General Question

ajewel's avatar

What do you do when you cant stand one of your kids?

Asked by ajewel (56 points ) April 21st, 2010

well i have an 11yr old son from a previous marriage. he has adhd and is taking medication, but i would say his adhd is mild to moderate, not really the whole problem. his father and i get along fine for the sake of our son, but i really don’t like him at all and have alot of resentment towards him. he moved out of state about a year ago. i have 2 other children with my current mate ages 1.6 and 3.2 and my 11yr old gets along fine with his step dad. the real issue is i feel the obvious dislike and annoyance i feel for him. my first reaction is to move away when he comes close to me and i can feel my immediate mood change soon as he gets home from school. I realize alot of this has happened over time due to his constant bouncing around and his inability to follow directions and his constant picking he does to his siblings. i always say with him comes the kaos. he does very well in school and also plays local sports, I’m doing the best that i can, but fear that my feelings are becoming obvious as it is getting harder and harder to hide. his step dad says i am to hard on him, but I’m very aware that the moment i let up he will do something to get into trouble. i have proven my point several times. i hate to say it but he proves me right every time. he just doesn’t think before he acts and i cant seem to give him positive reinforcement at all anymore. it’s like i give him a complement and take it away with a criticism all in the same breath. don’t get me wrong he’s a good kid, probably very much like all 11yr old boys, but i just have so much trouble being around him without being angry or just plain annoyed, it like i hear everything he does down to whistling all the way across the house and i cant help but yell at him to stop. please give me some advice on how to change my feelings for him, I’m afraid that they will break down his self esteem and cause him long term emotional problems. i mean if your own mother cant like you then who can right. and i know he can see the difference between him and his siblings, he understands that they are toddlers and require much more attention and patience, but soon it will become evident, i need to fix this before its to late.

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61 Answers

Zen_Again's avatar

I think you are very brave for exploring this issue. The first step in anything is to recognize the problem, or to quote a certian big psychologist – to own it. You have.

I do think that for the child’s sake, you have to do more than just ask a fluther question. I suggest taking this up with a professional.

Good luck, and welcome to fluther.

JeffVader's avatar

I think the two of you need to spend some proper time together, away from the house & your other kids so you can get to know & love him again. You are right, he will know & feel your lack of affection towards him, & that will have really bad consequences for his self-esteem.

MissAusten's avatar

First, I think it is very brave and honest of you to admit to how you feel and ask for advice on how you can change instead of how you can change your son. A lot of parents would feel too guilty to even think of admitting they don’t like being around their child and would therefore never seek help.

Like @Zen_Again, I think your family needs more than support from Fluther and should instead work with a family counselor. Maybe the pediatrician can suggest someone for you.

Storms's avatar

You need to realise that he is not his father, he is an individual. To improve his behavior, you need to not use compliments and criticism to manipulate it. Criticise him when he really needs it to avoid harm and compliment him honestly and liberally.

Trillian's avatar

You need to take a break from him. I felt this exact thing with my own son for a while. He was ADHD, oppositional defiant, and “borderline” bi-polar. He would twirl everything he had in his hands, he never shut up and everything about him was incessant, unrelenting, unremitting… every word you can think of that means it never stops! I actually had considered giving him up for adoption at one point. I could not stand to be in the same room with him and I would immediately tighten up whenever I got near him.
Then I read an article about parents of ADHD kids. It spoke about how since the disorder was not visible, like needing a wheelchair for instance, these parents did not get support or understanding from the rest of the community. Instead they would just get dirty looks from people. Parents need time to de-fuse and I recommend that you look to your local state agencies for some relief. There are Respite programs out there that you can utilize. Also, you could look for local support groups of other parents of ADHD kids. The ability to talk to others who understand what you are going through is vital, and they may also be able to steer you in the direction of other types of help coping with this.
Been there, done that. My son is now 17, a straight A student, and making plans for college. It will get better, I promise. In the meantime, avail yourself of the help that is out there.
Good luck!

plethora's avatar

Good question…gotta go..will be back

Storms's avatar

Mom? T_T

OneMoreMinute's avatar

Please get professional help, counseling, for yourself and all concerned here.
It sounds like you say that you are allowing your son to control your amount of love for him. That your love is conditional. You would love him if he behaved to your expectations?
Is that what you’re saying?

Seek's avatar

@OneMoreMinute – all love is conditional. People like to pretend it isn’t, but it is.

@arrenarose

I am so glad that you are recognizing this as an issue, and are willing to take action to make things better between you and your son.

I agree with the previous posters that you should be looking into professional counseling. We here on Fluther are a good source for advice on various topics, but that advice will always draw from our own experiences, ideals, and prejudices. You need to talk to someone that has experience in this kind of advice-giving, that can give you the tools you need to work things out with your family. I’m sure your son is a wonderful young man, no matter how well he hides it. ^_^ Thank you for wanting to be a good mother. He is very lucky to have a mom that has that desire.

zophu's avatar

Find a new perspective to look at your child. Find something uniquely human about him. Spend a lot of alone time with him like @JeffVader suggested. If you don’t love your kid, he already knows it. Just hope you can get things together and that he can forget that you were once so put-off by him.

You’re not a monster, you’re just a little sick. Get whatever help you can. It’s brave of you to ask online like this, but you need to talk to someone who can help you directly. Don’t let shame get in the way of what must be done for your child. Things like this are rarely as bad as they seem. You get so caught up in the should-have-beens and such, you sometimes miss how things can be helped.

I was tempted to give you scorn at first, but realized that was probably from resentment that isn’t for you. Don’t let your boy down…

janbb's avatar

You have my utmost sympathy and respect for owning up to your feelings and seeking help for your issues. I can only echo what some others have said; get professional help, take a break if you can (can he go to his birth father for a time?), look for support groups and other parents, and nurture yourself and your other relationships. I have a friend who has a daughter with borderline personality disorder; she got great help from online support groups and both got help from DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy.) Hang in there!

dpworkin's avatar

There are a lot of school resources to deal with ADHD. I think it’s time you asked for a referral to family counselling with a specialist who understands the disorder and its ancillary effects on the rest of the family, including you.

gemiwing's avatar

I agree with the others that a bit of family therapy would be good.

The only thing I would add is to make sure you’re seeing your son for him and not what he represents to you. Are you viewing him through the lens of failed marriage, embarrassment of his behavior or feelings of guilt that you somehow caused him to be sick? Try to figure out where these feelings are coming from and perhaps you’ll find the key.

Response moderated
JeffVader's avatar

@drClaw…... Baby Moses Law….?

Seek's avatar

@JeffVader

In my state, and probably several others, one can legally drop an unwanted child (of three days of age or less) at a fire station or hospital without courting legal action against them.

@drClaw‘s answer is flame-bait at best.

Rangie's avatar

This has to be a daily heartbreaking issue for you. I honor you for taking a step back and seeing the whole picture, including yourself in that picture. I have no doubt with your open mind, you will find the solution. I had a nephew very much like your son, but nobody liked him. He has grown up and turned into a loving young man.

slick44's avatar

I think the whole family should go as a whole, and get therapy.

wundayatta's avatar

That must be really hard—one kid with ADHD and then two who are toddlers or less. I wonder if you have some form of depression, too. Perhaps related to the birth of your youngest? Dealing with the needs of very young kids and a hyperactive kid and being depressed (if you are) would be overwhelming. I can imagine your frustration and your inability to keep from taking it out on the most obvious target—the one without any other protector present; the one who is supposed to be easier by now.

In any case, I don’t think you should blame yourself, or even feel guilty about this. This is an outgrowth of a natural situation, and you just haven’t been able to stay on top of it. If you beat yourself up about it, it won’t help. You’ll get more guilty and more angry and more likely to take it out on your oldest son. It could be a very vicious cycle.

This isn’t easy to do, but the first thing I would say is that you should try to give yourself some slack. You’re trying to be perfect Mom, and to have perfect kids, and to protect your son from his stepdad (this is instinctual—nothing to do with how your husband actually treats him), and he isn’t making anything easy. You want everything to go smoothly and it just isn’t.

Give it up. You can’t be perfect (you already know this), but you can’t be as good as you think you should be, either. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. So let some things go. I don’t know if it’s meals on time or cleanliness in the house, or letting the kids use their clothes longer before getting new ones, or whatever projects are not absolutely crucial.

Then, of course, getting professional counseling will be very helpful. Getting a case manager and making a plan and all that stuff, if it is available in your area should help.

But mostly, I think that if you can relax, and not take so much offense at his behavior, it should go a long way. He may break stuff, but as long as he isn’t in danger, the important thing is not hurt.

I suppose he also needs lots and lots of attention. I can’t think of an idea for this one, but there must be ideas that help him get the attention he needs without killing you.

Please don’t blame yourself. You are under an awful lot a stress. Take a step back and try to make a plan to address each issue you have. Then I hope you can both like and love your son. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope fluther wisdom helps.

JeffVader's avatar

@Seek_Kolinahr….... seriously?! I’m gob-smacked…. & I dont think anyone’s been that since about 1956.

Rangie's avatar

Some people should be ashamed of themselves “drClaw ” and would do well to apologize for insensitivity.
This Q should be labeled SERIOUS AND SENSITIVE. It is very brave of you to consult the members of Fluther, and I only hope some of the answers you get are truly helpful. Best to you.

Cruiser's avatar

I am not an ADD expert by any means but my own son has similar issues and the single hardest part for me as a parent was understand why my son was so different. Once I accepted that he had special needs to took even more to put into practice what it took for me to help him, get him the secure environment that would help him thrive and succeed. But it really took looking inside of myself and reprogramming how I respond to him which most of the time is 180 degrees different in how I handled my older son. What I did find was my boy was highly intelligent, very loving and only wanted to feel loved and secure in his at times quite overwhelming world. Over stimulation was the number one trigger for our son and a guaranteed difficult time not only for him but the rest of the family as well. Find out what his triggers are and what helps him to calm down. Hugs and being wrapped up tightly in blankets works well for my son. But the main thing that was the hardest to correct was how I and everyone else responded to him and yelling at any step of the way is the worst way to respond to a child with sensitivity issues. Good luck!

JLeslie's avatar

Wow. What an amazingly honest and revealing question. I have known two woman (one a close friend, and one related to me by marriage) who went through or are going through dreading time with a child of theirs and it was easy to tell to us outsiders the furstration level and/or apathy. I believed the child was aware also.

I am not a parent and I was an easy child, so I don’t even have that perspective, and I am not in the field of child psychology, but I do have a suggestion outside of seeking some professional, like a family therapist, which I think is an excellent idea. They can help fascilitate communication.

I think when someone is in a relationship that is not going well, but they want it to improve, they expect the relationship to be forever, whether it be an SO, mother/child, sibling, friendship, etc. I find it helpful when both people can participate in the resolution. 11 years old might just be getting to a point where you can try more adult type of solutions. I do believe what @Trillian said that it will get better as he gets older.

Anyway, it seems to me somehow the dynamic in your relationship needs to change. I think he already perceives you are not happy to be around him, this is very hard on a child, hard on adults too, and admitting you feel this way is an amazing first step, and your willingness to solve it is to be commended. What if you approached him by saying, “I want to do something fun together, just you and me, do you have any good ideas?” I think he is desperate for your love and attention, and his sadness might be part of his acting out.

Zen_Again's avatar

It’s questions, and especially answers like these that make me fall in love with fluther all over again.

zophu's avatar

I had ADD too . . . until I was old enough to prove that I didn’t. “Grew out of it,” apparently.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

I’m wondering why on earth so many people responded by saying how “brave” you are by posting a question like this…How is it brave, exactly? You’re supposed to be the adult here. You’re the parent. And you are admitting to not being able to stand your own child because of a disorder that he has very little control over? My fiance’s younger brother has autism. He is very difficult to deal with. He is 21 and has the brain of a 8 year old. The family gets frustrated with him from time to time (of course). He has to constantly be under supervision and be told what to do or not to do. But as a parent, that’s something you have to deal with. You’re not always going to like your job as a mother. You’re not always going to “like” your kids, whether they have ADD or not. But when you decided to bring a child into this world, you should have known that not every child is perfect. Yours happens to have ADD. It’s a risk you took by having children. Now you need to stand by his side through thick and thin. He needs your support and love. I agree with the others who said to seek professional advice. Very few of us are qualified enough to give you a proper answer. But for your sons sake, please talk to someone. This is unfair for the both of you.

CMaz's avatar

Learn to.

MissAusten's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 I think it’s brave because it’s something most parents wouldn’t admit to or seek help for. She clearly cares about her son or she wouldn’t be concerned with how he could be affected by her feelings. Asking for advice on this type of topic opens someone up to a lot of judgment and criticism. It’s a difficult situation that could have many causes, and I hope things work out for all involved.

Cupcake's avatar

I can somewhat relate. I have a son with ADHD. Also, I was raped by his father and have had great difficulty with some of his behaviors that remind me of his bio dad.

My advice for you is as follows:
– talk to his pediatrician. I have a hard time reading your entire post… so I may have missed some things. Have you considered ADHD treatment? Diet, medication, therapy, etc. can be extremely helpful.
– talk to your doctor. You may have depression.
– talk to a therapist. You are having an emotional reaction to your son that, while understandable, can cause severe difficulty for your child. You are emotionally rejecting him.
– find things to bring you joy. Please, please find a way to have your “cup” emptied of your difficulty and pain and filled with patience and love.
– read about ADHD. Some of his responses are out of his control. You and other professionals can help him adjust his responses, but you need to understand the disorder.
– consider family therapy. The issues are bigger than the ADHD, your emotions, and the younger children… Your whole family can benefit from learning about how you function as a unit and how to support and encourage each other.

Being a parent is an extremely difficult job. It requires tremendous detachment and dedication at the same time. Take care of you, learn about your son, find ways to love and support him.

I hope I don’t come across as harsh or uncaring. Believe me, I understand. But the stakes here are high. He is on the verge of being a teenager and raging hormones will only make the situation more difficult. You have a limited window here to get help and create new family patterns. Please PM me if you want to talk privately.

Rangie's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 I think the first step in solving a problem is to admit you have one. Not everyone is as ( all knowing) as you are, and some people need a little help now and then. I acknowledge her for stepping up to the challenge.

ubersiren's avatar

It seems evident that you love your son. You care about his well-being and want to change yourself for him. Your love for him isn’t in question.

Just remember that you have the power. You are being worn thin, but that doesn’t mean that you are powerless. Seeking professional help may be your only hope, but you have the power to get it. If his step-dad thinks you’re being too hard on him, then tell him that you’re going out shopping/for coffee/to visit a friend, while he watches him alone for several hours a few times a week, and if anything goes wrong, it’s on his head. Someone else experiencing what you’re experiencing can give you a little relief, just to know that it’s not you who is the problem and that you’re not alone.

Spend some time away from your son. It’s true that distance makes the heart grow fonder. I know after having a hellish day with my 3 year old, I need to get away from him for an hour or two so I don’t go nuts. In your case, you may need a lot of time away from him. On the flip side, as someone mentioned above, it may do you some good to spend some time with him alone. Get some ice cream and talk about his day. Ask what he would like to do one weekend, just him and you.

I hope you find the help you need. This is a tough situation. It’s easy for us to type these suggestions up, and much harder to actually do any of it.

janbb's avatar

Oh liminal, where have you gone?

Chongalicious's avatar

Good God, I am that kid!! :(

@JeffVader is right. He will figure it out, get help with this asap~!

wundayatta's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 I trust that by now you understand why people think the OP was brave for even raising the issue. I hope that you can see how your answer was one of the ones that she was brave to open herself up to. Being highly judgmental is a common temptation here. However, it usually doesn’t really help answer the question.

Telling her this comes with the territory is pretty useless. She already knows that. That’s why she’s asking for help. That’s what she wants—specifics that will give her ideas to go on and that, preferably, have not already been mentioned four or five times. Answers like yours, that make the questioner feel bad without actually adding anything helpful are, to say the least, unhelpful, if not worse.

RedPowerLady's avatar

@Seek_Kolinahr I completely disagree. I have a daughter and I can promise you I love her unconditionally

I think @JLeslie is making a great point. A good part of your son’s behavior probably has to do with him picking up on your feelings toward him. I mean imagine being 11 and your mother having these feelings toward you. How does he find the love and support he needs to not act out?

This issue is so big that I really do believe it needs some outside help. If you have a stigma against counseling just remember that not all counselors are alike. You can change until you find one that fits you and your family. And you can find them very low cost if needed.

In the meantime I think that reading about ADD so you can understand he is not purposefully being obnoxious and really spending some one-on-one time with him are great ideas. That one-on-one time should keep changing until you find something you both enjoy.

I think it is great that you asked this question but you absolutely cannot stop here. Do not let your son grow up in this type of home. Keep going strong and seeking help until you get this resolved.

liminal's avatar

@OneMoreMinute and @zophu It is possible to love somebody, not like things about them, and feel quite exasperated with them at the same time. It is quite normal.

@arrenarose (welcome to fluther!) Parenting is no easy thing. I admire you for putting energy into wanting to approach things differently.

Both of my children have behavioral struggles that are beyond their control and the exhaustion of tending to them can feel discouraging and debilitating at times.

In addition to the other things that have already been mentioned, there are two thought exercises that I started practicing which brought immediate changes in my ability to deal.

1. I practice forgiving my children as frequently as possible. This is something I do in private and, when something is really hard for me, with my partner. I do not bring the children into the process, telling them would confuse them and be counter productive.

For them, life is naturally moment to moment. For me, it is natural to accumulate insults, irritants, and offenses into a cloud of frustration that takes over my attitude. The more I practice remembering their struggles and, forgiving them, the less things accumulate and overwhelm my experience of them. In the beginning this took wading through some hard resentments. With time, it has become something that takes less energy and actually frees me up to see them, for who they are, instead of how they rock my boat.

2. Tonglen Meditation (pdf)
Practicing tonglen mediation has taught me how to sit with uncomfortable feelings, difficulties, and situations and how to make space for those things in my life. It has helped me learn “this too shall pass” and to be present in moments of difficulty, without getting overwhelmed or overwhelming others.

These two thought exercises haven’t eliminated the difficulties of parenting and the stressors of family life, but they have proven to be helpful tools in navigating them.

One other thing that has been vital for my family is realizing that every member of the family (whether child or adult) has needs that deserve room at the table. We take a few days every year to literally write out and plan for attending to everybody’s needs and then, throughout the year, evaluate how things are going and make changes as necessary.

@janbb My little darlings started causing all sorts of disturbance as I sat down to answer this question. I forgot to sign off. :P

janbb's avatar

I figured as much, just yanking your chain.

liminal's avatar

Another reason why I like you.

JLeslie's avatar

@arrenarose I wanted to add one thing for clarification, I don’t think you should ever actually verbalize to him that you don’t enjoy his company or feel he is a bad child, or whatever word you might use to convey your dissappointment. In my opinion NEVER articulate it to him. Just work on making things better.

OneMoreMinute's avatar

@liminal What concerns me is how she phrased her Q. Had she written something along the line of, help-I’m frustrated with my parenting skills. But she clearly writes that she can’t stand her 11 year old child. Those words speak of frustration. If she were getting some sort of professional help, I don’t suspect she would have asked this Q here. It would be currently worked on with doctors. which is available. And this situation can be turned around. I have seen it happen with people I know.
I disagree it is NOT normal. but it happens.
I am not comfortable with this Q anymore. It is extremely sensitive.
I wish all the best.

JLeslie's avatar

@liminal you wrote One other thing that has been vital for my family is realizing that every member of the family (whether child or adult) has needs that deserve room at the table. We take a few days every year to literally write out and plan for attending to everybody’s needs and then, throughout the year, evaluate how things are going and make changes as necessary. I think that is fantastic. Good for any relationship. I saw a show once and an expert who studies couples and divorce (I know this is a little off topic) said he can predict with amazing certainty which couple will make it and which won’t. Anyway, he said one characteristic of couples who last forever is they regularly check in with each other and discuss goals and needs of the other. Can be they want to save to buy a boat, or that they desire more quality time together. It all counts.

Rangie's avatar

@OneMoreMinute All of us have our own way of expressing ourselves. I expect, if you had written the question, it would have been worded differently. She is not talking about her frustrations, she is talking about her feeling. Yes, this is an extremely sensitive question, and she is attempting a start at resolving it. Perhaps, even trying to find out if someone else has gone through this and how they handled it. Please, don’t fault her for trying. If you are uncomfortable with the Q, then pass it by, but don’t make her feel bad.

liminal's avatar

@JLeslie That is encouraging, thank you.

filmfann's avatar

Wow, if you don’t like him at 11, you’re gonna have real problems when he is 14.
Tell him he’s adopted, and put him on a plane for Russia.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@wundayatta It really doesn’t bother me who agrees with me on my opinion. That’s all it is…an opinion. That’s the beauty of fluther. I’m allowed to say how I feel. And FYI, I did give her advice. I suggested seeking professional help from someone qualified in dealing with this sort of thing.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I have a gifted child, and one with ADHD. High maintenance children are wearing. Extremely bright, curious children are wearing. Boys moving into that pre-teen age are wearing. All three in one package, and it’s enough to send Mother Theresa running.

It’s really important that you learn how to manage the stress, and that’s where professional help comes in. I coped by making some things non-issues, and other things non-negotiable. It was very rough for several years.

Think of it not in terms of “I can’t stand my child” but rather “I can’t stand myself for not knowing how to show my child that I love him.”

wundayatta's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 Of course you’re allowed to say what you think. I’m just asking you to consider the consequences of how you say it and what you say. This is an answer site, so it does make a difference when three-quarters of an answer don’t answer the question. I think it further makes a difference that the suggestion that is helpful has already been made four or five times in previous answers. But, since not a lot of people read the previous answers, I suppose it is understandable.

In my opinion, the goal of answers at fluther should be to be helpful to the questioner. In my opinion, your answer was not helpful. It was more a venting of your spleen—a spleen you have every right to vent. Just because someone has a right to do something doesn’t make it an advisable or helpful thing to do. But I’m just one opinion. I may want fluther to be one way, but that doesn’t mean I’m in the majority.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I think this is a lot less about him (he’s just a child, after all) and a lot more about other frustrations/issues/unsolved bitterness in your life. You must understand how you’re projecting and that you are in control of yourself. You are a mom – a phenomenal undertaking that is about these kinds of challenges and your concern is valid and your emotions are valid but you must move forward instead of backwards which is what you’re setting yourself to do if you keep saying ‘it’s only getting worse’ – of course your child will feel it and be unable to understand why. Still, I think you can explain certain things to him like why you feel frustrated at certain times and how you feel helpless and also tell him when you’re happy and feeling confident – children are very good at seeing these things anyway but it helps to talk to them. There’s a lot of good advice above and if nothing works, it would be time to make a choice and see if he can live with his bio-dad because you would not be an optimal parent for him. Be prepared, then to explain why in the future.

mattbrowne's avatar

We should always love our children. They are our children. Time does heal many wounds. So when you feel that you can’t stand one of your children tell yourself, my feelings will be different in a year or two. Maybe right now we should keep our distance. But this won’t have to last forever.

SeventhSense's avatar

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden…...All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

filmfann's avatar

Lurve always given at the mention of Kahlil Gibran.

SeventhSense's avatar

@arrenarose
Much respect for your honesty.

PattyAtHome's avatar

Have you ever read the satire, “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift published 1729?
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/1080/1080-h/1080-h.htm

Sorry thats in poor taste, but I came across it recently and it just popped in my head when I read the question.

——-

Seriously though – this is a very critical time in your son’s life, even if he didn’t have ADHD. I agree with the people who say that you should try doing some things to bond with him, but you should also seek the proffessional help thats been suggested too.

If you don’t do something about this now, then in a few years you’re going to have a really big problem. Even teens in loving families and without any disabilities are prone to rebelliousness. Your son is going to be even more prone to that if you don’t take steps now. Doing things on your own is good, but a proffessional can help identify problems that you might not even see yourself.

And as someone else also said, never speak about these feelings to your son. That’s another reason to use the help of a counsellor. You probably should consider individual counselling for each of you, as well as group counselling together.

I wish you luck and hope you can find the love in your heart for your son again.

Pandora's avatar

Its hard to say. When my children where growing up, I had to learn to seperate the behavior from who the child is. What I mean is that teasing, being a pain sometimes, or being annoying is all par of the course of a child learning. Are they doing this behavior because they have a vicious personality or is it just a part of exploring their boundries and learning how to socialize. On one hand you say he has ADHD. So is it the Adhd, or is it that he is nearing puberty.
When I punished my children, I always made sure they understood that the behavior was undesirable and why, and made sure they equally understood that they are in my heart and I recognize their best qualities and I knew what was in their heart.
However, my children did not suffer from this condition so I don’t know if it is fair to use this as an example.
I agree that some family counseling may be necessary. This will not only affect the two of you but the family as well. He may be picking on the other two because he senses that you favor them.
Whether you say it or not, he knows or thinks he knows how you feel about him. And its crushing to any person when they believe the one person in the world who should accept him, thorns and all, doesn’t.
Please do not think I am picking on your or critizing you. Far from it. I applaud that you are concerned. It means not all is lost. You still love him, but being a mom doesn’t make you a super hero who can overlook things that upset you.
You may want to have another doctor look at him and make sure he is on the right medication for the right condition, first. Then seek some professional help for all of you.
I wish you and your family the best of luck.

Akua's avatar

Wow what a question! I have a 16 autistic daughter that I adore. With all the heartache associated with having an autistic child, I still never saw her as a burden. She is the light of my life and one of my reasons for living. You have to REALLY love someone to feel this way even after they have spit at you or thrown feces at you. So you know I must really love her. On the other hand I have a 23 yr old son who I don’t like. I never really liked him. He was diagnosed when he was about 14 with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but that has nothing to do why I don’t like him. I just can’t stand him. I even went to therapy to fix these feelings and I was told there is nothing wrong with the way I feel. Only humans feel the need to be connected to their children just because they are our children. My son has watched his friend attack me with a bat, he has lied to me and about me, at one point after running away many times, told me he wanted to live in foster care so he could do what he wanted and get a check every month. Once he got in foster care he decided he wanted to come back home because it wasn’t as great as he thought it would be. I found out later from the social worker that he had been kicked out of every foster home they tried to put him in because of disrespect to the parents running the home. He’s been kicked out of Boy Scouts Camp and the Fresh Air Fund when he was 7 and 8 yrs old. He was constantly getting beat up by other kids because of his mouth and generally even becoming a young man, the young girls didn’t like him. The fact is that he is who he is and just because I gave birth to him doesn’t mean he is a good person and that I would like who he turns out to be. Right now my son is in jail for 1st and 2nd degree robberies and he won’t get out for a long time because he hurt a lot of people while committing these crimes. He has been in and out of the judicial system since he was 15 years old. He has robbed a church, broken into local businesses and robbed them, stolen cars, and beat up elderly people for money. I’m ashamed of him and I can’t stand him and I’m not ashamed to admit this to anyone. There ARE conditions on love as seek_Kolinarh has said. I’m not obligated to love anyone and neither are you.

suzanna28's avatar

Well you can try your best to help them but at the end of the day, your children are separate individual beings with their own souls and mind.

Alot of people like to view their children as an extension of them but in fact they are not.

You are just the means by which they came into this world. God is in control of the rest.

But don’t give up on them. You should always love your children and be there for them till the day that you die, always remembering that God made all human beings free and it is entirely up to them whether they want to listen to you or not.

cottonlady08's avatar

Hi i too have a child that has been adhd and he has finally grown out of it almost but I myself decided to (since i am in college and had to do a thesis paper) do some reading up on things that go with this disease. I found a very interesting video on youtube that i like to have had a fit but it showed me something that no one has ever even mentioned to me that could be the culprit that started his adhd..The video stated that adhd has lots of triggers and it is not just the child born with it. The child could be ALLERGIC to things he eats, wears, laundrydetergents, and etc… This was a shocker to me. But It showed how they tested it and it showed how they monitored the children they tested and it was true. So I decided to change some things that i feed my family and some of the ways i do all my house work and some of the cleaners i use to clean with that they will be around. So even though you have been told he is adhd and put on meds (as my son was at a young age and it was an adult dosage) after this research I threw out the meds and he is a normal child now. All it took for my son become a normal child was just to see if he is allergic to anything that you might not have caught yet like me.. So do not be stand offish towards your child he needs his mother more now than he ever will. You could help him out and what you also could do is maybe (not to offend anyone) pray and take it to God and let him help you with the feelings you have but never ever disregard a child that is in need. Please pray and do a little searching of your own to see what you can find; be your own doctor (use your motherly instincts God gave you). I know how hard it can be but lay it at God’s feet and say i turn it over to you and my hands are washed of this; just lead me as you would have me to for my son. Your child of God.

venusPdiaz's avatar

poor little chap – consider he goes and lives with his father perhaps?? All this labelling does irritate me ADHD you say? what about AADS well I would translate that into adult attention deficit syndrome….he’s young and he needs stimulating not swamping with do’s and don’ts I really feel for him I’m afraid…...................................

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