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ucme's avatar

If Jesus were around today (fancy that), what would you get the guy for christmas?

Asked by ucme (50047points) December 5th, 2010

If the fella was alive & walking among us in this day & age. Just what in hell’s…....heaven’s name do you buy the bearded messiah?.....He’s a very naughty boy!! Open to any & all suggestions.

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53 Answers

talljasperman's avatar

nail proof bracelets… a good lawyer on retainer

Scooby's avatar

A book on escapology! :-/

ZEPHYRA's avatar

A room at the inn!

TexasDude's avatar

A Nintendo wii.

DominicX's avatar

I’d get him a birthday cake with approximately 2,010 candles on it. ^_^

CyanoticWasp's avatar

Persecution. It’s what he apparently came for, after all.

ucme's avatar

I’d secure his image rights, with a healthy commission of course… me the money!
I’d also encourage, as a matter of urgency, he loses those sandals ducky. I mean ewwww, look at the state of his toes. Pedicure time darling.

RareDenver's avatar

A copy of the Koran

zSLuRpEE's avatar

Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

… an Immigration attorney.

gondwanalon's avatar

I’d give Jesus a long list of questions. Like, Where were you for so long? Why is faith important? Which religion is the most correct? Besides the Mormon religion, which religion is least correct? etc, etc.

eden2eve's avatar

The same thing I try to give Him anyway. Try to help struggling people as much as I possibly can. That’s all He wants. And I wish I could get Him greater respect and gratitude from all those that He did so much to help.

erichw1504's avatar

A new hat.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

A pair of Jerusalem cruisers ;)

ragingloli's avatar

Test if he is a wizard/witch: Throw him into a lake. If he drowns, he is not a satanic spawn. If he stays above water, by whatever means, he is a hellspawn and will be burnt alive at the stake.

cazzie's avatar

@CyanoticWasp Jesus wouldn’t need an immigration lawyer. He’s Jewish. He can always move to Israel.

I’d buy him a first aid kit and the complete series of Richard Dawkins Books.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

a paternity test… :)

josie's avatar

Get out of Jail Free card.

Kardamom's avatar

I’d take him on a trip to meet Bono and Barack Obama so they could all talk shop—Messiah to Messiah to Messiah.

erichw1504's avatar

A snuggie.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

A bottle of gin and a two-dollar whore.

fireside's avatar

If he’s in upstate NY, I’d get him some boots and a nice warm jacket.

Cruiser's avatar

Gideons Bible

ratboy's avatar

A cheery little something to take his mind off his troubles.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

A plane ticket out of Israel.

Pandora's avatar

@FireMadeFlesh LMAO, That was a good one. (Only do we want Jesus felt up at the airport?) You know he will be pegged for a terrorist. It won’t be pretty.
@tigress3681 I like that.
I really wouldn’t be able to think of what to get him.
However, I know I wouldn’t want to give him cable or internet access. Last thing I want him seeing is how screwed up we are. Figure the longer it takes him to figure it out the longer I got here on earth.

jazmina88's avatar

I’d play my drum for Him pa rum pa pa bum

cazzie's avatar

OH! I got it… I’d get him a Pontius Palm Pilot (get it…. Pontius Pilate…hahahah)

octopussy's avatar

A razor and a new pair of sandals.

incendiary_dan's avatar

Padded wool socks, but that’s not very original. That’s what I’m getting lots of people. I figure, the dude’s got feet, right?

iphigeneia's avatar

An agent. If you want to spread the Word these days you can’t just go around giving sermons on mountains.

tigress3681's avatar

@Pandora I think a hug is just about the perfect gift, since he abhors money and other worldly things, like plane tickets and clothing and such!

meiosis's avatar

Treatment for his mental health issues

Kayak8's avatar

A birthday present . . .

erichw1504's avatar

A fruitcake.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

A Bible and a red pencil, and a few names of literary agents. The guy could really clean up with a decent “New Revised Edition” ... and a copyright.

Scooby's avatar

Some fancy nail polish! :-/

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@Pandora Israeli airports have women do the frisking. Few guys would resent that!

Pandora's avatar

@FireMadeFlesh Great now every pervert is headed to Isreal

Kardamom's avatar

@Scooby—Oh, OK, now I finally get it. I had to come back to this question twice and all I could see was Jesus with those white French nail tips or those crazy stripes and flowers.

This was actually pretty clever.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@Pandora I think I deserve an official award for boosting their tourism!.

mattbrowne's avatar

A printout of the UN’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights, with a handwritten note saying, thanks for your input!

cazzie's avatar

@mattbrowne hmmm. does that declaration end with ‘in Jesus Christ’s name, amen?’ or am I missing something?

mattbrowne's avatar

@cazzie – No, of course not. I didn’t say, thanks for your article. A lot of people influenced the shaping of this declaration. There was a lot of “input” that had been collected over many centuries.

All I’m saying is that if we could meet Jesus in real life today, would be very proud of what humanity has accomplished when reading the declaration. He contributed to it, but so did others.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I would like to arrange a one-time, one-place meeting between Jesus and the heads and executive staffs of all of the various Christian churches: the Roman Catholic, the Oriental Orthodox and Eastern Orthodox, and all of the hundreds of other different and ‘competing’ branches of Catholic Christianity, and not ignoring the hundreds of flavors of Protestantism, with perfect translators for all—and then see how many new schisms open in Christianity after that meeting.

mattbrowne's avatar

Interesting idea. Perhaps you should invite Paul too.

Response moderated (Flame-Bait)
Kardamom's avatar

@CyanoticWasp Do you perhaps draw? Some of your commentary would be even better if it were set to comics. It kind of reminds me of a much more intense version of Far Side. If you did have a comic, what would you call it?

CyanoticWasp's avatar

No, I can’t and you’re not the first person to suggest that my commentary is comical.

But I do enjoy The Far Side, Bizarro, Non Sequitur, Off the Mark and others of that ilk. I wish I could draw, too. (And sing, dance, read, write and play music, among other things. Oh, and fly. I wish I could fly, too.)

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