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Crumpet's avatar

What's the best way to get over being dumped?

Asked by Crumpet (1785 points ) September 4th, 2012

I was with my girlfriend for 3 years, and we lived together whilst we were at college, and then for a few months afterwards.
Then completely out of the blue she dumped me.
The thing is, she would do anything for me and I always thought if the relationship was ever going to end it would be on my terms.

So I Have gone from being in a great loving relationship, to being made to pack my stuff and leave, she has not spoke to me since, and won’t answer if I message her on Facebook.

But the thing is, I just can’t get over her, and every day I see things what remind me of her.

I know I need to just toughen up and sort my life out, but I’m finding it quite hard to do, it all came as a shock.

Anyone been through similar experiences? And can offer me some advice.

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24 Answers

gailcalled's avatar

Everyone who has ever risked having a relationship has experienced the pain of being dumped. It is excruciating; time will take care of it.

Is part of your distress not having been the dumper rather than the dumped?

marinelife's avatar

Did you get an adequate explanation for the breakup? Did you get closure? You could ask her to meet you in a public place and answer your questions about the breakup. You can say that she owes you those answers.

Then listen carefully to what she says. Try to move on. If you start to think about her, substitute some awful memory of something she did. Like the harsh break up. Do that EVERY TIME she comes into your mind. No soft or good memories. Your mind will stop going to thoughts of her.

Then open yourself up to new experiences. Volunteer or join a meet-up group on a topic you are interested in (walking, dance, movies, etc.) Meet new people. Have fun without her.

blueiiznh's avatar

I am sorry you are going through this. Work your best to find a way to move past it otherwise it could consume you.
Accept that it just was not the right timing.

Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.
~Washington Irving

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken—and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.
~Margaret Mitchell

mazingerz88's avatar

I suggest checking out past threads which tackled the same question. Lots of helpful answers there too.

In my personal experience, the best way to get over it is first understanding and accepting the fact that it will take quite some time to get over it. Accept that and you are on your way to recovery. Time will pass and you will become less and less bitter. Creating distance in time and physical distance from her helped in the process in my case.

Always bear in mind, there is another attractive and desirable person out there looking out for someone like you.

Crumpet's avatar

Thank you all so far for the answers and kind responses. @marinelife I didn’t get an adequate response as to why, other than the fact that because we had both graduated and were moving in different career paths. But that’s not really a reason at all. So I have no closure.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Crumpet Ouch, that one’s going to hurt a lot. If there’s a reason and you can get some closure it makes it a little easier. Not a lot but a little. Some people say a cheap fling or getting drunk, but that never did anything for me and could hurt someone else as well. I find solace in really hard physical labor or a grueling workout. Something that takes no thought and gets the endorphins going. Takes my mind off things for a bit. Otherwise I dwell on it too much.

jca's avatar

I would be curious as to why, but that’s just me. I would want to know and would ask via email or letter. Even if it’s the reason would hurt, I would want to know, for myself. Not to beg, but just to know.

That said, I would keep busy with hobbies, friends, activities such as a book group, sports, whatever you like that will help you pass time and keep your mind off her.

Sunny2's avatar

“moving in different career paths” is a reason. She saw the next part of her life coming up and didn’t see it with you. The last 3 years were still fa ormative part of your life and she may have grown apart from you. There’s nothing wrong with you. To get over it, get busy. Get angry instead of hurt. Cry. Yell. Exercise vigorously. And let time pass. Find the strong person within yourself (there is one, isn’t there?) Don’t let her control your life!

jca's avatar

@Sunny2: “Moving in different career paths” would kind of annoy me, as a reason, because people have different careers and stay together! Maybe I’m a cynic…...Not saying it’s not the girlfriend’s right to do what she wants, break up with the OP if she wants, of course she can if she wants to, but if it were me, and I thought things were hunky-dory and then out of the blue I was given that as an excuse, it would baffle me and upset me.

tedd's avatar

This is my advice. Force yourself to “move on.” Go out on dates, go to bars with friends, have fun. Don’t wallow in your sadness over her throwing this on you all of a sudden.

One of two things will likely happen (and these have both been reinforced from my own experiences or those of close friends). You’ll find someone else you’d rather be with and forget about your X, or she’ll see that you’ve moved on and realize what a mistake she’s made, and come back to you.

Just don’t sit at home and wallow in sadness, regardless of what action you do take. That is literally the worst thing you can do.

janbb's avatar

I’ve been dumped twice in the last year and it hurts like hell. Some of the time I have to lie in bed and be sad, but I try not to make that too much of the time. Most of the time I keep myself busy with exercise, good friends and some new activities. It’s a cyclical process – something good happens and you feel better for a while, then something bad happens and rewounds you. But you gradually realize that you will survive this.

nebule's avatar

Yes, time is a healer but in the meantime, my old favourite is the couch, the duvet, the endless crying, watching good films and eating good meals with good wine, when you feel like you can push yourself to go out…do. Surround yourself with people who do love you. I have a lot of love to give today so if you need some, I can throw some your way. :-) You deserve to be loved and if she can’t see herself in your future I’m sure she’s making way for someone who can.

Closure is of course preferable but she might be protecting you from hurting you even more…I don’t know obviously and not knowing the reason can hurt more but it will get better…eventually…Je promis mon petit x Love and hugs x

Sunny2's avatar

@jca Of course! I’m not suggesting otherwise. There’s a saying, “Don’t get mad. get even.” I’m saying , “Don’t get sad; get mad!” (I don’t suggest vengeance.)

wundayatta's avatar

You can be curious about why, but in my experience, that’s a losing proposition. There never really is a good explanation. You’re just dragging it on by trying to ask her.

She actually did you a great favor by cutting it off the way she did. Believe me. Most women will drag it out and try to dump you nicely. There is no nice way. It’s better in the long run to do it fast and hard and with no explanation. You will get over it faster if she keeps refusing to have anything to do with you. Truly, she is brilliant! I wish she had dumped me instead of my college girlfriend. Oh man. There’s a horror story.

You must now grieve this relationship, and that will take time. How long? No one can tell you. It takes as long as it takes for you. But knowing you are grieving a loss can help. You will think about it all the time at first. Slowly, as the months pass, you will have more and more time free of thoughts of it.

Try to keep busy. Try to hang out with friends as much as possible. Being alone is when it is the hardest. Do not try to drink it away. That’s no good. It is best to feel it and feel it and then be done with it. If you want help, see a therapist. No shame in that. You should focus on rebuilding your new life. There is nothing to be gained by trying to fix the past, and little to be gained by trying to figure out what went wrong. You have to give up on that, I’m afraid. You can’t figure that out without her, and she isn’t going to participate if she’s wise.

I’m sorry. It’s tough. It’s tough love, in fact. But really, that’s the best way in the long run. It took me two years to get over a year and a half relationship. She kept visiting me for a kind of fwb thing for a while. That was so painful. I couldn’t say no, but she kept rebuilding my hopes. I guarantee you that a sudden, complete cutoff is far better.

Hang in there. It hurts like hell and will take a long time, but it will end.

Paradox25's avatar

I don’t recommend rebound dating because at this point your mindset is not in the right place to date, and this would not only be unfair to you, but to the other person as well. The only thing that I can say is to keep your mind occupied in the best way that you can, and let time do the healing. There are no easy answers here, and only time will help you. Give yourself a chance to heal before looking for another relationship again.

KNOWITALL's avatar

The easiest way to get over the old one is to move on to the next one. A one-night stand or two, or even the party scene/clubs can help a lot, basically keeping busy.

Cruiser's avatar

I had the near same exact thing happen to me with my college sweetheart. It was a toughie to get over. All the second guessing can consume you. I went out and bought me something special (a new guitar effects pedal) I had wanted for sometime but couldn’t really afford because I was spending my cash on our relationship. I then reminded myself I was a great guy and not just simply her reject boyfriend. Just move on and try as hard as it is to not look back.

Shippy's avatar

I would remind myself constantly, that I am still in love with an “idea” that the person I thought they were in reality does not exist.

snapdragon24's avatar

@Crumpet I am sorry to hear…I dont mean to insert this in your mind…but usually when one partner is able to leave the other without an explanation…more often there is a third person involved.

You could try meeting up with her and have a mature conversation…but if she is unwilling…then consider yourself lucky that you didn’t spend another three years with her. Maybe not knowing is better. But hey, do whatever feels right and what will make you happy!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Make a list of all the things that make you go soft for the memory of your relationship. Next, write down over and over again that the biggest reason people break off and won’t give an explanation is because they didn’t move on, they moved someone over while still with you. Let yourself be angry and then use that anger to get some stuff done you may have been putting off. Bucket lists are great for focus and planning.

Being dumped for whatever reason sucks and it can waste a lot of productive time, get greedy, get busy.

Crumpet's avatar

Thank you for all the answers. It’s nice to be offered some kind of support, even if it is from strangers on the Internet. I’m glad I stumbled by this site, and I will continue to contribute to it.
I’m starting an excersise and heathy eating routine, because I think if I start to look better, I will feel better, and develop a bit more confidence to get myself back out there.
I will also be taking some of your other suggestions into consideration, and maybe even the one night stand idea ;) although maybe not for a while yet!
As for the fact she may be seeing someone else… The thought of her with somebody else makes me feel sick, so I would rather not know about that.

Hopefully in a few months I’ll be feeling better, I just need to convince myself somehow that maybe it was for the best and that new doors will be opened for me.

Once again, thanks a lot guys!

augustlan's avatar

Welcome to Fluther, @Crumpet. I’m sorry this has happened to you. We’ve all been there, and know it’s a shitty place to be. If you need to, go ahead and have a good wallow. Throw yourself on the bed and cry your head off. Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward. Take good care of yourself!

zensky's avatar

Best way to get over someone is to get under someone.

nebule's avatar

@Crumpet Yes, welcome to Fluther! Please stick around, there are lots of people here that can offer you friendship and support during this hard time. Fluther is a wealth of love and if there one thing I’ve learnt, it is that when we are feeling low, connection to other humans can be very healing… even if that is over the internet..Indeed it can even be better for us sometimes, although we can’t physically connect, the power of words is profound xxx

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