Boyfriend is extremely needy all of a sudden.. what to do?

You’ve done what you can, just continue to reinforce it. Your friend is likely right as to his uneasiness. Just keep reassuring him, maybe do things to show him how much you love him without any prompting to do so (like random texts or something).

Oh and more importantly, don’t actually fall for someone else.

I agree with @tedd. Best to just explain that there are too many distractions at home (him, TV, internet etc.) and try to get your studying done. I know it’s tough, my situation was similar when I went back to school. He got jealous because I was making new friends and spending less time with him – it took a little while, but now he understands that my schooling doesn’t have anything to do with him, nor does the fact that I spend less time at home than at the library during exams.

@Seelix You have no idea how much better it feels to know that it’s not just me. @tedd thanks for the advise and I’m pretty sure I won’t fall for someone else. Most of my classmates are kids out of high school and i’m in my late 20’s so I don’t think that’ll be a problem ;-)

Sounds like he senses you changing, and is fearful of being left behind. Have him do some of your readings, so he can talk to you about school stuff. Ask him to quiz you on materials, even if you don’t really need it so he can feel like he’s part of the experience.

He is feeling insecure just don’t allow him to control you. Be there for him but he must understand that you have a life also and that you need time away from him.

One thing to remember. if your bf is showing this much insecurity and distrust now, what will the situation be if you two married each other?

Has he ever exhibited neediness and need for reassurance before? Like maybe at the beginning of the relationship? Who has more power? Who has more say in what you do? Is he employed? Does he have other friends? Or is he dependent on you for his social life? How much time have you spent apart in your relationship? Is there regular time at predictable times, or is it random?

Does it feel to you like he doesn’t trust you? Are you unsure if he will be compatible with you? I mean, does it drive a wedge between you? Do you feel misunderstood? Crowded?

Reassurance is one thing, but I think that letting him know where you are and who you are with and what you are doing on a regular basis could make him feel better, too. Kind of check in a few times a day. At regular times. If you know you won’t be able to, let him know in advance. Or just tell him in advance what your plan is for the day, and maybe you won’t need to check in more often.

He needs predictability so he can calm down.

Be careful with the unconscious messages you send, your attitude. Maybe since you´re pressed for time you´re being short when you don´t mean to. Explain, as well, why your studying will help your relationship… how your dream fits into the dreams you have together, that it´s not only for yourself but it will benefit the both of you… (not financially, but even as a person..)
You have to give your studies a high priority, so make sure the time you spend with him has the highest quality. For example, make sure you make a lot of eye contact, don´t take him for granted. Do what you would like him to do for you—place yourself in his position. If you really love him and are sure he´s the one for you then also show what you feel for him especially now…Let him know that you miss him when you go to study for example….
Live life to the fullest, you don´t know what tomorrow will bring. If he´s the one for you, then appreciate that time with him too, and let him know that if you could, you would be studying with him. Maybe your friend can go over to your house to study too sometime?

My going back to school has taken some time away from our us time but he also has his band and his friends and I have never given him any trouble for spending time away from me. Maybe at times I do seem a little distant from him but it’s not because I don’t love him, it’s because I have a lot of things going on. I will definitely try to continue reassuring him of my love for him.. but I really hope he gets over this soon because I don’t like it.. it makes me feel.. guilty and unsure of this relationship.. it makes me wonder what my future will look like if he continues to cling on to me like this.. I don’t want him to depend on me completely (emotionally that is).. I want him to trust me and to love me but not try to hold on to me like he is doing now.. it makes me uncomfortable.

You can say loving things to him. You can suggest that he go out for an evening with his buddies or reconnect with an old friend.

Be careful that his neediness does not exhibit itself as controlling behavior.

It’s hard when one partner is going through visible change/growth – encourage him to explore opportunities in his life that might reinvigorate his own trajectory.

I don’t think it’s necessarily that he’s insecure about you getting a college degree.

When my wife went back to school (in her late 20’s as well) it meant we both needed to move, I needed to work as much as possible, and she needed to study. We both understood that going in, we both knew it was a short term sacrifice for our combined long term goals. No problems there.

What I didn’t understand is how completely school would dominate her thoughts even when she was away. If she wasn’t actively in school or studying it seems like she was worrying or stressed out about the next day’s test, quiz, or presentation. It was a demanding two year program and any down time she had was either spent sleeping or decompressing with bad TV or a book. There wasn’t a lot of time left for us and she couldn’t seem to “get away” in her mind.

After 6 months or so it seemed to me like I’d gone from #1 in her life to somewhere between #13 (washing her hair) and #15 (the latest episodes on DVR). I often felt like I was a distraction rather than being a key part of her life. I completely supported her choice to go back, but my confidence in “us” just kept getting eroded by so many things being put in front of our relationship. Maybe this made me appear needy, I’m not sure, but I felt like I had a very busy roommate living with me instead of the girl I loved.

Eventually we figured out we needed to reserve time for real conversation and reconnecting.

For us that meant getting out of the house for dinner a few nights a week. It was a lot easier for her to leave stuff behind if we left the house, so we’d go get sandwiches or something and sit down for 30 minutes or so. That way she wasn’t killing a huge amount of time (and stressing about it) but we could talk and have more connection than just the shared living arrangements.

The other thing was Friday nights were always time to hang out together and do something special if we had a little extra cash. It’s an easy night because you still have the whole weekend if something is due on Monday and you’re usually ready to let down a bit anyway after a full week. Having it scheduled gave her “permission” in her mind to let go and not worry about whatever was coming up next in school.

It made a huge difference and really it was just about showing a little effort for the relationship (I’m not saying you’re not, just sharing my experience). I can’t say for sure if it made school any easier for her, but it made getting up and going to work a lot easier for me knowing we were both working towards the same goal.

I’m not saying your situation is the same, but I felt there could be some parallels and hopefully our experience might shed some light on what your boyfriend is thinking and possibly point to some solutions.

@funkdaddy Every once in a while, someone provides an absolutely exceptional answer. Yours was it for this week! Great story and great suggestions.

@funkdaddy Thank you so much for sharing. I will definitely keep your story in mind and I’ll try my very best to keep my boyfriend somewhere in my top priorities. I don’t want him to feel like he’s not important. Right now that the semester is over I’ve been really trying to spend time with him and cook him a nice dinner every now and then and I think it’s all put him at ease for now. Thank you very much for giving me an insight to what he may be feeling. Its been very helpful for me to understand him better.