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wundayatta's avatar

What do you think of this advice?

Asked by wundayatta (58377 points ) August 18th, 2009

My 13 year old daughter is a bit of a “Dear Abby” for her friends. So she has an “advice column” of sorts. Someone asked her what she should do if her boyfriend went out on a date with her best friend.

My daughter said, to summarize, that she should dump the boyfriend and forgive the bf, after talking to her. I guess she believes that boys come and go, but friends are for forever.

So what do you think of this advice? Would you be as forgiving if your bf went out with your boy or girlfriend? What would it take to be able to forgive the bf? Is this sensible advice for a novice teen?

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26 Answers

marinelife's avatar

Not bad at all. I think I might consider dumping them both.

Sampson's avatar

Chicks before dicks.

YARNLADY's avatar

I don’t think you have worded your question correctly.

Facade's avatar

Sound advice from a smart girl. although when it comes to serious, marriage-bound relationships, the relationship comes first in my book

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

I would say that neither are very considerate of anyone’s feelings but their own.

bcstrummer's avatar

I’m the same way, but I’m a guy, really that advice does work but she couldve chosen to tell her to confront her boyfriend about the date, to tellya the truth, with every situation there comes a variety of options, just to choose one is either total chance or knowledge from experience, and she’s only 13 so I’d just take it with a grain of salt

eponymoushipster's avatar

if tv and movies have taught me anything, it’s that what you’re supposed to do is dump them both and start befriending the town’s lovable loser, who turns out to be a really great guy, and knows the true meaning of friendship.

obviously your daughter needs to watch more TV.

tinyfaery's avatar

The relationship with the boyfriend and the friend need to be examined. I think it’s decent advice for teens who can’t always appreciate all the aspects of an issue.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

A friend who would go out with your boyfriend is not much of a friend. Free choice is always present; no one “made” the friend go out with the boyfriend.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I feel the same, most lovers move through our lives and some become friends but great friends are pretty much forever.

filmfann's avatar

I have been thru this more than once, and my advice is to dump them both.

YARNLADY's avatar

@eponymoushipster And yet again living in a TV world

FlutherMother's avatar

I have to heartily agree with those who said to dump them both. If the best friend went out with a known boyfriend, she is really not a friend at all. @daloon commend your daughter for me. I am sure that by listening to other people’s issues, she is learning just as much by giving the advice as those who receive it.

Zen's avatar

Only if it’s your really BFF.

;-)

aprilsimnel's avatar

If your best friend starts dating your SO? Then they both have shown that you aren’t very important to them, and have kind of given you the big raspberry, haven’t they? They’ve already let you go. So you’re done with the both of them. @daloon, your daughter gave solid advice.

Malcrony's avatar

It’s a pretty good idea “boys come and go, friends are forever” and at that age, It’s great advice. Now, at our age. it’s not that good of an idea, because both the boyfriend and best friend know that the boyfriend already has someone else. What’s worse is that someone is you, the best friend of the person to whom you’ve lost your boyfriend, even if it’s for this one night.

Would I forgive my girlfriend if she went out with my best friend? No, not really… not the cold hearted way, I would look at the facts. What did they do? where did they go? was it wrong? And make sure everything fits together… if I find it disrespectful I break up the relationship and just/try to move on.

Darwin's avatar

I agree with @Malcrony in that at age thirteen your BFF should mean a whole bunch more than a boyfriend. However, at that age sometimes your BFF is your BFF one day but sitting at a different lunch table the next.

So ditch the boyfriend and make sure you have several BFFs, in case you decide to ditch the boy-stealer and need support. That is, if you are 13 years old.

InkyAnn's avatar

i think all ppl make mistakes and should be givin second chances, and it depends on how close they are.

first of all the boyfriend/girlfriend is gone…

second i have a friend i call my bf but i havent seen her in about 4 months cuz she lives in another state so it really does depend on how close the friends actually are, me personally, if this was my bfs first offense i would forgive and forget. if it was the second or third…good bye bf…

and if shes 13 holy cow id be so proud to call her my daughter!!!!

cak's avatar

For a 13 year old, it’s age-appropriate advice. One does need to consider why the best friend would do out with the boyfriend, though. Is that really something a best friend would do?

I ran this by my 15 yr old…she said dump both of them, be civil, explain that she wishes them well, but wants to know that friends are truly considerate of each others feelings. She then said that the “injured” (for lack of a better word…major brain fart) should move on and let go of the anger, if there is any.

dee1313's avatar

I suppose it really depends on what happened on the ‘date’ and what they feel qualifies as a date. I’d say it’d be a bit weird for them to go out alone, but maybe it wasn’t intensionally a date. I wouldn’t go as far as to dump someone over it, especially if nothing happened.

First off, the original person should have explained to both that this makes him/her uncomfortable. I’ve never liked the ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ thing, and that advice is a watered down version of that.

If the best friend knew the original person was dating that guy (and what best friend wouldn’t?), and it was an intentional date for the purpose of starting a romantic relationship, then the original person should dump them both. If you can’t trust your boyfriend not to chase other girls, you should dump him. If you can’t trust your best friend to chase your boyfriend(s), then you need to find a new best friend.

But before you start dumping people, you need to remember that people make mistakes, especially when they’re young. No one is perfect. Sometimes people deserve a second chance, but only if they understand where they make the mistake and are actually sorry for it. Sometimes a break is needed.

To me, it sounds like advice a 13 year old would give. Not bad, but the way its described it doesn’t seem too well thought out either.

derekpaperscissors's avatar

The thing about advice is, it’s easy to give out, but hard to follow… especially when you’re in that situation already.
Emotions vs Logic come into play and I’ve seen (even experienced myself) many a case where the right thing to do isn’t what ends up in the doing part.

OpryLeigh's avatar

I wouldn’t be able to forgive either. Friends may be forever but a friend would not do that and so I would get rid of so called “friend” as well as the boy/girlfriend.

JLeslie's avatar

I would dump them both at least temporarily. It is such a young age that over time I probably would “forgive and forget” for both of them if they made an attempt later to be friends again. When I say time, I think it would be a minimum of a year, but eventually it would be a non-issue.

If I was 20+ years old and it happened I don’t think I would ever forgive it.

tramnineteen's avatar

I fully agree with the dump the boy. I would have to know more about the girl to decide if it is a good idea to continue to be friends with her, though either way forgiving her is the right thing to do, even if you stop being close friends.

tiffyandthewall's avatar

well i don’t know about in that context – at 13, in those specific relationships, etc – but i think in general, that’s the best thing to do. however i think it does say something about the best friend who dated that girl’s current boyfriend. i personally wouldn’t want much to do with a friend who i couldn’t trust (at least for awhile).
sure, ‘friends are forever’, but if that friend proves to not be much of a friend…

notabridesmaid's avatar

I would forgive them both. But let them both go. I think its ok to forgive someone when they have wronged you but that doesn’t meant they should be allowed to keep the role that they had before.

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