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Mimishu1995's avatar

Stupid relationship question: what should I do now (extremely long details inside)

Asked by Mimishu1995 (8507 points ) March 7th, 2014

This question may seem stupid to some jellies. But really, I can’t find an appropriate solution, so I have to rely on you. Sorry if this question is just too stupid to be answered.

Let’s go through the scenario first: there’s that friend of mine who used to study together with me at high school and still goes to the same class as me at the moment (let’s call her A). At university, she’s pretty “asocial”. She doesn’t seem to have any intention to make friends with anyone and so do every student in my class (I do sometimes see her talking and laughing with others, but generally it doesn’t seem like she is trying to socialize). The only one whom she clings on the most seems to be me (because I used to study with her). She also has the tendency to skip class or go away in the middle of a lesson while the teacher doesn’t notice, saying that the lessons are “too boring”.

Now to the point: About 3 days ago, A went to class and sit at the table I was sitting. Between us was another girl (let’s call her B). At the break, A asked me what time it was. I gave her the time then played with my mobile phone for a while. When I looked up, A had gone, although her bag was still on the table. B told me A said she had to go out for a while. B was asked to look after A’s bag as A would come back to fetch it at the end of the classes.

We continue to study until classes ended. B picked up A’s bag and went out to wait for A. I took my mobile phone out for the time. Just then I found two messages, which were all from A and were sent at nearly the same time. The first one was: “Could you bring my bag back home for me?” and the second was: “You can take it home. And please bring it to me tomorrow.”

I got pretty irritated after reading the first message, since her home was very far from the school, and I had some work to attend to a few minutes after school. When I came to the school gate, B complained to me how late A was. I said A would never come and told her about the messages. B asked me to keep the bag since she shared her room with some other people and she feared they would explore the contain of the bag before she knew it. I agreed and take the bag back home.

When I came back home, my parents saw A’s bag and ask about it. I told them everything since I was too irritated. They got irritated too. They all agreed her having me bringing her bag back home was a bad idea, and accused A of being “too thoughtless and carefree to think about others”. Nevertheless, they agreed to let me bring the bag to school for her.

The next day I brought the bag to school. A didn’t come (somehow I wasn’t surprised). I ended up dragging the bag back home again. Of course my parents knew right away what happened. This time their endurance ran out. They told me not to bring the bag to school again, and to tell her that I would only give it to her if she came to our home and ask for it back.

And that’s where the problem came in. At high school A and I had some “history” that happened to reach my parents. And most of the time they thought A was taking advantage of my kindness. That means they see A in a very negative light. So it isn’t surprising that they run out of endurance so quickly. Their comment about what happened was that she was just taking advantage of me again, and I really shouldn’t help her. But what they don’t know about A is that she’s very bad-tempered. She gets mad quite easily, sometimes at a very trivial reason. And more than one she get mad at me, and whenever she does, she’s horrible, too horrible for me to confront. I know my parents won’t let me get the bag out of our home, and hiding it is impossible. But I don’t seem to have much courage to tell her straight that I won’t bring her bag for her and she has to come to my house to get it. I think I’m in quite a catch 22 situation. So, what am I to do now?

I don’t have classes until next week. And today she has rung me twice. I guess she mainly wants to talk about the bag. I haven’t rung back yet and I don’t want to, because I don’t know what to say and because I don’t want to confront another of her anger (she even gets mad when she ring me and I ring her back so late).

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24 Answers

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
Adirondackwannabe's avatar

A seems to be a “user” and she’ll take advantage of you as long as you let her. Who controls your life, her or you?

Mimishu1995's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe I know she is taking advantage of me. What I need is how to get everything done with the least conflict possible.

GloPro's avatar

If your school has a lost and found I’d drop it off there. If it were me I would peek through it to make sure there was nothing incriminating in it, and if you find such a thing throw it away before turning in the bag.
Text her back and simply state that for her ease of collecting her belongings you dropped the bag off at lost and found, labeled with her name.
If she gets angry tell her you have felt angry lugging her bag around for days, so you did what you thought was best. Then ask her not to depend on you to keep her belongings anymore because you have your own things to keep up with.
Remember there is a fine art to expressing feelings openly and honestly without acting on those feelings. Stand your ground politely and sternly.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Mimishu1995 Sometimes you can’t avoid conflict. I’m guessing she’s going to be a bitch about this and you just have to stand your ground and know she’s going to turn on you. It sucks but that’s life sometimes. We can’t always be the nice guy. If she’ll be a bit nasty about something this trivial do you want her as a friend?

GloPro's avatar

And seriously, @Mimishu1995 Why do you want this person to come to your house? I see no benefit to forcing a potentially angry “frenemy” to come to your home.

Mimishu1995's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe I don’t consider her to be a friend, but she still does, because firstly she doesn’t attend class faithfully and secondly I have never told her that. But at high school, my classmates were quite unfriendly, and A and I had to cling on each other. I didn’t have a special interest in her, but at least she was the best I had got. At university, things changed, and I found more better friends. Well, the problem is that she just can’t realize it.

@GloPro The “come to my house” idea is my parents’, as a “payback” ploy for her for asking me to bring the bag to her house. And by “coming to my house”, I mean she stands in front of the gate and I give her the bag back, not she comes into my house (I don’t feel like welcoming her myself).
And by the way my school doesn’t have any lost and found.

GloPro's avatar

I’m sorry, but “payback” ideas stir up unnecessary trouble, and are immature. Take a high road, not a low road. If she isn’t a friend having her visit your home is a bad idea.
I have never heard of a university that does not have a lost and found. It is usually tied to the security staff/department, of which I am positive every University has. Until you call the security department, I am guessing you are making a poorly informed statement. EVERY school has a lost and found somewhere. It is highly unlikely your school is an exception.
Don’t make this situation more complicated than it needs to be. I would not follow your parents bitterness and “vengeful” advice if you are trying to avoid conflict.

Mimishu1995's avatar

@GloPro There is actually a lost and found (well if I can call it a lot and found). But guess what it is? It’s just a normal teachers’ room. Everyday teachers come and go there, each day different teachers come there.

I didn’t mention in my question that I left the bag at school the day after she left it. When I finally remember, I came back to school and somehow I went into that office. The teachers there told me some of my classmates left it there for them.

Aside from that, I don’t know anymore situation when the lost and found room is used. When students in my school accidentally leave anything there, if they’re lucky enough they will find it somewhere in the school (like me). If not, their belongings will just disappear and no one is able to find it ever again.

Brian1946's avatar

“But what they don’t know about A is that she’s very bad-tempered. She gets mad quite easily, sometimes at a very trivial reason. And more than one she get mad at me, and whenever she does, she’s horrible, too horrible for me to confront.”

What do you think would your parents’ reaction would be if you told them about A’s temper?

Judi's avatar

Text her and tell her that you don’t have classes until next week so she is going to have to come to your house to get it. End of discussion.

Cupcake's avatar

I don’t think of having her come to your house as payback. I think it says, “You have inconvenienced me and I refuse to be inconvenienced any further. Due to your negligence, your bag is at my house. If you want it, come pick it up.”

If your parents want her to come pick up the bag, perhaps they would be willing to greet her at the door. I can’t imagine that she would have a temper with your parents.

Please stop ignoring her calls. Tell her that her bag is at your house and that you will not be transporting it anywhere else. Tell her that your parents forbid you from being further involved.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Why is holding onto a friend’s bag such a big deal?

Now that you’ve told your parents and she’s texting you, just tell her to come to your house to pick it up and be done with it.

If she’s mean and you’re a wimp, then it sounds like thing’s will continue to be done her way. Or maybe your parents will talk to her, and you’ll look like a complete dork.

stanleybmanly's avatar

OK, so A is a flake and you are a doormat. You should always beware of people willing to assign you responsibility for their valuables. This is particularly true when it comes to people who are visibly “out to lunch”. Frankly, the world is full of “A“s who are willing to latch on to the competent and reliable doormat, and if you choose to travel down the road with them, you are doomed to a life of rescuing and cleaning up after them. She’s a user and you should run from her as though she were aflame. A is the type of soul whose life will amount to stumbling from crisis to crisis with the claim that the crises are NEVER her fault, and if you are anywhere within range, YOU are doomed to pay one way or another for the experience.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

Tell her you will be happy to bring it to her, for a delivery fee. If she is going to treat you like a delivery girl, charge accordingly. Do not cave in to her manipulation. Make her pay for her thoughtless manipulation. Once she has paid you, share it with your parents to compensate them for an inconvenience they would not have willingly brought upon themselves.

Mimishu1995's avatar

@Brian1946 I know my parents cannot imagine the degree of her temper. If I told them, they would just tell me to fight back. One day when I was hanging out with some of my high school classmates (including her), she got a phone call and went out to talk. I happened to overheard her conversation and it was clear she was talking to her mom. At one point she shouted at her, sounding really cross!

@Cupcake Like I said, I don’t want to call to avoid another of her temper for being called back late, but at least I’ll give it a try.

@Jonesn4burgers I don’t think that will work, given her temper…

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

Grrrrrr, let me at her! I’ll straighten her out for you. Oooo if only I had a passport and about 5K, I’d be there. I’d thump her forehead with my cane, and tell her to leave our little @Mimishu1995 in peace.

LornaLove's avatar

Has she got a mental disorder? One where she suddenly has to vanish and cannot cope? Just a thought. I sometimes act oddly and shout at people, I am bipolar.

Kardamom's avatar

I have not yet read any of the other responses, but will do so after posting.

Your friend A seems like a very irresponsible person who relies on other people too much, and she treats you poorly.

Your parents seem a bit harsh, because you are only trying to do the right thing. I really can’t understand why they would be mad at you for bringing the bag home (so that it wouldn’t get stolen). But they have made it clear that they don’t want you doing favors for this girl, so something is going to have to change.

Since A has tendencies towards anger that she unleashes on you, don’t bother to call her and then have to listen to her scream at you. Text her that you are going to take the bag to the class and relinquish it to the teacher. Tell her that your parents don’t want you to do any more favors for her, because it is disruptive to you. Tell her that if she leaves her bag in the class again, you will take it to the teacher and explain the situation. That’s it. You are off the hook. Tell your parents that you would like to take the bag back to her teacher. If they won’t let you do that, then text the girl that she needs to come and pick up the bag directly from your parents, but if she pulls this situation again, you will give her bag to the teacher and not take it home.

If A comes back to school and angrily confronts you, let her know that you will tell your parents and the school authorities and her teacher what has been going on. And live up to these statements. Don’t let this girl bully you and use you.

Mimishu1995's avatar

Updated: today we had class and A came to school. I did what @Cupcake suggested, the only difference being I told her face-to-face. She was taken aback at first, then became very irritated and said annoyingly. She complained about how far it would be to get from the school to my house (she had already forgotten having asked me to bring the bag to her home earlier), and said one very annoying thing: “We have been friends for 3 years now, so what is so wrong in just bringing my bag to school for me? I have nothing to say about your parents!” But eventually she had to agree to come pick the bag in my house. We didn’t talk anything during the journey.

She once wrote on Facebook that: “People get mad at you when you treat them the way they treat you”. Well, I guess she was most likely describing herself :/

Cupcake's avatar

@Mimishu1995 I’m so glad she went to your house to get her bag.

Do you feel proud of yourself for not giving in to her?

Mimishu1995's avatar

@Cupcake Yes. Really proud.

And at the same time very irritated at what she said to me. Here’s my thought.

But still, thanks so much @Cupcake (and everyone who bothered to answer this question). Hope you don’t feel annoyed because this question is so stupid.

Cupcake's avatar

Not stupid. It’s hard to start standing up for yourself. :)

zainety's avatar

Tell her straight come get your bag and after that your done cause your a human being not a pack mule or a door mat.

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