How to have more meaningful conversation?

Well, first of all you cannot force a conversation on demand.

It needs to happen spontaneously and without pressure and prodding from your boyfriend.

Maybe start with reading or learning something new and go from there.

Make a list of your interests, memories, pets, and related ‘stories’ you could share.

Let your boyfriend know that you want to get better at conversations but that anything that feels like pressure is going to have the opposite effect on you.

Maybe take a personality test, or Enneagram test and share these insights with him so he understands that you’re simply acting according to your own unique personality.

If he cannot accept you for who you are and pressures you to ‘change’, you will need to re-evaluate the relationship and not allow it to become unhealthy to the detriment of your self esteem.

You CAN work on overcoming some of your social awkwardness, but, a Leopard doesn’t change it’s spits, and a more introverted personality will NEVER be the life of the party type, just as an extrovert will never be quiet for long. lol

Meaningful conversation and small talk are not the same thing. Social anxiety and having nothing to say are not the same thing either. Some outgoing people are garrulous but seldom say anything worth listening to. Some shy people won’t shut up when a topic that they are passionate and knowledgeable about comes up.

OP: may we ask how old you and your boyfriend are?

Ask questions, rather than just talk. If you ask an open ended question, you get to listen, and you can respond to what he says, rather than initiate by stating something yourself. Plus it shows you are interested in him rather than focused on your own anxiety.

And it will make you feel closer to him if you are learning about how he feels about things.

Think about things that happen during the day that you would like to tell your boyfriend.

Talk about a book you are reading or a movie you have or you want to see.

Yell him ideas you are wrestling with (where you want to go to college, what you want to do for work when you are an adult, etc.)

@submariner

Right you are! lol

My daughters boyfriend was very quiet, socially awkward, but now he has really opened up with me and he has much to say. His passion is science and trivia and animal behavior, all subjects I enjoy as well.

He has really blossomed being sandwiched between two extroverts. haha

I think it is great you want to work on this. It can be very difficult to overcome this type of thing, but it is well worth it. You have some good suggestions above so far. If I were you, I would keep in mind that your boyfriend wants to hear what you have to say. That is wonderful. Maybe in the past your opinion was not listened to by others, and so you have learned to not offer one, or be withdrawn. Try to let go of the past if that is the case, and seize this moment to feel more confident.

Maybe start reading more about current events or hobbies and interests you have, so you can talk about new things you have learned. Or, ask your boyfriend his opinion on a topic, or to help you with something you are interested in. Remember you don’t have to be correct or more right in the conversation, it is to be an exchange of thoughts and ideas. I find many people who tend to be withdrawn feel unsure about their knowledge on a topic or less informed, but conversation is for learning, you don’t have to know everything.

Try taking a class together. Cooking or basic automechanics to change your own oil, or join a book club together, all sorts of things you can do to stir up conversation.

Also, practice on fluther. This is a great site to share opinions and see what ideas are floating around in our collective.

Change up on your surroundings , go do new things together so you will have new things to talk about .

“I just feel I have nothing to say at all, let alone something worth saying out loud.”

This statement cried out when I was reading your question. Why do you feel you have nothing to say? Speaking for myself, I am constantly finding new topics that interest me, and it is hard to shut myself up about them when I am around people. Is it because you don’t have many things you are interested in talking about?
Or is it a self-esteem thing?

@marinelife Yell him ideas Is that a Freudian slip? :-)

@zenvelo

LOL Yep, like a Leopard doesn’t change it’s ‘spits.’
That too! haha

You might try going to an organization called Toastmasters. They are an organization dedicated to teaching (and inspiring) leadership, but they can also help you to become more confident and their specialty is public speaking (not that you need to become a public speaker) But I have heard good things about this organization being able to help shy people and people who have confidence problems. There are branches all over the country.

Let your boyfriend know that you are really trying to overcome this problem. Let him know that you need to go slow and steady and come up with some type of phrase or word that you can use to let him know if he’s pushing you too hard, but then decide today, right here and now, that you are going to let your boyfriend help you.

You can get better at learning how to express yourself verbally by playing question and answer games. I’ll give you some examples, but then come up with as many as you can, and ask your boyfriend to come up with some too. Write them all out and then every day you guys can ask and answer questions, starting with easy ones (like what flavor of ice cream you like best) to intermediate ones like (how come you always choose chicken nuggets at the restaurant and not anything else) to more difficult ones like (how did your parent’s divorce effect you). You should play this question and answer game every day, starting today and maybe just ask and answer a few questions for the first few days until you get more comfortable with it. But NEVER give a one word answer or just a yes or no. You need to really think about the answer and then give some sort of supporting statement and add some other information that might be related to the question.

Here’s an example:
Q: What is your favorite ice cream?
A: I like strawberry, but when I was little my brother talked me into tasting this really sweet dark chocolate ice cream with marshmallows, Rocky Road. I liked it ok, but the nuts and things were kind of weird. My Dad always preferred Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and my Mom liked Mint Chip. I really enjoy going to the ice cream parlor and I remember a place from my youth called Farrell’s. They don’t have any Farrell’s anywhere anymore, but I loved the fact that they had this huge candy store within the ice cream parlor. My folks always let me and my brother pick out one type of candy on the way out. I always got these things called rock candy, that looked like little ice cubes on a stick. They were pure sugar and the thought of them, now, kind of makes me sick. They aslo had candy cigarettes, which I can’t even believe that they allowed that kind of thing. I wonder if anyone still makes those? My brother’s favorite was Sugar Daddys, but I didn’t like them as much because they always stuck to my teeth. My parents took me and about 10 other kids from my school to Farrell’s for my 6th grade graduation. You should see the awful photos, it was hilarious!

See how the answer was relatively simple, but there was a whole lot of other related information that could be added. That’s what really makes for a conversation rather than just small talk or a plain and simple answer.

So here’s a list of potential questions:

Who was your favorite teacher in grade school? What did you like about him or her?

Did you ever go to Disneyland or other theme park when you were a kid? What was it like? Describe it in detail sights/sounds/visuals/scents etc.

If you were going to plan a dream vacation, where would you like to go and what kinds of things would you like to do/see/eat/photograph/experience on that trip?

When you think about love, what does it mean to you?

What were your parents like when you were growing up? Have they changed now that you are an adult?

Did you ever have any kind of traumatic situations happen to you when you were a kid? How did you deal with it?

What kinds of movies or books do you like and why?

You should scroll through the Fluther questions and use some of those too! And you can and should play this game with your family and other friends too. And remember that real conversations are always 2 way streets. When you are talking and answering the questions, ask your partner questions about the same subject or about other things that pop into your mind while you are talking, go back and forth between talking and asking questions and listening. Good luck and please get back to us and let us know how you are progressing.

@Kardamom that was some great help!

@ladymia69 Thanks : – )

I find it can help to do something while you talk, especially if one or both people are shy. Even going for a walk or drive can be good. That way you’re not just sitting there staring at each other. :p