General Question

EmptyNest's avatar

What would you say to your 31-year-old daughter who sticks with a man who has abused her?

Asked by EmptyNest (2033points) November 2nd, 2011

My daughter has always been very confident. She used to fight boys as a teenager if they picked on other girls. I taught her all her life not to chase a man or to allow herself to be abused, physically, mentally or sexually. She used to pride herself on that. Now she says she’s in love for the first time and thinks she can help him overcome his narcissistic, sense of entitlement—not to mention he cheats on her constantly and is spreading Herpes with no conscience whatsoever.

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69 Answers

john65pennington's avatar

Your daughter ls living with a stick of dynamite, but you know this.

I realize that love can sometimes be blind, but domestic violence situations can turn ugly, really fast. Even to the point of death.

My suggestion is counseling for your daughter for the sake of her safety.

By going to couseling, at least the counselors will be aware of your daughters situation.

Is it possible your daughter has a psychological problem? If so, this may be your key to break her cycle of abuse. Your family doctor will have to be involved to sign papers for her evaluation.

This may seem like an extreme move on your part as her parent, but how far would you go to save her life?

Sher_King's avatar

No matter how strong you daughter was or still is, it can take one person to ruin all that for her. Its life. And in this point of her life, she needs your help. It doesnt make her weak or strong. It simply means that she is inlove with the wrong person and she will learn from this. However, you must react immediatly. The kid is spreading herpes. He could also be spreading something else, and that puts your daughters health at risk. This is serious stuff. You care for your daugther. Thats all she needs to move on from this. Her mom. I hope this helps.

Bagardbilla's avatar

I didnt see you specifically mention how he may be abusing her (perhaps mentally)... Any how, he simply seems to be selfish and inconsiderate, not to mention the whole STD thing.
It has taken him this long to become who he is, it will take a long long time before your daughter may be able to help him, and that’s After he realizes he has a problem, AND wants to do something about it!
The question is, does your daughter know what she’s gotten herself into, is committed to it, and lastly is ready to invest unknown number of years in a relationship which will bless her with infidelity, mental and possibly physical abuse, STD’s, and sacrifice of the prime years of her life!
I’m sure there are better horses to bet on out there then this manged beast.

JLeslie's avatar

I would say, “If your best friend X was dating a guy who cheated constantly and was physically abusive, what would you advise her to do?” Hopefully she will be a little more objective. Has your daughter ever been through a bad break up before?

flutherother's avatar

If your daughter is 31 years old there is not much you can say to her. It sounds like she is in slow motion train crash. Keep the spare bedroom ready.

choreplay's avatar

I’d say, “Honey, when you hit bottom and are ready to change the situation, I’m here for you no matter what. I really hope you make this decision soon because I love you and know you deserve better.”

captainsmooth's avatar

I am here for you whenever you need me, no matter what happens. Best of luck to her and hopefully she will realize that she deserves better quickly.

tedd's avatar

In an ironic turn, I would slap her and ask “what are you, stupid?”

marinelife's avatar

1. You love her.

2. She is worth loving. She is a beautiful, smart woman.

3. She deserves to be loved without the cost of her current relationship.

4. You will help her get out.

Buttonstc's avatar

The more you criticize him to her, the more she will be compelled to defend him. I’m assuming you’ve already expressed your opinion to her already. Continuing to do so will be of little benefit at this point in time. Just realize that your warnings will come into focus when she is ready to hear them. Don’t keep harping at her about it.

A few practical suggestions come to mind. I would be certain to let her know that if she should ever come to feel differently about the situation, my door would always be open to her at any hour of the day or night if she feels the need for a safe haven. No recriminations, no “I told you so”, just open arms and love and support.

There is a part of her that realizes the truth of the situation. She’s still in the stage of denial and magical thinking that her love will somehow change him. This is an all too common stage for women.

If she didn’t live within convenient driving distance from me, I would figure out a resource phone number in her locale for abused women to have immediate help in exiting an untenable and dangerous situation. You never know when reality will hit.

I would figure out how to give her a present with that phone no. on it in a hidden way but known to her. Perhaps engraved on the back pf a bracelet or inside a locket or whatever else could be a creative option unknown to him.

There are a few books which may prove helpful. Just make sure they’re encased in an opaque book cover so the title isn’t immediately apparent to him. I’ll edit them in at the end of this post.

The main point to stress is your love and concern for her well being rather than how much of a creep he is. It’s difficult to maintain a respect for her autonomy but she is an adult. Treating her like a child won’t get the job done at this point.

Yes, he’s a creep. But your primary goal is her well being not revenge on him. Just keep that priority straight in your mind.

The books I’ll recommend would also be helpful for you to read as well. It will give you better insights into the realities of this unfortunate situation.

“Why Does He Do That? : Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”
by Lundy Bancroft

“The Gift of Fear”
by Gavin deBecker

LuckyGuy's avatar

He’s spreading STDs?!?! Intentionally?!?!? And yo know about it?!?!?
She is an accomplice whether she admits it or not.

Sorry, I’d make a Facebook page with all his info so any woman who happened to look him up would know the score. Make sure to be absolutely factual in case it ever goes to trial. Give names, dates, times locations even picture if yo have them. The guy deserves to have his nuts cut.

Oh and ask your daughter to look in the mirror and ask herself is this really the best she thinks can do.

JLeslie's avatar

I think people are not recognizing that the OP’s daughter probably feels desperately in love with this man. When I stayed with a guy who was cheating and lying, it was not that I felt no one else would want me, I just could not imagine not being with him. The break up was extremely difficult for me. A couple years later I was dating a guy who was a little physically abusive and controlling. The most he had done to me was kick me really hard under the table when he was upset with something I said in front of friends at dinner, but he had also kicked his father in front of his niece who came running to me upset during a holiday party. Anyway, I was terrified to break up, because my break up with the other boyfriend had been so incredibly painful. Then one day my roommate said, “If I was dating someone who treated me like your boyfriend, what would you want me to do?” It completely woke me up. I didn’t break up the next day, but shortly thereafter, the next time he did something screwy I left him. I was shocked that I was fine. Not upset at all. I never would have expected that. He did call me to try and get me back. I saw him as I left work a few times. He scared me a little bit, but then a friend finally talked to him one day and he stopped.

Cruiser's avatar

I doubt there is anything you can say she does not already know. Just be there for her if and when things really break bad for her. In the meantime all you can do it remind her of how special she really is and how she deserves better treatment from a man. Maybe one day these words will sink in.

CaptainHarley's avatar

My first impulse would be to tell any of my daughters who did that they were an idiot. BTW… I have learned over the years not to give in to impulse.

gm_pansa1's avatar

Sometimes you can’t say anything. You can try, but if she doesn’t want to listen, she just doesn’t want to listen. :/

wundayatta's avatar

Pretty much everyone seems to be in agreement. You can’t tell her what to do. You can’t criticize her boyfriend. What you can do is assure her that you love her no matter what and that you will always be there for her if she needs you.

In addition, you have been advised to see if she would get into therapy. I think that is a good idea, but it does fall under the “you can’t tell her what to do” category.

One way of suggesting things to people is to not tell them what to do, but talk about situations in your own life where you faced an issue related to this one. Like the stories you are reading here. In addition, I think you can tell her something once or twice. But that’s it. After that you become a nag and she stops listening, and maybe even stops visiting you.

I would also question why she is involved with this guy. It suggests to me that she feels a lack of lovableness in some way that she would see this guy as acceptable because he makes her feel loved.

zensky's avatar

As Elton John said; it’s a sad, sad situation.

I don’t know what I’d do – probably make all kinds of mistakes – threatening, pleading, screaming and begging.

I hope I might take the more civil route, calmly and collectively explaining the error of her ways – but asking her to at least consider therapy if she absolutely must be with him.

Couple’s therapy. She would learn a lot from it – and who knows – people do change. Perhaps he would – or at least she would discover what an a-hole he is, and while being in therapy – have the support to let go.

Bon chance. Hugs.

Pandora's avatar

This is what I did with my daughter. We had a long conversation and I made sure not to raise my voice. I asked her if she thought I loved her. She said yes. I asked her if she felt I would move heaven and earth to keep her safe and feel loved if I could. She said yes. Then I asked her if she felt her boyfriend would do the same. She said well its a different kind of love. I told her no it wasn’t. I asked her did she feel her dad would do the same for me and she said yes.
I told her her boyfriend wasn’t for her. He wasn’t really a bad person (like you described) but he was definetly not in love with her. Not the same way she felt for him and he was taking advantage and just hanging on to her for his convience.
Of course she got mad but I reminded her that my advice is coming from a place in love. I didn’t give birth to her and love her all those years and watch her become a confident woman to see it all undone by a man who isn’t worthy of her love. A man who doesn’t see her love as special as we know her to be. She said he has problems and I pointed out that he is 35 and if he hasn’t figured out how to resolve his own problems by now than he never will. She should be looking for someone who is her equal and would be her partner and they both can enhance each others growth. . Not an overgrown child who only knows how to take but not give in return. I pointed out that he had all the attributes of several of our family members and she knows how that all turned out. It only gets worse with age. And plenty of people have tried to guide them and help them and it never turns out great.
So I asked her if she really wanted a life time of helping him grow up and how much time is too much time?
Luckily she broke up with him the next day. They had a huge fight and she finally said it was enough.
She wasn’t happy about our conversation but I told her I couldn’t stand by any longer and lie to her about how I felt. I always prided myself in being honest with her and this was one lie I could not stomach. I told her I loved her too much to watch her slowly self destruct and not say anything.
I asked her if she loved me enough to do the same. She wasn’t happy about saying yes but she understood why I had to tell her the things I did. She knew it wasn’t me trying to be controlling but rather I was hoping to wake her to the reality of this relationship.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Screw her low self esteem! That is only messing up her life! He’s spreading herpes, intentionally!!! She needs to spread the word otherwise she is enabling him and is just as guilty!!!
If I was a woman and found out that I had a “friend” who didn’t tell me about a dangerous partner, every flare up would remind me to make both their lives miserable.
And if I got cervical cancer from the POS I would make sure he checked out before me.

Oh @Pandora You are so reasonable. GA

JLeslie's avatar

@worriedguy Cervical cancer is caused by HPV not HSV. Pretty much the majority of men spread HPV just by having sex, because they almost all have it. Herpes (HSV) is typically not contagious except during an outbreak. Don’t get me wrong, I think sexual partners have a right to know he has herpes, but there are a whole bunch of people out there who are positive for the virus and don’t know it, or had one outbreak way back when and never thought about it again, and don’t think about it with sex partners.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@JLeslie Agreed. But I’ve read it increases the chances. Also if the guy is spreading it by accident or unknowingly, that is a different story. But intentionally? That is where I draw the line.
It shows a lack of respect for the partner..

JLeslie's avatar

@worriedguy Well, it cam probably be argued it is not intentional.

Coloma's avatar

I don’t have much to add to the already sage advice and sharings, other than to reiterate that there is nothing you can do until she is ready to face the reality that she is wasting her precious energies on a mentally unwell loser.

Most women that stay in bad situations do think that they can somehow change this person if they “love” them enough. It’s a hard lesson a lot of people have to experience, men included.

People don’t change until they are damn good and ready, and, if this guy is truly a malignant narcissist, good luck, that’s one Leopard that will never change it’s spots.
However, your daughter has her own spots to worry about changing.

Best to you and yours.

stardust's avatar

It’s a sad situation and there’s nothing you can do until your daughter wants to get out of this situation. As long as she knows you’ll be there and ready for her, then she’ll feel safe to talk to you when she’s reached the bottom with him.
I’m sorry you have to watch her go through this.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@JLesle the OP wrote “he cheats on her constantly and is spreading Herpes with no conscience whatsoever.” That is close enough to “intentional” for me.

JLeslie's avatar

@worriedguy The OP, I am guessing, simply knows he has herpes and cheats. Maybe he gave her daughter herpes, I don’t know. He is not in a constant state of outbreak. Do you know how many people I know who have had fever blisters on their lips in their lifetime and never warn a new partner before they kiss, or have oral sex with them? Or, share a drink or food, or many other ways the virus could be passed? They have herpes. I am not defending it, I am just saying people don’t really take in the whole reality of STD’s.

CaptainHarley's avatar


Excellent, excellent approach… really!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Gewgle anger management/identifying an abuser. There’s a checklist of behaviors, many of them passive aggressive that people in AM get to read through. Print that out and give it to her. She can either read, research or ignore at this point but at least she’ll know you care, you see, you suspect and you’re not buying any kind of facade on this guy.

Scooby's avatar

I’m not a father but my niece (my sisters daughter ) was with a guy who basically alienating her from the family… He would make her life hell if she wanted to visit or just spend time with her Mam, her friends were also very concerned too because he never made them feel welcome when they hung out together; he was very controlling all the time.. Anyway, after several moths of trying to convince her daughter to drop this guy & move back home ( she was worried sick ) my Sis came to me; to, not have a word with my niece but to have a word with this guy ( I didn’t know him, never met him ) so, myself & her Dad paid him a little visit… He got the message; in fact he broke it up with her just over a week later when my niece returned from University

CaptainHarley's avatar


Good for you! All the men in my family are very protective, all of them have concealed carry permits, three of them a prior military. When we pay a guy a lil visit, he’s OUTTA there! Heh!

EmptyNest's avatar

Wow, there are SO many great answers that I haven’t even had the chance to finish reading them all. I love this site!
Now, here is some more information. @worriedguy, I completely agree with your vision of this thing being about the herpes things. What Tracy found out was that you DON’T have to have an outbreak to spread it because it’s a virus in the blood which is the scariest thing of all…meaning it’s in the semen itself as well as vaginal fluids—all body fluids. is a PRO FOOTBALL (Defensive End) player who is currently without team. He is 6’3” and 300 LBs. Tracy is 5’ 8” and 140 LBs. Tracy has the most perfect body I’ve ever seen on a woman. She is also a very successful manager of a huge clothing store. She is impeccable with her body her seven-year-old son (from her 10-year-marriage—which is about to be officially final at the end of the year.) Yes, I would do anything for her. When she was 14 I sent her to Cleo Wallace (google it) to save her life. When I posted my question, I was letting my emotions get to me. They had broken up but now she’s re-introducing him back into her life. My son, her older brother is very angry and Tracy is upset with HIM. God, this is maddening…let the comments continue… ask any questions you like and THANK you all again!

CaptainHarley's avatar


Welcome to Fluther! : )

EmptyNest's avatar

Thank you @CaptainHarley, I’m thinking of changing my user name again. I was pretty upset when I created it and it’s not a good description of who I am.

EmptyNest's avatar

OH, and he has abused her verbally AND physically!

Hibernate's avatar

It’s her life and the decisions are hers. I wouldn’t say anything. I’d just stay around and support her no matter what she decides. I just did that with mine and they all ended up to become great persons.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I’d let the name slip out or give a really big hint. The guy is a slime ball and it should be her duty to let other women know.
If some had warned her, she would not be in this position. Pay it forward, ladies. .

mrrich724's avatar

In my opinion, you don’t say anything b/c in these situations where it’s probably obvious to the victim what her situation is, there is nothing you can say . . . she has to figure it out for herself, and work through whatever’s causing her to deal with the shit.

rooeytoo's avatar

All of the old cliches apply, yougottawanna improve your life situation, until you do nothing will change regardless of what anyone else says, when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, that is a good one too. Bottom line, it all comes down to the individual, all the talk in the world won’t change anything. There is something in this woman that compels her to think that she can fix this man, that this is the way relationships work, or is a learned response from her past. I think you just have to be there and encourage therapy, 12 step programs, etc. when advice is requested.

Kardamom's avatar

First of all, you need to sit down with her and have an extremely calm conversation with her. If you get all emotional and start crying, or worse yet, yelling at her and telling her how horrible her boyfriend is, she will get defensive and probably try to stay with him just to spite you.

So arm yourself with some good information and be prepared to offer her a place to live and to help her move out of their shared apartment (I’m assuming they live together, right?). Because she will use those things as “reasons” for why she can’t leave. She might say she has nowhere to go (give her a place to go). She might say she can’t move her stuff easily by herself (get a group of people together in advance that would agree to help her move).

Then, invite her over to your house, or a nuetral place like a diner or coffee shop, where she’s less likely to start having a screaming fit in public. Then give her a print out of something like this How to Spot Signs of An Abuser and give her some clear examples of how her boyfriend may have hurt her or manipulated her or lied to her.

And do what @JLeslie suggested. Ask her what she would want you to do, or what she would want her best friend to do, if they were in an identical situation. Would she be OK with letting you or her best friend stay with an abusive man?

Let her know that even though you realize that she has deep feelings of love for this man, that love is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship, and that she can’t fix him. Women have been trying to fix men for thousands of years and it can’t be done.

Point out to her in a very calm tone of voice that her boyfriend is not so different from thousands of other abusive men who have wives and girlfriends who try to fix them or change them. And just like all of those other women, they end up getting hurt emotionally or physically down the line too. Tell her, “Don’t allow yourself to become one of those women.”

Tell her that you’re considering going to a support group for parents of females that are in abusive relationships, because you not only want to help her you have to help yourself to be able to cope with this terrible situation.

Ask her if she’d be willing to go into couples counseling with this guy (I’m guessing that she’ll say no because she knows that the guy would never agree to it). Ask her why not? Whatever kooky answer she gives you, you must reply to her, “Well honey, if you and Rex are not willing to go to counseling together, then there’s really no hope for this relationship. He is damaged, but if he’s unwilling to change and get the help that he desperately needs, you can’t fix him.”

And then tell her that she would be doing herself a huge favor, if she went into some short term therapy on her own, to learn new techniques on how to cope, because right now, she’s not coping, she’s simplly giving into this guy, in hopes that she can change him or fix him, but that is simply not possible.

Be prepared ahead of time, by talking to your own doctor and having your doctor give you some suggestions on what type of therapy is available for your daughter. Don’t just tell her she needs therapy, you need to give her concrete information on where to go and who to call and possibly give her some finanancial help to pay for the therapy. Otherwise she’ll just say no and that she can’t afford it.

If none of this works, you may have to arrange an intervention. My family and I had to do that for one of my female cousins. Her husband had verbally abused her for years and isolated her by moving to another state and not allowing her use of the car or telephone, and then we found out that he was physically abusing my little 5 year old nephew. That was the last straw. I will advise you, that if you are going to stage an intervention, do it with a professional, rather than the way we did it with just our relatives. It got ugly. A professional can help you to say the right things, to help your daughter in a safe and legal manner, and he can help you prepare a plan, in advance. If you and your relatives just drag her out, you have to have some sort of a plan in place for where she will live, how to get her things, whether or not any legal action will be taken against the boyfriend etc.

If, after you’ve staged an intervention and your daughter still won’t leave. Let her know that you are ready to accept her into your home and to help her leave, whenever she hits rock bottom. Then leave her alone and let her come to you, but leave the lines of communication open to her, so that she can contact you when the time comes.

Here is a site that discusses the Types of Therapy Available and How to Find a Therapist

Here is a site that discusses How to Leave and Abusive Partner at the bottom of the page is the phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1–800-799–7233

And here is a bunch of Links to Sites that can offer Help to Battered and Abused Women

So spend a day or 2 and get your plan together. You might want to talk to a few of your daughter’s friends, because you will probably need them to help you, and to offer additional support for your daughter. Good luck : )

EmptyNest's avatar

@Kardamom, wow. Thank you very much for the great information as well as the advice. Thank you all, very much!

EmptyNest's avatar

P.S. They don’t live together. Thanking God for that. Just worried with her divorce around the corner it might go there.

Kardamom's avatar

@MeanPeopleSuck Glad to be of assistance. I’m on the fringe of a horrible situation with an old and dear friend of mine right now. She lost her job awhile back and I had not heard from her by phone, e-mail of Facebook in quite awhile. Another one of our mutual friends found out that our friend’s husband had commandeered our friend’s FB page and was posing as her. Then he started posting hideous comments about some of our mutual friends (as if these comments were coming from his wife) and then he started posting photographs of one of our group’s newborn baby and calling her a wh*re. So the mutual friend who was being harrassed had to contact FB and get all of that taken down. She is clear across the country, but when she found out that our friend’s husband has been abusing her (apparently for years now) she actually contacted the police in our friend’s town and there is currently an investigation going on. Our friend’s mother and sister have also been contacted, but they have been estranged from her and her husband for so many years (due to their erratic behavior) now, that they are reluctant to stage an intervention. Our friend had a very ugly phone conversation with the mutual friend who was being harrassed by this gal’s husband, and now she refuses to speak to anyone or to leave her husband, even though she found out that he had comandeered her Facebook page, without her knowlege, and was harrassing her friends. She told our mutual friend that she “loved him more than life itself.” We are all very concerned that she might commit suicide. I hope your daughter’s situation hasn’t yet gotten this bad, but take it very seriously and offer her help, sooner rather than later.

I wish you the best of luck.

JLeslie's avatar

I know this question is not about herpes, but it is difficult for me to let the misinformation pass by. Herpes is not transmitted in semen, blood, or saliva (see how herpes is spread on the link) It can be transmitted in between outbreaks, because the virus can be shed while there is no outbreak present. It is less likely to shed in between outbreaks, and the shedding is in smaller numbers, so it reduces the risk of transmittion. There are people walking around who have no idea they are blood serum positive for herpes. They don’t remember an initial outbreak, or dismissed discomfort, and never had it diagnosed. Again, I am not okay with him not telling sexual partners he has it. I also would not trust a cheater, liar, abuser, to protect a sexual partner if he though he might have an outbreak coming on. Here is also the CDC site.

@MeanPeopleSuck Oh, and welcome to fluther :). Glad the collective could help. Let us know what happens.

EmptyNest's avatar

Thank you very much @JLeslie, that information is the most consoling thing I’ve heard in a week! This was Tracy’s thinking…So I will let her know. She found out through her regular “well-woman” check up and has never had an outbreak. Although I’m thinking an outbreak might just be her last straw with him. Who knows… By the way, (another question, I guess—I was upset when I started up my new account and don’t care for this name…anyone know how to go about changing it?

JLeslie's avatar

@MeanPeopleSuck Wait, during a well woman check up she found out she has herpes. That doesn’t happen. Not unless she had symptoms while she was at her check up, but you said she has not had an outbreak. Well woman is HPV (the wart virus) and there would be no way to prove it was from him, it could be from a previous partner. Herpes can be tested by blood is there has been exposure, but that too could be from a past partner.

JLeslie's avatar

@MeanPeopleSuck Send Augustlan a note about changing your name, she is the site manager. Just type her name in the search in the top right and she should pop up. She is usually online in the evening eastern time.

EmptyNest's avatar

Tracy always gets tested routinely… her choice. Thanks again @JLeslie

EmptyNest's avatar

It’s him. He later admitted that he knew he had it.

JLeslie's avatar

@MeanPeopleSuck Routinely tested for herpes? No she doesn’t. I have never heard of such a thing. She is in America right? You mean routinely since she found out he has it? She gets the blood test every year?

Bellatrix's avatar

I can’t add to the excellent advice you have received here. I just hope your daughter is okay and you find away to help her through this. Being a parent can be the hardest thing in the world. We want to protect them but sometimes we have to just be there and be ready to pick up the pieces. It is great she has a parent who cares so much and is so there for her.

EmptyNest's avatar

Sure, @JLeslie, she gets tested for that and HIV once a year. We’re in Colorado. In fact, once she told me about hers, I requested the tests for myself. Any OB/GYN will test you if you want to be tested.

JLeslie's avatar

@MeanPeopleSuck Sure, I know if you ask you can get the test, but it is not done routinely. That is where I guess I questioned it. If she finds out she is suddenly positive what is she going to do? Just be positive like the other 20% of the popuation? Or, whatever the percent is. She is going to start warning new boyfriends in the future?

EmptyNest's avatar

@JLeslie, You mean if she turns out HIV positive? GOD. I don’t know. I’m too terrified to even think about what either of us would do. I know for sure she would NEVER give it to anyone else. She’s so young and has always had a healthy sex life. I think having that done has more to do with her personality being the most organized and through person I’ve ever known. She truly is meticulous which makes this all the more tragic for her. :-(

JLeslie's avatar

@EmptyNest No. HSV positive. Herpes. You said she is tested every year along with HIV.

EmptyNest's avatar

She is positive for Herpes. That’s why it’s so devastating. Her fist thought was that her sex life was over. I think a small part of the reason she stays with him is because she doesn’t want to have any other partners, afraid she’ll pass it on. Kinda like staying in the fire so nothing ELSE burns.

JLeslie's avatar

@EmptyNest Oh, I had not understood that, or didn’t read your details well. I apologize. Well, she doesn’t have a reason to continue being tested for it then. Yes, she might stay with him partly because she fears no other man might want her sexually once he knows. I doubt that is her only reason for staying, but it probaby plays a part. She might feel like damaged goods. Just another thing to beat down her self esteem. But, as I said, many many people are positive. It isn’t that hard to find someone else who is positive. Plus, she has not had an outbreak, she only knows because she got tested, and she would never be tested unless she asked for the test. I am not even sure a GYN would test for it if you asked them to “test for everything” before becoming sexual with someone. Maybe they would? I’m going to ask a few on here out of curiosity. The HSV 1 or 2 can be just on the lips, and not even on the genitals. I think we all have a responsibility to let a partner know (that may have not come through in my discussion with @worriedguy) if we are aware.

JLeslie's avatar

She should not feel like her sex life is over. She might have been positive before this guy. She wouldn’t know if she had not been tested before, and she doesn’t remember ever having an outbreak.

Kardamom's avatar

Because your daughter is probably using the fact that she has herpes as a reason to stay with her abusive boyfriend, because she might feel like she won’t be able to find anyone else to date, you should check out some herpes support groups like This One. This particular site tells you everything you want and need to know about herpes, plus it has a section all about how to date when you have the disease.

This Site also has a lot of good resources.

There are also a bunch of dating sites that are specifically for people who have herpes like This One.

EmptyNest's avatar

I just can’t thank you all enough for these very kind, thoughtful and time consuming (for you) answers. I’m really not a private person but this is someone I would not normally share. The end, in this case, justifies the means. <3

Kardamom's avatar

@EmptyNest That’s why Fluther is so great. You can talk about things that might be difficult to discuss, even with your closest friends and relatives, and get real answers. And between us all, we can usually come up with some pretty good, factual information.

Don’t ever hesistate to ask us anything. We stay up late : )

If you want/need some more support while you are going through this whole situation, we’ll be here through the beginning to the end. So if you want to talk, you know where to find us. Once you’ve joined Fluther, you’ll never walk alone.

LuckyGuy's avatar

And another day passes with Wonder Boy facing no consequences for knowingly infecting women.
The weekend is coming. Will he have the chance to make another conquest or two? Why not?

Ladies, He clearly has no incentive to change. If you think this behavior is unacceptable then do something about it. The sooner you act, the better. The sister you save may be your own.

JLeslie's avatar

@worriedguy I really feel like you don’t have a strong understanding of the herpes virus. Probably most adults who have slept with more than 5 people have slept with someone who is positive without knowing it. Have you ever been tested? You would never be tested unless you requested it or had some sort of herpetic outbreak. And, everyone agrees this guy is a loser, irresponsible, and the woman in question would be better off without him.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Sounds like Uncle Guido needs to pay this cretin a visit. : )

JLeslie's avatar

@CaptainHarley I’m not against the idea. I just wrote a couple days ago on a different Q how someone I knew, when his parents were young his dad used to hit his mom. A brother of hers found out, and the brothers went and beat the crap out of her husband. He never hit her again.

CaptainHarley's avatar


LOL! Sounds like poetic justice to me! : D

JLeslie's avatar

@CaptainHarley That’s a nice way to word it. I call it mafia style, or mafia justice.

CaptainHarley's avatar

I know some Mafia types, have known one of them since high school, and some of them are surprisingly ethical. A lot better than most of the urban gangs and Columbian/Mexican drug lordlets.

JLeslie's avatar

@CaptainHarley These people were not mafia just to be clear. They are South American, but not Colombian or Mexican (well obviously not Mexican, since MX is not part of South America). But, it had nothing to do with being South American in my opinion.

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