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chelle21689's avatar

Would you address this issue with your partner's family?

Asked by chelle21689 (5379 points ) July 28th, 2014

I haven’t posted anything related to my relationship in a long time so I was just wanting some insight, lol.

Every time my boyfriend’s sister goes out with her coworkers she always ends up drunk and needing a ride home. They get together once a year and the past 3 times she always ended up calling her brother (my boyfriend) and I to pick her up. So we just drop what we’re doing and pick her up…

It happened again on Saturday. I was super annoyed and I mentioned to my boyfriend I don’t mind us picking her up if she had asked beforehand and gave us a heads up but for us to drop what we’re doing and pick her up every time she’s out with them isn’t cool. LUCKILY we happened to be going home at the time she called us this time…Plus she has her sister and her boyfriend if she needs to. My boyfriend got a little defensive and he said if we happened to be busy next time, someone else can do it.

I highly doubt that because we’ve been the ones picking her up. I think it’s pretty sad if she can’t call her bf to pick her up. He was even hanging out with us at the time! She just asked us to avoid an argument.

I thought it was dumb my bf got defensive because this really isn’t acceptable if she expects us to drop what we’re doing. Next day she said “I feel bad that I ruined your night” and I’m thinking “Why do you do this then?”

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27 Answers

ibstubro's avatar

Is “Once a year” accurate, or a typo?

zenvelo's avatar

Once again, your boyfriend has sided with his sister rather than you. Realize now, as we have said before, she will always take priority in his life, so you ought to consider either :

a) accepting it now and don’t complain about it, or,

b) break up and find a healthy relationship where you are not an outsider to the family; find a boy friend who values you ahead of every one else in his family.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Don’t come between family, ever. If you were married, it would be your right to get involved.

livelaughlove21's avatar

Once a year? So, this has happened three times in the past three years? I’m not sure what the big deal is. It’s not like she does it every weekend.

On the other hand, I probably wouldn’t have gone and picked her drunk ass up any of those three times – I’m cold-hearted like that, and have no patience for drunk people. I’m nobody’s DD. My husband would feel the same way, whether it was someone in his family or someone in mine.

Cupcake's avatar

If it really wasn’t a big deal to go get her… then it’s just not a big deal. If you don’t want to get her, then don’t.

It will be very interesting to see if the next time she calls, you guys are busy. That will give you much insight into your significant other’s priorities.

jca's avatar

It sounds like the larger issue is her drinking.

I’m a little confused because in your details, you say “every time she is out with them” but then you say it’s a once a year gathering and it’s happened every time they’re out, which means once a year. Is it once a year? If so, then it doesn’t seem to me to be the biggest deal. However, if it’s like once a month, or once every two months, then yes, it would annoy the crap out of me, too. Which one is it?

CWOTUS's avatar

My advice would be to not mention things to your boyfriend when you’re “super-annoyed”. You think that you’ve removed all the heat and sting (that you feel) from what you say, but it just isn’t so. An utterance from a super-annoyed girlfriend always comes across as “attack”, and boyfriends always defend against “attack mode”.

Relax next time, count to a hundred, take a walk around the block, and then suggest – hours after you first felt super-annoyed, “Honey, I’d like to make a suggestion about how you can avoid getting me super-annoyed in this situation…”

Do not talk to boyfriends when super-annoyed. It’s damaging to the relationship. Better yet, try to avoid being super-annoyed in the first place – no one likes that! – but this is the next best thing.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Call a cab for her.

syz's avatar

“I can’t break away right now to pick you up, but tell me where you are and I’ll call you a cab.”

Buttonstc's avatar

If it’s only once a year, I honestly don’t see why that’s a problem for you.

Would you rather she gets in
her car and attempt to drive
home in that state? How would
you feel if someone lost their life?

At least she is doing the responsible thing. Believe me, there are FAR FAR worse problems people have with drunk relatives. Try to look at the bigger picture here and you may find your annoyance dissipates (unless you’re really subconsciously angling for a fight with your bf.)

Is it really worth it for a once- yearly occurence?

stanleybmanly's avatar

I would put emphasis on the answer from @ica . You may get the call a couple of times a year, but the fact that the drinker’s own boyfriend has issues with picking her up is a big red flag. Why not ask him about it? The brother’s willingness to field the distress calls is admirable, considering what might befall an inebriated woman on her own. It might very well be that the other sister is already involved in other rescue missions of which you are unaware. The key to a solution is to get a line on the drinking.

JLeslie's avatar

If it is once or twice a year I wouldn’t care and would be glad she called rather than drove home. Unless I felt like she was shitfaced drunk every weekend and once in a blue moon she called me/us. If I was annoyed with her drinking to begin with I would have a really low tolerance for involving me in any way. I tend to have a low tolerance for people who see the need to drink all the time though.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

Oh brother. Don’t get married if you can’t handle this.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@chelle21689 I do sympathize with the last-minute-drop-what-you’re-doing-and-pick-me-up-now, problem. Everyone, please note that she did say that if the sister made arrangements ahead of time she wouldn’t mind. But you’re in the middle of a nice dinner / movie / sex, and get that call…and it happens more than once. That would be annoying.

Can you tell her to made advance plans?

RedKnight's avatar

If it was more often I think this would be a big problem, but since it only happens once a year I don’t think it is a huge issue. Even still, dropping what your doing instantly to pick her up could be very irritating. I think the best way to handle the issue is to tell your boyfriend that you don’t mind picking her up, but you do mind dropping everything at the last minute to do it. That way, either he or you can talk to her about telling you in advance. How hard is it to tell someone you’re going out drinking and may possibly need a ride? I think if she makes plans in advance like others are saying, the problem will be resolved. Hope that helps.

JLeslie's avatar

@Dutchess_III It doesn’t really sound like the type of thing you can plan. I doubt @chelle21689, of she really thought about, would be ok with it even if it was planned ahead of time, but I can’t speak for her. I personally wouldn’t want to be a chauffeur for my SIL, unless she was under driving age (which I assume this chick isn’t, or didn’t have her own car she can use. Are all the friends she is with drinking? No one can be a designated driver? I’m assuming the SIL is also in her 20’s. I might feel differently if she is just a teenager.

ibstubro's avatar

As asked? No.

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Dutchess_III's avatar

That’s just what she said, @JLeslie, that she’d be OK with it if it was planned.

I still say, just call her a taxi.

JLeslie's avatar

@Dutchess_III I know she said it, but I really question whether she thought it through. If the SIL asks, it’s still going to interrupt her night with her boyfriend, it’s still going to be annoying I think if the SIL just expects her brother to always pick her up when asked. I could be wrong. Like I said, for me personally, if she is getting drunk all the time I would be annoyed with that to begin with whether she involved me or not. I don’t know how often she does go out like that.

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chelle21689's avatar

This is the first time I’ve seen the persisting questions…sorry if I was annoying…but now I am answering. It happens about each year, once or teice. But that’s not the point. The point is expecting everyone to drop things for her.

The other day she had her bf drop her off and ended up wanting us to drive her elsewhere because she didn’t want to drive again to save gas or whatever the point. We had plans so we tried to help her out without it affecting ua.

Point is it is annoying.

chyna's avatar

I think if she was a close friend, or if you really liked her, it would not be annoying at all. It shows that you dislike this girl and I would bet your boyfriend sees it too. He is very close to his sister and if she annoys you this much, you need to re-think your relationship because he will never choose you over his sister.

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