Could you say that passive-aggressive and sarcasm are the same?

I think you’re exactly right. They are both unattractive traits. Whole groups in society may communicate with sarcasm, each trying to one-do the other. They pass it of as humor.
Passive-aggression is hard to cope with because, if you try to confront it, the person who uses it, will deny it or not see it. Passive-aggressive people may not be at all aware that what they are doing is aggressive. They make excuses for their behavior.

They can overlap, but they aren’t the same thing. You can be passive-aggressive without being sarcastic, and you can be sarcastic without being passive-aggressive. Sarcasm is often more of a stylistic choice about how to phrase things and how to make a point than about backing away from direct confrontation. Passive-aggressive behavior is about making sure that you get to poke, but they can’t poke you back, and the exact opposite of direct confrontation.

Aside from the fact that both are behaviors, and both make enemies, I see no real similarity between the two. I mean, is purple the same as corduroy?

I think that there are many acts that can be seen as passive aggressive behavior, and sarcasm can be one of them. I think it would be considered passive agressive if the sarcasm is very subtle and not obviously snarky, but continues simply to annoy the other person, rather than just telling the other person what the real problem is. Sarcasm can also be passive aggressive when it’s kind of subtle, but the person making the remarks is constantly trying to make it seem like the situation isn’t particularly bad or that they’re just trying to be polite by pointing out something to the other person, even when it is clearly sarcastic. The real problem might be that they don’t like the other person, or they think the other person is stupid, or they think that the other person is just wrong (most of the time) or they just don’t have much care for the other person, like they just think the other person has little importance to them, but they don’t want to get into that kind of a conversation withe the other person, because it might deteriorate into something really ugly.

Generally, I think passive aggressive behavior involves saying one thing to a person, to appease them temporarily, whilst never meaning to do what one says.

Another example is withholding affection, on purpose, when you know your SO, spouse or whomever, really wants/needs it, because one is lazy, trying to teach the other person “a lesson” or doesn’t feel the same degree of emotional attachment, but doesn’t have the decency to tell the other person that they’re “Just not that into you.”

Another example is when someone asks another person to do something, like a mother asking a teenager to take out the trash, or a wife asking her husband to please pick up after himself, or a friend asking to make plans with another friend, and the people being asked, keep saying that they will do it, but then they never do.

Another example is when one person has asked another person to stop doing something that they find annoying or offensive or something that makes more work for the first person, but then the second person says OK, but then they keep on doing it, but then try to suggest that they aren’t doing it.

Another example when a perfectly able bodied person (not someone with a mental incapacity or memory problems) conveniently forgets things like schedules, birthdays, what the other person has said to them, to pick up something from the store, to start or complete a chore, simply because they don’t actually want to do the chore, but instead of telling the other person that they’re not going to do the action or follow the schedule, they just pretend that they forgot about it.

Another example is when one person regularly breaks “dates” (however you choose to define date) with the other person, but doesn’t give any good reason for why the date or activity needed to be cancelled other than giving some vague reason. Same thing with constantly taking phone calls whilst one is with another actual live person.

I think they’re different yeah. Not entirely sure how, but as you say, sarcasm is direct, I mean, even if it’s sarcasm. Passive aggression can lead into a lot of things, like it being an ulterior motive for some emo like reason, or using it as a vessel for guilt trips…passive aggression is the coward’s way to say they’re pissed off. I mean just come out, be a man and fuckin say it. Lol. As my good friend Michael Huntington says, when a tiger cleaves your face off, you pick that shit up, sew it back on and harden the fuck up.

All kidding aside they are different I would think. Passive aggression can go in many which ways, while sarcasm really can’t.

Obviously, this thread needs a good link to Passive-Aggressive Notes, where we can all see examples of passive-aggressive behavior, some of which is also sarcastic, and some of which isn’t. (And as a side note, often has a bizzaro comments section.)

I’m pretty damn sarcastic, although it’s most often aimed at myself or situations, rather than other people. But I don’t think I’m passive aggressive. So, to me at least, they are different.

I don’t think they’re the same thing, but I think they overlap.

You can say anything you want.

Let’s run the flag up the pole & see if the cat wants to lick it.

Passive aggression is a way of expressing anger or hostility indirectly through actions like “forgetting” to do something important (that you never really wanted to do) and then apologizing as if you mean it when you know you don’t. Breaking something or “borrowing” something and then not returning it, etc, etc, etc.

Passive aggression can be very difficult to deal with because the perpetrator of the passive aggression often denies any hostile or negative intent. They carry on a charade of innocence. They are very hard to pin down.. When you try to confront them on their behavior they act as if you are imagining ill intent where there is none. Many times when dealing with someone who is passive aggressive and very good at seeming innocent, you start to think you are paranoid and that you are imagining that they want to hurt you or try to express their anger indirectly.

People choose passive aggression when they are fearful of or unwilling to express anger directly.

Sarcasm is generally more upfront. In sarcasm you may say the opposite of what you mean but you expect the recipient to understand that you mean the opposite of what you’re actually saying. You expect them to understand because sarcasm is generally expressed with a contemptuous tone or an innocent tone with a contemptuous look. It’s really not hard to detect sarcasm. It’s indirect hostility but it’s not hidden hostility. It really doesn’t work as sarcasm if it’s hidden. The person it is directed at may not see the sarcasm though. I’ve had this happen to me at work when I said to a co worker who thinks that she’s very superior ” I would NEVER compare myself to YOU!” She actually said thank you. She felt like I was acknowledging her vast superiority when I was actually being sarcastic. So sarcasm is more direct than passive aggression in general, but then, if the person it’s directed at is clueless…..

Just wanted to add that in thinking about it more I feel like sarcasm is mainly verbal, whilst passive aggression is more action oriented. Obviously each could have elements of the other and this is just a generality.

Passive-agressive behavior is often linked to speech.

Mother; “Will you please take out the garbage?”

Teen-“OK. In a minute.”

Result. Garbage still sits in garage.

@gailcalled Yes, especially if that teen smirks and says it like this, “Tsch, yeah right, OK I will.” and then he still doesn’t do it. Then a half an hour later his Mom asks him to take out the garbage again, and then he laughs under his breath, rolls his eyes and says “OK! I will” and then he still doesn’t do it.

Not all sarcasm is passive agressive, but some cases of sarcasm definitely are.

@gailcalled Of course. The speech is in support of the deferring behavior. It is also in support of the play at innocence but it’s not directly confrontation in nature. It’s the behavior that’s hostile or malicious in intent.

Someone who is passive aggressive doesn’t want to own up to their hostility but a sarcastic person doesn’t care, they are willing to . Of course the way you are sarcastic and your tone and the perceptions of the person it’s addressed to will determine how direct you are being. I suippose the innocent act in sarcasm is when the person claims to be “just making a joke”. Then sarcasm is passive aggressive.

Sometimes I think passive aggressiveness is a way for a person to deal with those who are domineering or control freaks or bullies. The passive aggressive person attempts to maintain dignity and self directedness and avoid being manipulated by the more aggressive person. It can be a defensive more than an aggressive maneuver. Of course the better thing would be to assert oneself but out of fear or sense of powerlessness and weakness the person who engages in passive aggressive behavior wants to avoid direct confrontation. When a person has to deal with pushy bullying behavior in the workplace sometimes passive aggressiveness is the only way to avoid arguing all the time so you can just be left do your work in peace.

I might add that some people relish the idea of fighting things out, so they pick fights. With such people the best strategy is just not to engage.

I don’t believe sarcasm is always negative or hostile. I use it a lot. I just answered Duthchess’ question about the rabies shot, saying we all smelled delghtful after my dogs tangled with a skunk. How is that hostile?

@Adirondackwannabe: If he overheard the remark, the skunk might find it hostile.

@gailcalled There always has to be one wiseass. :) I hadn’t thought of his perspective.

@gailcalled Or, the skunk might think he did his job well.

Hmmm, maybe I have been off on my definition of passive aggressive behavior. In contrasting the two behaviors mentioned here I see sarcasm as an intentional act while I see passive aggressive as unintentional.
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My opinion of what passive aggressive behavior is that it is a weakness and flaw in a persons socialization skills. I see myself as passive aggressive as I don’t have a quick sense of finesse when dealing with situations where I am being taken advantage of or picked on. Growing up in a big family it was drilled in to keep my emotions bottled and to myself. So when I get in situations where resentment or anger builds, I hide it until it grows to something too large to keep in and than I express it in all the wrong ways. The problem is exacerbated by the level of bottled up emotion not allowing clear thought. The end result, all too often, is, open mouth insert foot.
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Now to bring it back around to the contrast, the alternative to passive aggressive is having a quick wit with tact and skill, which I guess can be sarcasm. I see that as the difference between a dog barking as opposed to the dog just biting without warning.
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Now that I have said all that, let me say I don’t respect sarcasm as I see it as dealing with things indirectly rather than straight forward. I have no respect for people who insult others in remarks just sideways enough that they can’t be called on it.
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There are straight forward ways of dealing with other people and situation without going to either extremes and there are plenty of psychology books written on how to do it. Like the I statements “when you do——, I feel———, and it makes me want to” Some people come by skills like this naturally but others have to learn them. One of the books I’ve found helpful lately is “Dealing with Difficult People”.