General Question

xacrox's avatar

I have a crush on a lesbian, what should I do?

Asked by xacrox (243points) May 19th, 2008 from iPhone

I have a crush on someone who isn’t attracted to my gender (she openly claims) however she seems to dig me. Her sister defianately likes me, however I don’t feel the same towards her. Is it possible that the girl I like is only being overly friendly to me because her sister likes me or is it possible she might have feelings?

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32 Answers

robmandu's avatar

Watch this Kevin Smith movie.

Holden and Banky are comic book artists. Everything’s going good for them until they meet Alyssa, also a comic book artist. Holden falls for her, but his hopes are crushed when he finds out she’s a lesbian.

Babo's avatar

You might be right, she might just be being friendly because she knows her sister likes you.

BirdlegLeft's avatar

It is possible for her to like men, even if she doesn’t want to have sex with them. Maybe just enjoy the company of someone who really digs you and not worry about the rest.

phoenyx's avatar

/me starts listening to Pink Triangle by Weezer

monsoon's avatar

Mm, be careful dude. I’m a lesbian, and I’ve a fair few relationships ruined by guys liking me and plowing forward, knowing full well my sexuality. It’s not even the normal kind of after-being-rejected-awkward, it’s somehow worse. If you’re friends with this girl and don’t want to jeopardize that, you should be careful. I’m not saying it’s impossible she likes you, just something to keep in mind.

xacrox's avatar

@monsoon: the thing is I’m a very open person, I am not trying to jeopradize our relationship by any means. I would never plow forward. I would never try to force someone to change there sexuality. I guess you would have to personally know me to understand better. But I totally understand where you are coming from. Thanks for the answer.

marinelife's avatar

To continue with the shipwreck analogy, this way lies danger. Actually, probably only pain. If this woman self identifies as a lesbian, she is not into guys at all. There might be hope if she said she was bi, but she doesn’t.

The question is whether just being friends with her will work for you, or will it be too painful, because even if you intellectually accept that she is gay, it may be hard for you to stop yearning for what cannot be.

nocountry2's avatar

Is it possible that this may be a case of wanting what you can’t have?

rawpixels's avatar

You could always get a sex change and hope for the best

Magnus's avatar

Look at it from her point of view. How would you feel if some guy had a crush on you, I’m sorry, but that’s pretty much how it is. Now I don’t know anything about your situation, but that’s how it is if you put it in perspective. Good luck to you though!

DeezerQueue's avatar

We often dig people to whom we aren’t necessarily sexually attracted. You have to take her at her word and learn to deal with your feelings. Friendships, and deep friendships can also sometimes be more rewarding than relationships. Get past the crush and relish in a good friendship, life sometimes can’t get any better than that.

pattyb's avatar

Snap out of it !

pattyb's avatar

Well, at least you know you both have one interest in common.

loser's avatar

we always want what we can’t have

DeezerQueue's avatar

Geez, that response was poorly worded and contained mistakes. Replace “relish” with “revel.” Among other mistakes.

scamp's avatar

Enjoy her friendship, but seek a love interest elsewhere.

kevbo's avatar

Maybe get her to close the door for you. (Delicately) ask her if she’d ever consider being with a guy, or maybe ask her opinion of how she (or a hypothetical
lesbian) would feel/react to the news of a guy being interested.

Ladies, please chime in, but IMHO when talking to women you can get away with “saying it without saying it” and still avoid committing a foul. Maybe another way of saying this is to bring up the subject without taking a position (and getting her to give up her position). Possibly ask whether she ever thinks about being with a guy or express how you sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with a lesbian (and do you have a friend like that?) In her mind, this won’t imply that she’s excluded as an option, and if she’s interested, she’ll take the bait.

She’s probably not though, and is being nice and maybe a little juicy for the sake and thrill of her sister’s chances. So get her to give you a reason to close the door.

xacrox's avatar

@magnus: honestly I’d be flattered, and if they are interesting enough you never know. However ive never been attracted to the same sex. So probably unlikely.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

you might just be attracted to someone that is unattainable. Go for the sister and be friends with the lesbian sister. Friendships are always better.

punkrockworld's avatar

I think you should ask her.. tell her that you would like to have a girlfriend just like her,but then straight and wait for her reaction. Maybe she’s confused about her sexuality so whatever you do, be very respectful. It must not be easy for her..Find out if she’s 100% gay.. I wish you good luck !!

monsoon's avatar

@xacrox, I’m aware that you feel that way, and I don’t know your friend, but I can tell you that it may seem like she’s okay with knowing you’re attracted to her, and says she’s not interested and wants to just be friends, but there’s a good chance (from my experience), that for her, she’ll never be able to act or feel the same way around you again, and she may feel like you don’t respect her self-identification as a lesbian, because you would entertain the thought that you had a chance with her.

Like I say, it’s only something to think about, because this is how I have felt in the past. A guy friend may mean so well (“I just wish I could be a lesbian,” was the nicest), but the fact is that they some how don’t appreciate that my sexuality is as concrete to me as theirs is to them (like @mangus said—not that you would necessarily be disgusted by a man being attracted to you, but there’s not a good chance that you would date him just because he’s such a good friend, if I’m not incorrect).

Ultimately, you have to know you’re friend, and just keep these things in mind.

Oh, and by “plow forward,” i didnt mean, like, physically :), i meant that they somehow think that knowing that a good male friend is attracted to me is some how anough to make me date a guy.

skfinkel's avatar

fyi: I know of more than one lesbian who has ended up with a man. So, it is possible that the whole story is not over yet. But, your expectations should be pretty low.

MissAnthrope's avatar

I’m totally with monsoon on this one. I’m a lesbian and romantically, guys just aren’t for me. I’ve had good friendships with guys where I kind of wished I was bi because if the guy were female, he’d be the perfect match. But, alas, I’m pretty gay and I just can’t fathom being in a relationship with a guy. The emotional inner-gushiness stuff just isn’t there for me.

That said, I would feel pretty offended if a good friend ignored the fact I’m not interested in men and made it repeatedly clear he’d like to date me. It’s okay if I know you have a crush on me, that is very flattering and I would do anything I could to spare your feelings. Bringing it up, alluding to it, etc. multiple times would really make me uncomfortable, pressured, and disrespected and I probably would find myself putting that person at a distance.

If she’s a lesbian, your chances are rather slim. Not saying impossible, but I think if someone tells you their orientation, you should take it as concrete. This is exactly why I learned early on not to waste my time crushing on straight girls—it’s simply too much energy and pain to waste on someone who I’d never have a chance with. :)

I think it’s okay to admit you have a crush on her, as long as you do it with some grace and without any pressure. Gauge her reaction, be honest—DON’T get your hopes up, and refrain from bringing it up again if you want to stay friends with her. :)

stephen's avatar

wow! sounds like a soap opera. i m really interested in more detail about ur story with that 2 girls.

Johnny_m's avatar

so I have basically the same problem as you @xacrox except without the sister, and the lesbian is one of my best friends of two years or so….
Major difference was it was easy to not want her when she was a lesbian. she recently came out to me and another very close friend.

now she’s “undefined/bisexual…with just enough lesbian to not let any guy to have a chance with her.” (or something along those lines)

I think she might be just as confused as i am, but I have no idea how to procede, and no, I don’t think she knows…

oh and @everyone else else, I’m diggin your advise

Johanvv's avatar

In my opinion from experience, tell her how you feel and that’s it.. take what she says and stick to that. If she has no sexual interest in you then that’s it, set a barrier for yourself to never ever ever think of her as a sexual partner or sexually attractive again, however stay friends if it’s not going to hurt (kill you emotionally).

It hurts, it really hurts. You can either stop the friendship and continue with your life, forgetting all the nice things which happened OR stay friends with her like I did in my case – we are now even closer friends (and like to discuss girls at clubs, magazines, etc which is fun to do since we kind of like the same type of girls! Haha).I don’t even need to remind myself anymore about the barrier (no sexual attractive thoughts), I just know it’s never going to happen and don’t need to think of it at all. I can finally treat her as one of my best friends without feeling hurt when not being able to see her for a day or two or even weeks at a time.

If you stay too much focused on this one girl you are not going to notice all the other girls around! – You might just miss out on the perfect one…

timjayko's avatar

Yah I feel your pain I am a bisexual man who has 2 lesbian friends (who are a couple) and I think I am falling for one of them immensely.. its tough to handle these feelings cuz they make it clear daily that they are lesbian and don’t seem to be interested in guys sexually.. but one day this girl told me if she was straight she would date me.. it was so flattering, yet so demoralizing because shes not straight (or so it seems based upon what she says). I believe it.. shes been with multiple girl partners, and this last one they’ve been together for 4 years.. and they are such a great couple I could never see them apart.. they are ONE together.. I really appreciate all this advice in here its helping me get through this tough situation lol

monsoon's avatar

@timjayko, I’m a lesbian, and I totally know who I would be into if I was straight, but I’m not actually into them. I don’t have to be sexually attracted to some one to be able to tell that they’re attractive (ie. Ewan McGregor = sexy man).

Maybe that can at least give you a little closure? Stay tough : )

timjayko's avatar

hey thanks for the reply. Yah, thats what I was figuring all along. There was just that one thread of hope in the back of my head that it was more than friends. That she felt something similar to what I felt. Only in my dreams lol. I didn’t choose to develop these romantic feelings for her you know, if I could take them back and just go back to normal friends I would any day.

timjayko's avatar

yah I fucked things up and I don’t think that they will even speak to me ever again. Whatever you do.. keep the feelings to yourself.. I should have.. a completely good friendship was lost..

Lorenita's avatar

If she doesn’t like boys then you are just going to get very broken hearted, find a girl that loves you back =)

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

It sounds as if the girl you are interested in has made it clear that is is not romantic, although she enjoys your company. And if you are not interested in her sister, it is best for her part to let her know.

Yes, it is possible that your interest is only showing attention for her sister, but it is a long-shot. And if she has told you that she prefers women, then no…there are no romantic feelings. She only appreciates you for who you are.

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