General Question

WhiteWingDove's avatar

How to tell a family member I do not want any candid pictures taken?

Asked by WhiteWingDove (388points) November 22nd, 2011

My sister-in-law seems to think every picture she takes should be on Facebook. She even posts pictures of herself that are unflattering, her underwear or cellulite is showing (she wears a lot of short skirts), of family members while they’re eating, etc. I’m dreading the holiday visit. You wouldn’t believe some of the pictures she’s posted on Facebook!
I am trying to think of a way to request that she only takes posed pictures of me, and I will gladly stand behind her while she is snapping away with everyone else. Any suggestions?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

15 Answers

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

It’s time for a frank discussion with your SIL about how you feel. I once posted photos of a family gathering on Facebook. Two nieces delted the tags for the reasons you give. It was eye-opening, and I am now more sensitive to other’s opinions. It was a good discussion that led to no ill-feelings.

Ayesha's avatar

I have this problem too. Some friends of mine do the same, they take a lot of pictures at a gathering and put all of them up on Facebook. I hate it! I mean there are so many other people on their list I don’t even know of. You can either tell her to ‘hide’ the pictures. As in they can be only visible to you, her and some selected people. Or you straight away tell her you don’t like it. The latter worked for me. It’s your picture, you have full right to it.

marinelife's avatar

You need to take her aside well before the event and tell her putting the focus on your feelings.

“Hername, I’m hoping that you will be willing to help me out at the holiday get together. I really dislike candid photos of myself. So, if you will agree not to take any of me, then I will pose for you.”

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

First of all, this is a great question. Lots of people have to deal with this now…and it’s a great topic for discussion.

I don’t have a pat answer….but I don’t like being photographed. Once, I was followed around a shop by a person with a movie camera. I asked them to stop…and they didn’t. I felt really harrassed and left the shop because the management didn’t have an answer as to what to do.

I think that people now think that because they have phone cameras they can take photos of everyone. I had my photo taken once by a relative (because I didn’t say “No” and I should have) and it ended up on some slideshow for another relative’s funeral. I really found that appalling. I didn’t want to be up there at someone’s funeral or any other function. It really bothered me. And no, I am not on Facebook. A friend of mine who is in a highly professional position was horrified to find a photo of himself taken thirty years ago, when he was in college posing with a giant prop bottle of Jack Daniels at a frat party, looking thoroughly sloshed. The picture had been posted on the website of one of his younger cousins who had found the photo in a family album and thought it would be a scream to post it. (Uh, it was a scream, but not that kind.)

I think you should just say “no.”

Honestly, I wouldn’t even “pose” for a photo…I would take your relative aside and just say, “I don’t mind being photographed for the official family photo…but otherwise, would you mind not snapping my pix? Thank you for respecting my privacy.”

cazzie's avatar

You absolutely should have your privacy respected with it comes to published photos online. You and your children should have defined boundaries when it comes to the school as well as relatives. If she kept the photos private, that is one matter, but the fact she sticks them up on facebook is another matter all together. She has no right to do that. Does she tag you in the photos as well because you are on facebook?

You have every right to say, ‘No’. In fact, she should apologise for not asking permission. That is the correct etiquette.

You just have to broach the subject inoffensively. ‘You know those photos of me you put out on facebook? I don’t feel right about having photos of me online like that. It’s a personal privacy thing. I hope you understand.’ Something like that.

LuckyGuy's avatar

There is a relatively new feature in Facebook that enables you to decline being tagged in other people’s photos. You will receive an email /message if it happens and you must agree before it will be tagged.

When you see her starting to take pictures, offer to take pictures of her. Clearly she has a burning need to show others that her life is not boring. Is she recently divorced or starting to date again? Help her – with pictures of her.
The other alternatives are to not show up or not invite her. A frank discussion is needed.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

@worriedguy…From what I can intuit (I may be wrong) it sounds like this person enjoys her photo being publicized so taking pictures of her may only fuel her fire…! One of the things that is really amazing is how many people are photo-crazy and photo-narcissistic. The need for attention far outweighs any modicum of grace and sensibility.

I do agree with you @worriedguy….that a frank discussion is definitely called for. Just take her aside and tell her. I think it will be okay to do that. Sometimes, people love photos of themselves on social websites so much, they think everyone does. Time to set the record straight.

MrItty's avatar

Good for her. She obviously doesn’t think physical looks are important, and prefers to show people having fun hanging out, naturally, unposed. It’s disturbing to me that you think the only pictures you want anyone to see are pictures that you’re “prepared” for, as though the person you are every day is somehow inferior. If I was her, I’d be the one telling you off, not the other way around.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@MrItty I understand how you feel. I felt the same way while posting photos of my brother’s wedding for the family to see on Facebook. What I found out is that one niece did not want her Facebook friends to see her in what she perceived to be less-than-flattering light. The other did not want to have co-workers and clients see her with a glass of wine in her hand. I’ve also learned that any photo posted on the internet, or in a physical photo album for that matter, is not safe from the prying eyes of the outside world. When it comes to family and friends, why not ask those in view of the camera’s lens for permission to snap a shot?

marinelife's avatar

@MrItty Good for you that you feel that way, but everyone has the right to say how they are depicted. Why not respect others’ wishes that are different from your own?

emeraldisles's avatar

Exactly. I’m offended when people take pictures of me at the most inapppropriate times.I as well as many other people, like having our pictuures taken when we look good.I prefer to not even be photographed. Every one has their own preference.

MrItty's avatar

@marinelife The opposite question is no less valid – why not respect her wishes to take candid photographs, just because they’re different than your own?

WhiteWingDove's avatar

@marinelife Fair question. I’ll let other mutual Facebook friends partially answer your question: After SIL’s numerous postings to her Facebook Album I have received the following comments: “Boy, why does she hate those people so much to post those pictures?, that is such an unflattering picture of her sister”, This from my parents: “When I’m older if you ever post a picture like this where I look like I’m dead, I’d never forgive you” “She obviously has no respect for her relatives” “Good Lord, she’s got two pictures almost alike, she should have deleted this one where her daughter looks 30 lbs heavier”.
My answer, This is a woman in her 50s who copied a copy of her invalid dad where he had peed himself! I realize it is a ‘trust and respect’ issue, I guess I have little of either for her. Since I use a digital camera, I allow my subjects to view and request deletion of pics that they are not comfortable (TRUST). I also crop out clutter or extemporaneous matter to post pics that hopefully convey the fun, feeling and moment of activities (in my book- respect). I have had 2 family members that originally did not want pictures taken, after showing them the pictures ahead of time, they trust me and I’m thankful of the shots I have.

JilltheTooth's avatar

@MrItty : There are many circumstances where the public use of one’s image is illegal without authorization. Granted the laws have not yet caught up with situation in cyberspace, but it’s still an violation of privacy to post pictures in a public space without the subjects’ permission. If she wants to take and post candid pix of herself, fine. Not of others. Just because she can do it doesn’t mean she should or has any right to.

EverRose11's avatar

LOL usually I raise my hand and say the words ” No Thank You” and if they still try… I do it once more but with a lil more authority in my voice…and if they still continue , mind you as long as it is not a child…. Well I may just find myself getting a little more abrupt in my SHOUTING NO! STOP !!!!! WHAT PART OF &$%#*#)@ NO ~~~~~~DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? LOL Just kidding I really do just the first two and unless it is a child they will usually accommodate your feeling towards having your photograph taken OR NOT !!!!!!!... .... :-)

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther