Social Question

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

Women: Have you ever had a good male friend...and when he gets involved with someone else, your friendship suffers?

Asked by DarlingRhadamanthus (11213 points ) September 29th, 2010

It’s happened to me so many times that I thought I would ask. Or have you been friends with your ex-husband and then he gets involved, and the new woman can’t deal with your presence in his life?

I have had a lot of male, platonic friends. I have two or three that I would consider to be as close as brothers. I grew up with brothers, so I am very comfortable with platonic, male, friendship. We chat on the phone every other day, get together often, cry and laugh on the phone, give advice to each other, go on holiday, just about everything.

I always know when one becomes involved…he just stops calling, becoming totally enmeshed in the relationship. It’s strange, because you usually think only women do this. It bothers me because I never, ever let my relationship take over my life with my male or female friends. Friends are forever. I still call, make time to see them and continue to include them in my life.

What was really hard was when two men I had really long-term relationships left…and we parted in good terms and stayed friends. Then, they get involved with Miss Super-Jealous and I am no longer allowed to ever talk to them. (I am not referring to these, specifically by the way, I am referring to the regular male friends, I have mostly.)

Any experiences?

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13 Answers

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

I was best friends with this guy and we were really close like brother and sister and all of a sudden he got with this girl and she deleted my number out of his phone and everything and told him not to talk to me anymore. It really confused me because I obviously wasn’t a threat he called me his “lil sis” and i called him “big bro” I think the girl is a total wack job.

Trillian's avatar

Considering the fact that so many women can not be trusted, I don’t really blame the females. I had a best friend thing going with a guy for a few years. He taught me to play Guitar Hero. He was happy for me when I started seeing my now ex. We stayed friends when he started dating his now wife but we spent a lot less time together. We still are friends but I hardly ever see him. Maybe once in the past year or so. Maybe when we both finish going to school…

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I don’t have typical friendships or relationships, I suppose…however, my ex-husband’s new gf does find it weird that we can hang or that I’d invite her to my home. She’s, I guess, traditional.

Jeruba's avatar

Actually, no, just the opposite. My friendships with men have not only lasted but, I think, grown stronger when they were involved with women. I was the one they could talk to openly—and ask questions: “What does she mean when she…do you think I should…why doesn’t she…?” They didn’t have to worry about maintaining an image with me. (It would have been best if they’d been relaxed and honest with their girlfriends, too, but I wasn’t in charge of that.) The politics of sex were absent; we could just be people—friends—and not be constantly in the throes of some sort of negotiation.

I enjoyed those friendships too, for much the same reason, and never wanted to spoil them by letting a good friend turn into a boyfriend. Lovers are easy to come by, I used to say, but a good friend is a rare treasure.

One of those men is my friend to this day, well over 40 years and many respective partners later. Neither of us has ever been threatened or displaced by the other’s lovers or spouses. And nothing would ever induce us to marry each other.

BoBo1946's avatar

@Jeruba I’ve experienced that also as a male with female friends.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

One of my best friends has been dating a woman for the last few months and I don’t see or talk to him as much,but I am happy for him and I am sure I’ll see him again soon enough :)
Now my other friend,his wife is the one who put restrictions on our friendship.—or he was just pw’d—She only loosened the death grip on him after I got married.

CMaz's avatar

Depends on weather you want to compartmentalize people and relationships or your desire is for that person to be the other half of you.

I believe that the friendship will always be there. But it will/has changed. And for the better, for that person.

They now have someone fully in their life. That is a beautiful thing. Their association with you changed because of their devotion to the love in their life.
If that offends you or upsets you. Then you had or have had feelings that went beyond friendship.

The pitfall of men and women being friends. IF you see that individual as a friend. Always be happy for them.
I for one find great joy in a friend finding someone that loves them and that they love. SO much so that it is them two against the world.

THAT will never change you being their friend.

Sorry for chiming in, me being a dude.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

My best friend is a man and we’ve been close since we were probably 15 years old. Over the years he has dated some really crazy women, and one of them did the same thing to me and practically cut me out of his life. He quit calling, he wouldn’t return my messages, he really tried to avoid me for a long time. It hurt. After they broke up I came to find out that it was really her trying to push me out of his life, and I think he was so starved for love that he just went along with it.
He also started to do this to me when he found out that I was engaged. We finally talked about it somewhat recently and came to realise a few things about our relationship. Although we are and always have been platonic friends, it has always just been the two of us together over the years, because we have always been commitment phobic people. We often attended events as the other person’s date, essentially we did everything as a pair. It was a truly platonic relationship, but the dynamics of our friendship were difficult to balance with either of us in a relationship with someone else. Of course we have adjusted over the years and managed to come to a happy medium. Now he is seeing someone that he genuinely cares about (I believe this may be “the one” for him), and his behavior is not like it was with past relationships. If anything it feels like he is reeling me in closer. It took us years, but I think this is a hurdle we have finally managed to get over. Feels nice.

interweb's avatar

Like you, I’ve also grew up with brothers, and felt as if I was more compatible with males counterparts then to females. Human beings are jealous creators by nature. Although this is a rather vague statement, boys and girls cannot be friends with one another without falling in love (unless they already have a significant other). Don’t get me wrong, friendships can still exist between two genders, but it is harder to maintain without one developing feelings for another. I’ve been in a relationship where both sides of our friends, who were of the opposite gender, suffered because of this as well. I was afraid of losing him to them – and he was to mine. We were very open to sharing our thoughts and concerns, and had decided to make the decision to limit our time spent with the opposite genders to keep us both at peace.

If you were together for a long period of time and now no long partners, why would you feel the need to have his control? Trust takes time to gain but complete/absolute trust takes a lifetime to learn.

To me, if you were once couples at one certain point in time and were no longer now, you will always have memories of that time spend together. If someone else comes into your life, of course they will be upset if you were still so close to them. They are aware of the history shared between the two of you, and do not want to be reminded or compared to them.

You can never souley blame one person.

mollydrew's avatar

I hear you and understand, most of my friends are male it has always been that way. When they get a girlfriend I am forgotten, but when they need me I am always there for them. It is not that they no longer love me it’s not that they no longer want our friendship, it is how awkward they feel having a girlfriend and another girl in the picture. Jealousy is difficult to deal with when there is nothing to be jealous about.

sweetsugaryandohsohot's avatar

yeah once. she just cut in and i suddenly hadnt seen or heard from him for three weeks. i called and asked if he wanted to come over. he was taken every day by his gf. she ended up cheating on him. paybacks a bitch

newguy's avatar

Im sorry but I have to chime in here. First of all the only person that I think has a correct view on this is CMaz (the jellyfish pic) when people enter into a serious dating relationship the dynamics of their other opposite sex friendships can and “should” change. Now thats not to say that you will completely stop talking to your friend, that is ludicrous. but i truly believe it is no longer appropriate nor respectfull of your friend, his or her now partner and their new relationship to demand that they maintain the same level of friendship with you. This is really a common sense issue. If the shoe was on the other foot and you met someone that you really liked would you not be at least a little bothered if he/she still hung out on a regular basis together with their opposite sex friend?? The great thing about being in a romantic relationship with someone is that they become your “special someone” for lack of a better term. their need for opposite sex (companionship) is fullfilled or should be fullfilled within the bounds of that relationship. thats not to say that out in town at a party or group social gathering or whatever you cant say hi and catch up if you see your friend or that you can E mail,or call occasionally but i think that is as far as it needs to go and as their relationship progresses you need to back off.Anything more than that is crossing the line and can and usually does cause problems. IMO,what the original poster and some of what the other posters are saying sounds a lot more like the loss companionship and not just mere friendship which is on a different level . I would not even consider asking a female friend that had a boyfriend/husband to hang out one on one with me even if i had nothing other than honorable intentions because I just would not feel right about it.Its not respectfull to her bf/husband even if i new the guy and its just wrong. I really think if people will be honest with themselves they would bashing their ex BF/GF husband/wife’s new mate and calling them selfish or jealous.sorry about the sloppy punctuation, its late and im tired.

The_Invisible_Man's avatar

This always happens with me and a female friend I’m talking with. There’s no telling how many times it’s happened to me, and each time it’s like the female totally forgets about me. It’s at the point in my life where there’s no one left, but at least no one else will decide to leave my life because of someone else.

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