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aneedleinthehayy's avatar

Men need women to be clingy and whiny, women need men to be aloof and mean?

Asked by aneedleinthehayy (1191 points ) April 7th, 2009

I’ve started to develop this theory that, either by society causing it to happen or it’s biological, that in a relationship it is actually (sub-conciously) desired by the female for the male to be mostly, yet mildly, aloof and mean and that men (sub-conciously) desire women to be mostly, yet mildly, clingy and whiny. Yes, we obviously love it when our significant other is not these things, but think about it, wouldn’t constant love and adoration from your boyfriend be tiring? Or, wouldn’t an emotionally distant girlfriend get annoying?
Now I’m just typing thoughts as they come, and I’m pretty much generalizing males and females and how relationships work, but I’ve just wondered…Don’t we need things to be bad sometimes in order to truly appreciate the good?
Yes, too much clingyness and whining is ridiculous, and if a man is mean to the point of destroying your self esteem then you should get out of there, but, come on, doesn’t a little bit of that aloof persona keep you wanting, girls? And guys, isn’t that perfect amount of clinging and whining reasurring?
Of course, this just doesn’t relate to hetero-couples, same sex couples where each of them adheres the role of the male or female also count.
Share with me your thoughts, opinions and ideas my fellow fluthererererss.

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34 Answers

tinyfaery's avatar

Not many same sex couples adhere to gender roles; that is one thing that is so great about it. I do not expect my wife to be anything but what she is, and she feels the same towards me.

Even in my relationships with men, I never tolerated that aloof crap, and I hate whiny women so why would I be one? Plus, clingy? Most of my boyfriends would have complained that I didn’t need them enough. I’m not sure about your theory.

trumi's avatar

As sad as it is, there is a lot of truth to this. I’m a male, and a very emotional and romantic one. My girlfriend (cowgirl, daughter of a marine, catholic) broke up with me for being too “much”. She’s back now, because she missed me.

But my constant love and adoration drove her away, absolutely. And her apathy and emotional distance makes it really hard for me to like her so much. Except that, I think deep down I like girls that ignore me and make me work for it….

Tinyfaery is right that people ought to just be themselves, and if it works it works and if it doesn’t work it doesn’t work. But is there a subconscious want in men for a clingy girl, and in women for an aloof man? Yeah, I really think so.

Dr_C's avatar

I have been with Clingy girls and aloof girls and have myself ben aloof and clingy…. I think that at this point i’ve found a balance between the two. My fiancee is a little tiny bit lingy to the point where you almost don’t notice. I’m the hopeless romantic who works a lot so only has time to actually be romantic when i get to spend time with her. Not a bad thing. She’s not as clingy or aloof as the others i’ve dated…I’m not as aloof of clingy as i’ve been in thepast. like Goldy Locks and the bears… i think this time we got it just right.

Chattty1's avatar

I don’t know if this goes along so much to this, but I have a girlfriend who wants a “good guy” but is always attracted to the bad boys. Even though she is used and left degrated almost daily, her desire for these “mean” men never decreases. She has come to me a lot while in painful crying moments always with the question she knows the answer to on why she can’t seem to get a good guy. I think she would be bored in a “normal” relationship. I believe some people thrive on drama.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Not one man I’ve had a relationship with, either romantic or otherwise, appeared to need a woman to be whiny or clingy. Granted, it’s anecdotal, but it seems to me that the men I know are all, to a man, annoyed with such women.

And I can only speak for myself, but I’ve well gotten over the aloof man. It’s of that “I wouldn’t be a member of any club that would have me as a member” mentality,” and I learned (painfully) that pursuing such men meant that I wasn’t valuing myself very much. Now, guys like that turn me off and makes me wonder what it is they’re so insecure about that they have to behave that way toward people.

squirbel's avatar

Hmm, both me and my fiance are clingy. It works out. we’re not whiny – we just talk things through. We both have our aloof moments, and they coincide very well so that the other doesn’t feel ignored… and meanness has no place in this relationship – although it has surfaced occasionally.

There will be bad times in a good relationship. I’ve spoken with several couples who were married for more than forty years. Each has said that love is ever-growing, and it has its seasons. There are times where you are head over heels in love, and others where you question why you ever even married this person. Braving through the stormy times is what makes each sunny time brighter.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Not true at all, for myself.

There is nothing better in my mind than two people being able to openly express their love for each other, for what it is, without having to worry or over-analyze, “Oh my god! What will they think of me?!”. Um… You’re in love. Calm the fuck down and be okay with showing it.

In making sweeping generalizations, there’s a lot you have to look at. Like… Maybe it seems that women want men who are aloof and mean, only because they’ve already fallen in love with a man who may or may not have shown those tendencies to begin with, but stay with him because they already love him and want to work on the relationship. I do not believe, for a second, that anyone truly wants to be treated like shit in a relationship, in any way.

Or maybe it seems that men want clingy women because they have such low self-esteem to begin with that they need constant reassurance that they’re loved?

Or maybe men and women are so screwed up that they think they have to adhere to given social norms that they actively try to be “male” or “female”, when truly, there is no such thing.

alossforwords's avatar

Clingy and whiney seem like really immature terms. Both people should want to spend time together. Both people should communicate. But I kind of understand the “mean” thing because when women whine around me, I am forced by my natural instincts to tell them to shut the hell up.

ninjacolin's avatar

lol, i must say i’m not very confident in the lack of clingyness or whinyness or aloofness or meaness that any of you claim to have. i think people tend to minimize their perceived “negative” attributes. often, even when you’re trying to be as fair and hypothetical as @aneedleinthehayy was trying to be, people get offended and they somehow believe they are “better” than they are.. when it comes to the things they perceive as “good” however, they usually exaggerate the quality. people tend so often to be disingenous about these thigns (absentmindedly forgetting their bad points and inflating their good points) that you end up not getting an answer to such question at all.

mostly though, I think people just have no idea how they seem in the opinion of others (who, if you asked them about yourself, would probably minimize your bad points in order to save your sense of self, ha)

lol, just a side note.

lifeflame's avatar

I think it depends on where you are emotionally in life.
Sure, aloofness can create mystery and it can be really nice to be wanted.
I think, though, it’s one thing to be attracted to and another to build a strong long term relationship; and both aloofness, meanness and the capacity to whine undermine the quality of the relationship in the long run.
I don’t think they are necessarily confined to gender roles either.

cak's avatar

Interesting, maybe it is true for some.

In my case, I think my husband and I had enough of all of that in our first marriages, that now, we don’t want the melodrama. However, when I am weak, he is strong and vice versa – what I think we need, is someone to be there to give us a boost, every now and then. It scares him if he comes home to me falling apart and a blubbering mess! He doesn’t know where to begin!

Mean? No thanks, had that the first time around.

Sloane2024's avatar

I’m not in the least bit whiny or clingy…
My SO is the absolute opposite of mean and aloof…

Most days, I just think, “Wow, I am the luckiest girl in the world to be blessed with such a wonderful boyfriend who sends me sweet and thoughtful messages just because he loves me, puts me in front of everything and everyone even though he shouldn’t, and takes the time to do the little things he knows mean so much to me.”

But, on occasion, I wish he had a little more of a “manly” side (i.e. the “mean” and “aloof” mentioned above), but I’m sure he often would prefer for me to be a little more clingy than I am…

When I have my moments like that, I just remember the reasons why I love him: For who he is, not who I wish he was.

Amoebic's avatar

The generalized behaviors seem immature and two-dimensional. I don’t think this is a normal dynamic for mature, involved relationships.

mattbrowne's avatar

Here’s my opinion:

Evolution tells a different story when looking at the deeper instincts:

Men look for women who are healthy and strong and capable of bearing many healthy children. Women look for men who are capable of supporting a family.

Culture and the rational brain can change certain perceptions of course.

elijah's avatar

I don’t need a man to take care of me but I do want a man to take care of me. I like a healthy balance. I want a man that can cuddle and show emotion, but I also want a man that is tough and will protect me. I like to be treated like a princess. I have no problem taking care of myself and I’m not clingy. I don’t like clingy guys. Call it old fashioned, but I don’t have a problem with certain gender roles.

Linda_Owl's avatar

Absolutely NOT.

Triiiple's avatar

Women love guys who are cocks.

TjHare's avatar

Definetely true. On the larger scale, I think: Girls like jerkoffs who will use them, and guys want giddy innocent girls who arent lose. I think most people compartmentalizes between people that they want to f^ck, and people they want to have love them, people who seem to be taught to have their cake and eat it too. Maybe the answer lies in understanding what people learn from gender roles as children, teenagers, and young adults.

SeventhSense's avatar

Women respond to a man who is indifferent because it turns on their seduction switch and triggers attraction -the alpha male archetype. Men respond to a receptive female as nurturing and caring. A good candidate for his children. An aloof indifferent woman does not bode well as a future mother.

But in reality she can be a warm person and still be strong and independent. Likewise a man can be confident, brave and still nurturing. Daddy’s little girl is a perfect example.

rexpresso's avatar

Those behaviours are extremes, unhealthy extremes of predominant personality styles. Probably on KWML people doing these things have a very unbalanced percentage of one of the quadrants. KWML? Yes KWML — A personality test. I started a debate about it here: http://www.fluther.com/disc/47431/what-do-you-think-of-the-kwml-personality-test — I think it has a lot of relevance. Good night, 5:42 AM and I’m going to bed ;-)

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

As twisted and unhealthy as it is, yes, I think a lot of people feel this way. I know I do. And I’m trying to fix it. But something about a guy that gives his complete attention to a girl and constantly gives her compliments and makes her feel as if she can do no wrong is unattractive! That’s not sexy. He needs to have a manly side too. I like to work for my attention.

ponderopus's avatar

heh, I actually have something I wrote prior that seems quite applicable: [edited]

What is the relationship among love, fear, power, and control? First let us define each. We must also define, compare, and contrast the ultimate dance of pleasure interwoven with pain.
Love is a showing of immense and extreme fondness, caring, concern, and valuing of some thing. It is a deep positive feeling.
Fear: An emotional response to threats or danger. Threats and danger are negative impacts on an object’s being.
So here we find a yin and yang. Two emotions that encompass the broad realm of fear and love, some would say the ultimate extremes of human emotion: pleasure and pain.

Pleasure: Is a positive experience.

Pain: Is a negative experience.

Pleasure is commonly experienced by mankind from having love for another and or being loved.

Pain is commonly experienced by mankind from having fear of another or being feared unwillingly.
If one agrees with the above formula, then one would then move to the assumption that if the two cause and effect pairings were switched, to indeed pair pain with love and fear with pleasure, then positive feelings could be gained from both pain and fear.
Power is a measure of an entity’s ability to control the environment around itself, including the behavior of other entities.
To control is to exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct.
Trust is a prediction of reliance on an action, based on what a party knows about the other party.
Submission is the act of yielding to some power or authority figure.
So if we can combine all of these, one can gain pain and love and pleasure and fear from submitting the control of their life, or some facets thereof, by trusting in the power of another being.
I have found that a couple can together create love based on fear and pleasure in pain by connecting. So far, me and my favorite specimen of the male gener have made great and ethereal connections mentally, physically, emotionally, and very much so sexually. I now want for us to connect spiritually.
This collaring (insert marriage, dating, obnoxiously cute and obsessive txtings shared interruptively with- even when not asked for or wanted by – friends) ritual symbolizes the linking of our souls, our entities, and our beings into one. Our energies do and will continue to strive to bond on higher and higher levels, where we will form our perceptions of reality with a common mind and common heart. In doing so, I can fully release myself to him.
Holding nothing back means being able to restrain from fear of pain linked with or in the presence of him. I feel comfort, love, protection, and yearning for him at all times, and at all times my collar will be an externally bound symbol of my love, devotion, and trust in him. (My opinions on how this relates to womens tendencies to be labeled by people [regardless of the observant’s own gender] as “clingy” and “whiny”, and in turn, how this works, as can be observed in many current cultures, quite successfully – if “a happy medium exists” in the presense of men who are commonly labeled (in contexts both negative and positive) “aloof” and “mean”. ) ....He will know all I know, and by relinquishing my knowledge of my reality to him, I thereby sacrifice my control on reality. He is now able to reimprint my interpretations of fear and pain, and enables me to receive pleasure from previously painful experiences.
I, myself, will walk as an emblem of our higher love, allowing all to see the twinkle in my eye as I flaunt my ever-living desire to be near him and please him. The constant reminder of my submission will exist in the burning ring around my neck, producing glimpses of his hands there, and smiling about those future occurrences.
My greatest pleasure comes from pleasing him, it turns me on. So now I get the pleasure of constantly living in a state of spiritual excitement, as I know I have secrets shared with him that would make the masses blush and titter. And so it goes, that I will every day be turned inside out, with all of my scars and vulnerabilities exposed like a live nerve, ever anticipating.

w2pow2's avatar

Oh good god I’ve had a girlfriend who had NO emotional attachment whatsoever… Nothing is more of a turn-off for men.

lostinyoureyes's avatar

@w2pow2 – How did you become a couple then? Did she show any kind of romantic emotion towards you?

w2pow2's avatar

@lostinyoureyes
We just clicked. After we started dating for awhile she started to finally show some romantic emotion towards me. Now that I look back I realize that I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
But we fought constantly. Her beliefs were polar opposite to mine.
We broke up, then after six months we got back together again. We ticked each other off and broke up again.
Love/hate relationship. I loved it and I hated it.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

Hmm….I’ve never heard of a man who likes a woman to be whiney and clingy….at all. Men? I don’t like them whiney and clingy, that’s for sure. But mean? Uh, no. Yes, a lot of women like “alpha males” like say…Simon Cowell. But the truth about Cowell is that he is a marshmallow inside (what women like…tough exteriors, but soft interiors.)

Every relationship has an “alpha” in it. It may sometimes be the female and sometimes the male. The trick is to find an alpha and a beta. For example, I have a female friend who works full-time and has a husband who is more creative and nurturing. It works like a dream. But two alphas will be at each other’s throats….competitive, sniping, fighting. Two Betas will spend all their time dreaming.

Women do not like “mean” men. If they do, they are attracted for all the wrong reasons and need to figure out what that’s about for them.. They also do not like “clingy” men that are smothering, either. If you are a “nice” guy who is asking this question for yourself….stop being smothering. When either sex is smothering and clingy…it’s not attractive. It’s desperate. So, yes, back off and allow things to take their course naturally.

Dr_C's avatar

@DarlingRhadamanthus welcome to fluther :)

w2pow2's avatar

I don’t get a welcome?
Is it because I’m white? Be honest now….

Dr_C's avatar

@w2pow2 welcome to you too!

isquidly's avatar

i deeeffinitely agree to this….jesus your question is exactly what ive been thinking about. after 7 months of being nice and doing things and going out of my way to put my gf first….she “got tired of it” and moved on…..the whole time she was “aloof” which made me bitch about it….jeez i was the girl in the relationship..sumtimes you just gotta be mean! too much niceness isnt a good thing.

jackfright's avatar

Women probably don’t need men to be aloof and mean, but they seem to prefer it.

Ron_C's avatar

I’ve had it wrong all of these years, I like my women aloof and mean. (ask my wife)

Ben_Dover's avatar

OMIGOD…This is totally insane. These kinds of people are what is known as CO-DEPENDENTS!

Coloma's avatar

I agree 100% with @Ben_Dover

Horrible, dysfunctional, emotionally messed up ‘relating’ skills.

Healthy, growth oriented and honest relationship partners don’t play f—ked up, stereotyped, childish games with each other.

Gah!

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