General Question

hatingdivorce's avatar

Why wont he spend the night?

Asked by hatingdivorce (13 points ) May 23rd, 2009

my husband and i have been divorced for over a year, but have still been hooking up. he has spent the night with me a few times, but refuses when i ask him to come stay again. why? he says it may be emotional. i dont understand. i try to be “cool” about it and i definately dont bring up the past. what could be more emotional than having sex with your ex? its just a bed / sleep thing right? what am i not seeing?

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22 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

sounds like the two of you aren’t on the same wavelength – to you, it may be nothing, but to him, these nights may hold much more emotional tension

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Maybe he’s sleeping with someone else and feels too guilty to be that intimate with you because of it.

Or @Simone_De_Beauvoir is right. Who initiated the divorce? He could be wanting more than is available to him.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Maybe staying the night makes it a relationship, and otherwise it’s just a hook-up.

DarkScribe's avatar

Don’t you recognise a booty call when you see one? He wants one thing but not another is the most probable reason. I have heard a similar complaint from many recently separated or divorced couples. One of the guys who I used to work with did this with his wife for a couple of years, would go visit if he couldn’t get laid elsewhere, but was magically divorced again once the sun came up. She put up with in the hopes of a reconciliation.

hug_of_war's avatar

You should probably stop hooking up with your ex.

augustlan's avatar

Stop it, right now. Just don’t do it anymore.

figbash's avatar

He’s probably seeing it more clearly than you; there are serious strings attached in this kind of arrangement and he’s choosing to stay away rather than make things complicated by what appears to be ‘easy’ sex.

Continuing this set-up will only lead to more problems, so you should definitely not see this as a rejection of you, but rather, a rejection of the situation – and then move on so you both can heal.

justwannaknow's avatar

His other woman will not let him.

Supacase's avatar

My best guess is this is a booty call situation. He tells you it may be too emotional to stay in order to not hurt your feelings.

hatingdivorce's avatar

you all are probably right…i should stop hooking up, but i like the convience also. i still have hopes of getting back together, so i guess that is why i let it happen. its just hard to see when your blind!

augustlan's avatar

Looking at my answer, it was pretty harsh – and unnecessarily so. I apologize. I just think it’s a really bad idea to still be sleeping with your ex over a year after your divorce. The fact that you still have hopes of getting back together just reaffirms that. Please do whatever you need to in order to move on with your life. Good luck!

Kelly27's avatar

It sounds like he might just be in it for the sex and he knows if he stays the night with you it will give you false hope that he wants to rekindle the relationship, which from what you said sounds like what you do want.

CMaz's avatar

Sounds like it has to be on his terms. Him being in control, gives him the feeling that he can also control his emotions.

evolverevolve's avatar

cause he just wants to bang. nuff said.

chyna's avatar

Sounds like he just wants sex and no strings. Do you guys ever go out to dinner or anything else? Or is it just sex late at night and then he leaves? If so, he probably isn’t wanting to get back with you, so maybe you should re-think letting him come over.

cak's avatar

Oh wow. This is just nothing but trouble. Truly, it’s just sex for him. Nothing more. Do yourself a huge favor and the next time he calls, shows up or whatever it is that he does to indicate that he wants to have sex with you….tell him you have other plans. Do not continue this, it is going to end badly and with you hurt. He’s getting exactly what he wants.

End this!

CMaz's avatar

Tell ya what…. WARNING: Don’t read what is next!
Don’t douche, go jogging, don’t wipe after you pee. And do not take a shower.
Let’s see if it is love after all..

chyna's avatar

@ChazMaz A little over the top.

CMaz's avatar

Ok, my bad.

FreddieMack's avatar

If he gives you a high five instead of a kiss before he leaves he’s gay.

sleepygirl's avatar

I wish I could say it sounds like he’s emotionally involved because it sounds like that’s what you really want. Unfortunately, I have to agree with most everyone else. He doesn’t stay because he doesn’t want to, not because it’s too hard for him.

I suspect there’s an easiness between you two. You know each other so well that having sex is comfortable and satisfying. But, because there were problems which lead to a divorce, it sounds like your relationship is just slowly winding down. Because you want a full-fledged relationship, I think you need to get out of your current situation. Only then can you really move on and find someone who wants to spend not just the night with you, but a lifetime! And, there is someone out there for you. You just won’t find him until you make up your mind to stop having sex with your ex. (Of course, you know any new guy would not want to date you while you continue to have relations with your ex). And you really don’t want your ex to make the decision to end your arrangement when he finds someone new. That will really hurt your self esteem.

You sound like a loving and caring person. Take better care of yourself (you deserve it!) and find someone who loves and cares for you.

75movies's avatar

I think you might be able to answer the question better than we can. So Hatingdivorce, make yourself comfortable on the couch. And whenever you’re ready please tell us why YOU think he wont spend the night?

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