Social Question

Moonaa's avatar

How do I deal with this "friend situation" with maturity?

Asked by Moonaa (134 points ) January 17th, 2013

I had a best friend last year.
We had everything in common. She wasn’t always my friend because I was the “new kid”, but within a week of knowing her she was already at my house every other weekend and we knew every detail about each others lives.

This year, there was another new girl. We accepted her into our group because we all had things in common.
Over time, this girl has taken my role as “best friend”. They act like sisters and they completely ignore me.

I’ll see them in the hall, and while just a week ago we would smile or acknowledge each other, she just walks by now. Both of them.

This girl has gotten her into drugs too. She smokes marijuana and I don’t know if cigarettes, but probably. God knows what else she’s done with this girl. She and the new girl have also been accepted into this gang of “bad girls”. They get into fights, have sex, do drugs, what have you. Whatever constitutes a “rebel child”, she’s become it.

It just bothers me that she’s treating me like a loser now.
Like because I’m not doing drugs and having sex or presenting myself with the stoner “chill” attitude and the slow, uneducated, hippie lingo.

They just act like sisters and I’m not part of it. I’ve known her for longer and we were great friends last year…now they act like I’m annoying.

I’m just not sure what to do or say about it. If I tell her I’m feeling left out, she’ll be offended and they’ll no doubt go behind my back and call me a needy loser.

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12 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Ah high school…(I hope anyway, maybe middle school?)...I’m sorry she’s dropped you for some new girl. Of course that hurts but you have to be the bigger and better person here and walk away. It’s clear your previous best friend is immature or she would value her friendships.

picante's avatar

Moonaa, welcome to Fluther! It does hurt so much to lose a best friend, but you’ll do best by forming a friendship with someone else who shares your interests. Your ex best friend has new interests that aren’t attractive to you. I applaud your maturity!

diavolobella's avatar

I would just walk away and let her go. She’s determined to go down this path and it’s unlikely anything you can say or do will change that. You, on the other hand, already show an incredible amount of maturity by recognizing that her behavior is self-destructive and stupid. You aren’t a follower, but unfortunately she is. I understand it hurts to lose a friend, but you will find someone with the same level of self-respect, intelligence and insight that you have who will be a better and more permanent friend.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@Moonaa You hurt. I am so sorry you’re having to go through that. In my opinion, you are a better person for seeking ideas on how to deal with a thorny issue. I think you should hold your head high and make new friends.

By asking this site about this issue, I think we can surmise you don’t wish to be a part of there new past times of fighting, drugs, and sex. The pressure to join groups is strong in school, and they have joined a group.

Are there other clubs you could join that would put you in a better position of making new friends?

Best of luck to you.

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

You’re absolutely not the loser in this triangle. The two girls who are taking drugs, smoking cigarettes, and getting into fights are the losers. But, rejection of any form is painful, and you feel like a loser because you’ve lost someone who’d been special to you.

There’s an ebb and flow to friendships at any age; people change, grow, and go in separate directions. This is especially true for teenagers, who mature and develop at very fast rates. You’re not the same person you were six months ago, and neither is your former friend.

You’ll feel less sad if you keep busy and meet some nice people. How about joining a school club or playing a sport?

chyna's avatar

This kind of stuff reminds me why I hated high school and I’m glad I’ll never have to go back. I know you don’t see it now, but this girl is not your friend and you are much better off not getting involved with the things this girl is into.
Look around for other girls with your interests and get to know them, maybe in different clubs or activities. There are girls that are feeling just as left out and lonely as you are feeling and would love to have friends. Seek them out.
Good luck and welcome to Fluther.

hearkat's avatar

I will admit that I was on both sides of those types of friendships when I was your age. I am an introverted person by nature, plus I was abused in childhood, so I had a lot of insecurity. I didn’t feel likable but I yearned for approval. I went along with whoever would give me the time of day during my adolescence.

I understand that it feels like a rejection, but I want you to realize that it isn’t personal… she is trying to figure out who she is, and where she fits in. She may have some need for attention, as many “bad girls” do. You can invite her to hang out one day, and maybe even express they you’re concerned for her, but be prepared that the chances that she’ll laugh or scoff at you are just as likely (if not more so) than her taking you up on your offer. It is probable that she is more concerned with being cool, than being safe or smart.

I suggest you look around for other friends… surely there are others who don’t follow the fast crowd, and choose to think independently. You may not ‘click’ with them as quickly as you did with her, but a part of that may have been due to neediness on her part. Eventually, I found myself with a bunch of kids that didn’t fall into categories – we referred to ourselves as the Misfits – and a few of us are still bffs to this day (next year will be 30 years since we graduated H.S.)

wundayatta's avatar

Everyone remembers the pain of high school. Makes me feel like it should be outlawed. But this is what happens when people are teenagers.

When you’re a teen, your friends have more of an influence over your life than they will at any other time. Friends are so important, that people do a lot of silly things to maintain friendships and loves. It can seem like if you don’t have enough friends, your life is over. So people drink and do drugs and have sex or wear some special kind of clothing or take risks all to be cool with the other teens they want to hang with.

The question to ask yourself is whether the things these girls are doing are the things you want to be doing. It doesn’t sound like it. It’s too late for your old best friend. She’s made her choice, and her choice was not your choice. I think you probably have already realized she isn’t your friend any more. You probably also know she will not be your friend again.

You will now have to find new friends. A new group of people who think you are cool. Find friends who think you are cool as you are. It’s not going to be easy, but it is better than trying to change yourself for someone else. Never try to change yourself for someone else—not for a friend, and not for a lover. Also, never expect anyone to change for you.

Instead, you should change for yourself, and right now, you must give up your expectations of your old friend. That won’t be happening. You’ll need to find other friends. I wish you the best of luck with that.

lightsourcetrickster's avatar

Simple solution. Walk away. People move on, either from learning from their own mistakes, or by watching other people make them. Some people can’t be helped, some can but choose not to accept the help, and there are those who just simply don’t want to know. They don’t want to know. Let them learn the hard way, because it will bite them in the ass – and trust me, it will.

Shippy's avatar

People who drugs, are losers.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Try not to let it bother you, and look around for some new friends. You don’t want any part of that crap, trust me. They’ll be getting in trouble, so if you just focus on your grades and school work, you’ll be one coming out ahead.

I know it sucks, and I know it hurts your feelings, but just know that they really are the losers.

Buttonstc's avatar

With “friends” like that you don’t enemies.

Good for you that you’re not so desperate for approval that you’ve sunk to their level. Don’t ever abandon your standards for yourself.

As you go through life there are many wonderful true friendships waiting for you with quality people.

One of the chief characteristics of a friend is loyalty. Obviously this girl doesn’t even know the meaning of the word. She’s extremely shallow and fickle and easily led by others influence. That’s NOT quality friend material.

At best she was a close acquaintance for awhile. A friend would stick by you.

Just move on and leave them out of your life. You really have totally different values from theirs and respect yourself enough not to get mixed up in promiscuity and drugs just to be “cool”.

They might consider you a loser but life itself regards you as a winner and it will be amply proven a few years down the road.

They’ll be saddled with an assortment of STDs, addictions, unwanted pregnancies, criminal records and such.

You’ll be well on your way to college and/or a successful career and life.

They are the kind of girls guys want to fool around with for quick easy sex. You’re the kind they want to eventually marry and be the Mother of their kids.

There are others in your school with the same standards as yours who have the courage to be their own person and live by their values.

Those will have far more potential for being loyal lifelong friends. Just keep an eye peeled for them when they cross your path and go find some friends worthy of investing your time and energy in.

This girl is a loser in more ways than one. If she no longer wants you, so what? Consider yourself fortunate they won’t be trying to drag you into a way of life that would bring you down.

You have standards for yourself that you refuse to compromise. Hold your head up high and be proud of yourself and confident

That quality alone will attract quality people to you and you’ll have friends worthy of your efforts.

You are obviously also a kind person. You were willing to reach out a hand of friendship to a new girl.

Unfortunately sometimes our kindness to others is not always reciprocated by them But most times it is, so don’t give up on being kind. Just leave the ungrateful ones in the dust and move on with your life in a positive direction.

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