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15barcam's avatar

My mother makes my life feel like living hell. What should I do?

Asked by 15barcam (724 points ) March 2nd, 2014

I’m 16 and can’t move out for another 2 years. I know a lot of teenagers have problems with there parents, but I really don’t think my situation is typical.
My mom is verbally abusive, and calls me fat and tells me how bad I look all the time, (even though I’m a perfectly normal weight for my hight). She is constantly telling me how out of control my diet is and how I need to stop eating so much, even though I eat the right amount for my high exercise life style. My self confidance often is extremely low even though I know in my brain that what she says isn’t true.
She verbally attacks me on a regular bases, even when I’m not doing anything wrong at all. Just this morrning she came barging in my room when I was studying for a test and started screaming at me about how messy the house was and how I never listen to her and what a bad kid I am. This wouldn’t be so crazy if it weren’t for the fact that she is a hoarder and the house is messy because she has and endless amount of things that she won’t get rid of. In fact, when I asked what she saw that was mine that I needed to pick up, the only things she could find were a few hair ties and 2 water glasses.
I always try to stay calm in these situations, but she will not stop screaming at me until I finally yell back. Then the second I do she grounds me for “being rude and back talking”. This morrning, for example, after she yelled at me for 2 hours straight while I was trying to study, I raised my voice and told her that she was making it impossible for me to focus. After that, she took away my phone and said she was keeping it for the next week because I was rude to her. This is the phone that I bought for myself and pay for the monthly phone bill.
I know I’m not 100% innocent, and sometimes I am in fact rude just like any other teenager, but the majority of the time I get attacked by my mother. I am a good kid; I don’t drink or do drugs, and I get all A’s, but no matter what I do she screams at me on a regular bases. I truly just don’t know what to do or how to get out of this horrible situation.

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16 Answers

Coloma's avatar

Welcome to Fluther, I am sorry you are experiencing this treatment.
You can ask your mother to sign you both up for some counseling if she is open to that or, you could potentially ask to be placed in a foster care situation until you reach legal age, or, do you have any other relatives that you could live with?
It is good you are willing to take some responsibility for your contributions to the situation but there is no excuse for abuse, period.

Is your mother under a lot of stress?
Does she abuse drugs and/or alcohol, is there a history of mental illness in your family?
I would look into the possibilities I have mentioned and in the meanwhile do not let her get to you.
Tell her calmly but firmly that she is setting things up for a permanent estrangement between the two of you and that if she doesn’t care that the day may well come when you want nothing more to do with her, then, fine, keep it up and reap the consequences.

Plenty of children divorce their crappy parents in their adulthoods, certainly seems she is setting things up this way.
Hang in there, and find someone you trust to confide in and know this….you do not owe your mother any respect or care if she fails to mend her ways and treat you with the respect you deserve. Respect is earned, not a given, and just because someone is your parent does not mean they automatically get to beat the emotional shit out of their kids while still expecting loyalty and devotion.

Good luck kiddo!

cazzie's avatar

It might sound severe, but you should talk to your counsellor at school or go directly yourself to social services or a lawyer. This sounds like child abuse. It sounds like your mother has some serious issues. It is possible to gain emancipation as a minor in certain circumstances. Has she always been like this your whole life or has this been triggered by something that has happened in her life, like the loss of a loved one, or a career…. ?? Talk to a trusted family member or teacher. Your mother needs help, but you are the child and deserve better than what is happening. It isn’t your job to fix her, so you may need to go somewhere else for a while and leave her to her problems.

Cruiser's avatar

Correction @15barcam...“All” teenagers have problems with there parents…it’s only a few more years and the time will fly by.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

I am very sorry to read about your situation. It sounds difficult. (hugs)

I do not know the whole story. I only know what you’ve written here, which sounds extreme.

You need to talk to another adult about your situation, and talking to a school counselor is a good place to start. That counselor might be able to help or point you to a place where you can get it.

I wish you the best of luck.

augustlan's avatar

How awful for you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Things I would try:

1 – Stay out of the house as much as possible! Develop a busy life that keeps you out of the warpath.

2 – Have a serious talk with her while she’s calm. Acknowledge whatever part you play in this dynamic, but tell her how her behavior makes you feel. Try to work together to change it.

3 – If that’s not effective, talk to another family member, your family doctor or your school counselor. Ask for advice and/or counseling. You’ve got to at least get some help for yourself, if not for your mother.

Brian1946's avatar

Have you talked to your father about this?

gailcalled's avatar

From your earlier questions, this misery has been going on for years, pllus issues about weight, body image, concentration, insomnia. You have gotten many thoughtful answers, similar to the above ones, but almost never responded to any of them.

http://www.fluther.com/135958/what-to-do-when-your-parents-never-think-you-are-good/
http://www.fluther.com/137167/any-tips-for-concentrating-on-homework/
http://www.fluther.com/150601/i-think-i-have-some-sort-of-exercise-eating-disorder-help/

On Feb. 2013 you did say, ” I just wanted to thank everyone for the help they gave on this subject! I talked to my parents and have been seeing a therapist and I’m getting much better!”

Can you use this therapist to help you deal with the ongoing issues with your mother?

15barcam's avatar

@gailcalled I did go to the therapist for eating disorder/exercise problems, which I have decent control of now even if they aren’t entirely fixed. I ended up being taken out of therapy because of money issues about 4 months ago. Even though I have a better state of mind than I used to, I feel like my mom’s state of mind has just gotten progressively worse over the last 4 years or so. I know that I already have problems, and it just makes it that much harder to deal with them when my mom is acting the way she does every day.

josie's avatar

Wait till you can move out. Then move out. Then start paying your own bills. Was it worth it? You say.

BeenThereSaidThat's avatar

I also grew up with an abusive mother. My father was no help since he also was afraid to confront his wife due to her terrible temper.

My teenage years were a living hell. From practical experience, my solution was to grow up get a job and move out. This happened to me forty years ago and now my mother and I are on speaking terms. I have forgiven her but deep down I can never forget what I went through and the closeness is not there.

I now have my own family which makes up for the sad childhood I had. give it time, you have your whole life ahead of you.

mazingerz88's avatar

Tell her you’re sorry for everything you did to make her angry at you and that you love her. And that you are really having a difficult time with how she’s behaving towards you and you would like her to refrain from it, if possible.

Try to figure out what’s really causing all these negativity from your mom and once you do, try to step in her shoes and figure out how you can help her address it. Be sincerely symphatetic to her. If you can help her out, I have a feeling she will get off your back. Hopefully.

If you emphatize with your mom out of unconditional love, it just might lighten that heavy load of stress she is inflicting upon you. In short, be the one to have a bigger heart than her and maybe , just maybe, her abuses might have less of an impact.

cazzie's avatar

@mazingerz88 it isn’t up to her to make her mom feel better. She’s a child.

Juliasmile's avatar

Question, am I wrong to believe people who are hoarders are people who typically had a great loss in their lives? Maybe your mother is pushing you away as a defense to her own feelings because she knows she will one day lose you too? I may be completely wrong but give it some thought.

mazingerz88's avatar

@cazzie I respectfully disagree. At 16, a child is old enough to understand that she is part of the family and should help out in sorting problems that affect her especially.

cazzie's avatar

@mazingerz88 This isn’t a matter of learning to set the table or vacuum the rugs. These sound like deep seated psychological problems her mother has. At 16, perhaps what she has to understand that these problems aren’t hers but her mother’s and the help her mother needs is a professional, not her keeping her room tidy and walking on eggshells, waiting for the next irrational bomb to drop. It sounds like abuse. As a child, she has rights.

Starburst68658's avatar

Well my mom makes my life a living hell too because she don’t want me live with her and says I live with my dad she don’t like that so she tries to make me wanna go a little over there by buying me things and everything and when I don’t accept it she wants to be mean and also my brother and my sister want to live with my dad so that makes me even more mad. ..:)

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