General Question

15barcam's avatar

I have a friend who is really really nice to me but mean to other people. What should I do to stand up to her without ruining OUR good friendship?

Asked by 15barcam (753points) March 16th, 2011

I know this sounds wierd, but please don’t say I shouldn’t be friends with her at all because we play volleyball together and we need to get along. I end up spending most of my time with her. Her main problem is she doesn’t know how to forgive, so when a person does something mean to her, she will be ten times as cruel back. Welcome to the life of teenage girl. What can I do to persuade her to change her behavior without fireing up her temper?

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10 Answers

JLeslie's avatar

She probably has an anger problem. Maybe she can learn by your example. Rather that telling her specifically a better way to behave, she can over time see how you react to things. Or, maybe you can ask her why she gets so angry? She probably has a lot of hurt i side of her. From your friendship she might grow, and begin to change. Are you both young? The younger you are the more chance she can change I think.

MissA's avatar

If you could be around an adult who has had this problem since childhood, you would seek help for her. If left alone, it can be the worst thing in the world. For everyone.

Seelix's avatar

Like you said, welcome to the life of a teenage girl. Some girls are just like that – there may be nothing that you can do about it.

I’d suggest that next time it happens and you’re around, you could say afterward something like “Did you really have to be that mean to her? What did she do to make you so mad?” That might open things up for discussion so that you can show her a more rational way to deal with her problems.

marinelife's avatar

You can say, “I really like you, but I didn’t like your behavior to Jane. She did not deserve those things that you said to her. I can’t support you in going after her.”

Qingyi's avatar

Maybe you could tell her that other people are not as cruel as her thought. And you could ask her out when such things happen.

Brian1946's avatar

What’s an example of something mean that was done to your friend, and of something that she did in return?

I’m wondering if perhaps some of your friend’s reactions are justified if people are doing mean things to her, but I can’t really tell without some details.

15barcam's avatar

for example, someone (lets call her jill) took my friends phone and texted some people from it because jill was jelous of my friend. Ya, thats pretty bad, but then my friend goes around spreading nastry rumors about jill and telling jill how much everyone hates jill every time jill tries to appoligize

Bellatrix's avatar

Perhaps you could tell her the truth, gently. Next time she says something horrible or does something nasty to another person, tell her “I really like you as a person and I enjoy spending time with you except when you are cruel to other people. It makes me uncomfortable and it let’s you (her) down too”. If you say it calmly and kindly, perhaps she will get that you are actually doing her a favour and being honest. Other people would just scratch her.

NosyBut's avatar

To be honest, it’s pretty red flaggish behavior. In fact, the way she treats others will be how she WILL treat you in the future when things go wrong. Be civil with her if you want to remain friends, but you’ll have to keep your emotional distance to be safe from her.

SecondHandStoke's avatar

Other individuals are on their own IMO.

If she’s capable of civility and yet able to access a scathing wit good for her.

However, If she’s ugly to the people that serve her: waitrons, hairstylists, sales associates, etc. Dump her, she’s lower than scum.

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