Social Question

partyrock's avatar

Why is my crazy ex contacting me ?

Asked by partyrock (3870points) December 27th, 2011

I really don’t know what to do in this situation.

I was in a really abusive, painful relationship with my ex who is a sociopath. He just emailed me tonight, and the last email he sent before that was on October 2011. It was a really harmful relationship to both of us, more of me than him, since he was the one who physically hurt me and put bruises on my skin.

I don’t know why he is still trying to email me or reach out. I honestly don’t know why he is doing it. Maybe to get a reaction, maybe to feel like he has control again. It’s not for sex because he is a handsome guy and can get any girl he wants. It’s not to apologize. He just said something like “Hey, I don’t check up on you anymore, but I saw your ____ was cancelled. Hope the holidays went well for you.”

The last email he sent on my birthday was him just saying happy birthday, hope you are well. Even though he kicked me out of the apartment, with nothing but the clothes on my back. I’m really trying to not be weak. Considering all the abuse he has put in my life.

I’m tempted to either not do anything, get a restraining order, it’s really confusing. I do not want to be weak. I don’t want to go back to the very painful relationship. But a small part of me just wonders, what if? I know it sounds really really crazy. Considering a year ago, I almost tried to kill myself, and he said he felt like killing me if his abuse went out of hand.

Would the smartest thing to just delete it and make a new email? Possibly get a restraining order? I don’t want to be weak because I feel lonely right now. What do I do ?

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41 Answers

partyrock's avatar

This is exactly what he wrote in the last email I got today :

“Hey, Im not contacting for anything but to see if your ok. I hardly ever search you but when I did your modelmayhem is down,.. just hope everything is ok, im sure it is, your a strong survivor.

Anyways, hope the holidays were ok,...”

partyrock's avatar

I guess why I feel confused because it brought back a lot of old feelings.

It was a really intense, passionate relationship. Even when it went from love to hate. It doesn’t excuse the abuse at all. There’s times I still think about him. I feel like I would see him again, just for sex. I don’t want to be stupid though. Being with him was like being sucked into a very deep, dark, black hole. I made it out alive the last time, but emotionally and physically drained. It took me a long time to feel normal again.

With self help and distancing myself from him. Help.

partyrock's avatar

Does he want to hurt me again, is he bored, has he changed his ways, does he miss me, ?

AshlynM's avatar

Going back to an abusive relationship, whether physical or verbal is never a good idea. You’ll fall right back into the same pattern as before. Trust me. Don’t do it. You’ll just regret it later.

It’s best to move on. Delete any current and past emails, texts and phone messages from this guy. It may seem like he’s concerned about you now and wanting to be your friend, but he may have a hidden motive for contacting you.

Don’t contact him, don’t tell him where you are. Delete his phone number. Don’t contact any mutal friends you may have, either.

If you were lucky enough to get out alive, think about how much different it could be next time.

Good luck.

partyrock's avatar

I don’t know why after all the hurt and pain he has done I would even consider responding to him again. It really makes me feel sick. I don’t want to be weak and give in to him.

He threw me out onto the streets in Hollywood at midnight, I didn’t have any money or me, and I was pregnant with his baby. He did really messed up stuff to me no one should have to go through. I don’t know if I’m just being weak, emotional, traumatized, or if it’s in the cycle of abuse.

I don’t want to go back to it though.

everephebe's avatar

Troll or Trollish.
Take your pick.

partyrock's avatar

@AshlynM – Thank you. My email is the only thing he has. He doesn’t have my number, and his number is not in my phone.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

I know you said he e-mailed you, but I think that reading these articles might help you….

Link 1
Link 2

Check out other articles around that site as well if you’d like. The woman who writes the articles explains things in a way that make so much sense.

Bellatrix's avatar

He quite possibly wants to hurt you. It may be about control. You are getting on with your life and he wants to know if he still has the power to upset you.

Can I suggest you block his emails and his number on your phone. You don’t need to read his emails/see his texts/take his calls (just read he doesn’t have your phone details). You can choose not to. Block his email address.

Keep moving forward and don’t let this person sabotage your progress.

If you feel he is a danger to you, do get a restraining order. Better to be safe than sorry.

partyrock's avatar

Him telling me that I am a “strong survivor” is such a bullshit expression it doesn’t even make sense.. especially when it was all him who put me through hell. Anyway, I won’t contact or respond.

partyrock's avatar

@AnonymousGirl – Those look really interesting to read, thank you.

partyrock's avatar

@Bellatrix – I won’t, I’ll block his email now.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

You’re welcome. :)

Bellatrix's avatar

Good. Does he know where you live? Do you really feel he is a danger to you? If you really do, get a restraining order. You have a whole new life ahead of you. Sometimes our past partners can find it very threatening that we move on and are happy without them.

partyrock's avatar

@Bellatrix – No he doesn’t know where I live. Right after he kicked me out, where used to be mine and his place (well, technically his apartment since it was in his name), I made an effort to move and find a new place to live…. far away from him.. I don’t feel like he is a danger to me because he is not physically near or around me. But if I saw him in a grocery store I would definitely run the other way.

I asked my friend and he said I won’t be able to get a restraining order because they are just emails ? And he physically hasn’t hurt me in about 6 months—

LuckyGuy's avatar

Do not answer! No, No, NO!
It took him 30 seconds to write an email that you are fretting about for hours. The scum bag is controlling you again! Stop it!
Don’t reply. Either delete them or make a filter that automatically puts the emails in a folder in case you need them as evidence for harassment later.

He mentally abused you. He physically hurt you. He threw you out. He’s a scum bag.
I don’t give a sh*t how handsome he is, .you deserve better. Got it?!

jazmina88's avatar

Dont reply…dont go back…...
Move on. Even a restraining order would give him power. Let him go…...delete

Luiveton's avatar

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Ignore his ass, move on, I’m sure there are better guys.
A person never really changes who they are no matter what they do. Trust me.

Luiveton's avatar

The only thing that’ll stop you from thinking about him is another guy by the way. So find a distraction even if it’s not serious. Plus, not having serious relationships until you’re sure of a guy’s attitude is the best way to go on.

flutherother's avatar

Read and destroy. Don’t even think about his motives, they aren’t straightforward and they aren’t relevant anymore. You have been there you have done that and you have survived. Now you must move on.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@partyrock I’m going to use some strong language because you need a wake up call. It may get modded and don’t take it as a personal attack. You do not have a fucking clue about the dynamics of an abuser/abused relationship. Yes, you were on the abused side, but you don’t have a clue what game he was playing. The “A small part of me wonders what if” thing scared the hell out of me. You need some professional help to work you’re way through this. He’ll probably kill you if you go back to him.

sleepdoc's avatar

Unhealthy relationships shouldn’t be revisited.

marinelife's avatar

Do not weaken. Every time the small part of you wonders, recall an instance where he abused you,. how you were hurt, what awful things he did to you.

If I were you, I would not respond and change my email address.

I don’t think you have enough current stuff to get a restraining order. If he starts coming around your house or work, then you can contact the police.

Mariah's avatar

Do not reply.

john65pennington's avatar

Seek a Restraining Order. This man is ruining what is left of your life and you need a complete separation from him. ROs are much stronger today, than in the past. One violation of the order is 10 days to serve in jail.

Call your local police and they will advise you how to seek the RO. jp

GoldieAV16's avatar

A small part of you wonders ‘what if’. What if what? What if he wasn’t a sociopath? You already know he is. What if he changed? He can’t. Sociopaths – by definition – cannot and do not change. It is rare among mental disorders in that therapy actually makes it worse!

You know it sounds really really crazy. Well, yes, it does. That was his mission – to get you to join him in his madness. Since sociopaths cannot feel emotions as we do, they engage by drawing you into an intellectual relationship. They get you thinking, thinking, thinking some more. Eventually you will think your way into being crazy. To a sociopath that is Mission Accomplished.

Sociopaths do not let relationships end with closure. Closure is antithetical to their game – to keep the puppets on their strings. Long after the relationship ends they will reach out and give a string a tug – just because. It is interesting to them to see if they can still elicit a response. ANY response is a good one. It is just fascinating to watch. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. I’m just trying to remind you of the danger of any response at all. Stay strong and stay removed. Do nothing. Do not let your worlds overlap ever again.

Judi's avatar

Mark his email address as spam and don’t respond.

saint's avatar

Because he is crazy and sociopath. That’s all I would need to know.

Zaku's avatar

Because he is a crazy abusive sociopath. It’s what they do.
And you have some victimy thinking, which he detects.
If you have any very balanced girlfriends, you could ask one or more of them to coach you in new relationships and/or screen your messages from your ex (as in, have your messages automatically forward to one of them so you don’t see them, and they let you know if there’s anything you might want to know about).

figbash's avatar

Because sociopaths have absolutely no understanding of the consequences of their actions, so they just keep going… Also, the sad thing is, sociopaths cannot be rehabilitated, reformed or changed. Period. They literally just plow through life, with no sense of what they’re doing to people and quite frankly, they don’t care. Eventually they learn how to say the ‘right’ things by normal standards, and they may think they mean them – but they’re hollow statements.

This should describe your ex to a tee:"

Don’t respond – even though it may feel temporarily comforting to talk to him, it’s all just vapor.

6rant6's avatar

I don’t think you need to change your email – that’s giving him too much power.

Just put a rule in your inbox that deletes anything from him. That way you never have to see it.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Mark the email as spam, block the email if you can and just don’t respond anymore.

Eureka's avatar

He does it because he can. You need to change your e-mail address, change your phone number. The fact that you are still accessable to him is telling him that there is a chance you will take him back.

chyna's avatar

Delete and block him. What is disturbing to me is him saying you are a strong survivor. That tells me he knows how badly he treated you and how bad he hurt you.
Don’t go back to him. If you do, he knows he has you and can do anything he wants.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

^^ That’s gold, especially these lines: ”What is disturbing to me is him saying you are a strong survivor. That tells me he knows how badly he treated you and how bad he hurt you.” How right you are, @chyna.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@chyna Nice pick up. I missed that at first. This guy is fucking scary partyrock. Stay as far away as possible.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@partyrock I was talking with another jelly that’s been through some of the crap you’ve been put through by this guy. I mentioned something to them and they thought it might help you. My girl always told me I could hit her. Once. That would be it. I liked it. She has self respect. I loved her more for that.

whitetigress's avatar

Get a restraining order. *Harassment is underlined and defines acceptability in filing a restraining order in the court of California. It is most likely the same for your state.

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