Social Question

bluefirechick9's avatar

Does he think about having sex with me?

Asked by bluefirechick9 (96 points ) April 18th, 2014

I am 20 and friends with a couple in their late 50s. They are like mentors to me; I see them in a parental way and sometimes we hang out as friends.

The husband, however, has lately been making some comments that have me worried that he is sexually attracted to me and might act on it. I didn’t take it seriously at first, because the thought of him in a romantic sense grosses me out, but the other day we were talking on the phone (he called to check in and say hi) and I made a comment about this funny story from college about something silly I did that I’d probably only tell people if I was drinking. He responded with “I don’t know if I can drink with you, because that could be dangerous…” I knew what he implied but shrugged it off and started talking about something else. He said, “Oh, so you’re just going to blow past that?!” I said “Ok, why would it be dangerous?” And he replied, “Well, you know, because you’re a vibrant 20-year-old and you know I find you attractive….” blah blah blah. I didn’t really know how to respond.

In the past he kept asking if I had a boyfriend – I haven’t and I admitted that I’m kind of insecure about it. He went on to tell me that he wouldn’t get specific but he’s always thought I had a nice figure. Another time when I told him I was losing a little weight, he looked at me and said “you’re getting a hot little body.”

I have more examples that I will update with. Do you think he fantasizes about me at all?

I also catch him staring at me a lot. Once I was talking to his wife and leaning forward on the kitchen counter and might’ve unintentionally been showing cleavage. When she suggested I sit on a bar stool instead, he made sure to say that I don’t have to, I can just do whatever is comfortable.

Physically, one time I was sitting next to him with my head on his shoulder after talking about something sad, and my legs were curled up and he put his hand really high behind my thigh close to my butt. He also loosely has loosely held my hand one time and in a flirty way tried to tickle me. After he hugged me once he left his hands lingering around my waist for a few seconds.

Also one time when I came over he was in the shower and after he got out invited me to come up and talk as he was getting ready. I said no thanks and stayed downstairs.

He also makes comments about how hot he used to be in college as a swimmer and how they’re used to not wearing much clothes.

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45 Answers

Darth_Algar's avatar

You cannot seriously be asking this question after all that can you? Yes, he wants to have sex with you. The only way he could make it more obvious is if he looked you in the eye and said “I want to have sex with you”.

GloPro's avatar

Is this a rhetorical question? Seems like you know the answer already.

ragingloli's avatar

Oh yes, yes he does. The old horndog.
Why? Because he is a man.

Blackberry's avatar

“Does he think about having sex with me?”

“I am 20”

….....Yes.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Not only does he think about it, but he is testing the water to see how receptive you might be.

If you have any respect for the wife, distance yourself from him. If he calls you again and says anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him so. It may also be effective to let him know that you considered him a mentor until this started happening. It’s clear that his wife has already picked up on it as well.

This comes from someone in a similar situation at your age. While the attention was flattering, it was uncomfortable, and I wish I had asked someone for advice at the time.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Nah, he want’s to take you to church for communion. He’s just making sure you’re pure first. Are you really 20?

bluefirechick9's avatar

Ok, I get it, he does. This scares me. I’m afraid he’ll make a pass at me or something. I’m thinking I’ll need to have a conversation with him about this “sexual tension.”

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@bluefirechick9 Okay, you reassure me a bit. Don’t let him get you alone. What else can you tell us about him?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Back in a bit. But this is important.

bluefirechick9's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe I don’t think he wants to cheat on his wife. (And I certainly don’t want to be with him!) But it seems like he is often tempted to do something sexual, and as @Pied_Pfeffer said, is testing the waters. I’m afraid that one day he will, although I’m not sure what that would look like.

filmfann's avatar

You don’t need to be cruel about it, just tell him to back off.
Of course he wants to have sex with you. You are 20, and haven’t told him to back off.

filmfann's avatar

What will it look like? He will invite you over, and when you walk in, he will accidentally be naked. Oops, didn’t expect you so soon.

bluefirechick9's avatar

@filmfann Seriously?

And I would vomit.

filmfann's avatar

@bluefirechick9 You barf, and he has his answer. Beware.

ragingloli's avatar

unless he is into that sort of thing

LuckyGuy's avatar

You need to say “This conversation makes me uncomfortable. Please stop”.

Stop the crap. If you don’t want to lead him on, stop the “I was sitting next to him with my head on his shoulder because I was sad” nonsense – with or without your legs curled up. Don’t confide in him alone. Don’t let him confide in you.

If these people are friends you need to grow up and treat them (both of them!) like friends. Behave like a friend – not a home wrecker.

You’re a big girl now. It is time to take responsibility for your actions.
I repeat: Tell him up front: “This conversation makes me uncomfortable. Please stop.” .
Got it?

bluefirechick9's avatar

@LuckyGuy That was a little harsh, but I get it! I need to not worry about his feelings/ego because you all are helping me see it is so obvious that I need to say something. I wouldn’t want him to turn it around on me and be like, “Oh, you thought there was something going on? I was just joking” or something like that.

cheebdragon's avatar

I kind of get the feeling that you are somewhat intrigued by this guys behavior…..you almost seem to be encouraging him whether it’s intentional or not, idk but if you had shot it down to begin with you would not have so many examples to list…....just sayin.

ucme's avatar

Is this guy Ron Burgundy? Cuz that’s the feeling i’m getting here.

gailcalled's avatar

And how do you think your friend and mentor, his wife, would feel about these revelations? Would you feel comfortable describing to her what you have been describing to us?

SpatzieLover's avatar

At around this same age, a close family friend of ours made it clear he was flirting with me. I made it clear to him that I loved and respected his wife.

He didn’t take me seriously and furthered his advances. At that point I made it abundantly clear I do not lie. If he would continue, I would discuss the issue with his wife. That cooled him off promptly. All flirtatious advances ended there on the spot.

You are in control of yourself @bluefirechick9. Now it’s time to take control of this situation directly if you don’t want it to proceed.

cheebdragon's avatar

Wtf does this have to do with masturbation?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@bluefirechick9 Okay, do you have much experience with guys? You are sending some seriously inappropriate signals to a guy that’s sending you a whole lot of signals. Resting your head on his shoulder, visiting while he’s in the shower, etc. Where was the wife during that one?

bluefirechick9's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Again, I saw him in a fatherly figure way, which is why I didn’t think that it mattered for me to rest my head on his shoulder.

About visiting while he was in the shower… I forgot to mention that I was under the impression his wife would be there, and it wasn’t until after I got there that he told me she was out of town. :(

SpatzieLover's avatar

@bluefirechick9 He’s purposefully setting up situations where the two of you will be alone. Lesson learned. From now on, schedule all visits through the wife.

Edit: see above where @filmfann predicted just this scenario happening….“whoops I’m naked…wanna join me?” It’ll be the same thing over and over unless you take responsibility and put a stop to it.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@bluefirechick9 Oh man, do not trust this guy. You may see him as a fatherly figure. He’s got a whole different idea in mind. He asked you to come up while he was in the shower with the wife out of town? Holy crap. I assume you can trust him not to try force, but I would be so so careful. God this guy has perve written all over him. I think he wants you bad and he’s just setting up situations, like @SpatzieLover said. And do not accept any drinks of any sort from him. He might try a roofy.

Cruiser's avatar

Yes and you know this. On a scale of 1–10 how desperate are you for attention? He apparently will be available to give you all you want for an hour or so.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@bluefirechick9 You thought my answer was harsh? Hardly!
I, (as well as most of the other folks here), have been tying to give you a wake up call.
By not saying anything to stop it, you are leading him on! If you don’t like the way it is going, grow a pair and say “This conversation is making me uncomfortable. Please stop.”
Who cares if he says he was only joking? You will have sent the message and it will be received loud and clear. THAT is the way adults handle themselves.
And don’t get me started about why a late 50’s couple is ‘mentoring’ a 20 year old. It sounds too much like Jerry Sandusky or the religious camp counselors who mentor girls to show them “God’s love”.

You know what to do. Do it.
Now, one more time… “This conversation is making me uncomfortable. Please stop.”

Haleth's avatar

@LuckyGuy By not saying anything to stop it, you are leading him on! If you don’t like the way it is going, grow a pair and say “This conversation is making me uncomfortable. Please stop.”

@bluefirechick9 I agree with what people are saying, that if you don’t draw a firm line his behavior will continue. But there’s an undercurrent in this thread that makes me really uncomfortable, where it seems like people are placing responsibility for this guy’s (gross, inappropriate, pervy) behavior on you.

You’re young and mentioned that you’re inexperienced. Most of the people on fluther are older than you. To us, it seems really obvious that he’s perving on you, because we’ve been on the receiving end of attention like this before. It sounds like you saw the situation as unclear or ambiguous, but it made you uncomfortable.

If you stop and think through this discomfort to the source of it, maybe you can learn from what happened here and use that knowledge in other situations in your life. You see this couple as mentors and role models. It’s like the relationship you’d have with your teachers or parents. You’re supposed to be able to trust people like that, but the husband has broken your trust (and he’s being very disrespectful to his wife.)

You will need to be very clear and assertive with him, or he’ll never stop acting this way. That’s not your fault, it’s because he’s a pervy and inappropriate asshole. He should know that you’re not interested in him, because you’re twenty. He should know better in general.

You can take away some valuable life skills from this, though. If a situation makes you feel strange or uncomfortable, even if it’s a momentary gut feeling of “something’s not right here,” listen to that feeling. Stop and think it through until you figure out the source of the wrongness, and then advocate for yourself.

In this case, I don’t think you should see the husband anymore. You might still have a good mentor relationship with the wife, but the husband has broken your trust. He’s not a good role model and he doesn’t have anything else to offer you.

Leanne1986's avatar

I was in a similar situation when I was in my teens. I worked for a couple for about 2 years and during that time the husband got more and more flirtatious and the wife started to resent me. I didn’t feel like I was encouraging him and I certainly didn’t fancy him in any way but I was very naive and was worried about hurting his feelings so by brushing his little comments under the carpet and not telling him to stop, I was probably encouraging it. It made me feel very uncomfortable, I know that much. I stopped working for them before I really had to confront the issue and haven’t seen them since.

jca's avatar

You are flirting with him and receptive to his flirting, doing things like sitting near him with your head on his shoulder and your legs curled up. Do you sit like that in front of his wife? If you were 12, I would say it’s ok to be so naive. Being 20, you should know better. You know he is attracted to you and I feel like you are playing dumb. You are playing with fire and about to get burned, as the old saying goes. I am willing to bet he doesn’t do things like ask you to hang out with him after he gets out of the shower in front of his wife. Does his wife know he just calls you to say hi? I am willing to bet not. If you are not 100% transparent with the phone calls, the hanging out, the going to his house when he’s in the shower, by telling his wife, then you are complicit in the behavior. Perhaps you like the attention. Who knows. However, you are too old to play dumb about this behavior.

cheebdragon's avatar

↑ Agreed.

Ruallreb8ters's avatar

Better question. Does he think about having sex with me as much as I do with him?

bolwerk's avatar

Why even care? It’s a huge jump from attracted to you to doing anything untoward, and from untoward it’s another jump to violation.

And don’t flirt with him.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@cheebdragon I’m really confused about your comment regarding masturbation…

Coloma's avatar

Eeee….no doubt his old corndog wants to mingle with a fresh little cupcake. Stay away from this guy, better yet, tell him that you know what’s up and that you find it sad that he is choosing to ruin your respect for him, let alone make it uncpomfortable around his wife.
I too was the recipient of an old guys affections around your age and it really sucks. I am the 50 something year old now and wish I had more backbone back in the day to tell the geezer to fuck off.

cheebdragon's avatar

Yesterday one of the tags for the question was “masturbation”.

jca's avatar

The episode with him being in the shower and inviting you upstairs was step #1.

Paradox25's avatar

Personally I think your male ‘friend’ is creep. Not because he finds you attractive, I mean geez, it’s normal for each of the opposite sex to be aroused by the other. I find him to be a creep because he’s married, in his later 50’s and seems to be actually trying to act out on his fantasies of you, disrespecting his wife in the process.

I don’t think you asked this question to determine whether he’s sexually attracted to you or not, but I think you want attention out of this. He’s always going to be attracted to you, so if this really does bother you you’re going to have to cut all ties with your older friends here in my opinion. There’s no middle road here, you’re going to have to stop visiting both of them altogether.

jca's avatar

It would be nice if the OP came back to this discussion.

cheebdragon's avatar

Maybe the wife found out and kicked her ass?......

What? I’m just sayin…..it’s possible.

Coloma's avatar

@cheebdragon Better yet, she’ll have a fling and get pregnant, then they cal all be one big happy family. lol

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