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emeraldisles's avatar

How do I get rid of this rage I feel for my family?

Asked by emeraldisles (1949points) March 15th, 2012

As I have previously stated, there have been a lot of problems in my family. Both my mother and uncle are bipolar. I can’t trust my mother. I’m not sure I will ever feel that I will ever trust her judgment 100% again. My dad is a self absorbed, transgendered guy. My grandmother is an elderly woman who will never take any responsibility and prefers to inflict her guilt complex on me because she thinks she can control me. I am on the verge of graduating high school and have never felt truly happy. Even at times when I should have felt happy, I felt depressed or withdrawn. I can not stand my mother and grandmother. Please don’t take me as an ungreatful brat, but I feel the characteristics I have did not come from them. I have a strong work ethic, have been told I’m sweet and intellient and classy but its taken work. Sometimes I feel like such a fraud, especially when I lose it at home. I acknowledge my grandmother will never change and that if my mom relapses yet again, that it is not my fault. I was the one who looked for a therapist and who has been seeing one regularly. I also went to one before. How can I stop losing my temper when one of my family members comes around and tries to buy my affections back or who won’t leave me to do the things I have to do in peace?

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13 Answers

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marinelife's avatar

You sound like an island of sanity in an insane world.

Are you open with your therapist? Have you talked about feeling rage-filled? You should.

You might benefit from movement therapy, which puts you in touch with your body where the feelings are stuck. You can literally move through them.

trailsillustrated's avatar

It’s called forgiving. It’s hard but it will release you. And move out.

Rarebear's avatar

I recommend getting professional therapy.

emeraldisles's avatar

Yeah I am open with my therapist. I don’t think I can forgive them. I’m young and have given up so much of my childhood. I didn’t even have a childhood, or get to find my nitch. I was alwys humiliated because of my uncle and the way things were. I know that’s past, thank goodness but the trauma has affected me so much. I became so introverted as a result of the way my grabdmother handled things and the secrets I had to keep. I never had friends, was always afraid of voicing my opinions. I have a lot of trust issues. I have yet to find a good friend though I still give sometimes too much.

john65pennington's avatar

Well, it sounds as though you and I have a similar problem. I witheld anger inside me for so many years for the sorrow that some people inflict on other people. I wanted to take justice in my hands and deliver it out on the street, instead of the courtroom.

I have seen your situation many times. I am proud that you have pulled the strings of self-motivation for yourself. To me, its like people who have lived in the projects and want and need a better life for themselves.

A pat on the back for you. You cannot be blamed for the enviornment you grew up in. You also cannot be blamed for the DNA that is in your body.

You are about to graduate high school and that can be a blessing for you. Striking out on your own, right now, may be the only relief you will ever have. Do not do this, UNTIL you have a place to go that is safe and hopefully within other family members.

Life is too short to be stuck in a hell hole and dragging you down.

I say this to you in the most sincere way. I know what you are experiencing, as my wife went through the same ordeal as you are facing. jp

emeraldisles's avatar

Well I have to get my license. Get a job. One step at a time, but it needs to be done.

Pandora's avatar

This is what I do. Usually if I feel like that I ask myself these questions. Although I must admit, I will ask after the initial reaction of anger.
What will anger get me? Nothing.
Are the people who have done me wrong angry? Probably not and if they are, then why should it I care. Obviously they do not care if I am angry?
Are they sleeping well at night? Probably
Is it smarter to plan for my future and leave them to theirs? Yes
Should I just then, move on? Why not. I will sleep better.
Does dwelling on the past better my future? Nope
I learned that people only have power over my life that I give to them.
Is this easy to learn. No. At least in my case it took me years to realize that I alone hold power over my life. No one else. Only I control my destiny, and I will not let the past dictate my future. It is gone and can’t be undone, so its a place I try not to dwell. At least not the unhappy parts.
I find that reminding myself every so often that I can only control my life and not what others do, helps me prepare for most disappointments.
And the things I have absolutely no control over, I just smile and think this too will pass, and be in the past at some point, so long as I don’t dwell on it and make it always a part of my present.
At some point you will be grown and out of your home and have complete control over your life.
Concentrate on your future.

Aqua's avatar

Continue to work with your counselor. I would also suggest prayer and meditation (or at least meditation if you don’t believe in prayer). Forgiveness is possible. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but this story of forgiveness has helped me find the strength to be more forgiving. Greater peace will come as you find the strength to forgive.

Also, there’s nothing wrong with being introverted. Each personality type has its pros and cons. You just need to learn to recognize the strengths that are inherent in your own type. There are advantages to being introverted.

Sunny2's avatar

I don’t think the first thing to worry about is forgiving them. That may come in time. Take care of yourself and get what ever help you need. It may be a teacher or counselor at school who can steer you to help. I think the vest way to get rid of anger is to do something physical as hard as you can, for as long as you can. Running or walking hard. Swimming. If you’re into art, try pottery and wedge the clay with all your strength. Box. Dance. Jump rope. Throw darts. (Be careful where you throw them) Using whatever physical activity you can do repeatedly, as hard as you can, will be helpful in letting the anger out.

jazmina88's avatar

meditation. zen. Love. forgiving. moving on.,

noraasnave's avatar

What a great amount of drama thrust on someone so young! I see a lot of good things which you have setup which will work for you:

1. Asking questions (acknowledges that you aren’t alone, and that you don’t have all the answers)
2. Seeking Therapy (acknowledges that someone has the answers or at least someone can help)
3. Listening and responding intelligently (indicates maturity beyond your years, and a warm gooey center)
4. Identifying your feelings (shows that you are in touch with yourself, and that you are close to understanding the dynamics and close to a breakthrough for yourself)

Do not get hung up on forgiving. Forgiving is really just understanding what someone did and why they did it to you more fully, which usually only comes with time. Forgiving is being able to put yourself in their shoes months or years later and realizing that if things would have happened a little differently you could be stuck in their predicament.

To me it seems as if you have allowed this extremely tough situation to make you a better person…and it has worked.

NOW for your question! Rage is hard to figure out because it is like a bucket…all the emotions it is not safe to express are dumped into it and when it gets full it spills out hurting others kind of like a bucket of plutonium. So how do you keep the bucket at a lower level so it doesn’t spill:

1. Express yourself; empty the bucket regularly (stop holding the emotions you feel in) I have found journaling, letter writing (and subsequent destruction), talking to a counselor, beating a punching bag, throwing weights around at the gym are all healthy, safe, and sometimes fun ways of expressing emotions.

2. Stop allowing people to treat you however they want, or how their issues dictate to them. Obviously you can’t change them…you probably have tried many times. So you have to minimize your interaction with them in some way.

3. Make plans for the future that do not include negative relationships. In other words go to college far,far away and change your phone number. Keep their phone numbers just in case you feel really good and want to be mellowed out a bit, or just to remind yourself of why you made the decisions you did.

I hope this helps!

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