Do you believe that "A cheater is always a cheater?"?

No, I don’t believe this. Because believing it would mean believing that people can’t change. It might be true that some people can’t change, but I think it’s false on the face of it to assume that all people can’t change…

No. I used to cheat on everybody, but I have been faithful to my wife for over 8 years. However, if the consequences of cheating are such that one’s life isn’t greatly impacted, then there is really no reason to change.

Yes, you can’t turn a ho into a househusband.

No, I’ve cheated. But I could never fathom even WANTING to cheat on my boyfriend, much less actually doing it.

This comment is usually based upon the assumption that a person can somehow change a cheater when the only person who can change a cheating person’s ways is the cheater themselves.

@tinyfaery I really like the last part of your answer, and I think that’s a big part of it. I do believe that people can change, and that people are not always cheaters- however, I do feel like there needs to be consequences and I think the cheater needs to realize why they cheated, and what can be done to change that.

With very few exceptions. Cheating is a moral issue and morals are pretty much a lifelong thing once you reach adulthood. A person might stop cheating because of a fear of losing the relationship, but that isn’t change – that is caution.

@DarkScribe: That’s not always the case. Sometimes one’s feelings are much stronger than their morals.

There are two types of cheaters. The serial cheater that will never change their ways and the one time cheater that made the biggest mistake of their life at the lowest point in their life and knows that they would never do that again to their loved one. So no, I don’t believe in the saying “once a cheater always a cheater”.

@poofandmook That’s not always the case. Sometimes one’s feelings are much stronger than their morals.

If you act on feelings, if you cheat on your partner, you have no morals. Morals are not a convenience that stretch on special occasions.

@DarkScribe: Absolutely not true. I have morals. People make mistakes.

@poofandmook Absolutely not true. I have morals. People make mistakes.

Breaking a moral code is not a “mistake”.

@DarkScribe: I hope you enjoy being so close-minded and self-righteous.

@poofandmook I hope you enjoy being so close-minded and self-righteous.

I have an open mind – I even grasp the concept of morals. Some people don’t it seems.

As for self righteous, I didn’t create the moral codes, I just learned to recognise them. I didn’t even say that I abide by them. Morals are concerned with the principal of behaviour, of right and wrong, of goodness of character. You can no more bend a moral code than you can be a “a little bit pregnant”. You either abide by a moral code or you don’t.

@DarkScribe: you can break the moral code and still have morals. It’s called a mistake. An error in judgment.

I have morals. Just because you think cheating is immoral doesn’t make it so.

@poofandmook you can break the moral code and still have morals. It’s called a mistake. An error in judgment.

No it isn’t. If you are aware of it at the time, it is not a mistake. If you fall off the roof and into someone’s bed, maybe a mistake – if you stay there it isn’t. Cheating on a partner is a very big breach of ethical, moral behaviour, not a minor transgression – and NEVER a mistake. A person who truly has morals doesn’t cheat – end of story.

If they are so attracted to someone else that they can’t resist – they are honest about it, they end one relationship and begin another. They don’t cheat. Cheating and a true moral standards are incompatible.

pretty much . . . .

@jonsblond There are two types of cheaters…

That I agree with, which is why I said “with very few exceptions” Some people can opt to never cheat again. Most can’t. It depends very much on the motivation for cheating – if it is casual lust, then not likely, if it was more emotional and they recognise what they might be losing, then possible.

Personally I believe that if you cheat on someone you are very likely to cheat on that same person again because, chances are (and I know this isn’t the case for everyone), you don’t love that person enough to stay faithful.

However, I believe that just because you cheat on one person doesn’t mean that you are likely to cheat on everyone. As a few people have said, when the right person comes along you are less likely to cheat. If you feel the need to cheat on someone then they obviously aren’t the right person for you.

In my experience, it is true.

My 2nd wife cheated on everybody she dated before me, then she cheated on me. I kept her, then five years later, she cheated again. She’s gone now.

More than 20 years ago, before I married my 1st wife, I had a gf who cheated on me, so I dumped her. Recently, after separating from my 2nd wife, that ex-gf tracked me down to apologize. The 22-year make-up sex was great! She left her husband a few weeks later.

@Leanne1986 However, I believe that just because you cheat on one person doesn’t mean that you are likely to cheat on everyone.

It has a lot to do with whether you regard yourself as committed or not. If you don’t, and you haven’t led your current partner to believe that you are – that is a different thing. This is a part of what dating used to be, then suddenly it got to a “relationship” (committed implied) once your reached a sexual stage. When I was younger you would be regarded as crazy if you committed to one person too quickly. The expression “My best girl/guy” has been around for close to a century – people used to date lots of other people simultaneously then settle on one. I am not sure when that stopped.

I cheated on my ex wife. She never knew. I feel I did if because something was lacking in our relationship. Not an excuse.

My previous girlfriend. I would not and could not cheat on her. I was so into her.
She was very open sexually and had no problem with me being with another woman if I wanted to.

As much as she tried to convince me it was even a turn on for her. I could not and would not do it.
Now her, another woman and me together. That was ok.

I think that it all depends on the type of person they are. A person could vow never to cheat again after one time (and truly mean it) while another could get a “thrill” from it and always be a cheater.

The term “once a cheater always a cheater” is a stereo-type. A group that all cheaters do not belong in. – LB

it’s about emotional maturity. I used to cheat on everyone too, now I wouldn’t even think of it .

I feel similar to @tinyfaery
I was definitely a cheater. But now I’m married and the thought doesn’t even cross my wife.
I figured out WHY I was cheating, once I healed that part it made having a healthy relationship much easier.

Personally I look at it in broader terms – once a liar always a liar sorta thing. This is assuming the parties involved are out of their teens and have reached a certain level of maturity blah blah.

I can’t help but think that cheaters will always be cheaters. This is mostly my defense mechanism. A friend of mine is head overs heels about a guy who is a serial cheater and who has been stringing her along. I don’t ever want to get caught up in that kind of emotional mess and to be honest, if my boyfriend ever did cheat on me, I don’t know how long it would take for trust to go back to normal, if ever. It’s just such a damaging situation to be in. It feels safer to say “cheaters are always cheaters, if he cheats on you, dump his ass and move on, don’t let it fester” than to think he might have made a mistake and will not ever do it again, I hope I hope.

As a topic of debate, I know that it is possible for cheaters to be one-timers. But in real life, I don’t like dealing with cheaters because it will hurt too much.

@casheroo I loved that you said “the thought doesn’t even cross my wife” :)

When I was 18–19, I was dating someone for a few months while at college and there was certainly an emotional attachment. Because we were not in a committed relationship, I went home for the summer and started seeing someone else. I deliberately covered up this relationship when talking to my college boy, but eventually I came to my moral senses and revealed what I had done. While we were able to preserve our relationship, even deciding to be in a committed relationship (which last 2 years and is my longest relationship to date), the consequences of my actions (while not exactly cheating, but certainly too close for comfort) and realizing why I did that were enough for me to never travel down that path again.

@rockstargrrrlie lol well, you read what I write a lot..I apparently always mix words up haha. I meant mind, but after reading @tinyfaery‘s I was in a “wife” mode lol

@casheroo That’s how I took it, and actually thought it was kind of cute that your mix-up implied why you no longer cheat…or something, haha.

I cheated on people before. It was wrong, I knew it, but I did it anyway. Partially because I was young and full of hormones, and partially because, well, apparently they weren’t the right sort of person for me. I looked for opportunities, and I found them.

Now I am married. I found the “right sort” for me and I have no realistic desire for anyone else. (Sure, there are some celebrities that are cute, but you know what I mean.) I am given the things I need in this relationship, so I don’t feel that I need to get them in someone else’s bed. As a result, I don’t put myself in harm’s way by looking around to cheat. And if I’m not looking, chances are, I will not find.

Sure, cheaters can stop cheating. They just need to want to stop, to have a reason to stop. I found mine. :)

I’m going to go with an at least 98% yes on this one.

@ru2bz46 see, see what I mean? humphf

It depends on the person. Some cheat, feel terrible, and never cheat again. Some are serial cheaters.

@hungryhungryhortence I don’t entirely remember disagreeing on this point. She’s still a MUCH better person than before; she’s just still a cheater, which at least worked to my benefit this time around. ;-)

@ru2bz46: dirty ;p

@hungryhungryhortence It’s my turn. :D

@ru2bz46: yeah, yeah, yeah- we all have to see what it’s like to walk on the darkside. Gawds help me but I think I even encouraged you!

@hungryhungryhortence Well, you know I’ve always looked up to you…

Is cheating on someone you are not married to different than cheating on a marriage partner? If you are not married, is there an implied lesser level of commitment, and therefore “cheating” is an acceptable behavior? (I guess what this gets down to is, if you don’t make a promise, is it okay to break an implied but non-verbalized promise?)

@PandoraBoxx: I personally believe cheating is cheating if you’ve agreed to an exclusive relationship. I also believe a single person who’s involved with a non single person is just as much a cheater.

@PandoraBoxx No, I think cheating is cheating…it just sucks more when you’re married because you can’t just leave..you’ve got all that damn paperwork to fill out.

@PandoraBoxx I agree with @hungryhungryhortence on both points.

In the case I mentioned above (where I slept with my married ex gf), my ex was already on the fence about leaving her husband, and I felt really bad for him when I slept with her. It was one of the more painful things I’ve watched to see him post sweet notes on her Facebook wall when I knew she was going to leave him within days. (No, she didn’t leave him for me, nor because of me.)

Negative. I cheated on my last girlfriend to get with my current one. We’ll have been together for 3 and a half years on the 24th and would never in a million years consider doing anything to hurt her in any way.

It always bothers me that people tend to see this issue in such moralistic terms. It is black and white, leaving little room for nuance.

Cheating is not usually one person’s problem. It’s both people’s problem. Unfortunately most couples seek to pin blame on one person or another (but not both), and in the blame game, yeah, once a cheater, always a cheater, because the problems that lead to the cheating never get solved. People are more interested in being right than in having a lasting relationship or in fixing their problems.

If both parties of a couple can open up, and discuss honestly what they want and what they are missing (usually a feeling of true intimacy, of truly being accepted and loved, no matter what), then trust can be rebuilt. As long as people stay open to each other and connected at a deep emotional level, there probably won’t be any further cheating.

Then again, there are other reasons to cheat. Some people have problems believing themselves lovable. Some are mentally ill. Some are obsessed with sex. Some constantly need new people to fall in love with them because they need constant validation of their lovability, and the love of one person at a time just isn’t enough.

Lot’s of problems. Few figure them out, fewer work on them, and fewer still manage to fix what is wrong.

Some people may believe they are polyamorous people in a monogamous world. Some may believe that you can love more than one person. Some may not feel safe with anyone unless they have sex with them. Some may not be able to rely on only one person for the love they need or want.

From what I’ve heard, there’s a lot more cheating going on than people admit to (which is understandable). We often see it in politicians—the most avid anti-cheaters often seem to be the biggest cheaters. Who knows how many of us are hypocritical this way?

Personally, I think we would be better off if we could find a way to reduce the rabidity of the moral rhetoric. I wish we could be more forgiving, in general. I think it would make it easier to stop being a cheater, once one is a cheater. I think that the moral didacticism actually creates more cheating than it prevents.

I doubt if many people even try to understand what motivates cheaters. The very word “cheater” discourages that. It’s cheating, pure and simple.

I’m a horrible person (quite immoral) that way. I’ve never been completely faithful. So maybe the saying is true in my case. But I still think I have a lot to offer my spouse, or anyone else who I might, some day, have an intimate relationship with. If I feel like I need more love than I’ve got, even if that love is as deep as can be, then I’ve got a problem in most people’s eyes.

It is a problem, because either I remain faithful, but always feel like I’m not complete in some way, or I cheat, and lose what does make me feel somewhat complete. Often I feel like there’s no place for me in this world. I don’t think I’m a bad person, in general, but in this, I believe that most others would see me as immoral and bad. Of course that hurts.

I don’t know what it is inside me. I keep trying to figure it out. But I keep finding myself with an urge for self-destruction. It is so wearying trying to stay out of trouble. I don’t know how I’ve been able to do it so much of the time. The urge never seems to go away, and I have been fighting it for decades. Sometimes I lose that battle. I am faithful (when I am faithful) for other people. Not really for myself. It’s not a very good feeling. It makes me feel like my nature is quite different from most people’s and that is fairly isolating. I hate pretending to be something (monogamous) that I don’t really seem to be (even though I almost always behave in a monogamous way). Honestly, I don’t understand myself.

I’m always of the opinion that, for cheating to occur in the first place, there is something wrong in the relationship to begin with. This may be the “fault” of one person or the other, or the relationship just isn’t working, isn’t meant to be. Having both been cheated on, and having been “the other woman,” I feel like cheating is more a product of a single situation, not a personality. There are certainly serial cheaters, but I don’t think I’d necessarily judge someone just because they’d cheated once. Relationships are such complicated things; it’s hard to reduce those involved to such narrow description.

I also think that there are various levels of cheating, and different people think of different things as cheating. Emotional, physical, whatever – it all depends on the specific couple. I hate putting those kinds of generalizations on things. For example, I recently was involved with a guy in a relationship, and I felt like our encounter was the result of months and months of tension mounting between us paired with the exact right moment of weakness in his relationship. I don’t think he’s consistently unfaithful, and I think if I were to date him, I could still trust him, regardless of the knowledge of how he’s acted toward his current girlfriend. There are also guys who I would never date because I know how often they cheat on their girlfriends, and it seems to be like more of a pattern for them. Maybe I’m being naive or I just don’t have enough evidence, but there are circumstances in which people have weaknesses, and I wouldn’t judge someone from the get-go.

@TitsMcGhee You’re not naive. You hit the nail on the head. very well put imo

Everyone can change if they want to so I wouldn’t say a cheater is always a cheater unless they want to be.

It all depends. I cheated on a test when I was in high school, but would never have thought to do so in college. But that’s only because I realized that education really does have a value, and to cheat your own education is really stupid. On the other hand, if I could cheat at, say, Texas Hold’em without getting caught, I’d probably do it. There’s money involved, and I wouldn’t really be cheating myself. I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s all relative.

The desire to change is what matters. The followup is what will be the proof.

Some people like con-artists get off on cheating in any form. But this is sociaopathy and is a mental illness, which is a whole new ball o’ wax which I won’t get into here!

Although imperfect, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

@ItsAHabit Yeeeahhhh sort of. I always go by the the old addage: “You cannot change who you are, but you can change how you are.”

People change at least in that regard. I know many many people who ahve shed their old ways in favor of new and better ones.

I suppose that it is a matter of perspective though. You can judge based upon past events or impending evidence to the contrary. Just don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater as it were! ;)