General Question

suzanna28's avatar

Is it weird to send an email 1 year in advance to let people know you are having a destination wedding ?

Asked by suzanna28 (684points) October 18th, 2011

I did this and think it is a good idea as it give people time to think/ prepare for it.

However some people didn’t reply to say they are even thinking about it and it hurts my feelings.

I know it is far away but still I think it would be polite if they could even say ” I’ll think about it”

Any yes they did receive the email and some of them are close family.

I just think it would be courteous to even say “will think about it”

What do you think?

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31 Answers

rebbel's avatar

It is not weird, in my opinion (although half a year would be appropiate too).
Maybe you should have written a line in the mail that asked for a reply or maybe you already did?.

boxer3's avatar

I think that’s a good idea for the reasons you’ve stated,
It gives people more time to plan and budget.

Maybe they could give a pending idea if they can go or not, and
then set a date a little closer to the wedding for a definitive yes or no

linguaphile's avatar

I understand the desire to get a response—after all, it’s your wedding and you’d like to hear back from people. However, my guess is that most people saw it as a notification, or a ‘save the date’ note that didn’t need a RSVP. The way I see it, when I get ‘save the date’ notes or an in-advance destination wedding note, I see it as a scheduling courtesy and rarely ever respond to these. I usually respond only if I have questions.

What I tend to expect is that the actual invitation will be forthcoming sometime soon and that invitation is what I respond (RSVP) to.

If you want to know their responses, why not ask them. Maybe they’re like me and didn’t know you wanted a response?

smilingheart1's avatar

In the times we live in, I don’t think this is all that unusual. There is just so much to coordinate and people think “ooooh, schedules, family coordination, travel, accomodations, time off work, gift….” It gets a lot when you are coming at it from the guest’s perspective. Maybe some of them are thinking about it and that is why no response yet, and maybe some of them are seeing it that you are firing a warning shot that the invite is coming.

Coloma's avatar

Your approach is fine, but, you need to know that long distance weddings are not in everyones budget.

My ex sister-in-law ( my daughters aunt ) is marrying on the east coast next year and it is doubtful my daughter and her boyfriend will be able to attend from California.

Giving plenty of notice is fine, but, you CANNOT be pissy if you have less than the turn out you desire. No offense, but, there is no wedding on the earth that I would spend thousands to travel too, unless it was my own daughter.

marinelife's avatar

I think for a destination wedding a year’s notice (for vacation planning purposes) is great!

Did you ask them to reply with “we’re coming;” “we’re thinking about it;” or “we can’t make it?”

That would have been the thing to do.

suzanna28's avatar

Okay cool
Yeah I did ask them to reply if they are thinking about it..or even if it is a no.

Judi's avatar

Don’t take it personally. You will need to have a personal conversation with those that you think will attend but didn’t respond.

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
Coloma's avatar


It might take them a few weeks to decide if they think they can pull it off. If it’s only been a few days, give it some time. There is no point in responding with a ” We’re not sure yet ”.

john65pennington's avatar

Your idea is okay, but since many peoples memory is short, they probably will forget it a year down the road.

Why not wait and send the notification 60 days in advance? This will give people time to make a plane reservation or arrangements at their work, so they can attend.

JLeslie's avatar

I would send another in 6 months. Save the date cards or evites are typically sent 4–6 months in advance, which is basically what your email was. Formal wedding invitations 6–8 weeks in advance of the wedding.

Is the wedding very far away? Or, a short flight? If it is just a long weekend type trip, they won’t need so much advance notice. Also, I assume you are hoding a block of rooms for people, so hotel is not a big concern for them in advance, just the flight.

I think probably a lot of people saw it as you just sending an FYI, don’t take it personally. A year in advance is very far in advance for most people, but I am very sure many people appreciate the heads up so they can plan vacations.

gailcalled's avatar

I fall into the minority here but at my age I don’t want a year’s warning. That way, I have less wiggle room if I don’t want to attend.

downtide's avatar

I don’t think it’s weird, but it might upset people who can’t afford to go, and that may be the reason they’re not responding at all. You should arrange an extra party at home, to cater for those people.

JLeslie's avatar

@downtide Why should she feel obligated to have a second party? That will cost her money. A lot of people do what you suggested, but in the end it is her wedding. A lot of people have destination wedding so save money. Smaller wedding with the honeymoon built in.

SpatzieLover's avatar

I agree with @downtide. It’s polite, since you are inviting people, if they can’t do a destination, to at least have a family/friends gathering after the destination.

It could be as simple as a well planned out backyard BBQ type party. If you choose not to do anything closer to home, don’t be surprised if you receive few presents from those that could not attend your destination wedding.

JLeslie's avatar

@SpatzieLover I would think a destination wedding would be a limited group of people anyway. But assumptions are never good, for all I know she is inviting 200 people to the destination.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@JLeslie I’ve known people that have invited all of their family and friends, when the destination is more than 2K miles away from where everyone lives. That’s why I said I mentioned the at home party.

I, myself, eloped on Leap Day. We invited no one. However, months later we had an elegant catered affair very near our home. We invited everyone to the reception on Memorial weekend. We knew most of our friends/family would be able to attend.

JLeslie's avatar

@SpatzieLover You eloped, which means to me no one was able to attend. A destination wedding people will have the opportunity to attend. Again, I am not against the idea of a party for friends, I just think the bride and groom should not feel obliged to do it. My neighbor’s daughter had a destinations wedding. She invited close relatives and very close friends. They did a party a few weeks later here at home, which I wound up unable to attend, I was invited, I am sure I would have been invted to the wedding if it had been local, but it was just a regular party, no music, no dancing, not like a big reception. I don’t think it was necessary. It is nice to be able to celebrate their wedding with them, but it was just another party. I know that probably sounds terrible. As far as gifts, I had already bought them a gift a month before their wedding, before I ever knew about any follow up party, or had been invited to anything. I didn’t need to be invited to want to buy them something. Oh, and the party was thrown by a close friend of the family’s.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@JLeslie This is in general…But I’ll explain…

I could easily have not made it an elopment. We could have made this a destination wedding, as I’ve known many people that have invited all of their family & friends to Vegas or to the island they married at. I thought it was asking to much of people to have to pay to attend my wedding. That’s just a personal opinion of mine, though.

Even for our reception, we added on our invite that our guests were invited to dress comfortably. I personally do not feel comfortable with asking people to spend money to attend a gathering. Personally, I’m not at all fond of a “black-tie” invite from family or friends, as it usually means I’ll need to go and purchase a new outfit.

Especially in this economy…but really it’s my philosophy in any economy, if you choose a destination wedding, don’t expect gifts to come your way…I think this was explained well in this thread

The only reason I bring up gifts is because of what @suzanna28 said above:
However some people didn’t reply to say they are even thinking about it and it hurts my feelings.

I can see down the road with that opinion, where @suzanna28 will be a year or so from now after her wedding.

JLeslie's avatar

@SpatzieLover I want to be clear that I see nothing wrong with the choice you made, elope and a local party later sounds fine to me. I too do not believe in requiring people to spend money on attire, my own wedding the people who stood up with my husband and I wore whatever they wanted. The men did wear tuxes (actually I don’t remember if his brother maybe just wore a dark suit? I would have to look back at my photos. My father went ahead and rented one, because he did not have a dark suit that fit anyway) and the women had no rules, they did not match. My wedding was actually fairly formal (you can see some pics on my facebook) but we did not dictate any rules on attire, not even to the bridesmaids and best men.

One of the best weddings I went to was a close friend who had an afternoon wedding in her church, and then we all changed to casual, many of us in jeans and shorts for the big reception at her parents house. Big tent, band, etc.

I agree, she likely will get fewer gifts if people feel they are unable to attend the wedding because it is a destination. I would think close relatives would still send a gift whether they go to the wedding or not. But, distant relatives and friends probably won’t buy anything.

suzanna28's avatar

I only invited people who i know can afford it..

There is no issue about wedding gifts etc as I am not expecting any..

Also why should there be something wrong with you saying you can’t afford it. It is better than no answer at all .

I think silence is rude.

JLeslie's avatar

@suzanna28 Usually I agree, silence is rude. I think most likely people have no idea if for sure they are going to make it or not, except for people who would not miss it for the world no matter where it is or when it is. A year is very far in advance for most people to make any promises.

If it was worded like there is an RSVP expected, then if they don’t know their answer, that might be why they have not answered. Most hold the date invitiations do not require a response if I am not mistaken. At least I think that is the etiquette regarding hold the date.

If you sent an email just announcing your engagement, then I would think you would get emails back with congratulations, when’s the date questions, things like that.

Judi's avatar

Someone else might think it’s rude to be put on the spot so far out.

JLeslie's avatar

Below are some sites regarding the etiquette on the matter.

So, it seems it is not rude for them not to reply if they are familiar with the save the date practice.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@JLeslie This is an email, not an invite with a “Save the Date” card.

@suzanna28 we have gone rounds in the past with what you consider polite/rude. Suffice it to say, I agree with @Judi.

JLeslie's avatar

@SpatzieLover It is an email save the date. Isn’t it? I mean effectively that is what it is. She is giving a heads up about the date, invitation to follow.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Sorry @JL I mis-read your reply above. No, it is not rude for them to not reply.

JLeslie's avatar

No problem. I kind of talked in circles in my answers. I agree not rude.

Cupcake's avatar

@suzanna28, I think you need to be much more patient with your invitees. I’m pregnant, have a teenage son and a husband who only gets 2 weeks vacation per year. My cousin is getting married in FL next Thanksgiving (we live in NY) and I have no idea whether we’ll be able to go. 1 year ahead is WAY too far for me to commit to anything.

I think your “save the date” email was considerate, but categorizing non-responses as rude is too much, in my opinion.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

It’s not weird at all but don’t expect many people to respond since most don’t plan their own vacations that far in advance much less going to a wedding. Since it’s a destination wedding then I would follow up with an email or evite in 6 mos. then again 3 mos beforehand. Don’t get your feelings hurt but keep in mind most people won’t spend more money going to wedding they wouldn’t spend on their own family vacations unless their very close, very dear friends.

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