(NSFW?) How do I stop this sex problem from damaging my relationship?

Fact from fiction, truth from diction, you have to think outside-the-box. You can do several things when it starts to get frisky, you can just grab his hands, head, or whatever and lead him to the “land of opportunity” and if he tries to stray before time is up direct him back there. You can try edibles, dribble some honey or chocolate syrup on your feminine taco and let him lap it up. You can slide a candy bar in there and have him try to get it out with his mouth, no hands. If he says his neck hurts or gets tired muff diving have him lay on his back with a pillow under his head and ride his jaws while you place his hands on your nipples. Introduce a set of hand cuffs. Try 69ing it to see if his neck fairs better. Try it in the shower. One of the best aphrodisiacs is to do it where there is some risk of exposure; go to a high rise for example while wearing a short mini no panties and invite him to steal a quick munch in the stair well or if bold enough a quickie while you are bent over the rail. Maybe in the back seat if your windows are dark enough while parked in a corner of a parking garage. You can even get a porno flick and do whatever is one the screen, matching action for action he might even learn something on what order to do things. Get outside-the-box!

Or in his case, inside the box! Sorry @Hypocrisy_Central, couldn’t resist!

Your problem sounds exactly like the opposite of this one! It’s eerily similar.

You guys apparently don’t have the same interests when it comes to sex. Have you tried to bring something fun and new into the relationship? Have you tried anything kinky?

@Mz_Lizzy Good one, very witty ;-)

You want to get off. You’ve literally given bf instructions on what you need: arousal via fingers, mouth. He’s fallen asleep or his neck has cramped, or he’s gotten upset when you mentioned that as a couple you don’t mesh that well sexually.

First off, as a straight guy, just a couple of observations: I think it’s great that you’ve communicated clearly what’s (not) going on for you with respect to the foreplay/orgasm factor; indeed, I think you deserve extra points: you’ve given him a clear to-do list so you can get off, and so he can “know what the hell is going on.” Also, I think there’s no reason for him to be upset and take it personally in a negative way – he should take it as an opportunity to put out more than his regular fare and learn a thing or two about himself and you. Far from a “hassle,” I think gf taking the role of foreplay mc and leading bf down an unexplored avenue is a turn on.

As Hypocrisy and Kate mention, you could try different positions or places, or do whatever you need to get the kinkiness factor going, if that’ll turn up the heat for you during foreplay.

From what you’ve said, I think the burden is on bf to initiate the foreplay at this point since he’s clearly aware that you’re not getting what you need. Frankly, it’s his responsibility as a man to do his utmost to get it right. You got a cramp after 2 minutes buddy…really?!...my god…stretch your neck beforehand; if he doesn’t know what to do with his tongue or fingers, gently prod him in the right direction. In fact, it should have been him writing into this forum, not you.

Point is: he should be switching up his game until he gets it right or at least exhausts the possibilities on his end. If after he’s given it a good faith try ( a month?), and you still don’t get there I’d say it’s its time to move on.

Two options I can think of:

1) Buy a copy of “The Joy of Sex” (or another tried and true book that’s similar) and read it together—out loud with each other taking turns who reads to whom. Take time to discuss any issues or questions which arise.

Make a definite commitment to do this with each other several nights a week and at least __ pages per night according to what your schedules allow for.

2) Find a qualified sex therapist and make a commitment to that.

Unless the two of you start communicating and get some knowledge, the relationship will just keep going downhill and eventually end.

You need to be proactive rather than reactive.

“In turn I don’t want him, which makes him feel like shit, and makes me feel like shit, and I have no idea what to do.”

Leave. Time to find a compatible bed partner.

Sit him down and have a serious talk about sex (not when you are in bed).

Tell him that you need foreplay and that you would like him to pleasure you to orgasm. Tell him he should not be happy if you don’t climax too.

Have him read a book about sex play. Tell him exploring sex can be an adventure for the two of you.

If he won’t read the book and try, then I would dump him. Things are not likely to get better.

I agree with @marinelife – go to the bookstore and find a good book about foreplay. Trust me, they exist. I can’t recommend any specific titles, but just go and have a look.

Try reading some erotica. Find a story or a scene that turns you on, describing the kind of foreplay you dream of. Have him read it, or read it to him.

I like most of the advice I’ve read before this.

You could consider throwing in “toys” to spice it up a bit.

keep the conversation going, but let go the upset and replace with sense of adventure. @Buttonstc Joy of Sex excellent suggestion. Kama Sutra explore together. Make it clear you care about him and you want to work it out with him and that you have needs that are unmet at this time. Have fun ! If the guy doesn’t want to talk about sex in a safe context… time to move on I’m afraid.

Are you able to give yourself an orgasm through masturbation? If so, how about letting him watch what you do? It’ll be a turn on for him and give hime a chance to just watch and see what works best for you.

I agree that talking about it when you aren’t in bed is the best time. Once you are in bed and trying to get things going, you’re just going to end up frustrated.

Also, each time you try, you need to go in with a clear head. If you start out thinking about all the issues that have happened before while having sex with him, it will ruin the mood for that time right there.

If he doesn’t shape up quick, then he probably doesn’t deserve to be giving you orgasms…make some of the suggestions made here, be a little patient, and if he continues to be a dull knife, move on…..

I did not have great sex with my last b/f. He didn’t like to give me oral sex but he wanted his dick in my mouth a lot. He had no imagination and sex seemed to follow the same choreography every time. There was no lasting point in talking. I say get out and and find someone with the same mindset before you hate him.

It sounds like you have already tried, I mean really tried, to get this guy to give you what you need sexually. I have actually had a sex partner that was just like this, and it sucked. When a new person shows and tells me what they like, it might take a few tries to get the technique right, but it just takes once for me to get the message: this is what works for my partner, I need to try this for them. I would be so frustrated if a guy couldn’t figure out foreplay.

Most women need foreplay. I’m not sure where I read this (It might have been She Comes First by Ian Kerner) but I read that a woman’s chance for orgasm dramatically goes up the more time you spend on foreplay. And that most people think of penis-vagina intercourse as “real sex” and everything else as “not real sex,” which causes us to shortchange ourselves. We need to expand the definition of sex to include everything that’s sexually satisfying, like foreplay, mutual masturbation, or using hands and fingers on a partner.

On a more personal level, it just feels great to know that your sex partner is trying and wants to take care of your needs, and that they’re good at it. (And for both of you to be that way. Having to give them directions more than a couple times would be frustrating, especially if the reason is that he’s just not trying/ doesn’t want to. Does he just try to rush past foreplay and straight to intercourse?

Dan Savage says that people should try to be GGG- good, giving, and game, and right now your boyfriend is literally none of those things. It sounds like he doesn’t even want to try, even after you have told him exactly what you need. Foreplay is supposed to be the fun stuff. If I had a girlfriend who asked me to spend more time on her nipples I’d be like, “Hells to the yes! I’m there!” One last observation, it sounds like your sex drive is still there, but you’re just not attracted to your boyfriend anymore.

Men are said to be visual animals when it comes to sex; try something like this. Close enough to porn that he’ll enjoy it, and it might seem less like work to him than a book.

You say that you were with your boyfriend for years before you even discussed with him that lack of foreplay was a problem. He is probably not going to change overnight.

“Flipping [your] wig” over it is also probably not the best way to get him to want to change, hence his lame “my neck hurts” excuse.

From this guy’s perspective, you spent literally years having sex with him, and then a few weeks ago, you got angry at him seemingly out of the blue about how bad he is at sex. Now, he’s trying, and you’re still not sexually interested in him. This probably makes him feel really, really not great.

Are there other problems in your relationship? Why did you wait so long to talk to him? Maybe you should work on reconnecting emotionally before you try to fix the physical problems. Unless you’re already checking out of the relationship, which is a viable option as well.

Maybe if the “other issues” are preying on your minds & interfering with the sex, forget about the sex issue until you can sort out the other problems, once they’re out of the way you can both concentrate more on the sex. Plus you should both be more relaxed about it & be able to concentrate on each other a bit better, on each others pleasures, him more than you, he can concentrate on you! :-/
Anyway you need to come to some agreement on what the strategy is going to be, no point being completely in the dark! :-/
Good luck…….

I don’t think sex is your problem. Your problem of being uninterested simply manifests itself through sex, makes it more clarified. You just don’t love each other. That’s fine. Move on.

Oh Jeez. Make a game of it. Start teasing him. Whisper in his ear what you want to do, and when he acts interested, tell him not yet. Keep on teasing him, and get him really riled up, and then invite him to do something to you. Whisper in your ear, or kiss your neck. Tell him he can’t have any unless he does exactly as you say, and if he starts backing off, make yourself more available until he wants you again and you can tease some more

It’s like creating your own foreplay. See how aroused you can keep him for how long before you, yourself, get so aroused you can only think about what you want him to do now, and then beg him to do it. Turn the tables. You’ve been in control (although not officially), but now you are begging to suck his cock or have him slide himself inside you.

But do it really slow. Don’t let him cum. And yes, you want the friction and the lickin but use your teasing as a substitute. The greatest sex organ is the mind. You can make yourself almost cum just by talking if you are creative enough. Hell, it’s even easier to make someone else cum, but that’s not the goal here. The goal is to keep him highly interested yet frustrated long enough that he’ll beg to give you an orgasm just so he can have one.

If you play it right, you could even kind of train him, so that when you do certain things, he starts to get aroused, but also interested in doing to you what you want to have done so he can get what he wants.

But over the long term, you want to train him to enjoy the teasing more than the climax. And then you can go on for as long as you want, teasing and playing but not climaxing until both of you are good and ready. And if he is clever, he’ll figure out that he, too, has power, and he can get off on arousing you to the point you are screaming for his cock, but he won’t give it to you.

It goes both ways. You don’t have to have one in power all the time and the other not. You can change roles. You can learn the delights of being ordered around and even some humiliation (or a lot if you are into it).

Personally, I’m into a little bit of fun and mind games, but I don’t like making it very harsh or serious. But it is such a turn-on for both me and my partner. It takes humor and creativity to make it work. But that’s no big deal. Unless you don’t have any, in which case, why would you ever let someone like that get their hands on you?

I’m with @Simone_De_Beauvoir on this one. What’s happening in the bedroom is a symptom of the relationship you have with him outside of the bedroom. I highly doubt that if he isn’t giving in the bedroom he is giving elsewhere.

After a few years with someone and having these types of issues, I’d be beyond irritable. I’m going to guess he’s a lazy, self centered lover, maybe not that interested in building the relationship any further. Geez, not to have gotten to know your body after so long, I’m sorry- you’re a better person than me for hanging in there. Life is short, sex is GREAT and plenty of people are out there who will make the efforts and not complain about a neck cramp which in my opinion is a super lame thing to say to someone during sex unless you’re crippled.

You say that now he wants to help make you come….hmmmm…a couple years together, your conversation about a year ago expressing your dissatisfaction….that means at least a year of being frustrated. The first year of having sex is generally one of the best! You would usually be so into each other you would do anything to drive each other wild. So I don’t understand his lack of foreplay at all. Sex holds a different place in people’s lives. It depends how important it is to you. I will assume that you have a strong emotional attachment to this guy and that there are other very good things in your relationship that make you want to stay with him even though the sex is not quite there. Personally I would never call the sex “good” if there was no attention given to foreplay and seemingly, no motivation to improive at it. Maybe he is very sensitive and that is why you are being careful of his feelings in not critcizing too much. After all, criticizing a man’s sexual performance, however delicately you may bring the subject up and however nice you may be about it and encouraging, is somewhat of a minefield, especially if he is the sensitive type. But if he cares about you and you are nurturing and patient, you can make things better.

Making things better has to include his making a very real effort at understanding how to satisfy you. He should want to know what turns you on. It should really be important to him without making an orgasm this inflexible goal that hangs over the two of you. The idea is just to enjoy each other, express to each other how much you desire each other, want to please each other. That should lead to its own inspiration! I think it’s wise to have the discussions of technique outside of the bedroom. Talk about things you like and later put it into action. Don’t try to critique as it is happening! That is a real desire killer! Flirt with each other. Talk on the phone and say how you were thinking of how awesome it would feel if he did this or that….whatever turns you on. He will be thinking of it all day and when you get together, you have already had some foreplay….then you need a little more. He needs to understand and be into it. If I felt someone was just doing it for me and it held no pleasure for him it would not be a turn on. The emotional connection is first, everything follows from that. As far as not having the technique down, there is so much information out there nowadays about how to please a woman that there is no excuse for his ignorance. If he cares about pleasing you, between your openness and reading books written about female sexual response, I say, if he doesn’t make a true effort at figuring it out, it means he’s just not that into you, pure and simple! Find someone else who is. You deserve it, everyone deserves it!! Good luck.