Social Question

wundayatta's avatar

What did you learn from past lovers?

Asked by wundayatta (58638points) March 7th, 2011

When we have our first relationships, we are usually young and inexperienced, and do all kinds of things that don’t work for our partners. As we gain more experience, surely we learn how to do better in our relationships.

What have you learned? What were the lovers like and how did they teach you whatever it was you learned?

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33 Answers

12Oaks's avatar

That the world didn’t actually stop after we parted ways. I have no idea where she is now and couldn’t care less. Never even bothered to see if she is on FaceBook, and have no interest whatsoever to find out.

listener's avatar

I have learned not to idealize the person and the relationship. And in order to make a relationship last it needs a lot of patience and sacrifice.

TexasDude's avatar

I learned that love is not a commodity or an investment that is depleted with use, but that it is more like an overflowing fountain that is eternally being replenished.

I came to this conclusion not as part of a step-by-step process that developed with each lover, but more as an “aha” moment that came when I looked back on all of them as a whole and realized that I loved, and still love them all with a unique part of myself that created, and still encompasses, who I am.

For instance, my second girlfriend, whom I was with for three years, taught me that I value steadfast loyalty. This was apparent to me when after a messy breakup and a year long re-friending process that I was more than willing to defend and support her when she needed me, in spite of all the previous pain. To this day, I’d walk on broken glass for her, and I know she’d do the same for me.

I have similar stories for every single other girl I’ve been involved with, as well… all of which have revealed to me a part of my character at separate times in my life, as well as my overall character now.

JmacOroni's avatar

I learned that I deserved better.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I learned how to sprint. ;)

Summum's avatar

That love and life is worth all the efforts put into it. Life is such a great experience and one where we can love and learn to love and care for everyone. Love is Universal and is one of the strongest forces there is.

filmfann's avatar

I learned to never let anyone walk all over me like that again.
It was a hard lesson to learn. I had to go thru it twice.

MilkyWay's avatar

I learned that love is a moment’s pleasure ,,,, and a lifetime of hurt.

That wasn’t quoted from anywhere, by the way. It came straight from the heart.

LuckyGuy's avatar

How to use a condom.

the100thmonkey's avatar

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard – that’s lovely and poetic; I can relate to it.

I learned that the intensity with which you love someone – particularly at that age – is likely to push them away. Flames that burn blue tend to do that. It took me years to stop comparing my girlfriends to my first love.

I later learned that ‘love’ is not a word to be used lightly – relationships are often asymmetrical, and careless use of language can lead to a whole world of pain, if not for you then the person you are with.

bolwerk's avatar

That a sexual relationship is a very small part of a healthy social life!

jazmina88's avatar

that people take advantage of you… careful.

The real loves last forever.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I learned to never drop things in my life for a person unless my heart doesn’t feel like living otherwise.

stardust's avatar

I learned that I could only ever have a healthy, loving relationship with another once I have that with myself.

meagan's avatar

Trust no one and take no prisoners.

the100thmonkey's avatar

@meagan: that’s a little bleak, is it not?

blueiiznh's avatar

I somewhat agree with @meagan
We can only depend on ourselves and can only control ourselves.

the100thmonkey's avatar

I’m sorry, @meagan and @blueiiznh, I just get a militaristic, cold war feeling from that.

If you trust no one, in my opinion, you love no one.

Scooby's avatar

I’ve learned to hide my wallet & be extra careful not leaving bank details lying around, hide car keys, lock away my CD & DVD collection, feed the cats myself to make sure that they have been fed :-/
If the words “Strap-on” are mentioned to run a mile, make love not just have sex, be considerate & let them go home in the morning :-/

LuckyGuy's avatar

Oh, @queenie, Please don’t give up.

blueiiznh's avatar

@the100thmonkey The trust is about trusting my judgement.
It starts with me. I know when to trust others, and by what degree.

faye's avatar

How much shit not to take.

blueiiznh's avatar

Never Settle

Marodr13's avatar

relationships suck… Take your time to change yourself and worry not about who likes you or wants you.. Love you and others will love you back

whitenoise's avatar

That I am actually pretty lucky to be with my current lover.

The fact that she happens to be my wife as well for almost twelve years, makes things it even better.

MilkyWay's avatar

aaww, dont worry @worriedguy ,, I won’t.
though it IS hard…

tigerlilly2's avatar

To not worry about every little thing and to compromise more. I’ve gained a lot of patience and understanding with the opposite sex that I didn’t realize when I was younger. Also, that I deserved someone who was a good person and that I should not be in a relationship with someone I do not trust and vice versa.

wordWarrior's avatar

I’ve learned a great deal of lessons. Don’t idealize your potential mate, such as placing them upon a pedestal, because they will never live up to your idealized expectations.

Don’t make them the source of all your happiness, you need to be happy with yourself before you seek someone out. if you make them the source of your happiness, inevitably they will let you down one day and you have nothing else to prop yourself up with.

learn to make compromises, and your mate should also concede to compromise as well if you expect it to develop into a long term relationship.

Communicate! it is very important to tactfully yet clearly make your voice known to your partner. the more fluid your communication, the less you will have to argue. As well, don’t exclusively use text messages, the voice has the power of inflection and carries with it dynamics that text on a screen cannot communicate.

Learn the signs of a terrible match, if they abuse you verbally, ask you to break the law, cause you to cut ties with friends and isolate you, then you need to immediately cut them out of your life, no matter how much you think they are important to you.

Being good in bed can only take you so far, a multidimensional relationship requires activities outside of the bedroom. such as going on a road trip, having dinner parties with friends. exploring creative outlets, discussing books, gardening, etc.

this doesn’t cover everything but i think i’m already a bit long winded.
thanks for reading this if you made it this far :)

wundayatta's avatar

Very nice answer, @wordWarrior . GA! You reminded me of some of my initial mistakes, like putting her on a pedestal. She didn’t like it one bit and kept on saying she wasn’t what I thought she was. I think that, in the end, she really couldn’t stand it. That was one of the reasons she dumped me.

I had depended on her for all my emotional stability, and when she dumped me, I went into a two year depression. I had no leg to stand on.

Thanks, again.

wordWarrior's avatar

I too, went through that same scenario, the relationship lasted only 4 months, yet when she dumped me on my birthday, i closed myself off to the world for nearly two years. and after all that i learned i was only hurting myself by doing so, it took me 9 years to even speak to her again. through that time i took nobody seriously, and hurt many people in the process.

Towards the end of those nine years, i was betrayed and hurt deeply by a woman who manipulated me into cutting ties with friends and used me, but i found out that i was not the only one betrayed by her deceitful ways. Karma came back to me.

Then there came the climax, a point of no return where i cut ties with her completely. i am now single and focusing on my own life rather than working to only benefit those around me. good luck to you @wundayatta

Marodr13's avatar

Dont do the same mistake twice, and also dont bring situations that were in the previous relationship into this new one… Not personally but what I have seen is the fact that many that have been cheated on bring that fear into the new onw, which truly is understandable but then at the same time you have to think about the new individual that is in the relationship and how unfair it is for them…
We personally have to learn to just let go about the past and start fresh and take your time into moving high speed ahead when it comes to a relationship

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