General Question

roxy's avatar

Do you think its right when your boyfriend is so judgemental?

Asked by roxy (69points) April 9th, 2008

My boyfriend corrects me on everything from my makeup to hairdo,my missspelling and in general any bad habbit I have (smoking)Ok I know some of you will say he is just concerned about me but is there a line somewhere that you shouldn’t cross?

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25 Answers

TheHaight's avatar

Being judged just plain sucks

but when it’s you boyfriend? I don’t think I could handle it. thats just me. Have you let him know that what he’s doing just isn’t right? I mean, it’s one thing to be concerned..but it’s a whole different thing when he’s putting you down for it.

sinscriven's avatar

This isn’t being “concerned”, it’s controlling.
Either that, or some deep seeded issue with himself that he feels like he has to make other people feel inferior for his own shortcomings.

You could always say, “I appreciate your concern, but i’d appreciate it if you’d not criticize everything about me.”

roxy's avatar

Thank you.I have let him know to no end!
It’s like he doesn’t hear me.
No matter what I say,he judges me and It’s basically ruining our relationship.
I do agree with this “it’s controlling”.I have told him many times that I did not ask for his negative opinion but he talks through me and still is determined to state his opinions!!
It drives me nuts!!!!

Randy's avatar

That is controlling which is a huge problem in a relationship. You need to have a serious sit down with him and explain the problems your having. My advice is do whatever it takes for him to understand where your coming from. Your relationship is in jeopardy and communication is the only thing that will repair it.

I see a lot of people being controlled in relationships and I can’t figure out why. I have a friend who isn’t allowed to come to my apartment because her boyfriend says so. He doesnt like me or my roomate so he tells her she can’t go over there. The bad part is, she listens to him. That’s just one example. Why do people do this? Is it just that people are afraid to be single? Its so aggrivating.

Oops, didn’t mean to rant and get off topic. Sorry.

roxy's avatar

Well its not to this point yet.He does not control anything having to do with my friendships or anything of that nature.You can view my weirdo boyfriend at classactphotography.com
that is his website and tell me what you think of his profile.You can even leave him an email if you want(lol)I would love for someone to stick up for me for once!

trainerboy's avatar

No more than you being judgmental about him for judging you and collecting ammunition to be right about it from people who don’t even know him.
Is it possible he feels the same way about you?

glial's avatar

That website is a real class act :-)

ccatron's avatar

@glial – gotta love the flashing Enter button on the front page! and all of the pictures of himself…hahaha

@roxy…is this guy for real? from his website it looks like he’s pretty self-involved and thinks he’s “all that”...he has been sadly mis-informed. you need to move on. if he is as controlling as you are saying, you will never be happy being with him…..unless he can change.

Robby's avatar

Almost feel like it’s a set up for a “advertise”. For the question at hand that sounds like a control issue.

Bri_L's avatar

Over controlling. He wants you for who he wants you to be, not who you are. You may as well try to love him for what his website could be instead of the animated gif-fest monument to himself that it is.

Honestly not a healthy relationship at all.

gorillapaws's avatar

I’d RUN the other way. He’s got major issues about himself, control, and other things too judging from that VERY CREEPY website. It sounds like he’s too self-absorbed to really care about your feelings, which is a pretty big clue that it’s time to move on.

The real question, IMHO is why you’ve stayed so long with a guy who’s like that and apparently are trying to find ways to work it out somehow? Most people run when their significant other pulls that kind of behavior, and yet you aren’t? I’d try to sort that one out for yourself, otherwise you’re likely going to keep ending up in these types of relationships. Not to get too freudian on you, but I’m guessing your father/male role-model figure was somehow similarly controlling/dominating?

syz's avatar

I spent seven years in a marriage that involved increasingly disparaging and controlling behavior from my husband. I had become so inured and had such a lack of self esteem that I didn’t even realize what was happening. He actually ended the marriage – I rebuilt myself from scratch after that. Less than a year later he wanted to get back together but by that time I had realized how much happier and healthier I was – I refused.

No one has the right to make judgments about you unless you allow it. Get out of the relationship.

RAMesesII's avatar

Well, I was going to ask if it was possibly him just poking fun, because I know me personally, and some friends I know as well, we jest with each other over things like that, and sometimes significant others catch flak from it. Now granted, we are pretty good at making sure that it’s known we’re joking, but it could be possible that your friend isn’t as clear as he should be.

But having read other responses and yours as well, I’m getting the feeling that it’s really criticism.

I’m playing devils advocate, I know, but is it possible that he’s trying to help (at least he thinks)? Personally I agree with most of the other folks here. Tell him what’s up; tell him to cool it, and if it doesn’t work, ‘ghost’ on him. However, I wouldn’t want a misunderstanding on his part to be so devastating…

gorillapaws's avatar

@RAMesesll judging by your response I’m guessing you haven’t clicked on the link to his site.

RAMesesII's avatar

No, haven’t had time, but even if it doesnt apply to this particular fellow, it’s still something to keep in mind. I don’t know about the rest of ya’ll fellas, but I’m still struggling with translating from “dudian” to “womanish”, and the translating dictionary I bought is only gonna take me so far.

Like I already said, I agree with most of you, I’m just playing devil’s advocate for the sake of perspective.

DeezerQueue's avatar

Aren’t you answering your own question by coming here to ask it? In your question you acknowledge that he’s judgmental. You apparently don’t like being corrected or you wouldn’t be posting such a question. In another post you call him your weirdo boyfriend and say it would be nice for someone to stick up for you.

Stick up for yourself. If you can’t deal with him the way that he is and he shows no signs of wanting to change, leave.

And your purported boyfriend’s site? No comment.

pattyb's avatar

for someone who is in a “creative” business, that is one lame website. Anyway control freaks are only happy when they are in control, his happiness is your misery, so to speak. Run, don’t walk away.

sndfreQ's avatar

@roxy:

Re: “Class Act” link: nice “shrine”; textbook case of a narcissist…seriously creepy.

Gorillapaws and others really summed up my sentiments, so most of what I had to say doesn’t bear repeating. If for nothing else but your own edification and understanding about what others are describing about their experiences dealing with narcissists, check out this site.

Although everything on that link may not necessarily apply to your situation, just realize you have described several of the symptoms of an unhealthy relationship in your posts. Also realize that it’s up to you and you alone to make the decision to walk; you still have the power to make your own decisions, and without seeking approbation from anyone.

I recently helped a close friend end a 26-year marriage with an emotionally abusive control freak; it was a scary but necessary step, as she was literally killing herself health-wise (anxiety, depression, hypertension, heart disease, not pretty) to stay in the relationship. I hope you take this and the other posters’ advice to heart.

cwilbur's avatar

Is the relationship making you happy? (It doesn’t sound like it.) Do you think it might make you happy? (It doesn’t sound like it.)

If you know the answers to those questions, you know what you have to do.

skfinkel's avatar

Why do you think you got together in the first place? Has he changed? or have you? or was he always like this, but just has gotten worse? I can understand, however, his concern about your smoking—that could be a way for him caring for you.

The one thing you can pretty much assume is that neither of you is going to change much without a lot of work, and if you don’t like him judging you, and he doesn’t like you or likes you but finds much to change, then you both may be in the wrong relationship.

mcbealer's avatar

When you tell someone “No.” and they either refuse to hear it or keep trying to plead their case, they are trying to manipulate you. Decide for yourself if you want to continue being a participant in that equation.

scamp's avatar

Tell him to look you up when he grows up and stops trying to play a slick private eye. From what you told us here and the looks of his site, he thinks way too much of himself. He wants a trophy girl, so people will think he’s cool. He wants perfection in you when he is far from it himself. I know his type, and they get worse, not better. I think you should head for the hills and not look back.

sndfreQ was right on the money in posting that link for you. Read it carefully, because it is a road map to your future if you stay with this guy. The criticism you have been getting is only the beginning. Run far far away!!

sinscriven's avatar

All that website needs is a animated mailbox icon, an embedded realplayer sound, and a “Best with Netscape 4” button and it’d be 1995.

But seriously, the self absorption on that page says alot. I’m think it’s not that he cares about you, but rather he cares about your image and how it reflects of him. You’d make him look back if you looked like a trashy girlfriend with bad hair who smokes.

I’d say get a full body photo of him, make a full sized standing cardboard cutout of him. put a fleshlight where the crotch is, and stick a female wig on it, and you take off and you’ll both be much better off. But that’s just personal opinion. :->

chaosrob's avatar

Behavior like that is the initial step of a very abusive relationship. You should probably get some counseling and work on why you’re willing to tolerate this at all. And definitely break up, quick.

scamp's avatar

knock knock.. roxy, where did you go???

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