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trinitymat's avatar

Do you forgive every apology?

Asked by trinitymat (94 points ) 3 months ago

My mom apologized to me two times for the things she said in our fight. She said 90% of the things she said weren’t true, and that people say these things in a fight. She keeps crying and hugging and kissing me, saying she’s so sorry. She also blamed her own father who was a complete psychopath.

I don’t know what to do. This isn’t the first time she was insulting me so cruelly. I’m afraid that if I forgive her, it will continue from time to time. I can’t take that since it’s horrible. Should I pretend like I did forgive her, act nice to her, but also put a wall in between us? Perhaps share less, talk less and interact less than before without letting her know about it?

Thank you

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28 Answers

josie's avatar

Don’t receive that many. But the answer is no. Not every apology.

hearkat's avatar

When she is feeling apologetic is an opening for you to suggest that she get help, so as not to drive a wedge between you in your relationship. She clearly has issues that go back to her own childhood, and speaking from experience those are very tough to overcome. If she is resistant to getting help then you will definitely want to start detaching from her.

DWW25921's avatar

She’s got issues. Just focus on yours and keep in mind she’s not playing with a full deck. When you accept that she’s nuts, things will get easier for you to take. Anyway, in answer to your question, sometimes. It’s up to the moment to decide.

gailcalled's avatar

She sounds really unstable. Maybe take the opportunity to ask her how she would prevent further cruel and irrational outbursts in the future. Ask her also how she dealt with her own father.

Keep your distance; don’t ask her for somehting to drink or eat.

How does your dad figure in all this?

zenvelo's avatar

Forgiveness of your mother is for you, not her. You can forgive her in your own mind when you realize she is behaving the only way she knows how. But you don;t have to ever accept that behavior.

The next time she apologizes, I’d tell her, “I accept your apology if you really mean it. And really meaning it means you won’t say those things to me ever again.”

She has to realize her behavior is driving you away, and if she doesn’t want to lose you, she needs to get help.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

I’m curious about what set her off. Has she always been this way? Could it be you did something so wrong that she reacted with more spirit than she meant to? Is she going through menopause?
Sometimes moms are simply psycho. Sometimes we are pressed pretty far.

Judi's avatar

To forgive is not to say, “its ok” or to continue being abused. I would tell her that only time will tell if her apology is sincere, and if it proves to be sincere over the next year or so you might be able to forgive, but you will always have your guard up.
If you want to make the point, you can take something she s reading and crumple it up. When she looks at you in shock straighten it out as best you can. Take your time trying. Tell her, “I can always say I’m sorry, but I can never make it the way it was before.”

marinelife's avatar

Yes, less interaction with your mother would be a positive in your life.

Smitha's avatar

Her issues are not something that you can solve. It is something that she’ll have to admit to needed help with and agree to get help. She is dealing with her own frustrations by putting her negative emotions about life on you. I guess she loves you a lot but sometimes when someone is so important to us, we might react in extreme ways. There are many parents who make terrible mistakes with their children, and it is almost never intentional. It is that we are all imperfect. You seem like a wonderful person. Many people with such parents go on to greatness, the key in my opinion is forgiveness. I wish you all the best!

snowberry's avatar

Also keep in mind that there is a distinct difference between trust and forgiveness. Some people think they go together and mean about the same thing, but that’s not true. Protect yourself, but do forgive her. And find a different place to live ASAP if you can.

filmfann's avatar

I forgive every apology that I think is heartfelt. It doesn’t matter if I think they will change. It is only important that they mean it when they say it.

creative1's avatar

To forgive someone does not mean that it is ever forgotten, all it means is I accept that you appologized for wronging me but should it happen again I will bring up the fact that this is a repeat of what was appologized for previously.

Now as for your mothers and your relationship, I think a bit of family counseling may be needed to help both of you. Maybe something that you could suggest especially since it sounds like she is repeating some of the abuse that her father did to her so your mother may end up feeling like it is something she needs especially after she starts to unload to the counselor. I think that talking and working through your problems will help you in all relationships in your life. I see a counselor and boy has she helped me work through somethings going on with me, as a result I think it has helped me become a better mother to my children and person in general.

So maybe even if you feel you cannot forgive your mother at this point going and getting help may make your relationship better to where you feel you can forgive her especially if you see her taking steps to better herself for you.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I barely forgive the first time anyone apologizes to me.

Seek's avatar

Must be nice to have a mom who apologises and admits fault…

LostInParadise's avatar

Ask for the apology in writing. That will give you the upper hand. The next time your mother goes into one of her tirades, all you have to do is show the statement that she signed and inform her that she knows what she is saying is untrue and then just walk away.

elbanditoroso's avatar

No way.

Forgiveness makes them (in this case your mother) feel better, but it doesn’t do anything for you.

Remember these incidents for the future.

Pachy's avatar

Two appropriate quotes:

A stiff apology is a second insult… The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.
——Gilbert K. Chesterton—

Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.
——Tryon Edwards—

KNOWITALL's avatar

I accept most all apologies if sincere, because I have to practice forgiveness for my own well-being.

My mom is bi-polar but wasn’t diagnosed until age 55, so that left a lot of time that went by where she self-medicated with alcohol and other things to feel better. Once she told me that she wished I’ve never been born in one of her rages.

I forgave but I will never forget, and she is not my confidant, even though I do love her I have no trust with her as far as my ‘inner child.’ I cannot allow her access to me in that way ever again, whether it’s right or wrong, because one step further and we couldn’t be in each other’s life. Good luck to you both.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

I’m wondering if the asker is reading these answers. What I understand from the details is there was A fight. The answers are all regarding ongoing behavior. . ????????????????????
Was tere a previous post I missed? Anybody, lovers, can have one angry fight. I asked for clarificaton of the situation, but so far no response.
If this is only about one angry encounter, anyone could have been at fault. No-one could have been at fault. Bad weather could have been at fault.

creative1's avatar

@Jonesn4burgers This is was a fight between mother and daughter which the poster goes on to say that it isn’t the first time it has happened. She also said the mother took full responsibilty that she was repeating what her father did to her so that is why you are seeing the answers you are seeing.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

What a shame! I had an impossible mother. I was miserable, wanting to love my family and being so hurt by them. Life is much better since I went my own way. I wish I had sooner. It would have prevented some of the wrong turns I’ve taken.
Forgiveness does not mean the offense was okay, It means the forgiver is ready to move past the offense, and wants to just be done with it. Each person needs to decide for themselves if they feel able to do that. It doesn’t mean they think the behavior is okay, just past.

creative1's avatar

@Jonesn4burgers I think seeing a therapist would help but both parties need to be willing to work on the relationship. I also think the mother needs to see someone on her own because she needs to work on her underlying issues with her parents because that is the only way she is going to break this cycle. I think that if this happened then they would probably have the relationship they both need and want.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

@creative1 I feel less optimistic, but if you’re right, I sure hope they manage to put it together.

hearkat's avatar

@Jonesn4burgers: If you click on a Jelly’s avatar or their name below it, you will be taken to their profile page. The tabs across the page allow you to view various activity of that person. The OP made a couple related posts a day or two before this one.

ISmart's avatar

yes, life is too short to hold on to BS

flutherother's avatar

I think your mother has a split personality, a nice one and a nasty one. I don’t think there is anything either of you can do about it. The nasty one will emerge over and over again despite the apologies. It may well be connected with a traumatic upbringing your mother had and it might be worth trying to get her to open up about her past. Understanding can lead to forgiveness.

aroyalandarebel's avatar

my mom is so similar but that’s life, i don’t and won’t accept all apologies and seriously just let the person regret calling you out i mean they need to know it’s not cool and you won’t stand for it, it’s don’t matter if it was your mom, dad, brother, sister, other family member, or friend, no matter who it is just let ‘em know. it’s always worked for me, just try it this might work for you
_aroyalandarebel

talljasperman's avatar

Focus on the positive , like getting an education and establishing your self… Sure you can forgive your mom, it doesn’t mean that you have to live with her. Or put up with BS. just be patient and finish school with as high of grades as possible and then get a student loan if university or trade school is for you. Ask your guidance counsellor for advice on post secondary education and if you qualify for any scholarships.

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