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iLove's avatar

Have you ever met someone that changed everything you felt about your current relationship?

Asked by iLove (2339points) December 8th, 2010

I know it happens all the time. We meet someone, we think we’ve solved that “love” part of our lives, and then someone comes along who shakes up everything we thought we knew.

Has this happened to you? Did you pursue it? How did the interaction with the [new] person change your perspective on your relationship?

If you did pursue it, how hard was it to end your relationship with the person you were with? Were you honest?

lots of lurve for well written answers

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20 Answers

tedd's avatar

I just had this happen to me. My recent x g/f met a guy in her town (long distance) who was a decent match.

I lasted all of two months after that.

HearTheSilence's avatar

It did happen, I was engaged to what I believed was the perfect man of my dreams, minus the smoking and long hair, but I was willing to bend. After two years of engagement, I met another dude that I got to know and slowly began to have feelings for, he was nothing I had ever wanted. But somehow I ended up falling out of love with my fiance and in love with the new guy. Long story short, I left my fiance for him and he lost interest because I was no longer “the forbidden fruit.” So I ended up alone and miserable for almost a year soon after.

It’s not worth leaving someone you’re with for someone new; no relationship is perfect, no person is perfect. To leave someone for another person is the worst excuse, if you’re not happy in your relationship, leave for you and no one else. Figure yourself out, give yourself a break, and then think about pursuing other romantic relationships.

Worst mistake of my life, I still cry over my stupidity.

tedd's avatar

@HearTheSilence I’ve made the same mistake (though thankfully I wasn’t engaged) and seen it made 100 times. It feels kinda crappy being on the other end too. But if your x fiance is like me I’d be willing to bet he’d probably take you back…

HearTheSilence's avatar

@tedd It’s not going to happen, he’s moved on already and seems happy with his current relationship. I’m cruel, but not a home-wrecker (per say), so there’s no point in even bothering. He’s happy and I’m glad, but now I just have to find my own happiness.

ram201pa's avatar

@HearTheSilence—->It’s not worth leaving someone you’re with for someone new; no relationship is perfect, no person is perfect. To leave someone for another person is the worst excuse, if you’re not happy in your relationship, leave for you and no one else. Figure yourself out, give yourself a break, and then think about pursuing other romantic relationships.

This is the best advice I’ve seen in a long time.

oneluv78's avatar

Yes, as a Matter of fact I married that person. I was in a relationship with a person foro years we started a family with a girl and a boy. I was trying to get more and have more while they he was trying to be taken care of just as if he was one of the kids. Then I met a person that wanted more, lived to the fullest and made me wake up and see that I was being used. We have been together for 5 and a hlf years now and married for 2 and a half.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Of course, when I began to talk to my current husband just over the internet, I knew I was not with the right person for me. It was hard to sit my ex-husband down for a conversation but it needed to happen, I left him without even knowing if anything would work out with this new person who was also married. I left knowing it was enough that there was someone anyone out there like this new person who made me feel this kind of love and I didn’t care if I was ever going to be lucky enough to meet someone but I knew it was no use leading a life with my ex. Eventually, the person on the internet and I met, he divorced his wife, moved here, I divorced my husband. We broke all the barriers down to be with each other against anyone’s best wishes or advice because we knew we were meant for each other. We now are a family of 4. I met him on a site like this one.

tinyfaery's avatar

Yes, but it always makes me happier that I am with the person I am. There are some whacked people out there.

pensiveThoughts's avatar

I am going through this right now actually… I’ve recently come to realize that I have compromised a couple of significant pieces of my identity to satisfy the needs of my partner, and have started to re-evaluate and remember those things. I am struggling to envision these personal traits “working” within the context of my current relationship.

At the same time, I have begun talking to someone who has very similar views, and shares many other common interests… It was an instant connection, and a powerful one.

I am dedicated to working out my existing issues (regardless of outcome), but this person at least gives me hope of being in a relationship where my views are not considered absurd, and would not need to be modified or hidden. In this way, she has already touched me on a very fundamental level.

I’d like to believe that if I leave my current relationship behind, it is not to pursue this new person; rather, I want to believe that it would be because I came to the honest decision that being comfortable with myself is impossible in my current relationship.

Will I pursue it, should my current one fail? perhaps… perhaps it won’t even still be around, as my decision to leave or stay may take some time to work out.

In summary, I agree with @ram201pa that there should be a cool-off period after the end of a serious relationship, and that leaving somebody for someone else is the “wrong reason” to do it. But I do think meeting somebody new can remind you of what you really want in life, and open your eyes to things that you have “settled” for.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@pensiveThoughts I might as well have written that 3 years ago. Word for word.

MissAnthrope's avatar

No, this has never happened to me. My first thought is to say that I have a hard enough time finding one person who wants to date me, much less more than one! That’s not me being down on myself – I think I am a catch and I would love to find a girl like me—I really have awful luck. Bad relationship karma or something.

The other thing is that I am very single-minded and I only have the energy and mental capacity to focus on a limited number of things at a time. Whoever I’m dating is my world, not in a co-dependent sense, so I can’t even work up the interest for other people. I think I’m pretty damn monogamous, even the hottest women can’t even get a rise out of me, even when things are not going well.

The only time I’ve come close was in my last relationship. First half was lovely and amazing and I was floating on air. Then things started to crumble and they went downhill pretty badly. We lived together and I was stuck financially, so I threw myself into doing whatever it took to appease her and to make the situation at least liveable (wish I could say the same effort was applied on her part). Anyway, there were some awful parts and I became very emotionally detached from her. There was a point where I said to myself, “Fuck this. This is ridiculous and she no longer has my mind or heart and she doesn’t care enough to do anything about it. I’m open to seeing what happens.”

I thought that if I met someone else, I would be open to it.. which is a huge contrast from me normally, because I would ordinarily have no interest. I never did find out what I’d actually do, though, because the opportunity never came up.

kyraugh's avatar

@HearTheSilence I made a very similar “mistake”. I use the quotations because at the time and even now, I don’t really consider it a mistake, but the mistake was staying with the man I left my ex for, for as long as I have.
The new guy too lost interest, or just didn’t want any part in me for a while after, yet, we continued this “relationship” for over 5 years. (My relationship with my ex was 9 years). Ending it with the ex was the hardest thing I’d ever done. The new guy was just someone who really opened my eyes to what could be… I thought it was best for me (and part of it was, as the ex was somewhat unsupportive) but in the end it has probably been the worst thing for me.
Needless to say, it has not been good and I’m just now getting out of it (the “new” guy) finally.
My ex and I lost touch, but I’m sure he’s happy with someone else now…
Best thing you could do if in a situation like this is just be by yourself for a while. Figure out what YOU really want… and you’ll be amazed that what you want and what is best will come to you.

iLove's avatar

@kyraugh – thank you for your response. You say the “new” guy lost interest. Do you think it’s because you were suddenly available? Did you discuss what would happen when you left your relationship? What was it about your 9 year relationship that made you want to leave? Did you leave for the new guy, or for yourself? so many questions

iLove's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – as always, thank you for your answer. Can you tell me more about what made you know this person you were with was not suited for you?

Did you have time to yourself in between relationships? What is the difference between where you are now, and where you were then?

This has happened to me as well. I was married, and my husband and I were highly incompatible. We got married because I was pregnant. He was reluctant to marry me (even though I am quite the catch) and was a reluctant father and husband after our child was born.

An old love of mine came back into my life right after I caught my husband almost cheating. He made me feel adored, honored, and listened to. I asked my husband to move out and began a relationship with the old flame. The problem was, my ex started somewhat stalking us and the old flame started to get cold feet. It really affected what we had going.

Out of guilt, I broke up with the old flame and took back my husband. I cried for months. I couldn’t stand to be away from him. I tried to be friends with him but he told me that things would never work out in my marriage and that really pissed me off. But, he was right. One year later, I moved out on my own and have been gone ever since. I think it was good that I did it for my own reasons, it did give me great clarity. Alas, the old flame is too broken hearted and damaged (from other things, not just our relationship) and it would have not worked out with him either, I realize.

What he did for me though was to help me realize that I was worthy of love and adoration and for that I will always be thankful.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

No, but I’ve been on the other side of the fence. Each time a man either confessed to finding someone they felt attracted to and was better, I’ve let them go willingly. I cannot make someone love me. One guy left me for another girl that he ended up marrying and still is 20+ years later. One broke up in order to date another young lady that he eventually broke up with after she moved to town to be with him. A third seemed to still be in love with his long-time high school girlfriend, and it seems that they’ve reconnected and married. I’m happy for those that have found their true love.

No matter how hard or easy it was in getting over these three past relationships, it took meeting my SO in order to realize that I wouldn’t trade him for any man from my past. He was worth the wait for the right one to come along.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@iLove He no longer inspired me and I no longer felt he was my intellectual equal. There was no time I took for myself between these relationships because I wanted to be with the new person so much, I couldn’t stand being apart from him even for a day – we’re still this way now. I have grown a lot since that time..on my own and with my partner – I have been able to put in practice my eternal wish of having an open relationship, I have been able to feel supported in my ambitions and passions without feeling like I’m dragging the other person down, I have been able to feel confident in my parenting and outside the home life without being put down for my ‘strength and independence.’ I made the right decision then, it seems crazy now but there was no keeping us apart. We are lucky, this kind of thing doesn’t happen to everyone. And in your trajectory, just like in mine, what these people did was give us hope that there is someone out there for us who will feel right.

free_fallin's avatar

Yes. I have met people who changed everything I felt about relationships in general. I have never left someone for another person, though. It is not easy for me to fall in love and when I find someone who I feel possesses the potential, I leap and cling. I have been forced to move on from people as they decided to push me completely out of their lives. My feelings for those I have loved remain but I can’t go back and the future is full of possibilities that may prove to be better than what I had in the past. It’s a heartbreaking thought to be forced to give up on love. When I love someone, I remain devoted to them until I am forced to give up. I do not leave people for other people; I would leave for me. I practice the art of forgiveness more often than I likely should while others do not practice it enough, IMO.

HearTheSilence's avatar

@kyraugh EXACTLY! That’s what I mean .It’s easy to fall in love with someone new that seems nothing like your current mate because you’re miserable and probably looking for reasons to leave them. I know not everyone is going to have a bad experience from leaving someone for somebody new. The only thing is, you’re expectations of the new mate is going to be very high. While some people might deny it, its true and it happens. You expect them to be nothing like your ex, and for some, these are high expectations. If the new person doesn’t always meet your expectations, then you become miserable and disillusioned in your relationship, again. Lack of communication is still the main reason (second being money) why people go their separate ways.

I just think it’s unfair for the current mate to have someone just leave them for someone else. If you’re having problems in your current relationship, be an adult and talk about it, then deal with it accordingly. You did fall in love with this person after all, there is a reason you got married, there is a reason you have children, there is a reason you’ve been with this person for the X amount of time that you have. If it is something that can’t be fixed after all avenues are exhausted, then by all means leave. Just don’t run off into a new relationship, it’s a bad idea. I’m glad others have had good experiences with it thus far, but I would never suggest someone do it. If the new person really loves you and you really love them, they’ll still be there in a few months, or however long it takes for you to just have some time to yourself to figure out what you want in life. It’s worth giving yourself an opportunity to explore yourself before you explore someone new.

kyraugh's avatar

@iLove To answer… “Do you think it’s because you were suddenly available?” – I think that was part of it. He made himself unavailable after I broke up with the ex… so that made it even harder – it was like I was going through two break ups at once. But even then, after a few months we started seeing each other and have been having a really rough relationship on/off for 5 years. It never really worked out the way I thought it would.

“Did you discuss what would happen when you left your relationship?” – I don’t think we really ever discussed it. I didn’t konw if I was leaving the ex for new guy or if I just needed to get out. Maybe it was a bit of both. So new guy and I didn’t really look too far into the future. We just knew that we made each other happy and wanted to be together. Even though that didn’t really turn out to be the case. We were naive I guess… It’s unfortunate actually because I think that’s one of the reasons we will never fully work, even now. We started off in such a weird way and there wasn’t a whole lot of trust and that’s something that we can never really get back.

“What was it about your 9 year relationship that made you want to leave?” – I think I just wasn’t feeling supported. I loved him very much and thought we’d be together forever, but when I met new guy I realized that there were other people out there who were more in line with what I thought life was supposed to be like. And I don’t think I’m wrong in that aspect, but I went about it the wrong way. I really should’ve just left to leave. And not try and hold on to someone else.

“Did you leave for the new guy, or for yourself?” – bit of both I think. I think new guy was definitely the catalyst, but in the end, I needed to leave for myself and I did that, but like I said, I did it the wrong way. I spent too much effort trying to be with someone else and that made me very unhealthy (mentally and physically) and really didn’t shape my relationship with new guy in a good way.

wundayatta's avatar

This has happened two or three times in my life. The first time it happened was when I met my wife. My current relationship was dying, and she didn’t fight hard to keep me. I’ve been with my wife since 1987—23 years. About three years ago, I grew very unhappy with my marriage. I believed that I had tried to communicate with her, and that it couldn’t be done. And I gave up. I started doing all kinds of things, trying to find someone else, and I found a number of women who said they loved me, and I thought I loved all of them, and I’m not sure I didn’t.

There was one, in particular that I totally lost my head over. And it was because of this relationship that I told my wife what I was doing, and that lead to me being diagnosed as bipolar and my wife and me getting counseling, and managing to rebuild a lot between us.

But it’s a struggle every day. There’s a lot to hold us together—children, all the assets we’ve built, friends, dancing, music, family. I thought it was enough. I thought I had it all sorted out. But it hasn’t. And if someone came along, and I fell in love…. I’m pretty sure I would never leave my wife. That would be crazy. But I have been known to be crazy at times.

Did anyone ask Icarus why he flew too close to the sun, knowing what would happen? We may never… no, we will never know. I can imagine why, but I don’t know, and sometimes I think that my own motivations are as mysterious to me as Icararus’ motivations are to me. New territory? Knowledge? Deviance? Lack of empathy? Craziness? I can’t tell. I don’t know. Maybe it’s about change. Maybe it’s about the search for understanding. Maybe it’s about sex. Maybe it’s in my genes (I have relatives that have been somewhat prolix in their relationships). Maybe I’m sociopathic. Maybe I’m unhappy. Maybe I need trouble or intensity. Maybe I am weak willed. Maybe all those things. Many possible explanations.

I don’t believe I am a bad person. But maybe I am.

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