General Question

Moonaa's avatar

Is there ever a logical reason to be rejected by a guy?

Asked by Moonaa (134 points ) January 22nd, 2013

I hate to ask something like this on Fluther. All of the questions are so interesting and I seem to always ask stupid questions about surviving high school.

But I literally have no one to talk to about it! Specifically right now, I have a guy that sort of rejected me…he said he wasn’t focused on girls at the moment but that he thinks I’m “cool”.

I’m looking for wisdom here.

And the wisdom I need is regarding this guy and many others before him.
They’ve all rejected me.

But I don’t see why. In my own self image, I think I’m mature and maybe smarter than average, I’m interesting in a way because I’m an artist, I’m friendly (I literally talk to anyone who talks to me as if they’re my best friend), and I don’t think physical appearance should matter, but my friends have encouraged me to apply to a modeling agency due to my height and apparently my “natural beauty”.

So what about that guy? We’re not great friends, but we know each other. I suggested we just be friends but he basically blew me off and changed the subject.

He knows I like him. A friend of mine told him and I apologized and confirmed it. And he just told me the same thing that he’s not “focusing on girls right now”.

I can respect that, but he doesn’t even want to talk to me. He has made no attempts and I’ve passed him in the hall and he doesn’t even look.

He’s not popular or cocky…he’s actually really shy and geeky.

So…I don’t know…should I try to talk to him and if so…about what? I don’t get to see him, we have no classes or lunch together.

Or should I forget about him? The thing is I’ve liked him for more than a year and from what I’ve heard from mutual friends and the few times I’ve spoken to him, we have a lot in common.

So why’s he rejecting me? If it was a matter of not knowing me well enough, why isn’t he trying to be my friend?

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27 Answers

tranquilsea's avatar

High school is a complicated relational mess. If you’ve approached him and he’s given his answer then you need to just let it drop lest you become a tad stalkerish. Try not to take it personally.

If you’re worried about how you may be coming across to others then you may want to try asking a good friend to be brutally honest with you. You may gather valuable information and then again you may not.

glacial's avatar

“They’ve all rejected me”

Try not to read to much into that. You’re still in high school; you’re surrounded by people who you haven’t chosen to spend your time with. As time goes on, you’ll find that you’re more and more in control of whose company you keep. It will get easier to find people who you want to choose and who want to choose you.

flo's avatar

He is just not into you, that is all. Nothing personal I’ m sure. It is not about how georgeous you are, or all the rest of it. It just has to click, don’t focus on it too much, you are still very young.

bookish1's avatar

Hey, no need to feel embarrassed.
He might sincerely be uninterested in dating right now, he might be gay, too shy/lacking self-confidence to take your interest seriously, or he might not be into you. Maybe you intimidate guys, if they sense you are smarter than they are. At any rate, it’s on them, and not you.

Bellatrix's avatar

“he’s actually really shy and geeky” perhaps he doesn’t know how to react? He also told you he wants to focus on school right now and that seems like a fair and reasonable thing to say. You can see it as ‘rejection’ or just that you haven’t met the right guy yet. Just go about doing your own thing and growing into a the beautiful young woman you will become and the rest will follow. Seems unlikely right now I know, but things will change when you leave school. I didn’t date anyone while I was at school. I had plenty of boyfriends after I left though. Give it time and don’t see it as you being ‘rejected’. There are a million reasons why people don’t connect.

Coloma's avatar

You are never “rejected”, you are only politely refused. There does not have to be a “logical” reason, someone either feels interested or they don’t, it is not “personal.”
Stop using the word rejection, it puts a negative spin on normal freedom to choose.
If I choose the apples over the bananas I am not rejecting the Bananas I am just not choosing them.

It seems you need to work a bit on your self esteem and confidence and learn to take being turned down a lot less personally.

marinelife's avatar

There is no way to know why he is rejecting you, but assume it’s about him and not you.

Time to move on. He has said how he feels; he doesn’t even want to be friends.

wundayatta's avatar

Why are you so focused on this one guy? Did you take it like this with every other guy who rejected you?

Are you sure that he understood what you were saying about him? I was a teenage boy once. I can tell you that most of us would not know a girl liked us unless she tripped us, tied us up, and screamed through a bullhorn that she wanted to go out on a date with us. The guys who date? They’re the popular ones. They’re the few who had the confidence to talk to girls. The rest of us are more tongue tied than calves at a rodeo.

Then he may really not be into you. That’s ok. Take no for an answer. You may be hot stuff, but that doesn’t mean every guy wants hot stuff. They may not even see it or understand it.

I’m sorry this is happening to you, but I’ll stack my record of rejections up against yours any day. I won’t tell you when I lost my virginity. Let’s just say it wasn’t until my third decade.

You gotta pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. That’s how it is in romance, especially. You will find someone. I’m sure you will. Just try to be patient. And don’t let this bother you. It’s really a small thing in the overall scheme of your life.

poisonedantidote's avatar

Sounds gay to me, I know I don’t have any information to go on, but “I’m not focusing on girls right now” sounds like one of the most gay things I can imagine.

Whenever I had to turn a girl down in high school, I just used to say I was already seeing someone or something along those lines.

Moonaa's avatar

Not every guy. I really only liked the other guys because of physical attraction.

I like this one because we have so much in common. Talking to him is literally like talking to myself and I don’t feel like I have to act “cool” around him. I can just be myself and he doesn’t care either way. And awhile ago he used to jokingly flirt with me and call me “sweetie”...now he doesn’t. He acts like he doesn’t even know who I am.

But I’ve liked him for almost a year and he never knew. I suffered through him dating two girls last year and so I thought maybe I should tell him I liked him.

It’s rough knowing I don’t stand a chance. That there’s someone he would prefer over me any day when I can’t find another guy that compares (at school, I’m sure I have many “crushes” to come, I’ve just never found a guy I could relate to on a personal level that is my age and being turned down sucks).

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

I am in agreement with the people saying “Gay” and “Too shy/insecure to take you seriously”.

You have a smart girl with model looks tell a guy with low self esteem she is into him, he is going to think it is some weird trick or you have really strange taste.

Ela's avatar

Hey! Welcome to flu-ther!

There could be as many reasons as there are stars in the sky. To me, it sounds like you are building a dream around this one guy. Not good, imo…
Once you find out that you have some things in common with someone that are either very important to or that you haven’t had with anyone before, it’s very easy to build them up in your mind and get tangled up in an image you create.
I suggest taking a step back, avoid him for awhile then take a good hard look at him. Ten to one, he’s not all you have made him out to be (in your mind).

[edited in] or maybe he’s just weird. boys are so weird sometimes! ; )

flo's avatar

Look at it this way, he is being direct and that is worth a lot. Appreciate him for that and keep yourself busy, off boys.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Logic and high school boys doesn’t really exist.

fremen_warrior's avatar

Maybe you’re just trying to be friendly somewhat too hard and come off as needy? Nobody likes that no matter what they might say. IMO you need to be happy with yourself before you look to other people to add to that. Relax, take it easy, and enjoy life (you’ve still got a huge part of it ahead of you). Who knows why anybody does anything in high school anyway? Whether you’ll end up with a guy or not does not matter, as long as you are happy to just be with yourself. I know this might sound like some “hippie bs”, but over time you’ll see it’s true ;-)

Pachy's avatar

Logic and Love (or lack of it) rarely go hand in hand, let alone heart and heart. Forget this one and keep your eyes open for the right guy. You’ll know him when you see him, and next time he’ll know you.

flo's avatar

Here is the book although I hope you don’t need it after reading all the above responses.
He Is Just Not That Into You

RandomGirl's avatar

Take it from a fellow high school girl: shy and geeky guys really do the whole “not focusing on girls right now” thing. Where you go from here is up to you. You have to make a decision: is this guy worth a little effort? Do you think he would make you happier than the other guys around you would? If the answer is yes, then put a little effort into it. Be friends. Talk. Have fun. Once you’re good friends, and especially if you think he might be developing feelings for you, lay your cards on the table. Tell him why you think he’s an awesome guy, and why you want to be a part of his life. “Shy and geeky” guys tend to want meaningful, lasting relationships. Show him how much you really care about him and that you’re committed to the relationship. And these guys can be sort of vulnerable; make sure you really mean what you tell him.

I should know – I’ve liked the same shy, geeky guy for over two years. He’s focusing on school right now. This fall, after we’d been good friends for about two years, when I knew he liked me a lot, I laid my cards on the table. I told him what a great guy he is, why I want to be a part of his life, and that I was willing to wait until this spring or summer (or whenever) to have a real relationship. He decided to wait. Right now, we’re just good friends. This spring, he’ll graduate and we’ll figure out where we’re going from here.

Am I setting myself up for disaster? Maybe. But I’ve decided that Jeff is worth the risk. It all comes down to whether you think he’s worth it or not. And, please, for your sake and his, be honest with yourself and him. Don’t play games. I’m sure he’s a very sweet guy; don’t hurt him.

skfinkel's avatar

Was it a movie I just saw about a boy talking about his high school days, and how there was a terrific girl who obviously liked him but he was completely petrified of talking to her? Or maybe a short story. Whichever, this sounds like a similar situation: this is about him, and not you.

If it were me, I might just try and be friends, in tiny increments, but try and find guys who are a bit older and not in the same place as this one. They are around.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Sweetie, maybe you are just too much for him right now so he feels overwhelmed by a dynamic, sociable and attractive girl. You know, some guys can’t manage all that. It may just be that he has to work on his self-esteem more. Just calm down and let things go naturally, focus on other things right now and it will magically all fall into place. FOCUS on your positive development in all fields and remember they have their own work to do on themselves!

Shippy's avatar

Don’t take this rejection as a personal rejection. We can guess and analyze a mind for days months and years. But really sometimes we just never know. Accepting that we will not always know the reason is part of the journey forward.

Move on, spread the wonderful you to new friends, new interests, new people. Soon he will fade from your memory. I promise.

flo's avatar

@RandomGirl “committed to the relationship.”? But there isn’t a relashinship ^^. It is far far from it. ” I suggested we just be friends but he basically blew me off and changed the subject.” what more can the guy do? He can’t be any clearer, he isn’t interested. @Moonaa Live in the real world , please don’t be a stalker-girl,(for lack of knowledge of a better word)

RandomGirl's avatar

@flo: I meant that, if a friendship develops and is to the point that the OP is able to have a serious conversation of this nature, then she should be sure to show this guy that she’s in it for the long haul. And I meant to include this in my initial response, but somehow it slipped: sometimes it requires letting a guy be for a month or two (or longer) until something changes – school, relationship status, life in general – for a him to be open to being “just friends”, or anything, for that matter. It requires acknowledging that nothing may come of the relationship. When you “move on” from rejection by a special person, you can’t always completely forget about them.

flo's avatar

@RandomGirl It can’t develop though, if he said no. The ball is in his court. It has to come from him if he is interested. Scaring him off, turning him off, can’t be part of the equation. even if “you can’t always completely forget about them.”.

Kardamom's avatar

I haven’t yet read anybody else’s answers yet, but I will after posting.

There are many, many reasons why one person (in this case this particular fellow) isn’t interested in you romantically.

They don’t feel the same chemistry that you do, even if you have tons of things in common. Even when you are older, you will come to find that even people that have what seems like almost everything in common, don’t necessarily click. That’s why I hate online dating sites, because common interests alone do not equate with chemistry (that mystery element that no one has been able to produce on command).

They might have just come out of a relationship with someone else. If the other relationship was bad, they may still be grieving and/or be disgusted with the idea of dating you or anyone else. If the relationship was good, they may hold every other person (including you) up to an impossible standard that you will never be able to fulfill.

They may have never been in a relationship with anyone because they are shy/introverted/boring/only interested in video games/would rather sit around eating Doritos than going to a movie with a girl (because it’s easier).

They may be interested in someone else (but have no intention of telling you that, because it’s none of your business).

They may have been treated poorly once, or multiple times, by the opposite sex and they are holding a grudge against all females for the time being. Or if you are particularly unlucky, the bad girlfriend may have bore a resemblance to you (not your fault).

They are not at the same level of emotional/physical develpment/maturity that you are. Even though this guy is in high school, some fellows peak much later (think of the guys on The Big Bang Theory).

They may have inadvertently heard some incorrect (unpleasant) information about you (that is false) that they think is true. Gossip is rampant in high school, so you may not ever know if he heard something, or if he did, from whom he heard it. Unfortunately for young fellows (and young ladies), once they hear something unpleasant about someone, even if it isn’t true, it often sours their opinion. This is one truly sucky situation, because there’s no way that you can really know where it originated from and you can rarely change people’s opinions (especially in high school).

It is also possible that your energy level, or your level of attractiveness, seem way out of range for him. Most people (I think) prefer to be with partners that are more similar (by comparison) with regards to perceived attractiveness, intelligence and energy levels. Quiet bookworms don’t tend to gravitate towards gregarious/boistrous/adventurous types and vice versa.

He might be a total guy’s guy. Meaning that although he is probably is attracted to females, at this point in his young life, he’d rather spend time playing basketball or video games with his male friends, because sometimes, when fellows are young, they think that the idea of having a girlfriend is just too much trouble, and not worth the time, money and aggravation.

He may perceive himself to be either way too smart, or way too dumb for you. Either one of those would not make a good match for either one of you.

If you are blonde, he might have a penchant for brunettes. If you are brunette, he might prefer redheads. If you’re a redhead, he might prefer blondes. If you have short hair, he might prefer long hair, if you have long hair, he might prefer short hair.

You might remind him of his mother or his sister, and that would give him an ick factor.

Maybe he thinks you have a weird laugh (I once put up with a fellow who brayed like a donkey, until I couldn’t take it any more, especially when he did that in a crowded movie theater, although it was bad enough in private). Maybe he thinks you have the wrong sounding voice (which, unfortunately for all of us would grate on all of us, depending on how bad we thought it was, and it’s completely subjective, so don’t get all concerned that you sound weird).

Maybe he liked you just fine as a friend (one of the guys so to speak) but now that he knows you’ve been harboring romantic fantasies about him, he’s totally weirded out, because he never considered you to be anywhere except the “friend zone.” Nobody likes to be in an un-equal partnership, where one person has “feelings” and the other one doesn’t. It’s awkward.

Maybe he likes one of your friends, or cousins, or your sister. That would be really awkward.

Maybe he’s asexual, meaning that he has no particular attraction to you or anyone else, and he’s totally OK with that, and or he enjoys his own company more than anyone else’s. Think of Sheldon Cooper on The Big Bang Theory.

Maybe he is truly acedemically inclined (of his own accord, or by insistence of his parents) that he concentrate on his studies and NOT dating.

Maybe he’s dating someone already (and it’s a secret, like she goes to another school) or maybe he’s even juggling multiple girls. Mabye he’s a player and he’s just waiting for something better (which means different things to different people) to come along.

And my personal favorite, maybe he’s gay. Been there done that (multiple times, when I was younger).

So there are hundreds of reasons why someone might not be interested in someone else. Rarely do they have to do with any inherent horribleness in the other person. Mostly it’s just that there is no chemistry. No harm, no foul. You’ll probably never forget this fellow, but you still need to move forward and look for someone who’s a better match. But don’t excpect to find that better match in high school, or while you are still in high school. It’s just not a realistic expectation.

Paradox25's avatar

Many guys have to deal with persistant rejection as well, which is just one reason why I don’t buy the ‘he is just not into you’ theory. As a guy I can tell you that the reasons here can vary for these guys behaviors, and why they may be rejecting you.

I’m a shyer guy myself at times when it comes to women, bit I’ll still tell you this: don’t persue him. A person that gets rejected after opening themselves up to that person should not have to go any further since the ball should be in the other person’s court to make an effort.

I’ll admit that shy guys get intimidated easily so there could be an exception here. Sometimes younger guys go through an egomaniac stage where they think it is cool to put others down who open themselves up to them so I would tread lightly here, and I would advise you to not play into this game if you suspect that’s what is going on here.

flo's avatar

I haven’t actually read the book but I heard him being interviewed re. the content of the book“Do not humiliate yourself regardless of his reason of showing no interest.” He sounded like very sensible.

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