General Question

philo23's avatar

How do you go about asking someone out for the first time?

Asked by philo23 (193points) October 18th, 2008

I’ve known this person for a long time and I’ve recently noticed that she’s taken quite an interest in me. I’m quite good friends with one of her best friends and I thought maybe I could ask that person for tips on what I should say or do, I could also maybe get her friend to mention stuff seemingly randomly about me to her.

Would you recommend this method or should I go for a more direct approach?

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36 Answers

aanuszek1's avatar

I wouldn’t have a friend tell her. That just says shy/shallow.
Talk to her yourself. Best of luck.

marinelife's avatar

More direct. Why all the end around? You know her well, you are getting signs she is interested. Ask.

You say, “Hey, we both like x band. They are playing next week. Want to to go?” or “I know you like Y actor. He is in such-and-such a movie. Want to go with me? We could grab sinner first. (or we could have coffee, tea, a soda—whatever you guys like—afterward.”

You get the idea. Do something you both like. Actually doing something takes a bit of pressure off rather than just a talk date. But if you pick a movie, you need to do something before or after so you have some time to talk and get to know one another as dates.

Have fun. Good luck.

philo23's avatar

Well the reason why i would could over as that is more than likely because i am.

I believe i’ve also got social anxiety (pretty much fear of convosations with other people to sum it up in a few words), so this is why i’ve come here to ask the collective intelligence of the fluther. I probably should of noted that down in the first message, sorry.

jvgr's avatar

I was going to suggest smoke signals, sign language, etc, but Marina got here first.
She’s got some good suggestions.

And your 2nd post popped up.
You may have SAD, or you must might be shy.
Best way is to follow Marina’s suggestions. They are a casual approach and should be easily achieved by you since the friendship already exists.

gailcalled's avatar

@Marina: great advice, as usual, except for perhaps waiting for the second date to grab sinner.

@Philo; Direct is always better than having a third party triangulate. No matter how you prepare for your half of the conversation, you don’t have her part written down. Try not to worry; and Marina’s idea of doing something that doesn’t require a lot of talking is a very good one.

philo23's avatar

@jvgr its more than likely SAD rather than shy-ness as its things like thinking about buying stuff from shops, or wondering what to say to the bus driver as you get off/on and ending up worrying or just not doing them. So yeah, i dout its Shy-ness. But still, thanks for the good advice, you too @Marina

philo23's avatar

yeah, i’ll probably end up doing something similar to going to see a movie or something as i know she’s rather into movies and films and what not, and i am to a degree, just not as much as her :P Thanks @gailcalled

marinelife's avatar

@philo23 Because of the anxiety disorder issue, practice what you will say first. Also, think about what is the worst thing that could happen. She says no, right? If you acknowledge that or whatever the worst thing that could happen is in your own mind if it is different, it will cut down the anxiety.

After all, if you ask her you won’t die.(Please say that out loud to yourself.) If she says no, at least you will know for sure and can stop worrying about it.

Also, remember this and believe it: She is just as nervous and anxious about guy-girl relationships and dating as you are even if she doesn’t show it.

Remember to breathe!

philo23's avatar

thanks for the advice and i’ll try to remember to breathe :P

gailcalled's avatar

@Philo: Trying to remember is not good enough. (If it’s any consolation, and it is probably not, I can still remember my first date. I was 14 and a sweaty mess. But it made dating after that a lot easier, even tho I never saw that guy again – to my relief.)

In what situations do you feel socially comfortable? With your family, with friends, with strangers on a train?

marinelife's avatar

@philo23 Let us know how it goes if you ask her.

jvgr's avatar

Yes breathing is good.

philo23's avatar

@gailcalled anything where theres more than one person who can obviously see you. I’m cool with one-on-one kinda things, and when i know all the people well, or if i cant see the other people (and more importantly, they cant see me) but when its in say a public place, or a class room, or just about any where where there is more than one person who could be monitoring what I’m doing then its generally a moment where i just try to get out of there asap.

Its quite a genuinely horrible feeling, i wouldn’t even wish it upon even my greatest enemy.

@marina I’ll definitely give you a reply when it happens.

gailcalled's avatar

@philo: How old are you? We, or most of us, were horribly self-conscious during parts of our teens; even the guys who blustered and showed off were simply showing off signs of insecurity.

philo23's avatar

@gailcalled, i’m 17 on the 28th. But i’ve known about this SAD for about… 2 years. but if i remember back before then i did have the signs, but i did not know about SAD back then.

gailcalled's avatar

SAD is treatable; have you talked to a professional about that? No need to suffer unnecessarily.

philo23's avatar

nah, i’ve never really thought about doing that, but i probably wouldn’t have the guts to do it ether, because of it.

jessturtle23's avatar

My ex-boyfriend that I dated off and on for a decade had SAD. I think the first time he asked me out was one of those notes where you circle yes, no, or maybe. We were 12 so I don’t suggest that. Just be confident and smile and look her in the eyes when you ask her. We like that.

cdwccrn's avatar

Carefully. Directly. Discreetly.

philo23's avatar

Thanks for all the help guys and gals. I probably will end up going to some kind of doctor about it eventually. However when ever i’m around this girl it doesn’t seem to matter ether way, as i just seem to forget about everyone else and what they might be thinking.

punkrockworld's avatar

The idea you have is good. Her friend can help you a lot.
Or you guys (you, her friend and her) should just hang out together so you guys spend more and more time together. Everything else will happen automatically.

cdwccrn's avatar

SAD=seasonal affective disorder?

marinelife's avatar

@cdwccrn Social Anxiety Disorder (different SAD).

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Would it be easier if you asked her to help you do something, like pick out a wedding gift, hang pictures, buy a birthday present for your mom, etc. and then casually suggest getting a bite to eat, coffee, etc.?

Or, assuming she’s not also a web developer, perhaps you could suggest you come over and give her computer a tune-up, offer to install software for her, etc.

Perhaps if you’re out with a bunch of common friends, you could offer to walk/take her home, walk her to the bus, etc. You might want to let it be known though your mutual friend that you have SAD, and would not be adverse to having her make the first move.

philo23's avatar

@punkrockworld yeah, thanks, I’m going to plan some stuff out.
@AlfredaPrufrock she and most of my friends know if have SAD, and i don’t know many 16/17 year olds who go out picking wedding gifts with their 16/17 year old friends ;) at least not in the UK ;) But thanks for the suggestions.

On another note, i’ll be sure to thank any of you guys (and girls) who helped me on here if and when it does happen, and i’ll be sure to tell you all the results.

asmonet's avatar

Ask her to a concert or movie, and be as honest and simple with your emotions that you can be.

Some girls are fucking stupid at picking up the signs.

I speak from experience.

philo23's avatar

heh, that was a little harsh @asmonet, but i’ll let you off :P and yeah, i plan to be honest indeed. Thanks for the reply :)

asmonet's avatar

@philo: I’m the dumb girl in that scenario. :-p

philo23's avatar

@asmonet, i’ll definately let you off then :P but dont be so harsh on your self :)

90s_kid's avatar

When I first asked a girl out I was sooo nervous. Not the way to be! I regret it. She said no (probably because of that).

adreamofautumn's avatar

MIXTAPES. I always make mixtapes (or cd’s since…they make more sense). I put real effort into them. My ex’s had 1 letter/word in each track on the tracklist bolded so it said “Will you go to the movies with me” and on the inside I just wrote “how’s Friday?”.
Always mixtapes.

kevinhardy's avatar

its harder when you are unemployed, but is say try your best, be you, let her have what she wants

jackfright's avatar

i’d recommend just asking directly, just dont be creepy.
ask her casually. if she says “no”, drop her and forget about her until she comes back to you.

heyitsdestiny's avatar

well ima gurl and we like to be asked out by the person straight up just having a fgriend ask just shows u are shallow and shy! and u would have a better chance asking her yourself ! well bud best of luck to ya !

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