General Question

minniemau5's avatar

After my last question, this one was inevitable: How do I get over him?

Asked by minniemau5 (432points) June 16th, 2011 I asked that a few days ago.

My (ex)boyfriend finally told me the truth. Basically, he is in love with his ex and always has been. He’s never really cared about me. All I was to him was someone to have sex with.

I am crushed. I am 18 and he was my first boyfriend. My first everything. And I’ve just been used and abused because he’s been so wrapped up in his ex who doesn’t want anything to do with him. I feel like a worthless piece of shit and I can’t help but have a pity party for myself. I legitimately cared about him. He is the only person I’ve ever let in… I have so many trust issues, so many mental health issues… and finally I let someone in and he just breaks me.

I don’t know what to do but cry.

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20 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

Cry, it will help you mourn this loss. It helps get the poisons out.

As a number of people mentioned on your last post, you seem to be a good hearted person that any guy with his head on straight would fall for. But I know that won’t lessen the pain right now. Be easy on yourself, call a girlfriend and cry on her shoulder, talk to your parents even. And remember he is the worthless piece of shit, and he has settled for second best.

Hang in there! Fluthers are on your side!

wundayatta's avatar


There’s really nothing to do except mourn. It hurts. You have a hollow feeling in your chest. A weight on your shoulders. Someone who filled a big part of your day is suddenly gone. What do you do with that time? Who is there you can talk to? Who will love you?

These are huge things. And they hurt like hell. And the only thing that gets you through is time. The first time is the worst. You can get more used to it, although I hope you don’t.

I try to take it one day at a time. Just for today, I can make it through. Just for today, I don’t have to call him. Or write him. I only have to get through this one day.

One day at a time until the feelings start to lessen. Until you start filling your time in other ways. Until you start feeling love elsewhere. Until you find people who you don’t feel lonely with. Or until you find another guy.

You have to be careful about that. Especially if you have mental health issues. I’m bipolar, and I’ve gone up and down and up and down, falling in love and breaking up within the period of a month at times. It can be a cyclic thing and you can use it to feel good and then bad and good, and sometimes it doesn’t matter which you feel, so long as you feel.

But that’s just a warning of what to look for. What can happen. You’re not in that place now. Right now you’re in pain, and I’m sorry. I would do it if I could. But there is no magic pill to relieve the pain of loss. Doesn’t matter if it’s a lover or a grandparent. It just plain hurts and only time will heal it.

KateTheGreat's avatar

Whenever this happened to me last, I just listened to music that reminded me of him, looked at old pictures, and let it all go. I cried my heart out and then came to terms with the situation. It’s best to just cry and write all of your feelings down.

YARNLADY's avatar

Go to your calendar each day and write a number that indicates how you feel about him. On a scale of 10 = I miss him very much to 1 = I don’t miss him much.

The first few days/weeks will be all 10’s, but gradually they will move down the scale, until you can stop.

yankeetooter's avatar

Yes, crying and writing are great ways to purge your feelings…I should know. I’m sorry this happened to you @minniemau5. You deserved better…hang in there…

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I am really sorry about what happened.My heart goes out to you.All the advice above is good.Allow yourself time to mourn.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

I did not chime in on your last post because when it comes to relationships too often I find it is chalk deep in emotion so logic goes out the window. What you could have or should have done to keep from being where you are now is irrelevant, that ship as long sailed.

Cry if you have to, then buck up. When something like those happens I tell them to get off it, get over it, and get on with it. You won’t erase the feeling that you were duped, made a mistake, or wasn’t good enough. He isn’t the last guy on the planet, there are plenty of other guys way better. You just believe the lost was his that he had a plate of prime rib eye and left it to go to a saucer of Spam. The best way you can burrow his brain is to let him see you doing good. If you have to, when ever he is around, fake it until you make it. Never let him see you sweat. Believe me as a guy and have seen it from his side through those I have known, it will bump his head that you appear to have gotten over him so quick. He might have cleaved you from his heart but he will never divorce his ego and the thought you don’t see him as the knight in shinning armor or even that someone else will quickly replace him will destroy him, unless he is soulless. Cry now if you have to but then get on with it and show him he didn’t break you.

faye's avatar

I agree with @Hypocrisy_Central about don’t let him see you sad. I know you need to mourn your life as it was. In a few months he’ll just be a ripple in a pond to you if you happen to think of him. Get out and do stuff, get a job, or volunteer or just run.

BarnacleBill's avatar

As hurtful as it is, you dodged a bullet here. You deserve a much better guy than one who will play you. As hard as it may seem, you are going to need to walk away from this. There are plenty of really great guys out there who will treat you like you’re the most important person in their world. A small measure of comfort can be found in the fact that his ex-girlfriend doesn’t want him back, which should tell you something about him.

Give yourself a few days, then try doing something new. Get a new haircut, buy some really great shoes, call your friends and reconnect, ask friends to fix you up, get involved in an organization on campus as a volunteer that may have some activities over the summer. Radio station? Student Activities Center? Theater?

Hang in there.

krrazypassions's avatar

The truth is: He does not deserve you. And you deserve a much much better guy!

You should forget him and move on with your life. Make sure you dont try too hard to forget him- dont focus on the fact that you have to forget him- that will only make you remember him…
Instead, focus on good things in life- your hobbies and aspirations. You will feel awesome doing things you like… if you like dancing, join a dance class- or if you are good at it, become an instructor- (just an example) Spend time with your parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins and friends- enjoy life, make new memories, give and receive love from them!
The trick is to channel your emotions to something creative and worthwhile. Do things that will make you feel better. Love yourself!

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

I want to give advice as practical as possible:

If you masturbate to him, stop.
If you find yourself thinking about him, stop.
Call up any friends you can find, have them take you to someplace you haven’t been before. Go there, have a good time. Keep yourself busy like a maniac if possible.

Give up completely on this person. Any contact from him is both his wanting to make himself feel better and/or wanting the validation you still care.

Have ice cream. Spoil yourself. Then get a better person so you can rub their nose in it.

Mariah's avatar

You know what? Have a self pity party, because if he seriously said that shit to you, that’s a really terribly hurtful thing to have happened. I don’t even really know you and I want to beat him up. But, put a time limit on it, because moping around starts to make things worse after a while. For a few days, maybe, don’t bother trying to push the thoughts from your mind, and cry and lie in bed if you need.
Then, if you can, get mad. I find that a righteous sense of anger towards someone who has wronged me is just the thing for dulling the hurt. You won’t miss him if you’re pissed.
Knowing just the little I know about you, I’ve still been able to gather that you are far stronger than you believe you are. He cannot break you. Please try and believe that.

Cruiser's avatar

I would suggest taking stock of all the wonderful loving qualities you have that you allowed yourself to give to this man during that time you were together. Him moving on in such a callous way should not take one thing away from who you are and those precious moments of intimacy you gave to him. Not something to get upset or forlorn over….it is what it is and don’t give currency to your time with a man who is not on board with your emotional needs. Time to pack up all those great qualities that are you and move on and don’t look back!

ejedlicka's avatar

From a girl that had the exact same thing happen to her this is what I’m going to say to you. for every month you were together allow one day to wallow in your sorrows, for me I got 20 days. After that, you need to hold your head high and move on with life. And when I say allow yourself 20 days, I mean a little bit of time each day, not the entire day. You need to become productive – some of my best and move moving paintings that sold for the most money were created during those 20 days for me and I am proud of what I learned not about what I was with him but what I had to potential to become.

To me, the best form of expressing anger is applying it to a page, for me it is acryllic and spray paint that work the best but use whatever brings you joy – it could be painting or drawing or writing or even doing a math problem but find a way to express yourself through your troubles and you will create something wonderful. It may not become something that you can sell but keep whatever you produce as a reminder of where you were and how far you’ve come.

Next I suggest you talk to people that are close to you and trustworthy, if you have mental problems (which i also had) this blow is a devestating one and I understand. This is why you need to get all the feelings out of you.

Contrary to what everyone else on here says, I am saying DO NOT look at all the pictures and memories (THROW THEM AWAY!!!) and DO NOT lay in bed because these are surefire ways to make those 20 days hell for you. Keep what you have to and throw everything else away.

The best part about your situation is that you have learned a great deal in how to deal with a relationship. DO NOT fall quickly and DO NOT fall hard for a boy – it leads to heartbreak. DO NOT give yourself to a boy unless you are 100% about him.

The hardest part about your situation is that he was your first boyfriend. Don’t allow what this boy has done to you to create a wall for your future relationships. There are boys out there that will prove to you that you are special and beautiful. There are boys out there that are nothing like the boy that just walked out of your life and those boys are worth a hell of a lot more. Let them in, no too quickly, but let them in because they are the ones that will show you love and what you deserve and every girl in the world deserves to feel like a princess.

Amazebyu's avatar

This worked for me in the past:

Cry all you can at first, (try not to do it too often that it becomes a rutine). Read the book “it’s called A breakup because it’s broken” that book maid me laugh while I was in pain so it helps. Go out with your friends. Try foods, go yo places you would never eat or go to while you were with him. Exercise, get a make over. And ultimately but most importantly, delete all way of contacting him. You don’t want to be tempted to call, email, text him. Also, you can write him a letter saying how much of an idiot, looser, lame, jerk etc he is and don’t send it to him- it’s a good way to vent out.
Just be patient, time heals all. I was like a walking zombie when my ex dumped me a year ago, and now I can laugh about it and thank him (secretly) for letting me go.
Good luck! :)

Hibernate's avatar

This happens when you go into a relationship with someone who hasn’t cut off the ex.
You were used by him to either make the ex jealous or just a safety relation.

There’s no “just get over him” easy.
You will feel sorry for yourself which is good.
In any case please don’t despise and go against all brothers. Thank you ^^

cheebdragon's avatar

The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else….

john65pennington's avatar

A three-way love affair is never easy to take apart. Eventually, someone is going to get hurt and now that person is you. I think that all of us have been in a similar situation, at one point in our lives. So, this means you have plenty of friends to share this with on Fluther.

It will get better, but its going to take time.

Try to forget about him and really become involved in a work project or hobby.

Sorry this has happened to you, but I think all of us people on Fluther, would be happy to stand by your side and talk to you at any time.

Listen to the song Love Hurts by Roy Orbison on Youtube.

ram201pa's avatar

Feeling for ya….big hugs.

kukuakukua's avatar

The easiest way to get over this guy who clearly doesn’t deserve you is to focus on the bad times instead of the good, would you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you? ofcourse not, you deserve better than that, cry but focus on other things in your life. don’t rush into a pitty relationship yet and don’t entertain him, cut off all communications. good luck

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