You might be looking for friends in the wrong places and have a distorted view of what a friend is. You should definitely not compromise your morals. It’s OK to say, “Hey Mary, I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I don’t smoke or drink and I don’t feel comfortable going to parties and stuff where that’s going on. So go ahead to the party without me and maybe we can do something like go hiking on Saturday instead.” That way, you’re not coming off as being a party pooper, rather than a friend who relates to Mary in a different way than the party friends do.
Or if you find out that someone you thought was a friend is really doing something bad, like underaged drinking or doing drugs, you might have to re-evaluate your friendship with someone like that.
Also, I’ve found that it’s much easier to find friends that you relate to easier, if you find them in places where you are involved in activities that are already fun or special or important to you. You are not likely to find real friends in a bar (although it does happen that people meet people in bars that end up being friends) but if you are interested in say cooking, or painting or photography or poetry or whatever it may be, you are likely to find people that have common interests and passions as you do. But if you stay holed up in your house, you aren’t going to find people easily.
Even if you are an “introvert” (and that can have many different meanings to different people) you still owe it to yourself and to other people, who have to interact with you throughout your life, to learn how to be a good conversationalist, and someone who puts other people at ease and makes them feel important and listened to and comfortable. If you are not that type of person, other people (potential friends) will not flock to you. Or if you appear to be needy, or stand-offish, or put forth some type of “don’t bother me” body language (that you may be unware of) that will turn people off too. I’ll use your avatar as an example. In that picture, you look like you are hiding and unhappy. I’m not saying that you should change your avatar, but if you look like you are scared and unhappy, people are not as likely to come up to you and make conversation than if you look happy and approachable.
You also need to learn to make the first move with people. You can practice this technique at the grocery store. I do it all the time, I used to be quite shy and quiet, but one of my good friends was always talking to total strangers about all kinds of regular every day things. She could disarm even the grumpiest grump. So I started trying to do what she did and it’s worked out very well, not only with friends, but at work, and around relatives. You just need to learn to lighten up and casually start talking to people (don’t run up to them and bombard them with tales of woe).
Older folks at the grocery store seem to really appreciate having people, especially polite, interesting young people talk to them (a lot of older folks suffer from loneliness, because of loss and the “generation gap” and because older folks are generally marginalized in our society) So by talking with oler folks, whenever you meet them will give you both a positive boost in your life. Below are some sample opening lines when you see an older person at the grocery store. You can practice your conversational skills and make someone happy at the same time.
“Wow, that is a beautiful squash in your cart. Is that a butternut squash? I’ve been learning how to cook lately and I’ve wanted to experiment with cooking squash, but I’m a little leery. How do you prepare it?” (That was your opening line, it wasn’t weird or intimidating and is likely to start a whole conversation. Add to it, ask more questions and tell them a little bit about yourself, then thank them and say that maybe you’ll bump into them in Vons again)
Or if you see someone pondering in the baking aisle, sidle on up and say, “Hmmm I was thinking about making some kind of dessert this weekend, now that fall is here. What do you think? Should I make a pie or a cake? I’m not the best baker in the world, but I’ve made it a goal this year to bust out the cookbooks and start baking. What are you getting?”
Or if you see a gentlemn in the canned vegetable aisle, you could say, “So what looks good tonight? I was thinking about making some soup, but I’m just not sure. I’ve been eating frozen pizza all week and I figure that I should really boost my vegetable intake. What are you getting?”
Or if you see a couple in the meat department, you can say “Wow, those steaks look great! Are you guys barbecuing tonight? My Dad’s really good with the barbecue, but we haven’t really done it since summer. How are you preparing those steaks, are you going to put some kind of a dry rub on them or do you have some type of a special marinade? I’ve been watching the food network a lot lately and they do some incredible things with barbecue.”
Now believe me, this will get easier as time goes by, but by practicing in the grocery store, you will simply get the hang of conversation and learn how to give and take, and not to appear scared or needy, just friendly. Don’t push it too far, just keep it light and fun and always say that it was night talking to them or nice meeting them and then smile and wave and say bye. And by practicing with these folks, there is no pressure on any one. This is just a way to learn to be nice and friendly and learn how to easily talk to people.
Then when you go to your activities (the one’s you’ve chosen that are interesting to you) you can try out your new conversation skills. Keep it up and practice practice practice. You will become a different person. Still your same self, but a more confident, pleasant person.
Give it a try and let us know how it works out. : )
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