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minniemau5's avatar

Is this a dead-end relationship?

Asked by minniemau5 (432points) February 24th, 2011

We’ve only been dating for a little over 2 months. We met at college and he is currently back in his home town for spring break (will be back on the weekend). He has seemed miserable since he left, we’ve just been talking through text messages… but he’s been extremely down. He posted this on his twitter last night: “Its like everywhere I f*****g turn, life is shoving her back in my face.”—I’m 99% sure this is about his ex-girlfriend, who is back in his hometown. I’m worried that the reason he’s been so miserable is because he misses her. Before we started dating.. he admitted that he still “loves” her, but wouldn’t get back with her. What do I do? Is he caught up in her still? Is this a dead-end relationship? By the way, he is 19 and I am 18.

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13 Answers

mrlaconic's avatar

I don’t think that this is necessary a sign that your relationship is a dead end. The fact that he misses his EX and is still in love with her IS LIFE. Regardless of what caused the relationship to end… you never truly stop loving someone. If you care about him, you will help him work through that..but its always going to be there.

CBrennan15's avatar

It’s not a dead-end, but I feel like it’s something that needs to be addressed. It’s natural that he might still miss his ex, but I don’t think that’s a good thing to be such a huge part of your relationship. I would ask him if he still has feelings for her. If he says yes, you might want to think about moving on. That’s never a good thing. If he says no or he’s not sure, then just talk to him about it.

Most importantly though, go with your gut. You’ll be able to tell if it doesn’t feel right.

SpatzieLover's avatar

If you let it be, it will be.

Here’s the deal, you both need open communication. Texts and emails are open to interpretation and are not clear. Give him a call and check in to see how he’s doing.

anders0002's avatar

honestly, if I were in your situation, I would let him go. The thought probably sucks, but I would tell him that if he is still in love with her, then you need to break up. If you love him, then tell him you will be there for him and wait for him, but nobody wants to be a rebound, or the girl used to get over someone else. I have been there and it only causes problems later. You might start to worry if he really is over her, and if your the only one he wants. I have also been on the other end of this too. I was in love with a guy and knew that he wasnt good for me. I tried multiple things, not talking to him, dating other people, and everything. The only thing that worked was time. After a year and a half of learning to be with out him and on my own, i realized i was okay, and as much as i loved him and care about him, i knew that it was better this way. And now i met a new guy who I am absolutely crazy about. good luck, i know its not easy.

OliverYoung's avatar

It doesn’t HAVE to be a dead end, but TALK with him! A lot of relations can/could be saved if people just got together and had a god honest talk. Not saying it would make it better, but not knowing what’s really on his mind isn’t going anywhere good. Sure he might still love her, but hey, that IS common.

If things were down to him choosing between you two, he had to chose you, of course. If not it is a dead-end relationship.

Best of luck and as @CBrennan15 , your gut is your best friend (after fluther of course) always.

Kardamom's avatar

Once again, we have a situation in which one of the parties has not finished with his previous relationship. Doesn’t bode well for you unless you guys nip it in the bud right now.

When he gets back you should tell him that it was kind of embarrassing and disturbing for you to read his tweet about him being so miserable and still talking about his ex. Then ask him if he feels miserable around you, too. Then ask him if he sees a future with you. He is likely to get angry and defensive, but if he does, that is pretty much your answer.

If he tells you that he’s sorry and that he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings and that he definitely sees a future with you, then that is a much better answer. If he seems to want to continue with you, then you need to let him know that you won’t even consider it, unless he stops talking/texting/worrying about his ex. Let him know that if he needs time to work it out, then you guys should cool it for now until he does figure it out. Let him know that you understand how painful his breakup was for him, but that you need to be with someone who really wants to be with you and is completely finished with his previous relationship.

If you need to take a break, so he can figure it out, don’t get all weepy or give him any ultimatums. Just give it some sort of a time frame and tell him that after such and such a time (say a month or 2) that you guys will get together and talk and decide what to do at that point. It might be hard, but the less emotional you are when you give him this “chance to fix it” the better it will be for both of you. Then he’ll either come back and be your boyfriend or he’ll tell you that he can’t be your boyfriend because of the ex. Good luck and Ihope it all works out for the best.

Disc2021's avatar

Me? I’d be done. Why?

It’s painfully obvious that he isn’t over his ex. Which means, right now you’re second best. Whether or not he still loves her isn’t the problem, the problem is that he’s not only told you this but made it blatantly apparent. Is this the kind of climate that you want to get involved in? He’s going home over spring break, back where his ex will be – how do you feel about that, given these conditions?

It’s one thing for a person to have baggage, it’s another if they don’t manage it well. It sounds like this is a case where he isn’t managing it well – and for that matter, that isn’t exactly his fault. Perhaps he wants to move on and he’s trying to. However, he clearly isn’t if it’s beyond evident to you. Maybe it’s just that he isn’t ready to manage it well. Point being, he just isn’t managing it well enough.

It’s your decision, whether or not you want to “stick around” and see what happens. My analysis isn’t very good, which may only be because what you’ve told us so far doesn’t sound very good.

GTL222's avatar

i think it’ll be fine, hes probably just stressed out. Since he is back in his hometown which that is where she is at also, hes probably just tired of everybody talking about her, since he said “Its like everywhere I f*****g turn, life is shoving her back in my face” sounds like he doesnt wanna see her.

then again he told you he still loves his ex?? well atleast he told you. but why start another relationship if your not over the one you were just in?

To me it sounds like he obviously likes you if yall are together. But if he still loves his ex then im not so sure.

See how he is when he gets back, if he is acting different then booo him! if he is the way he was when yall first started dating then good for you!(:

good luck, hope everything goes well for you too.

perspicacious's avatar

It’s not a relationship, you are dating. You also are very young. He may end up with his former girlfriend again, but whatever their problems were are still there. Sometimes people have to go through it more than once to really realize it cannot be. If I were you I would not let myself get too attached to him until you can really feel like his thoughts and feelings are not still for the other girl.

Remember, what he posts online he knows you are able to see. Don’t forget that.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Ditto what @Kardamom wrote, especially the 2nd paragraph.

minniemau5's avatar

Thanks for the responses. When we’re together, everything is generally pretty good. We’re still early in our “relationship”, but he has told me things like how he doesn’t know where he’d be without me. And that having me as his girlfriend feels like a dream. Which leads me to believe that he does indeed care about me and want to be with me. He NEVER talks about his ex around me. All I know is that they went through a pretty bad break up and he thinks she’s immature. Yet, he still “loves” her. Mind you, he told me that long before him and I started dating.

BarnacleBill's avatar

It sounds like he trusts you, to be so honest with you. Take it slow. Right now you’re poised to be the rebound relationship if you don’t clear the air. He wishes she was different, more like you. She’s not. He has to process that. You don’t want a guy who talks trash about an ex, because one day that ex could be you.

If he was cheating with her, he wouldn’t be telling you how much pain he’s in over seeing her.

Pattijo's avatar

With him posting that message on twitter seems like he hopes she will see it , or her friends will . Just be honest with him and ask him what’s going on , though you are only dating him and he really owes you not much of anything right now , we are hurt when we expect things to be our way and then there not.
If he does still love her then you have two choices , stand by him until he works through this or kick him to the curb .
You must decide which one your willing to deal with

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