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nighttripper's avatar

Aren't ALL relationship questions on here "self centered"?

Asked by nighttripper (162points) May 30th, 2008

My question just got deleted because it was “self centered” isn’t every question about a relationship self centered? or any pregnancy question or question about anything to do with your own life?

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22 Answers

nighttripper's avatar

and can people please answer my question it was this

Why should break up with my bf?

OK, I’m not just venting I’m completly serious please do this.

Like every answer I get to all my questions that could possibly relate back to him are basically “you should break up with him.” so why don’t you all just put your speeches on why I should here and stop using them as answers to all my other questions.

This way I’ll have a nice little list of why Flutherins think I should break up with the person in my life who brings me the most joy of anyone instead of having bits and pieces from everyone everywhere.

Who knows maybe this will make me see something I don’t see now because the annoyance of non-answers to my question(s) is not a factor.

wizard's avatar

If you don’t like what everyone else in the world thinks….._____________ Someone fill in the blank.

marinelife's avatar

In case you were able to read my post before the deletion, I would like to say that I had not read the update on the thread about the gift. So, there are good things about this guy. Until those last few posts in which you defended him, I for one had not heard the good only the bad.

Also, as you saw from others who have been on Fluther longer and have more of a history with you, you have acknowledged this guy has serious issues: emotional or mental health problems and a brush with the law for another.

People only suggest breaking up out of concern for you and based on the information that you are supplying.

nighttripper's avatar

If I didnt care would I have just asked what you thought? I just get rather annoyed when people answer almost all my questions with you should break up with your boyfriend when A. thats not what I asked and B. I’ve already said I don’t want to, mostly A though because if you can give me an actual reason besides you dont think that you would like him I’ll concider it

wizard's avatar

He seems like nice guy.

shilolo's avatar

@night. The problem some people have with you (myself included) is that despite our best efforts to explain things to you and present ideas clearly, you consistently resist those ideas until eventually, like Wizard just did, people just give you the “answer” you seem to want. You appear to want answers, but then stubbornly hold on to your preconceived ideas.

In addition, sometimes peoples’ answers veer off of your question because they have seen past questions, and frankly, are displaying a very real concern for you.

As far as I can recall, you’ve asked questions regarding:
1. His emotional instability and possible personality disorder
2. His history of trouble with the law
3. His inability to get an STD test to convince you he is safe
4. His “resistance” to getting you a small token of affection

Did I miss something?

nighttripper's avatar

I dont see why everyone is so mean to people with personality disorders. and there is a really long story to that law breaking thing he’s not a psycho. wrong place, wrong time, wrong “friends.” He did just set up an appointment to go get tested, and he does show me a lot of affection just nothing I can carry around with me and hold really, theyre more just intangable tokens I guess. Does that all make sense? I’m not delusioning myself am I?

shilolo's avatar

Well, for people (like myself, Marina, Gailcalled, Nikipedia, and others) who have followed all of these threads, it seems like every few days you are posting another question either directly or indirectly questioning the value of the relationship. Its kind of like an accumulation of strikes. More than 3 strikes and “he’s” out.

And, FYI, you just managed to “do it” again. I aligned all of your past complaints about him, and suddenly, you are his biggest defender.

So, here we go again: Nightripper, you should marry this guy. Good luck!

nighttripper's avatar

yes but people bring back issues that have been resolved as reasons to break up with him now. like the STD thing you just said and I am learning to cope with his weirdness I never said I wanted to break up with him for it. I never said i had any issues with the law thing either and resistance to giving me a token of affection is kind of exaggerated.

it doesn’t really make sense to me when people say i should break up with him for resolved issues or exaggerations they make up or things they assume

LunaFemme's avatar

I think you may be missing the point nighttripper…it sounds like people are making the suggestions they are because of the type & frequency of the questions you have asked. So, it is the overall context to which people are responding.

It sounds like you are committed to trying to make a relationship work that is bound to be extremely difficult & probably had a higher potential of failure based upon some of his issues. Most reasonable people will want to protect you from the heartache experience you are potentially in for & will want to spare you.

I think you should spend some time evaluating why you are attracted to someone with a whole host of problems. I’m not suggesting you break up with him or not, just try to understand what your underlying motivations are.

I wish you well, I hope you find all the live and happiness you are seeking.

shilolo's avatar

@Night. Its like this. You seem to seek extremely literal and one-dimensional answers on here. But, since this site is populated by a lot of highly intelligent people, they tend not to think that way. For example, if you ask the question “Why is my house burning down,” a literal answer might be, “Maybe because you let something catch fire on the stove, and now the fire has spread.” A more tangential answer would be, “Get the hell out of the burning house!”

You say,How do I cope with a boyfriend with borderline personality disorder? and people say, “It is very difficult, you should probably protect yourself considering the transgressions you listed…”

Do you understand now?

shilolo's avatar

Oh, and to carry my metaphor further, the back and forth would go something like this:

Us: “Get the hell out of the house!”

You: “But I love this house. Its been good to me and makes me happy.”

Us: “But you’re going to get hurt. Your house is burning!”

You: “Maybe. But you guys don’t understand me. All I wanted to know was, why is my house burning? All you keep saying is ‘GET OUT’! Can’t you guys just answer my question?”

Us: “Ok. The house is burning because wood tends to burn when exposed to fire. It will be ok. Good luck.”

sndfreQ's avatar

He is who he is…stop trying to convince us and yourself that you can save him from his own folly; if you want to continue on a self-destructive path, I don’t think it’s reasonable or sensible to expect validation from strangers-or better yet-intelligent, objective thinkers.

chaosrob's avatar

This might be a good moment to ask yourself why so many people think you’re making bad decisions about this person.

susanc's avatar

night tripper, I spent a long time writing you a pretty friendly answer to one of your
questions about 3 weeks ago – check it out. I didn’t say break up with him. It’s obvious that you’re not going to. I gave you some ways to make it work while staying with him. I think that’s what you originally asked us to do.

Do you mind if I ask you how old you are? It’s not really any of my business, but
it might help me to think about how to talk to you.

DeezerQueue's avatar

“Like every answer I get to all my questions that could possibly relate back to him are basically “you should break up with him.”

That’s inaccurate and if you go back to read the responses to these threads, I just did, at least to those that are still available, you’ll also see that it’s not true. You’ll find that there have in fact been responses that directly respond to the questions that you’re posing.

I would suggest to you that your personal, psychological filter to the responses to which you’re now referring is askew, because the quote that I just pasted, which is from you, is false. While there may also be responses along those lines, that input can explained by the fact that jellies are humans and that this site is based upon people drawing from their own expertise, insight and experience, simply put.

nighttripper's avatar

Yes Shilolo thats exactly what everyone on here does and it’s very annoying. I have to do a ton of convincing just to get an answer to the question I ask because everyone seems to like to answer questions that they make up themselves and put in my mouth instead of what I’ve actuallly asked. Have you any idea how annoying that is?

nighttripper's avatar

NON ANSWERS TO “How do I get my bf to buy me something pretty?”

Would that be even if he doesn’t get tested for STD? Why do you think this is a good relationship nighttripper?

didn’t you tell us three weeks ago that the bf has a borderline personality disorder?

How serious is this relationship? You’ve been going with this guy 6 months but you don’t exchange gifts & you thought he might have given you an STD. I do not mean to be mean but it sounds to me that the gift that you really need is a hefty dose of self esteem. Kick this guy to the curb!

You’re asking for an increasing level of intimacy from someone who you only see a couple of times a week and who is very slow to take your feelings into account. Does that strike you as healthy? Further, he’s already gotten a token from you and clearly didn’t have the impulse to reciprocate. He’s either kind of selfish or he’s just not that into you. Again, what is it in you that makes you seek a deeper engagement with someone so obviously unlikely to give it to you?

It seems impossible to chill with this dude, can you see yourself with him 10 years later?

NON ANSWERS TO “Help me convince my bf to get tested please”

Maybe this is a sign that this relationship won’t work?

Seriously, I can’t believe more people aren’t saying it, but take a look at how serious you want to be with him if he’s like this.

the answer is DUMP HIM.

If this person doesn’t care about easing your worry or making you (and himself) safe, then you need to seriously reconsider spending time with him

get rid of him and find a good one…... you probably know this in your gut already…........

NON ANSWERS TO How to cope with a boyfriend with borderline personality disorder?

Ummm. I’m not sure how you know he has borderline personality disorder (is this something he told you?), but what you describe certainly fits some of the characteristics. This disorder is one of the toughest to deal with, both as a friend/girlfriend and medically. Don’t think you can change him, because thats impossible. I’ve never been in that situation (I mean as a boyfriend of someone with this problem), but I doubt I would be able to put up with it for too long.

yeah, if he really had borderline personality disorder the only advice I could give is to get out of the relationship

If he does not trust you enough to tell you the mental condition under which he is being treated and you trust him enough to be sexually intimate then you are being used. I would RUN- not walk away.

because you would rather wear blinders than see the truth. Please seek profession al help! Good luck!

nighttripper's avatar

those answers are not helpful they are annoying

DeezerQueue's avatar

“Why should break up with my bf?”

First of all, your question isn’t phrased properly, it appears to be missing a word, or even two.

I’ll ask again, why is your personal filter only taking you to what you consider to be non-answers? What about the answers that have addressed your questions, where are those? They’re there, I’ve read them. Why are you choosing to focus on responses that are non-helpful and not on answers that are helpful?

nighttripper's avatar

Ok I’m sincerely sorry to you that I made a typo because I am human and therfore not perfect. I’m sure you’re perfect and have never in your life made a typo or misspelled a word.

I do look at the actual answers that people give me. A few are helpful yes, but these non answers are much more annoying than most answers are helpful

gailcalled's avatar

@night; I suggest, that since the collective is making you very unhappy, no matter what you ask, you find a more compatible site. You are getting a lot of expert (MD’s, PhDs, Therapists, Professors, smart and experienced adults who have raised kids) and naysaying them all.

Sayonara and good luck.

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