probably have better luck with that crowd.

mowens's avatar

got a great guy now. :) Been dating 7 months.

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